Other Queer Peeps: What helped you realize your identity?

[bastion]

What incident helped you understand your gender and/or orientation? When did it really click for you?

When I was 16ish I was going out with this boy who wanted to kiss a lot. I hated it. I don't remember how I found it, but I was looking around online and discovered that being asexual was a thing. It clicked immediately. That was why I hated kissing, or even just sexual conversation.

I realized I was agender in my 20s. I saw a post taking about how you don't need dysphoria to be transgender. It cleared away my doubts and I started doing serious introspection.

 

[Shy2Infinity]

I went through some serious denial for the majority of my high school years. I felt extremely out of place from my hormonal classmates and I found the term Demisexual online, so I thought I was that for a while. While I know I'm on the asexual spectrum, I'm not sure about Demisexual anymore. However, it didn't take me until I was well into my twenties to think about the possibility that I could be nonbinary. I'd struggled with chest based dysphoria all throughout highschool, but explained it away as body dysmorphia instead. My gender identity didn't start seeing the light until I wore a binder for the first time and felt a surge of gender euphoria... lmao.

 

[bastion]

I'd struggled with chest based dysphoria all throughout highschool, but explained it away

That's such a mood. I always blamed my hatred on my breasts on being sexualized from a young age. I hated how adult men looked at me because of them, so clearly that was the reason I desperately wished them gone. I mean, it was definitely part of it but I don't feel sexualized anymore yet I still long for them to be gone.

 

[Shy2Infinity]

That's such a mood. I always blamed my hatred on my breasts on being sexualized from a young age. I hated how adult men looked at me because of them, so clearly that was the reason I desperately wished them gone. I mean, it was definitely part of it but I don't feel sexualized anymore yet I still long for them to be gone.

Ya know what, that was also probably part of it for me. My own family members would talk about my body in disgusting ways x_x It also probably didn't help that I watched transmed youtubers back then...

 

[Lucyfer]

I was 29. I know, I know...I didn't quite realize my admiration of the female form extended into lust, despite dreams and fantasies. I was really into working out, so I'd look at ideals, and admire women from afar, and I considered it just that. Admiration. It was not. I'm not sure why it didn't click sooner that I was bisexual, probably because I do favor men, but when it clicked things felt internally so much better.

I think what helped was actually acknowledging that most people don't have, ah, lustful thoughts, and admiration can join lust. They don't have to be separate. Which, again, should have been obvious considering it was fine with men, lol. It took some talking to people to get it straightened out, so sometimes talking to others helps.

I think I may have disregarded my like for women for a while, because one of my friends when I was a kid was bi, and attracted to me. I wasn't attracted to her, but if I was straight, then it was not an issue of rejection, ya know? And then I just believed that for a while...

 

[chargingdenki]

Sort of all my life I just always saw genders as neutral. I mean I’d appreciate and find things to live in both genders and just didn’t say anything cause y’know I thought that was normal. Later on in life though I would start telling people and everyone acted like it was so wrong. Parents, friends, classmates. It just didn’t make sense in my head so the lovely power of google! I looked into it and honestly I thought I was pan but over the years I’ve gotten a bit more of a lean towards men so I labeled myself as bi with a preference for males. There’s my great story ik

 

[Impius]

As a kid, I was always confused and absolutely heartbroken I couldn't do the same things boys can. I didn't get the same cool Christmas or birthday gifts, why I couldn't join bit scouts and explore the forest. When I was are ound 12 or 13 I would cry myself to sleep and pray (right before my fallout with religion) that if there was a god, to let me wake up in the morning as a boy. I kept that hidden for a long time. Didn't think anything of it and thought it was something every girl goes through at some point. So I shove the feelings deep away, locked in a box. Fast forward to.. 24? and I was scrolling through old selifes of myself and realized how boyish and content I looked in quite a few of them and it just kind of finally clicked I was trans. Everything made sense at tht point. Started with hormone therapy shortly after and haven't looked back. I had even dated a trans woman during that time period before I realized too. It didn't end well as I too my repressed feeling sour on them, realizing later on.

 

[kibou]

Time, lots of time, being surrounding with accepting people, reading about lgbt people's experiences and seeing positive lgbt rep in media- that one was incredibly important, looking back. I grew up thinking that gay people literally didn't get happy endings, or happy relationships, or a good life in general and seeing happy stories and good rep gave me hope as cheesey as it is. it made it feel okay to be myself. Figuring it out took years though, because I was raised in a very bigoted and religious environment, and there was denial and confusion from so many aspects for awhile. I thought I was ace for years but it was internalized homophobia + dysphoria on top of emotional trauma, then I got into the microlabels mogai community to almost justify my own homophobia at myself and think it was fine because "here's a label, it's not trauma, it's a sexuality," and societal expectations of gender made figuring everything out difficult. I can't relate to the concept of "man" or "woman" at all, and the idea of people seeing me as either and placing expectation on me or presumptions suuucks, and then talking to cis people and realizing even most cis people feel more like an individual than a gender and obvi all suffer from stereotyping, and then the fact that women who are bi/lesbians normally have a very weird relationship with gender that is different and feels different to them than cis women, and that some butch women get top or go on hrt... It's all kinda frustrating but it helped to completely ignore the cultural bullshit and focus on the internal and not what label to use, but just what I need to do to be happiest with my life and body. If someone asks I just tell them I'm bi and a trans dude now. I've been uncomfortable mentioning being trans online for a long time, because I've always felt like people's perceptions of me would instantly change and never go back to what it used to be, and I wouldn't be seen as my genuine identity, and there's heaps of other assumptions that go with it, but I think it's nice to know that there's other people like you even in online communities.

