Other So, what do you know about RELATIONSHIPS?

[Elowyn]

Hey,

I've been wondering about these for a while. I am generally a shy person who doesn't like to talk openly about her feelings. (///=//////=///) But recently I've gained an emotional -- and dare i say?-- romantic attachment to one specific person.

How can I know if it's "real?" Or if it'll just go away after a while. He expressed to me that he wants to be friends for now.

(And yeah, I know going about on the internet asking anyone who will answer isn't the smartest move out there (but who said I was smart...?!) and I will totally take all and any responses with a HUGE grain of salt. Scratch that, with a spoonful of salt. I only want to have a little more information on what to do, what not to do given x, y, z, because I'm just not really that great socially. I like being the "nice girl" and doing acts of kindness, but friendships are just kinda confusing for me.)

 

[fleurdelys]

every person and relationship is different, so I don't think there's a true 'one size fits all' kind of answer, but this is my general answer based on personal experience, observations on friends' relationships, my own values, etc.:

is it "real"? your feelings are real and valid, but "real" is not synonymous with "everlasting". if you distance yourself from someone - i.e., don't see them, don't talk to them, don't think about them - then your feelings will fade, most of the time. but whether your feelings are love, infatuation, etc. is different. you might just have a crush on this person that fades as you get to know them, or just as time goes by and you meet other people. or if your feelings are unchanged even as they show their faults, or they get on your nerves once in a while, then yeah maybe it's something deeper than infatuation.

as for what to do, I'd say it depends on what kind of person you are. I think the somewhat safer bet is to distance yourself a bit, give yourself a chance to get over your feelings before you try to just be friends. having unrequited affections sucks and I don't think anyone should be left to hang around, pining after someone who doesn't feel the same about them. it's not fair to either party. however if you have some mental fortitude and can "turn off" your feelings in any way then you can go through business as usual... but I don't think that's very easy for a lot of people to do. in any case, I wouldn't wait around for this guy to want to be more than friends.

idk just my two cents!!

 

[Setting In a Hanimu]

How can you know if it's real? You're the only one who'd be able to answer that. Think of your friends and family. You care about them, right? Is your feeling towards them the same as your feelings towards this guy?

Is it going to go away? I can't answer that either. (I'm so helpful, aren't I?) If you feel a rush or a 'high' whenever you see him, then yeah, eventually that's going to go away -- whether you get into a relationship with him or not. Maybe it's not going to disappear entirely, but it's going to become less intense or it's just going to appear in occasional bursts rather than all the time. It could either become replaced with a deeper bond (the same kind of thing you'd see in happy, healthy long-term relationships) or just go away entirely depends on what happens between the two of you. Typically, you only get the former if you actually get into a relationship with him.

But anyway. You're probably young. You've got all the time in the world, so don't feel like you need to rush things because you absolutely don't have to. You know my mum was in a loveless marriage for a good part of her life, and she only ever found her 'true love' when she was already in her mid-50's. It's going to happen when it happens. Don't try to fit into anyone's mould. ^^.

 

[Hige]

I assume you're young, so from my advice, just have fun. It doesn't matter if it's real or not. You're not looking to marry so early, right?
If you date, you date. If you don't, you don't. You'll find someone else, or you'll find something else to do. Be his friend. He may not be boyfriend material, but he may be a great friend. Or he may be a great boyfriend. Who knows? Doen't matter.

 

[Elowyn]

Thanks for all the info guys! I really appreciate it and you all mentioned some good guidelines which can be a good place to start. ^^ especially lillies fleurdelys : thanks!

Right now I am getting some distance despite friends who try to get me to stick around. Hopefully I can sort through my feelings some more. Right now it's a little confusing with different communities and cross culture and self worth and value. But I truly believe I'm getting there, both with friends and family.

At this point I just have to admit that I really really like this person, and that life feels somehow incomplete without him. I could get the best job, the richest house, be super tight with God, have friends who genuinely and honestly care about me, but some how... I just know I would have this sensation of loss and an empty space where he is supposed to be. If that sounds kind of iffy, then sorry. I don't know a better way to describe it.

