redletalis
The Plot Bunnies are attacking!
Adjusting to peace after everything was... strange. Weird. Impossible. Peace didn't sit with him, not after the Kyuubi attack or the war against Iwagakure. Not after all the people who had been added to the Memorial Stone.
Time had passed and everyone from before was dead and Kakashi wasn't. It wasn't
supposed to happen like that, and he was so furious that he wanted to burn the whole world and go down with it.
But his friends, those people who claimed they were his friends - Pakkun and Gai foremost among them (which was sad that I considered a pug his best friend) - wouldn't let him. And now here he was, trying to find a reason to stay, to live, to start caring again when it all had gone so very wrong last time.
Trying, too, to adjust to peace.
Sometimes Kakashi would start awake in the middle of the night with his heart pounding and breathing harsh, wild-eyed as he scanned the room, unable to recognize where he was. Sometimes even if it was midnight – or one, or two, three, four – he would pull himself out of the cocoon of blankets and lay down on the living room couch, feeling secure with the cushions at his back and a clear view of the room before him.
Or sometimes he would just sit with hands clenched in the sheets, trying to still his panic before anyone could see this tiny, slipping moment of insecurity. Fear. Insanity. He was going insane, slowly and surely.
It was peaceful, and Kakashi didn't know what to do. He wanted to run, sometimes. He looked at himself, in a soft bed with paw print sheets in a room with warm heating and comfortable security and nothing to hide from and wanted to run back into the cold, war, death. He was never supposed to be there like this – but he didn't run. He wouldn't be his father and run away, he would go down magnificently in a mission, saving his team. Or Konoha. Because he wasn't a coward.
He. Wasn't.
Sometimes - when he was training with the pack or even once or twice during those stupid challenges from Gai - he suspected that he was supposed to be happy. He'd been happy once before, a long long time ago, and it wasn't something he was ever supposed to be again, or wanted to be again. It was wrong, it was stagnant, and it made him want to leave so he could be miserable for a little while.
He didn't leave. He went to the Memorial Stone and sat down against it and let the other ANBU patrol the village and the periphery while Kakashi let his mind wander and linger on each name inscribed and let it bring out the face and memories associated with the names that he knew. And then he imagined about those that he didn't know.
Kakashi sat there now, soaked from the cold, never-ending autumn rain. His ANBU mask was in his lap, he didn't have his rain cloak. No one sane was out in this sort of weather unless they absolutely had to, even Pakkun had given in with a whine and had disappeared in a puff of smoke. Smart dog.
What did that say about Kakashi's current state of mind? A person who spent more time with the dead than with the living.
Heh. No wonder the other ANBU were getting a bit twitchy around him. Kakashi was getting more twitchy around himself.
Perhaps he should just end it during the next mission? Perhaps then would he experience this fabled 'peace' people kept talking about?
Time had passed and everyone from before was dead and Kakashi wasn't. It wasn't
supposed to happen like that, and he was so furious that he wanted to burn the whole world and go down with it.
But his friends, those people who claimed they were his friends - Pakkun and Gai foremost among them (which was sad that I considered a pug his best friend) - wouldn't let him. And now here he was, trying to find a reason to stay, to live, to start caring again when it all had gone so very wrong last time.
Trying, too, to adjust to peace.
Sometimes Kakashi would start awake in the middle of the night with his heart pounding and breathing harsh, wild-eyed as he scanned the room, unable to recognize where he was. Sometimes even if it was midnight – or one, or two, three, four – he would pull himself out of the cocoon of blankets and lay down on the living room couch, feeling secure with the cushions at his back and a clear view of the room before him.
Or sometimes he would just sit with hands clenched in the sheets, trying to still his panic before anyone could see this tiny, slipping moment of insecurity. Fear. Insanity. He was going insane, slowly and surely.
It was peaceful, and Kakashi didn't know what to do. He wanted to run, sometimes. He looked at himself, in a soft bed with paw print sheets in a room with warm heating and comfortable security and nothing to hide from and wanted to run back into the cold, war, death. He was never supposed to be there like this – but he didn't run. He wouldn't be his father and run away, he would go down magnificently in a mission, saving his team. Or Konoha. Because he wasn't a coward.
He. Wasn't.
Sometimes - when he was training with the pack or even once or twice during those stupid challenges from Gai - he suspected that he was supposed to be happy. He'd been happy once before, a long long time ago, and it wasn't something he was ever supposed to be again, or wanted to be again. It was wrong, it was stagnant, and it made him want to leave so he could be miserable for a little while.
He didn't leave. He went to the Memorial Stone and sat down against it and let the other ANBU patrol the village and the periphery while Kakashi let his mind wander and linger on each name inscribed and let it bring out the face and memories associated with the names that he knew. And then he imagined about those that he didn't know.
Kakashi sat there now, soaked from the cold, never-ending autumn rain. His ANBU mask was in his lap, he didn't have his rain cloak. No one sane was out in this sort of weather unless they absolutely had to, even Pakkun had given in with a whine and had disappeared in a puff of smoke. Smart dog.
What did that say about Kakashi's current state of mind? A person who spent more time with the dead than with the living.
Heh. No wonder the other ANBU were getting a bit twitchy around him. Kakashi was getting more twitchy around himself.
Perhaps he should just end it during the next mission? Perhaps then would he experience this fabled 'peace' people kept talking about?