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Untitled, Teaser

Grey

Dialectical Hermeticist
This is probably all I'll post of this before it's done, but I'm pretty pleased and would appreciate some reactions so I know if I should maintain this direction or change now while it's still early.


A hundred eyes blink in a pattern Dalton is reluctant to follow. Bathed in their dim pink glow, he feels foetal, warm. They fill a single wall of the otherwise bare, white-tiled room, and he prays they do not find him wanting. Eternities pass, alone with his own thoughts and a presence too alien to seem like company, until with a sharp click all eyes shut and a door opens, bathing him in soft artificial light.


“Congratulations, Dalton,” calls a familiar, cheerful voice. Operator Calbus. “You passed. Come on, the doctor wants to look you over and then I'll buy you a beer.”


Dalton rises from the molded chair and stretches, joints popping, leg tingling with pins and needles. “Cold stethoscope and colder hands? After that it'll be welcome.”


Calbus doesn't laugh, brushing back his blonde fringe. “Cha-surl doesn't do cold, Dalton. You're a viable spiritual host, but its up to him to give the yea or nay on your vitals.”


Dalton leaves the room, shrugging, for the comfortably lit and carpeted but ultimately bare corridor of the Induction Centre.


“How much of this shit do I actually need to understand?”


Now Calbus grins. “Unless you want my job someday, precious little. Field Operations have more immediate concerns.” He claps Dalton on the back and leads him towards Medical.


“So,” Dalton begins. “Cha-surl is...”


“Eudae. Yeah. No finer physicians in the world.”


Dalton felt an odd shiver of anticipation. He'd seen Eudae before – humanity's mysterious benefactors from worlds unknown – but at a distance. It was hard for them to physically enter the world, as he understood it, so they were rare to meet. No, much easier to... bond with a human host.


He squinted on entering the Medical Wing – the light was harsh here. White tiles, white coats, white beds, the smells of disinfectant and sickness. They passed a nurse pushing a wheelchair, the occupant so covered in sores their sex and age were impossible to determine, hands strapped to the arms of the chair. Dalton thought better of seeking explanation from Calbus.


He saw Cha-surl from the rear, at first, as he stepped into the consulting room. A tall, white-coated figure leaning over a bed. And, to his credit, neither screamed nor fled when Cha-surl turned to gree them. The Eudae did not, at least, seem offended by the expression on his face.


“Ah, this is the Dalton for hosting, yes? Good. We have been told of the Dalton.” It's voice set his teeth on edge – he was hearing common, certainly, but the creature wasn't speaking any language human organs could reproduce. It towered over him, at once comical and terrifying in its modified lab-coat – extra sleeves added for the other four arms. Bright, black eyes languidly sliding across, or perhaps under, the lurid magenta flesh. He suppressed a shudder.


“Yes, I am Dalton Lang. Greetings, Cha-surl Flesher,” he managed to reply, and the thing nodded. He realised Calbus had shown himself out.


“Good. We greet the Dalton with joy. Please become prostrate upon the bed.”


Nervously, he shrugged off his cadet jacket and lay down on the examination bed. Cha-surl loomed over him, plucking at the edges of his clothes with too-long fingers.


“The Dalton must shed. These impede us.”


“Right. Sorry.”


“Good. Examination is now. You will be without joy. We are not sorry.”


“Wait, wha-” Dalton begins, but then the hands descend on him, fingertips splitting into a myriad of strange instruments that probe his skin, eyes, ears, mouth... He feels pain and, to his disgust, pleasure at the various ministrations of the Flesher, and knows somehow that it has taken blood.


“It is done. The Dalton is with tumour. Small. We will remove it and then the Dalton will be healthy for hosting.”
 
I like it. It confuses me, but I think it's suppose to. Well written, though I think the descriptions of events and surroundings are minimal. I think you should take your literal illustrations one step further.


This was just my quicky opinion, only read it through once. Nice job, good read.
 
Liking it so far. Reading your teaser reminded me how a little change to grammar can suggest a big difference in culture or perspective. It was after I walked away that I thought oh hey, maybe that tumour is an organ Dalton would normally want to keep...
 
I rather like so far.


There is, to me anyway, just enough exposition to keep from getting confused, yet not so much that it interrupts the flow. Hmm....I am now noticing that to be recurring in most of your work...
 
Thanks, guys. I'll keep on and see how it looks. I was concerned it was a bit much, a bit soon.


Anyone else agree with Medel that the descriptions are too sparse? I tend towards the vague except where I feel how something looks is directly relevant and otherwise try to work off existing associations the reader might make with simpler images.
 
