Swingset Between Autumn Street and Lynch Drive

[JadeWuvsCookies]

Chapter 1: Autumn and Lynch


(Suggestions and Constructive Criticism Welcomed.)



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Autumn and Lynch.. an odd set of young brother and sister. They got along quiet well for awhile, except for when Autumn got everythingn she wanted. This annoyed Lynch but he had always tried to shrug it off and didnt say anything so they barely ever argued. One thing they loved that they could actually do together was walking. Where to? Well their favorite swingset in the back of an old, abandoned house by the Whispering Creek. Autumn found it when she was 5 and Lynch was 8. Autumn was following her imaginary friends while Lynch followed her voice.


A few years passed and by the time they had reached this area once more ( 3 years later ) Lynch had been very overwhelmed due to his sister's constant spoiling. Lynch watched and tried to be happy for his sister but he never got anything, not even the simplest of toys.. Autumn had tagged along to walk to the swingset and along the way she just bragged and bragged about her new toy accessories.


Shrugging it off once more he walked swiftly once they were behind the house. Once he made it over to the swingset he rolled his eyes and looked at his sister with frustration "Well then little Princess. Just sit down and let me push you.. You always seem to get what you want.." He huffed and made the gesture for her to sit, though he was serious as well as sarcastic. Lynch had always pushed her since they'd found this spot so she ignored his comment and decided that she'd sit down for a light swing.


"You know, your such a brat sometimes.. no, majority of the time" He said this very angrily and glared at her from behind.


A bit aggitated due to his aggressiveness she rolled her eyes "Okay then, Lynch.." As Autumn sat she gripped the chains of the swing tightly and smiled. The more she was pushed the more she began to wander and talk about the things she wanted. "Oh! And I want a fluffy, blue unicorn toy!" This made Lynch angry, very angry.. He couldn't stand this anymore and wanted to leave or her to. Lynch tried very hard to tone the rest out but he couldn't and his anger overtook him. Pushing Autumn with all of his strength, he made her go even higher than necessary. Autumn shrieked with fear as she flew up into the air "LYN-" Before she could finish she fell onto the ground with what sounded like a loud crunch. In Lynch's quick flash of anger, he spots his sister there on the ground a few feet in front of him. It was like.. he had blacked out.


Lynch's eyes then stormed with fear and tears, running over to Autumn he pretended she was okay. "C-Come on Autumn.. This isn't funny. Don't play this game on me." Autumn was dead.. she'd gone up too high, too fast, fell too hard.. Lynch had many emotions go over him and unable to help it he ran. Lynch waited awhile before deciding to call the cops from his neighbors phone.


(This is just my roughdraft and it has been edited, I think it's better. I'm going to move to Chapter 2.)

 

[Lady Odyssey]

Feedback:


I love how you open the chapter. It serves as a captivating hook, and certainly grabs one's attention and compels them to read more. Lynch's emotions were displayed very well, and the explanation behind his actions are displayed well, too. I was curious throughout the whole chapter, and would love to learn more about Autumn and Lynch in the future. Perhaps see some character development, and even more emotions and thoughts from Lynch. The last scene truly is heartbreaking, and wrapped up the chapter wonderfully. Nothing better than ending the first chapter with a cliffhanger, huh? Well done! I also loved how you had Lynch believe she had been joking; it adds depth to Lynch, and adds a punch to the reader's emotions.





Suggestions:


Some words don't need to be used, and while I understand this is the rough draft, I'd advise you to go over the first chapter and cut out unnecessary words to make the sentences flow more smoothly. While reading the passage, I can't help but to feel a bit confused as to how the transition of Autumn in the first paragraph to the Autumn described from Lynch's perspective of being bratty and spoiled. I'd suggest you touch a little more on the subject and explain in depth as to how Autumn changed from the sweet, imaginative girl to the bratty Autumn, or if she had always been that way. Lastly, I feel the scene was rushed. The transition was a bit jagged, and I feel as though it would be better if you found a way to smoothly transition from one scene to the next.


Over all, it's a great start! Just a few tweaks here and there will make it even greater. Can't wait to read more!


