Avouleance
Studying to better see and share the beauty
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1olaIld6IFgH06wnzTKUO6MLoLTRPW7tGTiKj3JWi-XI/edit?usp=sharing
0
Tantallidy is surprised. There’s a memory, the most vibrant and vivid she has. So sweltering and suffocating you can’t tell the difference between being wrapped in blankets and the billowing black caustically choking cloud trying to claw it’s way down your throat. Eyes steaming instead of watering. While she stumbles towards as much of a voice as she can pick out between alarm blairs. She find the stairs by falling, suddenly shortly weightless, floating. Then distinctly not floating, she get’s to the bottom blackened and bruised, and she sees her family. At breakfast, bathed in blinding sunlight, smelling of perfumes that weren’t smoke.
“Morning Tanty.” Dad has pancakes. “Don’t worry nothing is burnt this time, I’m getting better as a cook.” While her father sits reading a paper, today’s headline ‘Everything is fine’. Aching a little from her fall and coughing up coal Tantallidy sits down, her voice vapourised in the heat leaving her more horse than most cavalry charges. “Did you sleep well darling?” Father asks not looking at her. The pancakes looked great until some soot from her hair falls onto them. Still she’s hungry enough that she’ll take a bite. But she doesn’t get that far.
Tantallidy is sure the memory was older than her by now. Like there isn’t anything horrible enough to not become habitual. That must be why they don’t let babies remember anything, so people don’t have to know what it’s like to be so sickly surprised by how your own body feels. She didn’t even really think it through. She’s just assumed the most terrifying thing would be waking up in the middle of a fire.
But now, she’s unfortunately so much more informed. Sleeping through a fire is worse. Still lying on her back, she sees what remains of walls reaching up to where a ceiling is no longer sealing her in, trying to escape too late. Whatever woke her, denying her pancakes she’d more than earned, isn’t anywhere to be seen. Her only clue is from the looks of things she’d fallen a few floors, judging by how many holes are above her.
But that only adds questions to a list growing exponentially. Still, any fan of The Tabbitha Robin Griffon Mysteries knew what to do. Look for a clue. It only now occurs to Tantallidy that the girl in those books, along with the books, had burned to death while both Tantallidy and her heroine slept, or whatever people do in book when they were closed. Presumably sleep considering how dark it would be in there.
Still, clues. What could Tanty see? Sky, surrounded by the skeleton of structural integrity and at a count about five floors worth of falling. A little patch of baby blue, impailed on the black barbs of the building and bared behind her hair, which is darker than she remembered. Surely there should be smoke or something, but then again, how longs she been asleep?
It was only in sitting up that she realises how red and raw her skin feels. Like everywhere is the edge of a nail she ignored the warning about not picking at. She’s mostly been blanketed in ash, the finest sheets, soon making it to the bottom of ‘Worst Things I’ve Inhaled or Exhaled’ in her mind, beating out raisins for both honors.
Funny, she looks so monochrome, like one of those movies dad tried to convince her and father were worth watching. Though they tended not to have bare breasts, for various reasons. Strange to be shy when there’s no one but you there. The trouble would be finding any fabric that made it out of the furnace. She kicks her feet free from a pool of cooling oils she guesses used to be her shoes. But she doesn’t feel like the sort of person who would sleep in shoes.
Eventually she figures standing is the sort of thing she should do, though her legs don’t end up where she expects and she needs a few attempts. Is she drunk? The headache and disorientation match but the idea lacks appeal so why would she have last night?
Coming approximately to her feet and senses simultaneously she thinks ‘But who would start a fire for me? Or whoever’s house this is?’ That she doesn’t know that would be worrying, but she’s more reassured that even carbonised the decoration was to neither of her parents taste or even “Call me mother dear”’s. She should call, but then she can’t find her phone.
There’s no fire brigade, she only just noticed, if anyone had come to put this out they have found her. Where the hell is she then? The rest of the room have very few remaining features. A howling wind from two thirds of a doorway and half a door reminds her exactly how naked she is. Huddling to herself for warmth, and then feeling like that was an inappropriate amount of touching.
“Hello?” She calls, might as well. No reply. Eventually she finds the balance between bracing wind and blushing embarrassment to move at an acceptable temperature. Water would also be good, to clean off this… everything. From what she sees of outside, mostly pines their tops stirring the sky up into a storm, water would be forthcoming from the firmament, soon which is no relief while she’s still waiting.
Tantallidy has the impression she’s been standing in one of the oldest houses around, one of those fancy places her parents though was a good idea for taking a small girl on holiday. Eventually they stopped bothering. Tanty actually likes it, looking back, reminded her of a time before fractional siblings she’d had no say in. Though part of her feels like giving it another go, but she draws the line at being anything beyond clinically civil with Hind.
There’s at least, a few extremities where a careful scavenger could find clothes. Not any that fit her body or this century but Tanty could complain when she was more comfortable. She learns a lot about herself through the fabric, using it to set the limits, separating herself from the rest of the wrong around her.
Sure enough it begins raining.
“Excuse me miss.” Tantallidy turns to see who said that. It’s a guy, not one she recognises, he continues. “And how are you doing this fine day miss?” He doesn’t seem to notice how wet it’s getting even though he isn’t wearing much.
“Okay I guess, aside from…”
“From?” Can he not smell the smoke, or infer fire.
“Nothing.” Tantallidy isn't up to saying what he isn’t seeing.
“Glad to hear you’re alright. Can’t say I recognise you, are you staying with the lady of this fine house? They say she’s selective with her guests so good for you.”
“Yes, I guess I’m her guest.” Her clear lack of confidence is lost on him.
“Is she about. I’ve not heard from her recently.”
“I don’t know…” Tantallidy looks back over the charred blackened brick bones behind her. Finding it frighteningly feasable someone could be in there, just like she’d just been.
“Well I’m sure wherever she is she’ll be having fun. Mind if I come in, I don’t think I caught your name, mine’s Lerronix.”