Grey said:
Thanks, guys. I'll keep on and see how it looks. I was concerned it was a bit much, a bit soon.
Anyone else agree with Medel that the descriptions are too sparse? I tend towards the vague except where I feel how something looks is directly relevant and otherwise try to work off existing associations the reader might make with simpler images.
It's established from the beginning that...well; aliens.


That tells people to immediately suspend their disbelief, and that strange, possibly very sci-fi things will be happening.


Perhaps when there is more of it, some tiny tweaks will be necessary, but at the moment I think it works. I'm always of the opinion that too much exposition breaks flow, and pushes pieces into the realm of Young Adult. Having said that, you probably don't want to get all Malzan on it; that stuff's hard to penetrate.


Dalton is obviously new to all these...weird goings on...so is it safe to assume he will essentially be a vehicle for the reader to learn about the world?
 
I will give it another read when I get home to review my critique. It might also just be the fact that the descriptions are rather vague but the story stops due to it just being a teaser and therefore the mental images/my view of things don't have time to grow.


I really did like it though. I would definitely keep reading would you chose to continue it.
 
Essentially, yes. Some things will be expressed by Dalton's familiarity with them, and others through his first encounters. He knows about the Eudae and the Bonded; it's taught as part of history. But he hadn't personally encountered any before Cha-surl. I do intend for a childhood flashback to when Dalton was five, at a parade with his father, and saw his first Euda.
 
Grey said:
Essentially, yes. Some things will be expressed by Dalton's familiarity with them, and others through his first encounters. He knows about the Eudae and the Bonded; it's taught as part of history. But he hadn't personally encountered any before Cha-surl. I do intend for a childhood flashback to when Dalton was five, at a parade with his father, and saw his first Euda.
Waiting on that flashback now :P
 
It is a bit sparse for an opening scene (I would like more smells and sounds personally) but there's a solid core there. Write the story. Find an editor and get it submitted. I want to read. :)
 
I am terribly conflicted between if the sparseness is just my personal preference or if it's actually to sparse in description. Could someone who thinks it's just perfect speak up against me?
 
Medelsvensson said:
I am terribly conflicted between if the sparseness is just my personal preference or if it's actually to sparse in description. Could someone who thinks it's just perfect speak up against me?
I still think it is just right.


Not perfect, perhaps...perfect is a difficult word to apply to these things.


The danger with fantasy and sci-fi is that the flow of the narrative gets broken by too much forced exposition. It's all a delicate balance of knowing when and what to reveal at just the correct time. I have seen narratives almost ruined because the author takes whole paragraphs to explain something they think is "super neat, don't you think it's neat too?" about their setting. Exposition should be contextually appropriate; just enough so the reader keeps from being confused, and to keep them wanting more, and not so much that the story starts taking second place to all the shiny elements of the new world.


Now, if the shiny world is what you want to explore, the that's fine.


This video by the folks at Extra Credits is pretty much about videogames and exposition, but I think it has some rather good ideas in it about treating exposition correctly.
 
Alexandra said:
I still think it is just right.
Not perfect, perhaps...perfect is a difficult word to apply to these things.


The danger with fantasy and sci-fi is that the flow of the narrative gets broken by too much forced exposition. It's all a delicate balance of knowing when and what to reveal at just the correct time. I have seen narratives almost ruined because the author takes whole paragraphs to explain something they think is "super neat, don't you think it's neat too?" about their setting. Exposition should be contextually appropriate; just enough so the reader keeps from being confused, and to keep them wanting more, and not so much that the story starts taking second place to all the shiny elements of the new world.


Now, if the shiny world is what you want to explore, the that's fine.


This video by the folks at Extra Credits is pretty much about videogames and exposition, but I think it has some rather good ideas in it about treating exposition correctly.
I agree and I like where this is going, but I feel it's just slightly too sparse.
But beware Grey, I don't want what Alexandra is describing.


Lookin forward to it.
 
Medelsvensson said:
I agree and I like where this is going, but I feel it's just slightly too sparse.
But beware Grey, I don't want what Alexandra is describing.


Lookin forward to it.
I think this kind of endeavour could benefit from some re-writing. Not scrapping anything, mind, but more like coming up with a few different versions to see if simply re-phrasing or reordering things could improve the overall feel.
 
Grey... I'm sorry that I have to do this. But all your story are belong to us. Hand it over now... AND LET THE REWRITING COMMENCE!
 
Medelsvensson said:
Grey... I'm sorry that I have to do this. But all your story are belong to us. Hand it over now... AND LET THE REWRITING COMMENCE!
Eek...nuuuu...


Prod him gently, and I'm sure he'll do more writing :D
 
More will get done. Essay season. And I have two other projects I'm more excited to get finished - Nights Neverending is here somewhere, if you're interested, Medel.


