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Story The Second Opportunity

Pareidolia

The Human Side
#1
Author's Note: This is a random snippet that features a ghost and a girl. (Just in case it was difficult to understand the scenario.) It was a short, odd scenario that came onto mind and upon completion I wanted to share it with the community. I do hope it makes some sense, but if not then please do let me know.


My eyes flitted up to her transparent figure. Her pale, blue eyes gleamed an ambivalent light as she watched me. We both knew where this needed to go. But my mouth could not open up to say the words that needed to be spoken. I knew I was being selfish. I've always been like this, which especially did not help now that I knew my feelings.

She gently placed a hand on my cheek, but it felt neither warm or cold. A pang struck my heart from this truth. My eyes must have betrayed my thoughts since a sad smile appeared on her face. "There will come a time when we can see each other again, but for now I must go ahead without you. I'll be sure to tidy up the place before you arrive. I know how much clutter bothers you."

The soft words she whispered into my ear didn't alleviate any of the heaviness inside me. My vision began to blur in front of me. Tears crawled down my cheeks as I coughed out a sob. Weakened by the dense atmosphere, my knees gave in and I collapsed onto the floor. My body shook as it tried to calm my sobbing fit.

"Oh little love."

There weren't any coherent thoughts running across my mind, only jumbled pieces of memories flashing by. All of them with her as my focal point. There was one with her jumping out of a tree scaring me, another of her gifting me a kitten, and the most vivid one of them all; where she proclaimed her love for me before the heart monitor rate went flat.

"How can I live in a world without you?" amidst the mess I was, an audible, comprehensive question left my lips. I lifted my head up from the ground to hear her answer, more tears falling when they made contact with her somber eyes. "But love you already have been. I technically do not exist in this world. Your powers have simply kept me here. You Ajax know that best." She was right, as she has always been. Anna didn't exist in this world anymore. She had not for six months now. Everyone but me and her family has somehow accepted it.

"But this time you will truly be gone."

"Ajax once again you are wrong. Give me your hand." Like an obedient dog, I lifted a hand in front of me. Despite not feeling any warmth or chill from her touch, Anna was able to easily maneuver my hand. First she placed it on top of my bosom, in the general area of where my heart is, then she lifted it up and gently placed one finger on the center of my forehead. "I live in your heart and in your memories love. As long as you remember me, then I still exist. From these past months you've learned that love can exist even without physical affection. The hardest and strongest part of love comes from the acceptance in our hearts. It also took me all these months for you to finally realize your feelings," she softly smirked. But soon it disappeared, "But now it is time for you to move on love. You must live for yourself, not just for me."

The longer she spoke, the more my mind agreed with her. Yet my heart was still unyielding. "Please there must be some other way for you to come back," some desperate side of me was beginning to surface. I was emotionally falling apart. My eyes searched her face with a yearning for an answer, an answer that will please my heart. A frown and sad eyes were the only answers I received from her face. My mouth opened once more, ready to blabber out more nonsense when she stopped the words from flowing out by bringing her lips onto mine.

It was only in this moment that I felt a slight jolt flow across my body. Warmth rushed up onto my cheeks and hot tears continued to run down my face. Through a kiss, my heart was set. We had done this many times before where no real warmth came from it, but some how this time I felt her passion. It was the first and last time I would ever feel it. "I love you Annalee Jones." As soon as the words left my mouth I could feel a ghost of a smile on hers. I didn't want to open my eyes, but the bright lights that shined on Anna was captivating. Piece by piece her form disappeared into the sky like petals in the wind. I held a smile onto my face as my eyes continued to shower out a waterfall of tears. This time my love was truly gone from this reality, but I continued to harbor her words in that she lives in my memories and in my heart.

And for the second time in my life, I had to say goodbye to Annalee Jones.
 
Last edited:

Bone2pick

Minority of One
#4
The following criticisms are merely my opinions. Hopefully you'll get some value out of them.


My eyes flitted up to her transparent figure. Her pale, blue eyes gleamed an ambivalent light as she watched me. Starting with both characters' eyes is a mistake. It's repetitive and unoriginal. Also, 'ambivalent' is an odd modifier for light. It's difficult to imagine what ambivalent light looks like. We both knew where this needed to go., But my mouth could not open up to say the words that needed to be spoken. I knew I was being selfish. I've always been like this, which especially did not help now that I knew my feelings.