“I don’t think you did. But you can come in if you like.” Was in the right word? Come over makes more sense now.
Lerronix steps through the doorway, if you could call a doorway without a door anymore a doorway. “So what bring you here?”
What would make me sound plausibly person-ish Tantallidy wonders.
“I guess I just thought screw it. Adventure awaits.” Which doesn’t sound like her at all and she knows it, but luckily Lerronix doesn’t.
“Ah yes, I know the feeling well. Screw it, don’t be you, do something new. I hope you have a good time and that you get the kind of different you’re looking for.”
“Thanks.” Sure he’s as oblivious as he could possibly be but Tantallidy is still glad he said it.
He keeps talking “But I tend to find wherever I go, there’s still something in me I can come back to. Like I don’t have to worry about the weight of the world wearing me down, I’ll still be me. So don’t be worried about losing yourself.” Why would he say that, sitting there on a chair that was barely still there, leaning back. Like it was a casual thing to say, that she was stuck with herself. But Tantallidy doesn’t say anything about it, rather changing the topic.
“So how do you know the Lady of the house.”
“Oh, well we’re friends, when she’s free to see me. Which doesn’t happen all too often anymore. But if she ever was I would in a heartbeat. She’s just been busy with her work recently, I think. She doesn’t talk too much about it.”
“So what do you do without her?”
“Oh well I usually spend time with my friends in town, actually we’ll be meeting soon, I just swung by to check if she wanted to join us. Do you think she’ll be free?”
“Can’t imagine she’ll make it.” Is that really the right thing for Tantallidy to say? Either way it’s what she says, in the non-committal sort of way she’d presumably let down her own spurned lovers given half a chance.
“Well would you like to?”
“Sure why not?” Many reasons, all of which Tantallidy is ignoring for now.
I
Town turns out to be be rather run down, not that you’d notice from how Lerronix speaks of it. “Here we are.” How he’s distinguished their destination from any of the other identically dingy buildings is anyone’s guess. “It’s a small bar but honestly that just means cosy. I’m sure you’ll like the others, and if the lady likes you then I’m even more sure they will too.”
“Ok.”
They turns out to be the only person there “Lerronix, hey how’ve you been?” They speak from middle of the booth, in the center of all the stains, eating a blue and furry salad.
“Good thanks, Ostillic, yourself?”
“Pretty good, I tell you the food here gets better every time. Who's your friend Lerry?”
“Oh, we met at the manor.”
“Hi I’m…” Tantallidy is interupted by Ostillic before she could finish.
“One of these secret much cooler than us friends? And here was me thinking they weren’t real. But wait did you kidnap this lovely woman
while spying?”
“I don’t spy! We’re friends. Have been for ages.”
“And how long haven’t you been?”
“Now come on I don’t need this.”
“Apologize dear, I’m Ostillic and I’m sure you’re lovely. But Lerry isn’t exactly the most able to let reality sink in.” And odd time for understatement Tantallidy thinks. “See and I’m sure you noticed, our mutual and aggressively absent friend, tends to be a bit hard to reach, and not the most commutative. The sort of let someone down ‘easy’ by secretly hoping either she or he die.”
“Ostill, shut up. She doesn’t need to hear this.” Lerronix stands up, slamming his hands onto the table but not being sure what to do next, so he storms out. Leaving Tantallidy with this stranger.
“I’m sorry dear.” Not what she wants to hear. “He’s not a bad guy, but well…”...“Can’t say I know where he’ll go or why he thinks that’s accomplishing anything. But we’re meeting again tonight, if you want to stay for that. They’ll be some other people there too. I can get you food if you like. Long as the guy serving can break a 32 note.”
“Oh no, I’m not hungry.” Seeing the septic nature of Ostillic’s food Tantallidy really isn’t. However long it has been since she ate. “You think he’ll be better later.” Was all she can think to say.
“Can’t say I see this going away just like that, that’s not how things work.”
“Are you guys even friends?”
“Hell yeah, what gave you the impression we weren’t?” Tantallidy can’t even try figuring that out what Ostillic meant. No one has made sense since she burnt up.
“Is he really stalking her?”
“Well you see, no one's heard from her other than the odd note saying why she can’t come. Or how great it would be to meet up next month. Really I can’t tell who's being awful to the other, but I think it’s hurting him. Look, sorry to dump a stranger into all this. Can’t imagine why you’d want this to be your problem.”
Tantallidy agrees with that at least, then again. “Tell me about her, what was she like before.”
“Before, well she was you know, normal, in a nice sort of way. Smart too, like she did so much. But I guess eventually all her accomplishing mattered more than hanging out with us, especially Lerry. It’s funny, even when she barely sees the sun I’m sure she’s doing so much more. Like she just had that drive. The sort of personality dynamite that blows through mountains instead of letting them get in the way. It makes me sick she’ll be successful and we just won’t.”
“Is there someone else I could talk to about her?”
“Why’d you want to know anyway? Lerry said you knew her anyway, so wouldn’t you know this already.”
“Well not exactly.”
“Then who are you?”
“If I knew I’d tell you. Honestly.”
“Sure, well just go. If you care so much talk to someone who still wants to be involved with all this.” Tantallidy takes the advice.
Stepping out onto the street she’s not exactly sure where to go next, the debris being quite disorienting and flickering streetlight that would have been less sinister if they just stayed off.
“Hey.” A woman sits by the street, calling Tantallidy over. “You weren’t with Lerry were you?” She wears a tattered dress, how it stays intact when so torn is beyond Tantallidy. It doesn’t help that her dress also clashes with the black spiderweb of her gloves and eye patch.
“I was.”
“Any idea where he was going?”
Tantallidy answered honestly. “No, none.”
“Ah, well I’m sure I’ll see him again later. I’m Kyntharyn, what’s your story.”
“A work in progress.”
“Quite right. You look like you could do with a drink.” Kyntharyn is smart enough not to suggest the bar Tantallidy was just in. “How does juice sound?”
