Other Vent, may delete

xpstitch

Loser
Today was a good day? But I tried going to sleep without the phone playing something this time. Couldn't sleep. No solution to the money issue.

Hate this phone that takes 12+ hours to charge to less than 100% when turned off. Will charge to 85% while audiobook plays, then to 25% when I wake up for no reason while the book isn't even playing.

No exact proof of that. Don't need it. Make it make sense. Thought about my sister who usually responds after a couple of pokes.

Haven't heard from her since October. Could she be mad at me? She should tell me if she is, I'd give her space. She had deleted her Facebook months before.

Can't find email. Reduced to contacting mutual family that haven't made any effort to keep in touch 8+ years now.

Despite how furious she makes me as of late she is among my only friends. I'm hurt and alone. Could it be mother? Did she chose her over me?

Or is it another of her boyfriend of the season that did away with her or something? I wish she wouldn't let anyone come between us.

She should know I would have died for her. She's got the biggest heart and I am always missing her. She promised no matter how mom abandoned me, I would always be her brother.

How much does she mean that? Our contact is not near what it should be. Other stuff gives me pause.

Despite everything I've done, I often wonder how many other people she puts the label of brother and stuff onto. Why visit anyone else in this county over me.

Why choose those seasonal boyfriends over the brother that would always support her? Did her big mouth have anything to do with why X former friend ghosted me?

I wish I was in a better position to ask her about all the questions I was wishing to keep the peace about instead of asking. I wish I had had the guts to keep in contact with Nana and little sis and the others, damn mom's feelings about it.

I wish mom had made effort to keep me in her life though, I was the constantly abandoned foster youth. I shouldn't have had to be the one to insist on being a part of the family.

I wish sister hadn't told white lies, that she'd gone to bat with mom to keep me in the family. Should have demanded to know why mom never asked about me for 8+ years.

Mom being a horrible person was hard pill to swallow after finally stopping the timidness. If my sister finally thinks it okay to abandon me because I'm bringing up things long needing asking about, I don't know what I'll do.

She owes me money, is that an excuse she would use? I've decided to forgive it because she's struggling too. Is talking about mom's abandonment and sis' own complacency to it the condition she needed to use as an excuse to finally abandon me?

Why haven't I learned my lesson? Was I never meant to have a family? Should I abandon the other ties I've made, the ones I'm too ashamed to tell her about? Should I be ashamed? If in the end she does/did abandon me that would mean I was right to look elsewhere?

I hate this god damn phone. no cell service in 2000+rent area in a 1st world country that claims to be so high tech. Trees in the way and tower facing the wrong way my posterior.

16% battery now. Can't call a warmline to vent even if I had 100% battery. (Not currently suicidal) But what kind of country calls itself great when places like crisis call centers can't hear callers who may or may not feel suicidal?

How can they? How dare they? I call the effing phone companies to tell them I have horrible reception at my house. Effing tech support person tells me I'm really choppy.

Hate feelings this way and I hate this co<×÷!ry. The phone company tells me they can't hear me? Who's effing fault is THAT huh? Sounds a hell of a lot like YOU problem Ms. Tmobile.
 
Nausea. Tummy bubbling uncomfortably too. Lonesome. I have a huge set of problems that pretty much no one but me can fix.

I can't talk to anyone about it. Almost no one would be able to even understand. My issues are not normal issues.

Even people who are supposed to be good with psychology and stuff are ill equipped to talk about this. There is no church I would feel okay talking to about this either.

Even psych people can be really terrible at providing support for my issues. Even they often reinforce my feelings that humans are really horrible creatures.

If it's your literal job to listen and be AT LEAST polite to them, what makes you think it's okay to insult them if you're specifically advertising to cater to people going through some real crises?

I don't know if I'll ever be alright in the head like a normal person, my soul essence so to speak attracts lots of people who will only worsen my history of being abandoned by friends and close family members.

Hoping my health will keep like it has these last couple of days or so. If it does, I may even be able to schedule a therapy appointment?

I'm tired of being abandoned all the time. Will I ever be okay sincerely expecting love or will I forever insist on distance and independence?

Will I always keep people at a distance and view being around other people as transactional in nature?

It would hurt, but perhaps in a different way than when I start to get my hopes up.

By the time I was around 15, I had already gone through enough to make most people addicted to hard substances.

It's a little over a decade later and I always promised myself that I would solve my own problems and not turn to substances.

I have been an extraordinarily strong person to shy away from even prescription stuff. My strength is fading and faster than I'd like.

Will I get the necessary treatment in time? Will I be able to fix my problems in time? Or will I end up unable to look myself in the mirror because my luck came too late?

Could I stomach being another one of those twitching mumblers hurting people for money to buy whatever chemical I can absorb into my system?

Have I been through too much to recover if I do? I never wanted to be one of those losers who make that smelly stuff their entire personality.

My father's denial of his problem and similar stuff has always disgusted me. I never understood the cra^&heads, surely I'd never do like they do?...
 

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