 

[diet_pepsi]

So, I am non-binary, which means I am neither male nor female, I don't relate to either of those genders. And, quite frankly, I never have. From fashion sense to personality to the confused little feelings in my head, I have never in my life been feminine or masculine. And it really shows, because a lot of people will actually ask me what my gender is when walking up to me, because they'll be confused, because even physically, I basically just look in between. For a lot of my life, this was very confusing, especially since I live in a community that is very gender role restrictive, there's a place for females and there's a place for males, it isn't very inclusive to the LGTBQ+ community, and so when I started to realize that I just wasn't fitting into these expectations, it caused a lot of panic and anxiety within me, especially since my born gender was male and the roles for males where I live are a lot worse than the girls'. It was around eighth grade when I met this girl, let's call her Star. Star was from a few states over, and this community was a lot different from hers, and after we kicked it off as friends, she randomly brought up the topic of my gender, and asked if I was perhaps a demiboy or non-binary. I had no damn clue what either meant, and she went off into this huge rant about different genders and sexualities, and at the end of it, I basically had culture shock, and I was just speechless because she literally solved all of my confusion in 20 minutes. I ended up opening up to her about what I'd been feeling literally as long as I can remember regarding my gender, how panicked I felt because of the restrictions where I live, and she was really a big factor in helping me realize who I am, and I am actually happily dating her right now! But yeah, that's my little story of realizing I was non-binary.

 

[Luscinioide]

I burst out of the womb wearing flannel and doc martens, and the first words I uttered from my lips were 'cuff those jeaaaans....'

No, jk. I always knew I was gay, though. I remember having crushes on my girl friends as far back as elementary school. I was best friends with a cute Italian girl and I can still remember getting the butterflies in my stomach when she touched my hair or laughed at my jokes. I've been hopelessly gay for way too long

It's only been more recently that I've slipped into a weird liminal space between 'nonbinary aro-ace' and 'lesbian woman.' I like pretty ladies (all ladies, actually) and I don't mind being referred to as she/her, but I also have no interest in romantic or physical advances and greatly prefer being a gender enigma online. Jaw drops AWOOGA meme sound whenever I see a Hot Girl™, but I don't want to actually get involved with anyone. Like wearing pretty eye makeup sometimes, but I like binding and wearing gender neutral clothing. Am fine with being called a woman, but also not really.

I have determined that I am too powerful for labels. This level of queerness cannot be contained by mere words. Sometimes on Tuesdays I call myself gender nonconforming.

 

[Jannah]

I'm asexual and have kind of always known. However, I didn't know there was an actual label for it until I was late into high school. I was discussing with a friend one day my disinterest in anything sexual and she was like "maybe you're asexual". I then looked into it when I got home and haven't looked back since. Everything just seemed to click.

 

[starboob]

i have a few really distinct memories from childhood that should have clued me into the fact that i am very much a Lesbian:

• seeing this beautiful punk woman with tall ass liberty spikes at the deli counter and thinking, 'i gotta be like her someday.' (age: 2.5)
• thinking id grow up and become a hot motorcycle dude who picks up ladies at the mall. (age: 4)
• getting upset when i found out i couldn't be a king bc of my perceived gender. (age: 6)

i didn't really come to terms with my identity until i was in high school. my best friend came out as bi and that had me thinking about whether or not i was straight. the more i thought about my crushes on boys, i realized those were "i want what he has" feelings and that my Intense Victorian Friendship Feelings for my girl friends were, in fact, Homosexual in nature. for many years, i identified as gay/queer, but a few years ago i started to really embrace being a lesbian once i deconstructed and unpacked my own internalized lesbo-phobia. it's been the best thing for myself. i love being a lesbian and if u need a mean lesbian friend in ur life, u may submit an application to my PMs.

currently, i just identify as a lesbian for both sexuality and gender. to me, my experience is being a lesbian and nothing else. if it were the govts business to know my gender, i would totally legally change my gender to lesbian. for those who are curious how i can make lesbian a gender, i encourage you to read Stone Butch Blues by Leslie Feinberg (it's free!). there's also this twitter thread that helped me expand my view of lesbian.