“Good.”
It ain't! A rancid kind of sour, Tantallidy coughs up the cup offered to her, spitting it out onto the street. “Easy there, now that’s hardly polite.”
“Sorry.”
“It’s okay, no worries.”
“So you know Lerronix and Ostillic?”
“Yeah, tangentially, I mean they’re my girlfriends friends more than mine. But she’s not by girlfriend anymore so I don’t really know what they are.”
“But you still see them?”
“I’d rather not be alone right now.”
“Well you don’t have to be.” Tantallidy can’t see why Kynth would be dumped, she’s the one thing around that didn’t look broken.
“Thanks, you’re sweet.”
“Mind if I ask how it ended?”
“Is curiousity the price of your company?”
“Yes.” Tantallidy didn’t negotiate much but this isn’t a bad attempt for her.
II
“When we first met, it’s hard to describe, I mean I guess I thought I’d die not far from this town, I’d do what everyone I know had always done. But she was different, like she just lit me up. I could see further and felt like she’d fly me away someday. She was just brilliant.”
“She sounds wonderful.”
“Yeah for a while. But burning at both ends is just a polite way to say burning up. Like I got the feeling everything she did, even fucking me, it was to prove a point, to be bigger than she was. Like I once saw her try and punch out a guy who tried to hit on me when we were together, not that she’s violent exactly, I don’t think so but just she needed to just tear into him. To prove herself. You know what’s terrifying, watching someone you used to love look at you like you’re lying because they just can’t see anything in your compliments.” Kyntharyn dabs at her unpatched eye.
Not having any idea what to say wouldn’t stop Tantallidy trying. “I’m sorry. Are you ok?”
“See for yourself.” She takes off a glove, the hand below it mostly still there but badly burnt. “Didn’t exactly get out fast enough. I watched her, just ignite, I can’t even remember what was said. Like the audio from that evening has just been deleted from my mind. I can’t piece together my own motivations much less hers. I tried to hold on to her. Keep her close to the ground, incase she started slipping up or down. But eventually I just couldn’t. And now she’s, she’s not.”
This is not a conversation Tantallidy wanted to have, not one she’d anticipated. But she has to start somewhere, has to finally address the elephant that followed her between rooms.
“I woke up, in her house, but it was burnt down. I don’t know why or what happened. But I survived, and I don’t know what happened before, I just remember the dream I had. It’s a dream I’ve been having forever.”
“The one where your house is burning down and neither of your dads seem to notice? You told me about that on our first night together. Told me it was a sign you saw things other people didn’t that you needed to do what you did because everyone else was too dumb to!” Kyntharyn starts sounding noticeably pissed off now.
“You think she was me? That’s who I am. But I’d never say something that insensitive, I’m not smarter than anyone I know. I don’t think that’s what the dream means at all.”
“Save it for someone else.”
“Wait please.”
“What?”
“I don’t remember any of this, I don’t know you.”
“Then we’re mutually neither of our problems. So go.”
“No. You knew her, me I mean. I don’t think I can get any less disoriented without some outside help. I don’t want to keep getting worse.”
“Fucking fine, but you owe me an explanation. We’re figuring out why any of this happened, and if the answer is either of you being an asshole then I’m out.”
“I understand.”
“Dear you don’t. But thanks for trying to. We shouldn’t do this in public. Come back to mine.”
Hers turns out to be an old apartment, nestled between cheap shops and more opulent options. On the wall of the one room that isn’t a toilet is a poster for a band that looked just awfully cliche. “Prolapse of the Horizon? Really?” Tantallidy just has to ask.
“Don’t recognise yourself on guitar then? But yes, I’ve been telling you the name was terrible since we met. And the music wasn’t much better. But honestly enthusiasm is just an aphrodisiac for me. And you were nothing if not dedicated when it came to learning to make a fool of yourself.”
“How could I have cared so much about it?”
“I don’t know.”
“You haven’t taken the poster down.”
“No I’ve not but I should soon.”
“So.”
“So…, now we’ve done walking to my place what do we actually do you mean?”
“Yes, that so.”
“Well forgive me if I can’t think of what I’m supposed to be saying. Not often you find out your ex is a phoenix. Did you know before now?”
“Not that I remember, damn, I must have though I was dying. Did it look painful?”
“Looking at it sure was painful.” Kyntharyn tapps her eye patch to make the point.
There’s a silence, sustained until said simultaneously “But we’re both back now.”
Tantallidy continues. “I’m sorry you got burnt.”
Kyntharyn cuts in “Just why did you do it? You were perfect, prolapse notwithstanding. You were smarter than being sad weren’t you?”
“Looks like I wasn’t. Looks like I’m not. Maybe I did know, and I just wanted to be anyone else.”
“Well your body sure is, you got one thing right, you look so much better.”
“I can’t believe I’m asking but, are they bigger or smaller.”
“Ha, good question, but I’m not telling. No offence but I don’t want to discuss my ex’s breasts with a stranger.”
“Stranger?”
“The strangest.”
“Is that really how I used to look.” Tantallidy is focused on the tattered poster, her not very well drawn face looking too serious for her own good. “Can I still be myself if my face and race can just be replaced like that?”
“Look, sure I might have said certain ethnicities are a kink of mine, but that was just dumb. I didn’t mean anything.”
“You said that?”
“Oh come on, a successful older woman, shows an interest, you want to sound like a good a fit as possible.”
“Older?”
“Before you were reborn at least. Happy new birthday.”
“When was my other one?”
“Septober 44th. Actually that’s what I drew the poster for. Do you like my art?”
“Yes.”
“We should really get to work. Maybe your parents know something?”
“How would I even have that conversation? We haven’t exactly spoken in ages either.”
“Ah yes, sorry. But I remember you saying they were good people.”
“Emphasis on the were, together they were the best, but appart I don’t think father knows how to be anyone’s parent and dad sure knows how to be anyone’s but mine. God I can’t be this screwed up in front of Hind either, she’s…”
“Like being full of bees?”