She gently placed a hand on my cheek, but it felt neither warm or cold. A pang struck my heart from this truth. I don't like the word 'truth' here. Also, she's been a ghost for six months, so Ajax should be adjusted to her spectral touch. My eyes must have betrayed my thoughts since a sad smile appeared on her face. "There will come a time when we can see each other again, "see each other again" is unromantic language. I would strengthen that. but for now I must go ahead without you. I'll be sure to tidy up the place before you arrive. I know how much clutter bothers you."

The soft words she whispered into my ear didn't alleviate any of the heaviness inside me. I don't like 'heaviness' here. Heavy is not getting the part you wanted in a play or getting rejected by your crush. I wouldn't use it to describe losing your true love. My vision began to blur in front of me. Tears crawled down my cheeks as I coughed out a sob. Weakened by the dense atmosphere, I don't even know what that means. Dense atmosphere? my knees gave in and I collapsed onto the floor. My body shook as it tried to calm my sobbing fit.

"Oh little love."

There weren't any coherent thoughts running across my mind, only jumbled pieces of memories flashing by. We don't need to be told what the character wasn't thinking. All of them with her as my focal point. Obviously. There was one with her jumping out of a tree scaring me, another of her gifting me a kitten, and the most vivid one of them all; While sweet, these are very juvenile memories. Are the characters teenagers? I can't tell from the story. where she proclaimed her love for me before the heart monitor rate went flat.

"How can I live in a world without you?" Why is his dialogue bolded now?amidst the mess I was, an audible, comprehensive question left my lips. That's awkward wording. I lifted my head up from the ground to hear her answer, more tears falling when they made contact with her somber eyes. "But love you already have been. I technically do not exist in this world. I don't like the word 'technically' here. It breaks the mood. Also, I prefer separate paragraphs when the speaker changes. Your powers have simply kept me here. You ,Ajax, know that best." She was right, as she has always been. Anna didn't exist in this world anymore. She had not for six months now. Everyone but me and her family has somehow accepted it. Me and her family?

"But this time you will truly be gone."

"Ajax once again you are wrong. That's not very romantic dialogue. Cut the guy some slack. Give me your hand." Like an obedient dog, Yikes. An "obedient dog" is a grossly unfavorable description and way out of character for this scene. , I lifted a hand in front of me. Despite not feeling any warmth or chill from her touch, Anna was able to easily maneuver my hand. First she placed it on top of my bosom, in the general area of where my heart is, then she lifted it up and gently placed one finger on the center of my forehead. "I live in your heart and in your memories love. As long as you remember me, then I still exist. From these past months you've learned that love can exist even without physical affection. The hardest and strongest part of love comes from the acceptance in our hearts. It also took me all these months for you to finally realize your feelings," she softly smirked. But soon it disappeared, "But now it is time for you to move on love. You must live for yourself, not just for me."

The longer she spoke, the more my mind agreed with her. Yet my heart was still unyielding. "Please there must be some other way for you to come back," some desperate side of me was beginning to surface. I was emotionally falling apart. That's understood. My eyes searched her face with a yearning for an answer, an answer that will please my heart. A frown and sad eyes were the only answers I received from her face. We know her eyes and mouth are located on her face. My mouth opened once more, ready to blabber out more nonsense when she stopped the words from flowing out by bringing her lips onto mine. 'Bringing' is too weak a verb in this context.

It was only in this moment that I felt a slight jolt flow across my body. Warmth rushed up onto my cheeks and as hot tears continued to run streamed down my face. Through a kiss, my heart was set. Your best line imo. Nice job. We had done this many times before where but no real warmth came from it,. but some how this time I felt her passion. It was the first and last time I would ever feel it. Another good line. "I love you Annalee Jones." As soon as the words left my mouth I could feel a ghost of a smile on hers. I didn't want to open my eyes, but the bright lights that shined on Anna was were captivating. Emotionally speaking, it shouldn't be the captivating lights that makes Ajax opens his eyes. Piece by piece her form disappeared into the sky like petals in the wind. I held a smile onto my face as my eyes continued to shower out a waterfall of tears. I don't like this sentence. This time my love was truly gone from this reality, but I continued to harbor her words in that she lives in my memories and in my heart.

And for the second time in my life, I had to say said goodbye to Annalee Jones.
 

Pareidolia

The Human Side
#5
The following criticisms are merely my opinions. Hopefully you'll get some value out of them.


My eyes flitted up to her transparent figure. Her pale, blue eyes gleamed an ambivalent light as she watched me. Starting with both characters' eyes is a mistake. It's repetitive and unoriginal. Also, 'ambivalent' is an odd modifier for light. It's difficult to imagine what ambivalent light looks like. We both knew where this needed to go., But my mouth could not open up to say the words that needed to be spoken. I knew I was being selfish. I've always been like this, which especially did not help now that I knew my feelings.

