Journal The Journey to Self-acceptance

[Wyosch]

Hi there people!
This is my story on how an insecure girl finally found the strength and bravery to be who she really is - and how she was finally able to accept herself.

This story will be very personal and might trigger some people, so I'll put a trigger warning here ! Please only read on if you're sure you're capable to.

- TRIGGER WARNING -​

 

[Wyosch]

​

Name: Leonie van Breda
Nicknames: Leo, Bitch, Jerk, Assbutt, Idjit, Honk, Baby, Sis
Age: 16
Birthday: June 20th, 2001
Gender: Female
Sexuality: Bi / Pan
Love Life: Single

• Appearance
• Psyche
• Personality (WIP)
• Dreams / Goals for the future (WIP)

• 
  
  
  Eyes: Dark Brown (almost black) mixed with orange and light brown spots
  Hair: Blueish-Green (naturally dark blonde)
  Height: 5.5 ft. (167 cm)
  Build: curvy
  Marks:
  
  • many faint scars on arms and legs
  • 13 good (and thick) visible scars on left arm
  • 9 good (and thick) visible scars on right arm
  • 2 deep (and old lol) very visible scars on left shoulder
  • 1 long, deep (and old) very visible scar on right shoulder
  • freckles on inner shoulder that looks like a triangle
• 
  Likes: the beach, laughing, drawing traditionally and graphically, singing, playing keyboard, going to concerts, listening to music, fangirling, being goofy and childish, inspirational quotes, food, animals, travelling, meeting interesting people, having deep conversations, motivating people, photography, helping people out, listening to people, people that don't judge without knowing the person, watching movies & TV shows
  Dislikes: rude people, discrimination, judging, maths, physics, 'Gangsta Rap', people thinking they're better than everyone else, people pretending to care, people walking slowly, people using references to mental disorder to explain their feelings (e.g. 'The price went up - that makes me so depressed!'), people that stare at you for no reason, being in a small elevator with many people
  Fears: Spiders, Insects, having no way out, failing school, disappointing my loved ones
  
  
  

  ​
  
  Favorite Color(s): Black Ice Blue Kiwi Green Navy Blue
  Favorite Animal(s): Wolves, Big Cats, Dogs, Horses, Cows, Baluga Whales, Owls, Bald Eagles, Rabbits
  Favorite Number(s): 1
  Favorite TV Show(s): Supernatural, Teen Wolf, Once Upon A Time, My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic, Inazuma Eleven, Yu-Gi-Oh! 5D's
  Favorite Movie(s): Need For Speed, The Transformers (all of the movies), The Thor Movies (just because of Loki though), Marvel Civil War, Spirit The Stallion of the Cimarron
  Favorite Band(s)/Singer(s):
  
  • 
    
    • Three Days Grace
    • Linkin Park
    • Breaking Benjamin
    • Imagine Dragons
    • Black Veil Brides
    • AC/DC
    • Avenged Sevenfold
    • Ashes Remain
    • Saint Asonia
    • Skillet
    • Simple Plan
    • Nickelback
    • Hollywood Undead
    • Shinedown
    • Fall Out Boy
    • Nine Lashes
    • Daughtry
    • Five Finger Death Punch
    • Papa Roach
    • All Good Things
    • Icon For Hire
    • Starset
    • My Chemical Romance
    • Bring Me The Horizon
    • Panic! At The Disco
    • I Prevail
    • Twenty One Pilots
    • Green Day
    • Sleeping With Sirens
    • BTS
    • Got7
  Favorite Song(s): I have over 170 favorite songs xD
  
  
  

  ​
  
  Disease(s) / Mental Disorders: Scoliosis, Depression, Anxiety Disorder, minor OCD, borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder,
  Allergies: none that I know of
  
  Hobbies: drawing, listening to music, photography, chatting with friends, rp'ing, writing stories, teaching myself how to play the piano (keyboard), daydreaming, collecting stuff I probably never need, collecting stuffed animals
  Dreamjob: Graphic Designer / Animator
  