“I said that?”
“Are you suprised?”
“Not in the least. Apart from how apparently I used to be eloquent, beside band names.”
“You’ll have to call home sometime?”
“Can’t literally anyone else?”
“I don’t think so no.”
Tantallidy falls back, onto a moth eaten and melting mattress that Kyntharyn called a bed. “She must be so smug, she gets to be gone and leave me to have to talk to everyone, to make up for her mess. You know that feeling, like you’re going to be sick?”
“The bathroom is just through there if you need to throw up.”
“Considering anything I ate would have been evaporated instead of excreted I can’t imagine there’s anything in me even the most powerful emetic could dredge up. Anyway I’ve been feeling this way all day, I think it’s just how stomach turning having your stomach turning into someone else’s. Like maybe eventually I won’t feel this way, but it’s not a problem I can pump out of me. I just have to wait to get better beyond my control.”
“I think you will, you were strong.”
“So strong I blew myself apart?”
“So strong that it took you so long to, so strong that no one saw it coming. You survived.”
“Past being the operative tense.”
“You’re surviving, even regrew a new you.”
“You think I knew? I’d be burning you or that I’d come out the other end.”
“I don’t think I really knew anything about you, there ain't an orifice you can look into that’ll give you a clear view of the brain. You were an enigma, and that used to be such a turn on for me.”
“Do you hate me?”
“Do I hate what happened? Yes. Hate who did this to me, so much. Hate myself for letting it, always. But you, a woman I don’t even recognise, because someone who might not even be in you anymore was too sad to stay themselves. How should I know?”
“I should go.”
“No. wait. I think you need to call home.” Kyntharyn holds out her mobile, an artificial bubble gum sort of pink, flipped open with the rotary dial ready.
“Why?”
“Because people might surprise you, that goes both ways, they can be better than you expect and they can just disappear, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try being close. You should give you dad a call, he might surprise you.”
“Ok.” Tantallidy takes the phone. The ringing keeps going way too long.
“Hello.”
“Who is this?”
“Oh, Hind.”
“Tanty? You sound different, is something wrong? We were worried we’ve not heard from you in a while.”
“We?”
“Yes. Me and your dad, please can we not have this fight?”
“Can I speak to dad please?”
“No not at the moment, he’s out with your brothers.” Tantallidy would point out that she only had one brother but thought ½ + ½ = 1 might be math beyond what Hind was ready for. “What was it you wanted to tell him?” How the hell was she supposed to say this, does Hind not know this was important.
“Wait, fine I’ll talk to you. There’s something I need to ask. How did you make him happy? He wasn’t, I don’t remember him being like this before you came along? How did you change him?” There’s silence followed by a sigh.
“Tandy. Listen. If I could change people I wouldn’t have picked your dad. What he and your father had, it was beautiful, just look at what it made of you. You’re their crowning achievement. But you’re so stable so you outlived their love. If I could change anyone, I’d want to be more like you. Why would I ever want to be me? Cause it fucking sucks being the sort of person who has to chose between tearing two of my best friends apart or just being a hollow husk waiting for a human to wear me.
I know I made the wrong choice, but I would have either way and if it’s going to be longing or guilt that guts me every night awake or asleep I’m picking the one where there’s at least someone I can cling to. I hope that’s an explanation even if it’s no excuse.I get it, I get why you hate me. Asking you to call me mother dear was wrong. I just, I just want what he did for you for myself. He already made you a complete, healthy not totally fucked up person, can I please have a turn. Cause that’s what’s the worst, people don’t change. I don’t even get to be really guilty about you cause I know neither of us could make you any less cool, any less totally on top of things if we tried. The same way I don’t get better. People don’t change, but I had to do what I did in the hope people could change me.” *Click*
Tantallidy snaps the phone shut. Kyntharyn asks “What did she say?”
“Nothing I needed to hear.”
“I’m sorry I suggested it.”
“Doesn’t matter. Maybe we were wrong, cause listening to all that, I suddenly remembered all the mutual awfulness between us, but it wasn’t horror I felt at home in it. I can hardly be different if all I can do is hate her, not even hear what she’s saying after a while.” Bees were an understatement. “I don’t think I’m any different. I’m still the same empty person in the same meaningless place.”
“Hey no! There’s nothing wrong with this place?”
“Haven’t you see it it’s just the worst?”
“That’s what you always used to tell me, I remember, sitting here you told me how much better we could be elsewhere, how you’d free me. But maybe you just couldn’t see how it was actually entirely an alright place. You always acted like everyone else was oblivious to the problems but maybe the reverse is true for you.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Maybe that’s why you wanted to be someone else. I wish it had worked.”
“Fuck you, and me to.” Tantallidy feels warm, more so than she’s been since she’d been burning. “Second time's the charm then.” The first sparks spreading it would soon start all over, and it wouldn’t be Tantallidy’s problem anymore. Until she was splashed with a bucked of ice cold water.
“No, you don’t get to burn my home again, if you’re going to do this then get out.”
III
Tantallidy leaves to find herself on the street along with her thoughts. The water not allowing her to catch light again. Fuming only on the inside. She’d been so close, only to be forced back down and damp. Would she really have done it, twice in one day, is that who she is now? Wouldn’t she rather be literally anyone else, someone who could end a conversation without a fight, who could talk to Hind. Who knew what to tell her parents. Wait, would she really have killed Kyntharyn? No, well wasn’t she going to? Did she expect Kyntharyn to run away. But where to, and there’d be people next door, there’d be gas too. But Tantallidy hadn’t thought had she. No.
But wait, all this worry, is for other people, not herself. Couldn’t she be so stable without them? If that arse from earlier hadn’t crashed into her life she’d not even have needed to know the truth. But even then the truth is just other people’s opinions. Why get upset about them, or their expectations, it just made things messy, it always did. No need to burn up about it. That is how she could be significantly different, the clarity of apathy. Total stability was right there, just a case of being cold enough.