 

[Sylvio]

I feel like I was into guys for as long as I can remember. But growing up in the early 2000s, people were more homophobic than they are now. It was hard for me to admit that I could be attracted to men in a romantic or sexual context. I suppressed it for the longest time and even denied it

I always thought I was straight and mostly ended up crushing on a lot of girls since 2nd grade. There came a point time where I believed I wasn’t into men at all and just admired them platonically or respectfully. Though I was treated with homophobic remarks by the way I acted. I guess I was very effeminate in the way I acted and just had a whole crisis from late elementary to early high school.

When I was 16 I started questioning me sexuality, I didn’t know if I was straight or not and fought back so hard but I came to accept the fact that I was bisexual

The moment I realized I was bi was when I started meeting other non-het guys who liked to flirt with me. They were around the same age as me, already accepting of their sexuality or questioning thinking they were mlm. The more I flirted with guys the more comfortable and visible I felt and eventually came out as bisexual to my friends and family.

It’s been an uphill battle to accept my sexuality with heteronormativity being a thing. If being in an mlm relationship was viable or right for me and did I like men at all. But I got over that struggle and I’m in an environment where I feel accepted for my sexuality.

My gender became a different story. On top being called gay in a derogatory sense I always got jokes about being a girl. That I wasn’t ‘manly’ enough. I never really had any realization that I could’ve been a girl but I did question whether or not I was a man.

I dealt with dysphoria recently and just wondering what was right for me. I always thought I was a man but I always had doubts because of my history with “not being manly enough” I experiment thinking I was nb and thought about using different pronouns than what I was assigned but never could find anything else that fit.

And then I just came to the blissful conclusion that I am a man. I always will be and nothing or no one can say I’m not. I express my indentity in whatever way I feel comfortable and I think my assigned gender helps me explore who I am without being scared. Experiencing gender euphoria is beautiful for cis and non cis people, and telling myself I’m a man makes me smile every time

Recently I also had to came to accept the fact that I was in fact demisexual

When it comes to sexual relations I felt as though establishing some sort of intimacy with someone is important for me to make any sexual activity feel worth committing to. I just came to that conclusion after having a lot of introspection and self discovery

I used to be really down bad (moreso than now lol) and just started chasing romantic interests I had no business being with. And when I started to find happiness in myself and not force sexual intimacy with people, I started to value sexual intimacy differently. I feel like I can do anything like that with someone I barely know nothing about and would prefer to establish some sort of closeness of sorts before doing anything explicit

 

[bastion]

Experiencing gender euphoria is a beautiful for cis and non cis people

Yes, this! Exploring gender identity is so important no matter whether your cis or trans, and dysphoria and gender euphoria are experiences cis gender people can have as well! I'm so glad you were able to find your gender euphoria!

 

[SandraDeelightful]

I’m bi, always knew I liked men. I’m a huge fan of the show Peaky Blinders, and in season 3, when Tommy was sleeping with Tatiana, I realized I was attracted to her. Usually I’m jealous of the women sleeping with Tommy, but in that moment, I was jealous of him.

 

[tranz]

Realized that my hatred of other people seeing my body wasn't insecurity, but it was because I didn't feel like it was my body. Came out as trans when I was fifteen. I thought I was also a lesbian for the longest time, turns out I was gay in the wrong way!

 

[VictoryatLast]

To be perfectly honest? It was a realization adjusted after watching a JaidenAnimation video- the newest one actually...

I had gone with ace for a very long time, but after watching her video... I realized that I actually had used the wrong term- and I think it might be too silly... but I have no sense of attraction, and her video helped me truly realize that in fact- I was aromantic. It felt a bit sad to me that I might not understand what love is... but I eventually understood that.. I have my own platonic understanding of love. And that's alright with me!

 

[bastion]

To be perfectly honest? It was a realization adjusted after watching a JaidenAnimation video- the newest one actually...

I had gone with ace for a very long time, but after watching her video... I realized that I actually had used the wrong term- and I think it might be too silly... but I have no sense of attraction, and her video helped me truly realize that in fact- I was aromantic. It felt a bit sad to me that I might not understand what love is... but I eventually understood that.. I have my own platonic understanding of love. And that's alright with me!

I'm glad you've come to understand that romantic love isn't the only one! All forms of love are important and fulfilling, whether it be family, friends, or whatever else!You don't need romantic love to be whole!

 

[Jannah]

To be perfectly honest? It was a realization adjusted after watching a JaidenAnimation video- the newest one actually...

I had gone with ace for a very long time, but after watching her video... I realized that I actually had used the wrong term- and I think it might be too silly... but I have no sense of attraction, and her video helped me truly realize that in fact- I was aromantic. It felt a bit sad to me that I might not understand what love is... but I eventually understood that.. I have my own platonic understanding of love. And that's alright with me!

I'm definitely asexual, but the jury is still out on whether I'm aromantic or not. That being said, I can definitely relate to some of these feelings. Platonic love is also still very much love too!