She gently placed a hand on my cheek, but it felt neither warm or cold. A pang struck my heart from this truth. I don't like the word 'truth' here. Also, she's been a ghost for six months, so Ajax should be adjusted to her spectral touch. My eyes must have betrayed my thoughts since a sad smile appeared on her face. "There will come a time when we can see each other again, "see each other again" is unromantic language. I would strengthen that. but for now I must go ahead without you. I'll be sure to tidy up the place before you arrive. I know how much clutter bothers you."

The soft words she whispered into my ear didn't alleviate any of the heaviness inside me. I don't like 'heaviness' here. Heavy is not getting the part you wanted in a play or getting rejected by your crush. I wouldn't use it to describe losing your true love. My vision began to blur in front of me. Tears crawled down my cheeks as I coughed out a sob. Weakened by the dense atmosphere, I don't even know what that means. Dense atmosphere? my knees gave in and I collapsed onto the floor. My body shook as it tried to calm my sobbing fit.

"Oh little love."

There weren't any coherent thoughts running across my mind, only jumbled pieces of memories flashing by. We don't need to be told what the character wasn't thinking. All of them with her as my focal point. Obviously. There was one with her jumping out of a tree scaring me, another of her gifting me a kitten, and the most vivid one of them all; While sweet, these are very juvenile memories. Are the characters teenagers? I can't tell from the story. where she proclaimed her love for me before the heart monitor rate went flat.

"How can I live in a world without you?" Why is his dialogue bolded now?amidst the mess I was, an audible, comprehensive question left my lips. That's awkward wording. I lifted my head up from the ground to hear her answer, more tears falling when they made contact with her somber eyes. "But love you already have been. I technically do not exist in this world. I don't like the word 'technically' here. It breaks the mood. Also, I prefer separate paragraphs when the speaker changes. Your powers have simply kept me here. You ,Ajax, know that best." She was right, as she has always been. Anna didn't exist in this world anymore. She had not for six months now. Everyone but me and her family has somehow accepted it. Me and her family?

"But this time you will truly be gone."

"Ajax once again you are wrong. That's not very romantic dialogue. Cut the guy some slack. Give me your hand." Like an obedient dog, Yikes. An "obedient dog" is a grossly unfavorable description and way out of character for this scene. , I lifted a hand in front of me. Despite not feeling any warmth or chill from her touch, Anna was able to easily maneuver my hand. First she placed it on top of my bosom, in the general area of where my heart is, then she lifted it up and gently placed one finger on the center of my forehead. "I live in your heart and in your memories love. As long as you remember me, then I still exist. From these past months you've learned that love can exist even without physical affection. The hardest and strongest part of love comes from the acceptance in our hearts. It also took me all these months for you to finally realize your feelings," she softly smirked. But soon it disappeared, "But now it is time for you to move on love. You must live for yourself, not just for me."

The longer she spoke, the more my mind agreed with her. Yet my heart was still unyielding. "Please there must be some other way for you to come back," some desperate side of me was beginning to surface. I was emotionally falling apart. That's understood. My eyes searched her face with a yearning for an answer, an answer that will please my heart. A frown and sad eyes were the only answers I received from her face. We know her eyes and mouth are located on her face. My mouth opened once more, ready to blabber out more nonsense when she stopped the words from flowing out by bringing her lips onto mine. 'Bringing' is too weak a verb in this context.

It was only in this moment that I felt a slight jolt flow across my body. Warmth rushed up onto my cheeks and as hot tears continued to run streamed down my face. Through a kiss, my heart was set. Your best line imo. Nice job. We had done this many times before where but no real warmth came from it,. but some how this time I felt her passion. It was the first and last time I would ever feel it. Another good line. "I love you Annalee Jones." As soon as the words left my mouth I could feel a ghost of a smile on hers. I didn't want to open my eyes, but the bright lights that shined on Anna was were captivating. Emotionally speaking, it shouldn't be the captivating lights that makes Ajax opens his eyes. Piece by piece her form disappeared into the sky like petals in the wind. I held a smile onto my face as my eyes continued to shower out a waterfall of tears. I don't like this sentence. This time my love was truly gone from this reality, but I continued to harbor her words in that she lives in my memories and in my heart.

And for the second time in my life, I had to say said goodbye to Annalee Jones.
Thank you. I appreciate the comments written. I will take note of these and look into the edits.
 

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