Tantallidy is surprised. There’s a memory, the most vibrant and vivid she has. So sweltering and suffocating you can’t tell the difference between being wrapped in blankets and the billowing black caustically choking cloud trying to claw it’s way down your throat. Eyes steaming instead of watering. While she stumbles towards as much of a voice as she can pick out between alarm blairs. She find the stairs by falling, suddenly shortly weightless, floating. Then distinctly not floating, she get’s to the bottom blackened and bruised, and she sees her family. At breakfast, bathed in blinding sunlight, smelling of perfumes that weren’t smoke.
“Morning Tanty.” Dad has pancakes. “Don’t worry nothing is burnt this time, I’m getting better as a cook.” While her father sits reading a paper, today’s headline ‘Everything is fine’. Aching a little from her fall and coughing up coal Tantallidy sits down, her voice vapourised in the heat leaving her more horse than most cavalry charges. “Did you sleep well darling?” Father asks not looking at her. The pancakes looked great until some soot from her hair falls onto them. Still she’s hungry enough that she’ll take a bite. But she doesn’t get that far.
Tantallidy is sure the memory was older than her by now. Like there isn’t anything horrible enough to not become habitual. That must be why they don’t let babies remember anything, so people don’t have to know what it’s like to be so sickly surprised by how your own body feels. She didn’t even really think it through. She’s just assumed the most terrifying thing would be waking up in the middle of a fire.
But now, she’s unfortunately so much more informed. Sleeping through a fire is worse. Still lying on her back, she sees what remains of walls reaching up to where a ceiling is no longer sealing her in, trying to escape too late. Whatever woke her, denying her pancakes she’d more than earned, isn’t anywhere to be seen. Her only clue is from the looks of things she’d fallen a few floors, judging by how many holes are above her.
But that only adds questions to a list growing exponentially. Still, any fan of The Tabbitha Robin Griffon Mysteries knew what to do. Look for a clue. It only now occurs to Tantallidy that the girl in those books, along with the books, had burned to death while both Tantallidy and her heroine slept, or whatever people do in book when they were closed. Presumably sleep considering how dark it would be in there.
Still, clues. What could Tanty see? Sky, surrounded by the skeleton of structural integrity and at a count about five floors worth of falling. A little patch of baby blue, impailed on the black barbs of the building and bared behind her hair, which is darker than she remembered. Surely there should be smoke or something, but then again, how longs she been asleep?
It was only in sitting up that she realises how red and raw her skin feels. Like everywhere is the edge of a nail she ignored the warning about not picking at. She’s mostly been blanketed in ash, the finest sheets, soon making it to the bottom of ‘Worst Things I’ve Inhaled or Exhaled’ in her mind, beating out raisins for both honors.
Funny, she looks so monochrome, like one of those movies dad tried to convince her and father were worth watching. Though they tended not to have bare breasts, for various reasons. Strange to be shy when there’s no one but you there. The trouble would be finding any fabric that made it out of the furnace. She kicks her feet free from a pool of cooling oils she guesses used to be her shoes. But she doesn’t feel like the sort of person who would sleep in shoes.
Eventually she figures standing is the sort of thing she should do, though her legs don’t end up where she expects and she needs a few attempts. Is she drunk? The headache and disorientation match but the idea lacks appeal so why would she have last night?
Coming approximately to her feet and senses simultaneously she thinks ‘But who would start a fire for me? Or whoever’s house this is?’ That she doesn’t know that would be worrying, but she’s more reassured that even carbonised the decoration was to neither of her parents taste or even “Call me mother dear”’s. She should call, but then she can’t find her phone.
There’s no fire brigade, she only just noticed, if anyone had come to put this out they have found her. Where the hell is she then? The rest of the room have very few remaining features. A howling wind from two thirds of a doorway and half a door reminds her exactly how naked she is. Huddling to herself for warmth, and then feeling like that was an inappropriate amount of touching.
“Hello?” She calls, might as well. No reply. Eventually she finds the balance between bracing wind and blushing embarrassment to move at an acceptable temperature. Water would also be good, to clean off this… everything. From what she sees of outside, mostly pines their tops stirring the sky up into a storm, water would be forthcoming from the firmament, soon which is no relief while she’s still waiting.
Tantallidy has the impression she’s been standing in one of the oldest houses around, one of those fancy places her parents though was a good idea for taking a small girl on holiday. Eventually they stopped bothering. Tanty actually likes it, looking back, reminded her of a time before fractional siblings she’d had no say in. Though part of her feels like giving it another go, but she draws the line at being anything beyond clinically civil with Hind.
There’s at least, a few extremities where a careful scavenger could find clothes. Not any that fit her body or this century but Tanty could complain when she was more comfortable. She learns a lot about herself through the fabric, using it to set the limits, separating herself from the rest of the wrong around her.
Sure enough it begins raining.
“Excuse me miss.” Tantallidy turns to see who said that. It’s a guy, not one she recognises, he continues. “And how are you doing this fine day miss?” He doesn’t seem to notice how wet it’s getting even though he isn’t wearing much.
“Okay I guess, aside from…”
“From?” Can he not smell the smoke, or infer fire.
“Nothing.” Tantallidy isn't up to saying what he isn’t seeing.
“Glad to hear you’re alright. Can’t say I recognise you, are you staying with the lady of this fine house? They say she’s selective with her guests so good for you.”
“Yes, I guess I’m her guest.” Her clear lack of confidence is lost on him.
“Is she about. I’ve not heard from her recently.”
“I don’t know…” Tantallidy looks back over the charred blackened brick bones behind her. Finding it frighteningly feasable someone could be in there, just like she’d just been.
“Well I’m sure wherever she is she’ll be having fun. Mind if I come in, I don’t think I caught your name, mine’s Lerronix.”
“I don’t think you did. But you can come in if you like.” Was in the right word? Come over makes more sense now.