 

[Elowyn]

every person and relationship is different, so I don't think there's a true 'one size fits all' kind of answer, but this is my general answer based on personal experience, observations on friends' relationships, my own values, etc.:

is it "real"? your feelings are real and valid, but "real" is not synonymous with "everlasting". if you distance yourself from someone - i.e., don't see them, don't talk to them, don't think about them - then your feelings will fade, most of the time. but whether your feelings are love, infatuation, etc. is different. you might just have a crush on this person that fades as you get to know them, or just as time goes by and you meet other people. or if your feelings are unchanged even as they show their faults, or they get on your nerves once in a while, then yeah maybe it's something deeper than infatuation.

as for what to do, I'd say it depends on what kind of person you are. I think the somewhat safer bet is to distance yourself a bit, give yourself a chance to get over your feelings before you try to just be friends. having unrequited affections sucks and I don't think anyone should be left to hang around, pining after someone who doesn't feel the same about them. it's not fair to either party. however if you have some mental fortitude and can "turn off" your feelings in any way then you can go through business as usual... but I don't think that's very easy for a lot of people to do. in any case, I wouldn't wait around for this guy to want to be more than friends.

idk just my two cents!!

Yeah, I am/have been trying to put distance, but it doesn't work. And I'm honestly quite frustrated because I care so deeply about this guy and it kind of scares me because I've never felt like this for this long before due to a person that I may actually be able to start a "beyond-friends" relationship with. It is terrifying to me because I love him so much and almost everything about him attracts me like a honeybee to a blooming rose. I guess I am a little worried that he isn't attracted to me, or not romantically at least.

Although I've put distance and tried to 'get away' from this feeling, it's not possible. Whether I'm close to him or not, he's in my mind all the time and I am constantly thinking about him. Right now it's not fading. These feelings. S***.

 

[Elowyn]

Also: it might be a "friend-crush". Sometimes when we meet someone who is cool and interesting, we might confuse the feeling of "I want to spend time with them and get to know them better" with something romantic even when it is actually not.

Yep. Happens/ed to me before. But this is different, I believe.

 

[fleurdelys]

Elowyn I'm glad you have friends and family to support you! distancing yourself from someone you really care about is much easier said than done, for sure. I've gone through a similar experience to you, where I really liked a guy/couldn't stop thinking about him/felt like he was the 'missing piece' - but we had to just stay friends. it was hard but it is definitely possible to move past these feelings. try to focus on the other aspects of your life (friends, family, studying, faith, hobbies, literally anything else) as much as you can. I hope this doesn't come out harshly, but try not to idolize this guy too much either. I know that's tough, given the strength of your feelings, but thinking about how attracted you are to him, how it feels like he completes your life, etc. doesn't do much but feed the feelings you have. and above all it'll just take time.

also try not to worry about whether he is attracted to you or not. it's cliche, but just be yourself. it's important for someone to like you for who you are - and there are definitely lots of people out there who will. you'll also definitely find other people you'll feel passionately about. there's a whole world out there, and you've got your whole life to find someone who loves you as much as you love them.

 

[Elowyn]

fleurdelys Thank you sincerely from the bottom of my heart for saying those words of reason. I wouldn't want to drive myself crazy over a boy. I'm trying to pursue other hobbies I really like and look forward to and have that be an essential part of my life. At the same time, focusing on my studies and social life is also a priority.

Of course, I cannot expect any sort of perfection. My expectations are most likely waaaaay out of porportion compared to who he actually is... but I can't help fangirling about his beautiful voice and the structure of his build. I don't know what's gotten into my system. I just find him so appealing. For now just gonna focus on doing the best I can for me, respecting everyone else, and developing strength in my character. Strengthening my thought process and mind is also pretty important to get that mental fortitude I need. I understand there's a lot of people out there in the world, which means that it makes sense not to heap all my hopes on one male.

Admittedly, time is one thing I struggle with. Patience is so key!

Thanks for writing, and I wish you the best! (and also, would you like to be online friends...?)

 

[fleurdelys]

Elowyn no worries, I've been in your shoes and I think a lot of people have too. it's natural to gush about someone you're attracted to, and it's hard for a lot of people to just stop feeling/thinking/etc. that way. definitely takes some self-control and self-awareness, in addition to time ofc!

wishing you all the best too, romantic relationships, crushes, and all that can definitely be tough to work through, but you can do it~
and sure, always happy to have a new friend o/

 

[Sleek]

Personally, a friend-friend relationship is better than the life-partner thing.
If a friend hurts you, its easier to recover from
If your love hurts you, it can break you.

 

[Elowyn]

fleurdelys Yaaaaay~
Sleek Thanks for the tip!

 

[Leaf Fi]

Kyaa! I found myself here in you! Your post actually speaks to me, and I swear that I could have wrote it considering I'm somewhat in the same position and have been. Seeing as we are so similar (at least, from what I've read here ^///^; I think I might be able to help? Perhaps not, but I'll try and ease your nerves.

