Story Snippets

[DreamingofRoses]

Since I've been being a lazy idiot with my writing, I've decided I'll post snippets/scenes that I've written in hopes that actually getting it out there will kick my butt into writing more. Feel free to comment in-thread since each separate post will be a self-contained scene. Anything in italics that is not a part of a regular scene is author commentary.


"Greetings Nightmares and Dreams, Fears and Hopes. I am Iztali and I am King of this Realm by all rights."


"I stand as the Regent, and I swear on my own head that this is the rightful King by blood and skill," the glowing figure unfolded from the shining chair she had summoned, going to stand beside the tall, dark man.


"I thought you hated me," he faced the roiling cloud of dark-forms who were making their way to the foot of the stairs in flickers across the ornate landscape.


"I do. But I must abide by my role and what little passes for Law here. Two-hundred years do not disappear simply with an apology and righting what was done wrongly in the first place," the tall figure folded her arms over her chest. "Besides, what I could do to you cannot compare to what these guys will do to you if you fail. Or what they will do even if you do not. It is something I dearly wish to see."


"I see you have not finished yelling at him yet, Lady," a familiar dark-form with eyes with no eyelids, holes in its face instead of a nose and a wide, wide mouth atop its formless dark body twisted its head upside down to stare at them both.


The glowing figure gave the impression of smiling, which her sold facsimile beside her copied, and greeted the Nightmare with a nod, "Indeed I have not, but all things take place as they must." She turned to Iztali, whose form had become solid with the announcement of his name, and his figure larger and more imposing. Her arms unfolded and she reached out to him, grabbing his shoulders and pushing lightly down on them. The glowing mass of her dream-body floated upwards until her head was slightly above his, and she leaned forward to kiss him on the forehead, leaving a noticeable bright-mark in the shape of a circle there as a sign of her approval.


Before he could say or do anything she had flickered back to her sitting position atop the glowing throne, which now sat at the feet of a much larger and much less well-defined seat. Her solid facsimile flicked beside her once more, "Although, as I have said, he is the King by all rights." Iztali had become stiff, his attention focused on the now sitting glowing-figure instead of the Elder Ones before him.


"We shall see if his heart matches such a claim," the Nightmare hissed, its head snapping back upright. "Blood or not, if he is not fit to rule, he will not."


"I have confidence that he will survive, at least," her voice became distant and uninterested. "As much as I would like to see what you will put him through, I have business not of the Dreaming World to attend to. It might not be as important, but it must be done. She," she gestured to the inanimate homunculus. "Will keep a record."


"Do you seek to put more limits on us?" One of Dreams approached the not-solid steps to where Iztali and the golden figure were. "More of your 'laws'?"


"No, this is truly your business. You may do as you wish, for the testing," another smile-impression matched the excited chaos of the dark-forms at foot of the stairs.


Iztali finally managed to gather himself, although he felt the blessing on his forehead as an anchor and a weight. He scolwed at her as the scenery around them shifted back to flat plain, although the shining white Pillar remained firmly in place as did the floor and the steps attached to it. The light around her dimmed somewhat and her throne became one of clear glass with only the slightest glow from it. She and her facsimile turned to stare at him, a frown-impression and clear scowl visible for a moment before acquiescing and quieting herself to a simple blurry form of gold, face and impression smoothing. He turned his back to her and descended the stairs until he was at the bottom, where he knelt.


"Elder Ones," Iztali spoke, his voice now rolling thunder. "I am in your hands to prove myself worthy to you," behind him, the figure in gold dissipated, leaving only the homunculus who now blinked her eyes, glanced around at the figure and the King and then sat down where the golden figure had sat not a moment before.


"Very well," one of the Hopes latched onto his shoulder, while the rest of the dark-forms began to cover him. "It begins."

 

[Grey]

Iztali. I know that name; I used it as the name of the wise old man in a Guatemalan village. Good choice - based on what I can see here.


I think, to be honest, it feels a little rushed and the sentences are pretty clunky, in places. I'll pick out the specific examples in a wee bit, but for now I'm looking at it holistically.


The first line of dialogue falls flat, which is a shame, because it's not a bad one. It just needs either more build up, or there needs to be a far more pronounced reaction. The rest is a bit... too factual, perhaps? This seems like the kind of scene that would want to be rendered with some level of surreality or metaphor. It's difficult to articulate, much as it's hard to put my finger one why the dialogue as a whole doesn't feel quite right - too inconsistent between formal and informal, perhaps.


Narration is third-person omniscient, yes? In which case a bit more description of the location, the characters, might not be a bad idea.


That said, I am interested to see where this goes - I just think you can do better.

 

[DreamingofRoses]

Iztali. I know that name; I used it as the name of the wise old man in a Guatemalan village. Good choice - based on what I can see here.
I think, to be honest, it feels a little rushed and the sentences are pretty clunky, in places. I'll pick out the specific examples in a wee bit, but for now I'm looking at it holistically.


The first line of dialogue falls flat, which is a shame, because it's not a bad one. It just needs either more build up, or there needs to be a far more pronounced reaction. The rest is a bit... too factual, perhaps? This seems like the kind of scene that would want to be rendered with some level of surreality or metaphor. It's difficult to articulate, much as it's hard to put my finger one why the dialogue as a whole doesn't feel quite right - too inconsistent between formal and informal, perhaps.


Narration is third-person omniscient, yes? In which case a bit more description of the location, the characters, might not be a bad idea.


That said, I am interested to see where this goes - I just think you can do better.

Thanks for the feedback! This actually isn't a whole scene, and it's not the beginning for it either, which is why there is such a lack in description. I'm just a crappy writer who likes to work on different parts because they're the ones I'm interested in.


As for writing with metaphors... yeah, it fell flat here. Especially since the Dream World is supposed to be largely unconscious/symbolic. Any recommendations of something I can read that can get my brain in that dreamy state?

 

[Grey]

Literally anything by Haruki Murakami for dreamlike, and Ryu Murakami for nightmarish - though there's overlap. John Avjide Lindqvist has his moments, too - Let The Old Dreams Die comes to mind. Hrm, Neil Gaiman is also good, and also less subtle; that might be the kind of tone you want here, so if you haven't read American Gods or Neverwhere already, get on that.


I always found Farenheit 451 quite surreal, personally, and Johnny Mnemonic.