Lerronix steps through the doorway, if you could call a doorway without a door anymore a doorway. “So what bring you here?”
What would make me sound plausibly person-ish Tantallidy wonders.
“I guess I just thought screw it. Adventure awaits.” Which doesn’t sound like her at all and she knows it, but luckily Lerronix doesn’t.
“Ah yes, I know the feeling well. Screw it, don’t be you, do something new. I hope you have a good time and that you get the kind of different you’re looking for.”
“Thanks.” Sure he’s as oblivious as he could possibly be but Tantallidy is still glad he said it.
He keeps talking “But I tend to find wherever I go, there’s still something in me I can come back to. Like I don’t have to worry about the weight of the world wearing me down, I’ll still be me. So don’t be worried about losing yourself.” Why would he say that, sitting there on a chair that was barely still there, leaning back. Like it was a casual thing to say, that she was stuck with herself. But Tantallidy doesn’t say anything about it, rather changing the topic.
“So how do you know the Lady of the house.”
“Oh, well we’re friends, when she’s free to see me. Which doesn’t happen all too often anymore. But if she ever was I would in a heartbeat. She’s just been busy with her work recently, I think. She doesn’t talk too much about it.”
“So what do you do without her?”
“Oh well I usually spend time with my friends in town, actually we’ll be meeting soon, I just swung by to check if she wanted to join us. Do you think she’ll be free?”
“Can’t imagine she’ll make it.” Is that really the right thing for Tantallidy to say? Either way it’s what she says, in the non-committal sort of way she’d presumably let down her own spurned lovers given half a chance.
“Well would you like to?”
“Sure why not?” Many reasons, all of which Tantallidy is ignoring for now.
I
Town turns out to be be rather run down, not that you’d notice from how Lerronix speaks of it. “Here we are.” How he’s distinguished their destination from any of the other identically dingy buildings is anyone’s guess. “It’s a small bar but honestly that just means cosy. I’m sure you’ll like the others, and if the lady likes you then I’m even more sure they will too.”
“Ok.”
They turns out to be the only person there “Lerronix, hey how’ve you been?” They speak from middle of the booth, in the center of all the stains, eating a blue and furry salad.
“Good thanks, Ostillic, yourself?”
“Pretty good, I tell you the food here gets better every time. Who's your friend Lerry?”
“Oh, we met at the manor.”
“Hi I’m…” Tantallidy is interupted by Ostillic before she could finish.
“One of these secret much cooler than us friends? And here was me thinking they weren’t real. But wait did you kidnap this lovely woman
while spying?”
“I don’t spy! We’re friends. Have been for ages.”
“And how long haven’t you been?”
“Now come on I don’t need this.”
“Apologize dear, I’m Ostillic and I’m sure you’re lovely. But Lerry isn’t exactly the most able to let reality sink in.” And odd time for understatement Tantallidy thinks. “See and I’m sure you noticed, our mutual and aggressively absent friend, tends to be a bit hard to reach, and not the most commutative. The sort of let someone down ‘easy’ by secretly hoping either she or he die.”
“Ostill, shut up. She doesn’t need to hear this.” Lerronix stands up, slamming his hands onto the table but not being sure what to do next, so he storms out. Leaving Tantallidy with this stranger.
“I’m sorry dear.” Not what she wants to hear. “He’s not a bad guy, but well…”...“Can’t say I know where he’ll go or why he thinks that’s accomplishing anything. But we’re meeting again tonight, if you want to stay for that. They’ll be some other people there too. I can get you food if you like. Long as the guy serving can break a 32 note.”
“Oh no, I’m not hungry.” Seeing the septic nature of Ostillic’s food Tantallidy really isn’t. However long it has been since she ate. “You think he’ll be better later.” Was all she can think to say.
“Can’t say I see this going away just like that, that’s not how things work.”
“Are you guys even friends?”
“Hell yeah, what gave you the impression we weren’t?” Tantallidy can’t even try figuring that out what Ostillic meant. No one has made sense since she burnt up.
“Is he really stalking her?”
“Well you see, no one's heard from her other than the odd note saying why she can’t come. Or how great it would be to meet up next month. Really I can’t tell who's being awful to the other, but I think it’s hurting him. Look, sorry to dump a stranger into all this. Can’t imagine why you’d want this to be your problem.”
Tantallidy agrees with that at least, then again. “Tell me about her, what was she like before.”
“Before, well she was you know, normal, in a nice sort of way. Smart too, like she did so much. But I guess eventually all her accomplishing mattered more than hanging out with us, especially Lerry. It’s funny, even when she barely sees the sun I’m sure she’s doing so much more. Like she just had that drive. The sort of personality dynamite that blows through mountains instead of letting them get in the way. It makes me sick she’ll be successful and we just won’t.”
“Is there someone else I could talk to about her?”
“Why’d you want to know anyway? Lerry said you knew her anyway, so wouldn’t you know this already.”
“Well not exactly.”
“Then who are you?”
“If I knew I’d tell you. Honestly.”
“Sure, well just go. If you care so much talk to someone who still wants to be involved with all this.” Tantallidy takes the advice.
Stepping out onto the street she’s not exactly sure where to go next, the debris being quite disorienting and flickering streetlight that would have been less sinister if they just stayed off.
“Hey.” A woman sits by the street, calling Tantallidy over. “You weren’t with Lerry were you?” She wears a tattered dress, how it stays intact when so torn is beyond Tantallidy. It doesn’t help that her dress also clashes with the black spiderweb of her gloves and eye patch.
“I was.”
“Any idea where he was going?”
Tantallidy answered honestly. “No, none.”
“Ah, well I’m sure I’ll see him again later. I’m Kyntharyn, what’s your story.”
“A work in progress.”
“Quite right. You look like you could do with a drink.” Kyntharyn is smart enough not to suggest the bar Tantallidy was just in. “How does juice sound?”
“Good.”