My first ever crush was... Well, the strongest I've ever felt for someone. I was completely infatuated, so much so that when I saw him, I would actually get so flustered, nervous, embarrassed and excited that I would run away before I could talk to him. I put him up so high in my high that I believed he was perfect, so right now I want to tell you to not do that! It made me completely distance myself from him, and unfortunately, nothing became of it, not even friendship. I believed I loved him with all my heart, and that isn't healthy. Don't be me and hide in a bathroom. It isn't fun.

Since then, I've grown and matured somewhat mentally, and what I do now is look at thing like my feelings objectively. I'm shy and very cautious with who I lower my guard around, so I find that looking at my friends helps me when I'm getting lovey dovey. I adore my internet friends with all my heart, and I know that my feelings towards them all are purely platonic. I might get an overwhelming feeling of love from time to time, but I always know it's in a 'neato! You're a great person, you make me happy and I wanna hug you!' way, not 'I wanna give you a smooch smooch forever and ever' way. While it may sound silly or like something you'd know, you'd be surprised how much a friend crush can feel like a genuine one! It's very possible to fall for your friends, but it's most gonna be in admiration or pride that you do. I've had this happen a few times to me in the past, and learning the balance is very good.

If you've confirmed it's a smooch smooch way in that you still get nervous or all happy with this person, then I say it is a crush. He said he wants to remain friends, yeah? Then stay that way for now, that's the best thing I can recommend. Don't worry though, if you want something to bloom, it very well might! Currently, I'm rekindling a friendship that was just randomly lost a few months ago, and I knew I had a slight smooch feeling for the guy.. He made me feel special, and I was scared. I didn't want to disappoint him, but now? By keeping the friend thing, I dunno... I think he's fallen for me. AND IT IS THE BEST FEELING, LET ME TELL Y O U. So! Feelings can develop very easily between two first time friends, and if it's something that is destined to happen, I believe it will! I'm not sure how it will show from this guy you like, but using my experience now, he's complimenting me a lot more and teasing me, so... Maybe if that picks up, go for the kill, I guess? ^^;;; Sorry, I'm not the best at this kinda thing >////< But if he makes you all jittery and special, stay with him. Even if it doesn't work out romantically, at least you'll get a killer friend! But I really do wish you the best of luck, sweetheart!

 

[Midnightchan123]

I know you guys want to remain friends for now, but, if someone else ever comes into the picture and you want to let them know, theres a few steps you should do

1: tell them within the first 7 months but after the first 3-4 months, if nothing happens after 9 months dont bother, try to be just friends which is easier said than done, but if you try after 9 months, it could be really awkward and weird, better to just stay friends at that point

2: the best thing you can do is do something meaningful to them, forget everything you heard in movies about love, like blaring music at them outside their home? or making a song to express your feelings? fastest way to get "I'd rather be friends" or never see them again, thats the kind of stuff you do after you have been dating for awhile (atleast a year) so, whats a good idea? lets say you know that person likes something cool, like pokemon, you could do some kind of craft and make them a pokeball or a plush if they like those, tickets to go see the latest pokemon movie, get them some cards etc or they might need something done, for example: after work I was exhausted and fell asleep, but I had to clean and instead of waking me up, my boyfriend went and organized my room so that the next time I had some free time I could clean it and it wouldnt take so much time! it ment a lot to me, so finding something that they need done and doing it for them would be your best bet, if you can't do either of those, make or buy them lunch, the saying that the way through a man's heart is through his stomach is so true

3: dont do dinner and a movie, so cliche and one of the worst first dates ever, you dont learn anything about each other and in the end, thats what the first date is about, try a museum or a zoo or something like that!

 

[SandraDeelightful]

I've never been in a relationship, but I would like to be. I'm a very shy person. When I was a Junior, I was in AP US History. There was a senior in that class who I had a crush on. There was another friend in there, who was also a senior and who was friends with the guy I had a crush on. He wanted to help us get together. And one day my friend say that I wanted to go on a date with him. He responded with "if she wants go out, she'll have to ask me herself." I was too scared to ask him. I really regret it.

 

[K.C]

Relationships can be scary, I'm not going to lie. They can either go super well or go super poorly. Just know, communication is literally everything. Express your emotions and fears and anxieties. Keeping them a secret won't ever help anything. A relationship should be open and loving, not secretive and painful.