Poetry spilled thoughts

[soft glamour.]

i think
there must be some
reason why i am
the way i am.
my god?
my parents?
my self?
i want someone to
blame.
- failure

 

[soft glamour.]

i torture myself
unwillingly.
i force myself
past what i can
survive.
just to please you.
yet
you're never pleased enough.

clearly
i have made
a mistake in thinking
that i would ever be good enough to please
the unpleasurable.
- unable

 

[soft glamour.]

why
i ask, in the harsh white
of the bathroom with
the door closed and locked
why do you stay silent?
i only have five minutes before they check.
she opens her mouth to speak,
but someone knocks.
"kathryn?"
- the hospital

 

[soft glamour.]

i say
i wont get to that point
i wont let myself get to that point
i will stop myself when i get to that point

but will i?
or will i continue on
in the pain and confusion?
my brain begging me to
ask for help or
stop or
die already.
i know which of the three i want to do.
- suicidal