It ain't! A rancid kind of sour, Tantallidy coughs up the cup offered to her, spitting it out onto the street. “Easy there, now that’s hardly polite.”
“Sorry.”
“It’s okay, no worries.”
“So you know Lerronix and Ostillic?”
“Yeah, tangentially, I mean they’re my girlfriends friends more than mine. But she’s not by girlfriend anymore so I don’t really know what they are.”
“But you still see them?”
“I’d rather not be alone right now.”
“Well you don’t have to be.” Tantallidy can’t see why Kynth would be dumped, she’s the one thing around that didn’t look broken.
“Thanks, you’re sweet.”
“Mind if I ask how it ended?”
“Is curiousity the price of your company?”
“Yes.” Tantallidy didn’t negotiate much but this isn’t a bad attempt for her.
II
“When we first met, it’s hard to describe, I mean I guess I thought I’d die not far from this town, I’d do what everyone I know had always done. But she was different, like she just lit me up. I could see further and felt like she’d fly me away someday. She was just brilliant.”
“She sounds wonderful.”
“Yeah for a while. But burning at both ends is just a polite way to say burning up. Like I got the feeling everything she did, even fucking me, it was to prove a point, to be bigger than she was. Like I once saw her try and punch out a guy who tried to hit on me when we were together, not that she’s violent exactly, I don’t think so but just she needed to just tear into him. To prove herself. You know what’s terrifying, watching someone you used to love look at you like you’re lying because they just can’t see anything in your compliments.” Kyntharyn dabs at her unpatched eye.
Not having any idea what to say wouldn’t stop Tantallidy trying. “I’m sorry. Are you ok?”
“See for yourself.” She takes off a glove, the hand below it mostly still there but badly burnt. “Didn’t exactly get out fast enough. I watched her, just ignite, I can’t even remember what was said. Like the audio from that evening has just been deleted from my mind. I can’t piece together my own motivations much less hers. I tried to hold on to her. Keep her close to the ground, incase she started slipping up or down. But eventually I just couldn’t. And now she’s, she’s not.”
This is not a conversation Tantallidy wanted to have, not one she’d anticipated. But she has to start somewhere, has to finally address the elephant that followed her between rooms.
“I woke up, in her house, but it was burnt down. I don’t know why or what happened. But I survived, and I don’t know what happened before, I just remember the dream I had. It’s a dream I’ve been having forever.”
“The one where your house is burning down and neither of your dads seem to notice? You told me about that on our first night together. Told me it was a sign you saw things other people didn’t that you needed to do what you did because everyone else was too dumb to!” Kyntharyn starts sounding noticeably pissed off now.
“You think she was me? That’s who I am. But I’d never say something that insensitive, I’m not smarter than anyone I know. I don’t think that’s what the dream means at all.”
“Save it for someone else.”
“Wait please.”
“What?”
“I don’t remember any of this, I don’t know you.”
“Then we’re mutually neither of our problems. So go.”
“No. You knew her, me I mean. I don’t think I can get any less disoriented without some outside help. I don’t want to keep getting worse.”
“Fucking fine, but you owe me an explanation. We’re figuring out why any of this happened, and if the answer is either of you being an asshole then I’m out.”
“I understand.”
“Dear you don’t. But thanks for trying to. We shouldn’t do this in public. Come back to mine.”
Hers turns out to be an old apartment, nestled between cheap shops and more opulent options. On the wall of the one room that isn’t a toilet is a poster for a band that looked just awfully cliche. “Prolapse of the Horizon? Really?” Tantallidy just has to ask.
“Don’t recognise yourself on guitar then? But yes, I’ve been telling you the name was terrible since we met. And the music wasn’t much better. But honestly enthusiasm is just an aphrodisiac for me. And you were nothing if not dedicated when it came to learning to make a fool of yourself.”
“How could I have cared so much about it?”
“I don’t know.”
“You haven’t taken the poster down.”
“No I’ve not but I should soon.”
“So.”
“So…, now we’ve done walking to my place what do we actually do you mean?”
“Yes, that so.”
“Well forgive me if I can’t think of what I’m supposed to be saying. Not often you find out your ex is a phoenix. Did you know before now?”
“Not that I remember, damn, I must have though I was dying. Did it look painful?”
“Looking at it sure was painful.” Kyntharyn tapps her eye patch to make the point.
There’s a silence, sustained until said simultaneously “But we’re both back now.”
Tantallidy continues. “I’m sorry you got burnt.”
Kyntharyn cuts in “Just why did you do it? You were perfect, prolapse notwithstanding. You were smarter than being sad weren’t you?”
“Looks like I wasn’t. Looks like I’m not. Maybe I did know, and I just wanted to be anyone else.”
“Well your body sure is, you got one thing right, you look so much better.”
“I can’t believe I’m asking but, are they bigger or smaller.”
“Ha, good question, but I’m not telling. No offence but I don’t want to discuss my ex’s breasts with a stranger.”
“Stranger?”
“The strangest.”
“Is that really how I used to look.” Tantallidy is focused on the tattered poster, her not very well drawn face looking too serious for her own good. “Can I still be myself if my face and race can just be replaced like that?”
“Look, sure I might have said certain ethnicities are a kink of mine, but that was just dumb. I didn’t mean anything.”
“You said that?”
“Oh come on, a successful older woman, shows an interest, you want to sound like a good a fit as possible.”
“Older?”
“Before you were reborn at least. Happy new birthday.”
“When was my other one?”
“Septober 44th. Actually that’s what I drew the poster for. Do you like my art?”
“Yes.”
“We should really get to work. Maybe your parents know something?”
“How would I even have that conversation? We haven’t exactly spoken in ages either.”
“Ah yes, sorry. But I remember you saying they were good people.”
“Emphasis on the were, together they were the best, but appart I don’t think father knows how to be anyone’s parent and dad sure knows how to be anyone’s but mine. God I can’t be this screwed up in front of Hind either, she’s…”
“Like being full of bees?”