And yes, this opening section will get tweaked, but not a huge amount. I can see places where some words and phrasing can be added or altered. Millshipper made a good point about smells and sounds, but I don't want to overdo that. I think the formatting is unhelpful, to be honest, and I should like to expand this section for a bit more tension in future.
 
Grey said:
More will get done. Essay season. And I have two other projects I'm more excited to get finished - Nights Neverending is here somewhere, if you're interested, Medel.
And yes, this opening section will get tweaked, but not a huge amount. I can see places where some words and phrasing can be added or altered. Millshipper made a good point about smells and sounds, but I don't want to overdo that. I think the formatting is unhelpful, to be honest, and I should like to expand this section for a bit more tension in future.
This sounds good. I'll take a look at that other project of yours.
 
This is good. I like. The only part I think could use more was the description of the alien. It was a good and suitably creepy description, but I felt like I couldn't quite see it all. The rest I enjoyed. It rather reminded me of the beginnings of never let me go.
 
Meanwhile, on the other side of the world...


A hundred eyes shine in the darkness, unblinking, predatory.


Beyond the treeline, the apes had built their enclave of steel and glass amid the ashes of the forest. Kiva nods, bones in her hair clicking gently, and one of the warriors dashes out into the clearing. Immediately, bolts of light scream from the enclave and scorch the earth at this feet, and he runs back to the safety of the dark. Kiva frowns, a growl in her throat, staring at the marks. There were six; now there are eight, ringing a dead warrior.


“That is as far?” She asks, glaring at the returned scout.


“All, priestess. No further.” He replies, pressing his back against a tree.


She emerges from the forest with the eyes of her warriors at her back, followed by one bound ape and a monstrous moonborn. Out of range of their weapons, they stand glaring at the enclave of apes. A few shots ring out, but fall wide or fizzle. The pack begins to howl, the moonborn joining them with the full-throated call of their ancestors. Kiva allows herself a smile. The apes must quake at the sound, as does the captive. He makes a sound like begging and cries, but they showed no mercy, so neither will she. More shots flash as she cuts the captive's throat with her ceremonial knife, the blood flowing around her like crimson snakes, following the lines of her tattoos. She lays a hand on the moonborn, and his chest swells. His eyes glow like the setting sun. He bulges and growls as bones deform and spikes pierce his flesh.


And then he charges. The volley of bolts scorches his fur and sears his flesh, but still he approaches with the inevitability of a rockslide. A thunderous crash breaks the night as he collides with the side of the enclave, shattering reinforced glass and buckling struts. The apes are screaming and shouting, now, and Kiva raises her bloodied knife.


Spears and claws in hand, the warriors surge from out of the dark and into the breach. Bolts flash and cries ring out, the smell of blood and burning hair fills the air. But Kiva smiles, fangs over her lip, as the pack begins to howl again. Vengeance, they cry. Victory.


She walks into the breach, looking around with an air of nonchalance, as the fighting dies down.


Black marks mar the metal walls where their weapons discharged. A pair of warriors lie charred and dead. Blood spatters the floors and furniture.


She presses a hand on a low, red bench. Soft, slightly warm.


“This is how they live, then?” She wonders aloud, wandering to the next room. Another dead warrior. More dead apes, dressed in one-piece attire with small insignia on the shoulders. One clutches a weapon in deathly grip, the tip sparking randomly to no effect. This room has boxes affixed to the walls, a table, machines. The warriors are rifling through them, pulling out smaller boxes in bright colours, glass bottles, metal cans. Rubbish, she decides, and moves on.


The moonborn lies across a table in the next room, bleeding and burnt but not dead. She graces him with a touch on the brow before continuing.


"Find the prisoners," she announces to the waiting warriors, attentive around the walls or prying trophies from the dead. "They took ten of my sister's pack as slaves. They must be here somewhere." And then on, to another room.


This is where they sleep, she thinks. Soft fabric beds, arranged in stacks.


“Priestess, we found cubs!” Calls Vas, her protector, from a doorway.


She does not turn to him, holding a square of glass in her hand. It somehow contains a image of the apes – a female, male, two cubs. In some place far from here, strangeness behind them. They are smiling.


“Kill them.” Kiva replies, still looking at the image, fascinated. “We will not do as they do. Send them to their ancestors.”
 
Eeee, more finally :)


I like it, as a first draft, though I think it will need a bit of re-structuring or re-writing to make sure the reader doesn't get confused as to what exactly is going on; it's a little more difficult to interpret than the first segment.
 
Yeah, I noticed that. I think it'll need to be a much longer section ultimately, more slow and detailed.
 
Would using the term "hairless apes" be of any worth, do you think?


Because it takes a while to twig they're humans.
 
Probably, yeah. I did want to leave it a bit uncertain for a while, but I can make it clearer when the reveal does happen.
 

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