  Treasures (that I always carry with me):
  
  • Wolf Necklace that I got from my best friend
  • Dragon Mood Necklace
  • Wing Necklace that my sister gifted me
  • my favorite bracelets
  • One half of a Best Friends Necklace that my other best friend gave to me
• 
  
  
  

  ​
• 
  x
  

 

[Wyosch]

Let's start at the beginning - Part 1

2012 - I was 11.
A normal girl.
Happy, playful, living life to the fullest.
I liked myself, I knew who I was and I didn't bow to anyone. I said what I thought (I wasn't rude though) and I didn't let anyone scare me.
I was kind of a tomboy. Kinda still are.
And proud to be me.

I didn't know that what would happen next would change my entire life.​

I don't remember everything anymore.
I remember it was noon, school's out. I ran over to my mother who was waiting for me to bring me home, but something was off.
She wasn't smiling her usual soft and warm smile.
No.
She was crying.
Panicked, I asked her what was wrong. And her reply literally left me speechless for a moment. Never in my entire life had I felt this numb.
"Your aunt died this morning... heart attack."
"What? Why? No. How?"
I remember my mother looking at me strangely because of my weird answer, but in fact, I just didn't know what to reply. I only felt numb.
Strange thing - I don't remember anything anymore from that one week where I went to school. Nothing. Nada. I remember the day I was told the news. I remember the day we drove to the Netherlands to attend her funeral.
And that's all. It's as if I have a total memory loss of what happened in that one week.
I don't know what I did. I don't know what I felt.
There is just this blank hole.

Losing people is always hard.
You'll get over it.
I know it took me many months to get over my grandfather's death.
It didn't take me long to get over my aunt's. I believe I was already finished mourning after the funeral.

Or maybe that's what I made myself believe.​

A month or so later, my parents, grandparents, my sister and me went on a one week vacation. Swimming.
I remember that I suddenly started worrying something bad might happen to my mother. All in all, my two cousins both lost their mother at a young age...
"I'm scared I'll lose mom too."
"Your aunt was sick, you can't forget that. Your mom is in perfect health.", my grandmother kept replying, but it didn't soothe me.
I kept asking myself what would happen if I'd lose one of my parents.
It kept me up at night. Always asking myself the same questions.
'What if mom dies?'
'What if dad dies?'
'What if something bad happens to them?'

I didn't know that those thoughts were only the beginning of something similar to a nightmare...​

 

[Wyosch]

Let's start at the beginning - Part 2

I remember that I wasn't able to sleep anymore, and that I was only pushing myself further and further into isolation.
I didn't go outside anymore, my room was my holy place. It was safe there.
Irrational thoughts 24/7.
'What if a plane crashes on top of my house?'
Irrational fears.
'I'm scared of people replacing me for someone better'.
In my eyes, I was nothing but a scaredy cat. Someone who didn't enjoy life anymore, and who was only able to get scared all too easily.
The dark.
Clowns.
Puppets.
Cars.
Everything.

It went on like this for two years, until my body couldn't take it anymore.
​

I didn't want this anymore. This pain.
I wanted to care, but I didn't.
I wanted to do something, but I couldn't.
I was either too hyperactive, or too quiet. I sometimes lay in bed for days without moving a single finger.
I couldn't bear this anymore.

I want to die.
​

There wasn't a day where one of those thoughts didn't cross my mind.
I was trapped in this never ending hell, in my own thoughts where I ought to be safe.

I was 14 when I did it for the first time.
The metal digging into my skin hurt, but it wasn't as bad as my mind.
The first 7 cuts were only on the surface. Gone in a couple of days.

I didn't touch the knife anymore after that. I didn't want my parents to find out.

I didn't know that 2016 would be the year I tried to take my own life with the same knife I first cut myself with.​