“I said that?”
“Are you suprised?”
“Not in the least. Apart from how apparently I used to be eloquent, beside band names.”
“You’ll have to call home sometime?”
“Can’t literally anyone else?”
“I don’t think so no.”
Tantallidy falls back, onto a moth eaten and melting mattress that Kyntharyn called a bed. “She must be so smug, she gets to be gone and leave me to have to talk to everyone, to make up for her mess. You know that feeling, like you’re going to be sick?”
“The bathroom is just through there if you need to throw up.”
“Considering anything I ate would have been evaporated instead of excreted I can’t imagine there’s anything in me even the most powerful emetic could dredge up. Anyway I’ve been feeling this way all day, I think it’s just how stomach turning having your stomach turning into someone else’s. Like maybe eventually I won’t feel this way, but it’s not a problem I can pump out of me. I just have to wait to get better beyond my control.”
“I think you will, you were strong.”
“So strong I blew myself apart?”
“So strong that it took you so long to, so strong that no one saw it coming. You survived.”
“Past being the operative tense.”
“You’re surviving, even regrew a new you.”
“You think I knew? I’d be burning you or that I’d come out the other end.”
“I don’t think I really knew anything about you, there ain't an orifice you can look into that’ll give you a clear view of the brain. You were an enigma, and that used to be such a turn on for me.”
“Do you hate me?”
“Do I hate what happened? Yes. Hate who did this to me, so much. Hate myself for letting it, always. But you, a woman I don’t even recognise, because someone who might not even be in you anymore was too sad to stay themselves. How should I know?”
“I should go.”
“No. wait. I think you need to call home.” Kyntharyn holds out her mobile, an artificial bubble gum sort of pink, flipped open with the rotary dial ready.
“Why?”
“Because people might surprise you, that goes both ways, they can be better than you expect and they can just disappear, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try being close. You should give you dad a call, he might surprise you.”
“Ok.” Tantallidy takes the phone. The ringing keeps going way too long.
“Hello.”
“Who is this?”
“Oh, Hind.”
“Tanty? You sound different, is something wrong? We were worried we’ve not heard from you in a while.”
“We?”
“Yes. Me and your dad, please can we not have this fight?”
“Can I speak to dad please?”
“No not at the moment, he’s out with your brothers.” Tantallidy would point out that she only had one brother but thought ½ + ½ = 1 might be math beyond what Hind was ready for. “What was it you wanted to tell him?” How the hell was she supposed to say this, does Hind not know this was important.
“Wait, fine I’ll talk to you. There’s something I need to ask. How did you make him happy? He wasn’t, I don’t remember him being like this before you came along? How did you change him?” There’s silence followed by a sigh.
“Tandy. Listen. If I could change people I wouldn’t have picked your dad. What he and your father had, it was beautiful, just look at what it made of you. You’re their crowning achievement. But you’re so stable so you outlived their love. If I could change anyone, I’d want to be more like you. Why would I ever want to be me? Cause it fucking sucks being the sort of person who has to chose between tearing two of my best friends apart or just being a hollow husk waiting for a human to wear me.
I know I made the wrong choice, but I would have either way and if it’s going to be longing or guilt that guts me every night awake or asleep I’m picking the one where there’s at least someone I can cling to. I hope that’s an explanation even if it’s no excuse.I get it, I get why you hate me. Asking you to call me mother dear was wrong. I just, I just want what he did for you for myself. He already made you a complete, healthy not totally fucked up person, can I please have a turn. Cause that’s what’s the worst, people don’t change. I don’t even get to be really guilty about you cause I know neither of us could make you any less cool, any less totally on top of things if we tried. The same way I don’t get better. People don’t change, but I had to do what I did in the hope people could change me.” *Click*
Tantallidy snaps the phone shut. Kyntharyn asks “What did she say?”
“Nothing I needed to hear.”
“I’m sorry I suggested it.”
“Doesn’t matter. Maybe we were wrong, cause listening to all that, I suddenly remembered all the mutual awfulness between us, but it wasn’t horror I felt at home in it. I can hardly be different if all I can do is hate her, not even hear what she’s saying after a while.” Bees were an understatement. “I don’t think I’m any different. I’m still the same empty person in the same meaningless place.”
“Hey no! There’s nothing wrong with this place?”
“Haven’t you see it it’s just the worst?”
“That’s what you always used to tell me, I remember, sitting here you told me how much better we could be elsewhere, how you’d free me. But maybe you just couldn’t see how it was actually entirely an alright place. You always acted like everyone else was oblivious to the problems but maybe the reverse is true for you.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Maybe that’s why you wanted to be someone else. I wish it had worked.”
“Fuck you, and me to.” Tantallidy feels warm, more so than she’s been since she’d been burning. “Second time's the charm then.” The first sparks spreading it would soon start all over, and it wouldn’t be Tantallidy’s problem anymore. Until she was splashed with a bucked of ice cold water.
“No, you don’t get to burn my home again, if you’re going to do this then get out.”
III
Tantallidy leaves to find herself on the street along with her thoughts. The water not allowing her to catch light again. Fuming only on the inside. She’d been so close, only to be forced back down and damp. Would she really have done it, twice in one day, is that who she is now? Wouldn’t she rather be literally anyone else, someone who could end a conversation without a fight, who could talk to Hind. Who knew what to tell her parents. Wait, would she really have killed Kyntharyn? No, well wasn’t she going to? Did she expect Kyntharyn to run away. But where to, and there’d be people next door, there’d be gas too. But Tantallidy hadn’t thought had she. No.
But wait, all this worry, is for other people, not herself. Couldn’t she be so stable without them? If that arse from earlier hadn’t crashed into her life she’d not even have needed to know the truth. But even then the truth is just other people’s opinions. Why get upset about them, or their expectations, it just made things messy, it always did. No need to burn up about it. That is how she could be significantly different, the clarity of apathy. Total stability was right there, just a case of being cold enough.