─ Lady

 

[JadeWuvsCookies]

[QUOTE="Lady Odyssey]Feedback:
I love how you open the chapter. It serves as a captivating hook, and certainly grabs one's attention and compels them to read more. Lynch's emotions were displayed very well, and the explanation behind his actions are displayed well, too. I was curious throughout the whole chapter, and would love to learn more about Autumn and Lynch in the future. Perhaps see some character development, and even more emotions and thoughts from Lynch. The last scene truly is heartbreaking, and wrapped up the chapter wonderfully. Nothing better than ending the first chapter with a cliffhanger, huh? Well done! I also loved how you had Lynch believe she had been joking; it adds depth to Lynch, and adds a punch to the reader's emotions.





Suggestions:


Some words don't need to be used, and while I understand this is the rough draft, I'd advise you to go over the first chapter and cut out unnecessary words to make the sentences flow more smoothly. While reading the passage, I can't help but to feel a bit confused as to how the transition of Autumn in the first paragraph to the Autumn described from Lynch's perspective of being bratty and spoiled. I'd suggest you touch a little more on the subject and explain in depth as to how Autumn changed from the sweet, imaginative girl to the bratty Autumn, or if she had always been that way. Lastly, I feel the scene was rushed. The transition was a bit jagged, and I feel as though it would be better if you found a way to smoothly transition from one scene to the next.


Over all, it's a great start! Just a few tweaks here and there will make it even greater. Can't wait to read more!


─ Lady
[/QUOTE]
Thank you very much, I will definately take what you said into consideration to make the story better and I have much to happen for them.. muahaha

 

[JadeWuvsCookies]

Chapter 2: Gone like the Wind

(Suggestions and Constructive Criticism Welcomed.)

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Lynch's heart sank as he realized what'd he had done. When hearing the cops from his neighbors house he made a run for it, knowing he'd be charged with murder.. homicide.. something that has to do with death. Though he didn't mean it, any of it! "What have I done?.." tears streamed down his face as he cried. He had killed his little sister and he didn't know what to do other than head to the woods and atleast try steak it out till morning.


Curling up into a small ball, Lynch hugged his knees to himself and made the attempt to sleep but he couldn't. It was like.. Autumn was taunting him. Lynch had to go back to the swingset.. he just had to! He had to see Autumn one last time wether it was dead or alive.. and in this case it was dead.


As he headed out for the swingset he had to constantly dodge cop cars patrolling the neighborhood in which the house and swingset were in. Lynch wiped away a few tears as the events ran through his mind, he couldn't believe she was gone.. it didn't feel like she was, atleast not to him.


Lynch made it to the swingset 5 minutes later, seeing his sister's body like the cops hadn't moved it nor like it had been examined. There was no tape or anything to indicate the fact that they had been there and that scared Lynch quiet a bit but he just sat next to her and rubbed her back as if he were trying to comfort her. "Oh Autumn.. you couldn't have left.. You cant just leave me, mom, and dad! You can't!" He sighed, realizing she'd never respond. Or that's what he thought.


Autumn was still there.. but not necessarily in a human form. She was in here spiritual form and this is where the Whispering Creek comes in. The Whispering Creek holds the voices and spirits of those who have passed near it or.. oddly, in it. Autumn was wherever the Creek was and followed it daily.


As Lynch was confused and deeply disturbed, Autumn slowly watched and came up behind him with a smile on her face as if nothing had happened. "Lynchhhh...." Her voice was smooth and delicate when she spoke, giving him goosebumps.


Not able to believe it, he slowly turned around and shrieked. Lynch stumbled backwards due to the fright of actually seeing his ghostly sister.. she was here! "A-Autumn? Your here.. How? Your dead!" He loved her and was glad to see her but it was also frightening seeing her some other form. But next thing you know, her hair moved from her face and a mischevious grin appeared, making him even more scared..


"I'mm going to get youuu Lynchhh...."


(This is my roughdraft of Chapter 2. I hope you enjoyed, give me your opinions my darlings. Also, I edited Chapter 1. If you see this Lady,could you pm me what you think? Thanks! :3 )