Please Give Me Feedback!!

Jewel

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Please give me feedback!!

I’m always looking to improve my characters and you can help by giving me some pointers! Let me know if you think there’s something I should change or tell me if you like my character! (This is my first time posting one of my characters, I’m new to this, please be nice) Also, if you really love my character and want to rp, my DMs are open.


Okay, here’s my character:


Princess Epsteinia Bloodnight is her name. She’s an assassin with long black hair with bright red tips and short bangs. She wears 12” heels even in combat. She can crush human bones with her teeth. She has glowing red/gold/black/yellow eyes and pale skin. She can detect small animals from great distances with her animal-like senses. She’s the best assassin in the entire world and knows how to fight with swords, glaives, tiny knives, brass gauntlets, electrical industrial drills, crossbows, nail clippers, and everyday cutlery. She has never lost her keys. She knows all forms of magic in existence—necromancy, psychiatry, sadomasochism, telekinesis, terraforming, divination, and she can predict the future with perfect accuracy. She kins God. She can disarm any man with just a smile, and she regularly kills to satiate her immense bloodlust.

She spends her free time drawing blueprints for large suspension bridges to be built with eco-friendly recyclable materials. She has never broken a nail. She can regularly be seen scaling large mountains using only her hands and her teeth. She is the assistant mayor of a small rural town in Minnesota. She has interned at Apple, Sony, Sirius Cybernetics, and SpaceX. She has shaken hands with every major American President. Her favorite thing to eat is ice, and her favorite time of day is 6am, which is when she prays to a shrine of herself. She cooks 5-minute rice in under 30 seconds. She has never told a lie. She has sharp fangs, a forked tongue, a pointed red tail, and cat ears instead of human ones. She is married to Matthew McConaughey.

She can speak ten thousand human languages and six animal languages. She never forgets a birthday. She is an outspoken advocate of orca rights (she can turn into an orca) and personally oversaw the overthrow of OSHA’s headquarters. She’s a poet, a libertarian, a mother, a gun-owner, and a renown philosopher. She is twelve years old.

She has received two BRIT awards, three Academy Awards, and her old-school hip-hop album won her the Noble Peace Prize in 2016. She does not perspire. She’s an outgoing, exuberant, cheerful girl but she has a darkness inside her that nobody can see (except for her soulmate, Matthew McConaughey). Unlike most humans, she is bipedal. Once, when she was young, she spent six months in the Danakil Desert rescuing refugee penguins from volcanic rupture. She was behind the assassination of John F. Kennedy. She’s cute, bloodthirsty, and doesn’t care what others think of her. She wears a child’s size 6 shoe. Her favorite band is My Chemical Romance and she blames herself for their breakup. Her eyeliner is permanent. She graduated from Princeton and got her master’s degree in electrical engineering. She is immortal. She has never found love. She aspires to be a child dentist.


PLEASE give me feedback! And if you LOVE her like I do, tell me that too :D

Princess Epsteinia Bloodnight is her name. She’s an assassin with long black hair with bright red tips and short bangs. She wears 12” heels even in combat. She can crush human bones with her teeth. She has glowing red/gold/black/yellow eyes and pale skin. She can detect small animals from great distances with her animal-like senses. She’s the best assassin in the entire world and knows how to fight with swords, glaives, tiny knives, brass gauntlets, electrical industrial drills, crossbows, nail clippers, and everyday cutlery. She has never lost her keys. She knows all forms of magic in existence—necromancy, psychiatry, sadomasochism, telekinesis, terraforming, divination, and she can predict the future with perfect accuracy. She kins God. She can disarm any man with just a smile, and she regularly kills to satiate her immense bloodlust.

She spends her free time drawing blueprints for large suspension bridges to be built with eco-friendly recyclable materials. She has never broken a nail. She can regularly be seen scaling large mountains using only her hands and her teeth. She is the assistant mayor of a small rural town in Minnesota. She has interned at Apple, Sony, Sirius Cybernetics, and SpaceX. She has shaken hands with every major American President. Her favorite thing to eat is ice, and her favorite time of day is 6am, which is when she prays to a shrine of herself. She cooks 5-minute rice in under 30 seconds. She has never told a lie. She has sharp fangs, a forked tongue, a pointed red tail, and cat ears instead of human ones. She is married to Matthew McConaughey.

She can speak ten thousand human languages and six animal languages. She never forgets a birthday. She is an outspoken advocate of orca rights (she can turn into an orca) and personally oversaw the overthrow of OSHA’s headquarters. She’s a poet, a libertarian, a mother, a gun-owner, and a renown philosopher. She is twelve years old.

She has received two BRIT awards, three Academy Awards, and her old-school hip-hop album won her the Noble Peace Prize in 2016. She does not perspire. She’s an outgoing, exuberant, cheerful girl but she has a darkness inside her that nobody can see (except for her soulmate, Matthew McConaughey). Unlike most humans, she is bipedal. Once, when she was young, she spent six months in the Danakil Desert rescuing refugee penguins from volcanic rupture. She was behind the assassination of John F. Kennedy. She’s cute, bloodthirsty, and doesn’t care what others think of her. She wears a child’s size 6 shoe. Her favorite band is My Chemical Romance and she blames herself for their breakup. Her eyeliner is permanent. She graduated from Princeton and got her master’s degree in electrical engineering. She is immortal. She has never found love. She aspires to be a child dentist.
 
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Wow- that's a lot of info.

And that might be a problem. There's so much going on that it's hard to pin down the character. And multiple things contradict each other; i.e. She is married [...] She has never found love. , She graduated from Princeton [...] She is twelve.

Actually, the fact that she is twelve might be a massive confusion point here. She's done so much stuff that she's only twelve? And she's an assassin, but she's a Philosopher, one who seeks wisdom, and/or enlightenment. Also, most humans are bipedal. Especially in the era in which MCR and SpaceX are a thing. Also, is she human? Because she seems to be very different to what one may call a human.

This isn't me trying to poke holes in your character, or shove your creativity. I think they're brilliant ideas, but it almost seems like this was multiple characters if that makes any sense?

It might be helpful to strip the character down to her basic roots and see what makes her her at the core. When I create a character and I want to add an attribute, like a habit as such, I always ask why they do that. For instance, Damien Levesque loves to draw, but won't show others on purpose because he can create little worlds of his own where everything goes right and well, and everyone is safe and alive, but he doesn't show them as it is nothing but childish fantasy.

Perhaps try doing that with Epsteinia here and you can get a more fleshed out, cohesive character. If you need any help, or tips, or anything, feel free to shoot me a PM. All the best! <3
 
Ultimately she is your character but, and no offense, there's a lot and I do mean a lot going on. To be honest, I didn't get a clear picture of exactly what she is. I'm pretty sure she's not human...? And if she is, that's really something. No character is perfect in my opinion. What makes them who they are, are the flaws that they have. I think your character is leaning towards being perfect in everything you've set for her to do.
I don't see anything that explains her background. Why she became an assassin or what would make her the best assassin among others and all of this at the age of twelve? Dialing back a lot of the information might be a good course of action for you. Probably all of it.
 
Wow- that's a lot of info.

And that might be a problem. There's so much going on that it's hard to pin down the character. And multiple things contradict each other; i.e. She is married [...] She has never found love. , She graduated from Princeton [...] She is twelve.

Actually, the fact that she is twelve might be a massive confusion point here. She's done so much stuff that she's only twelve? And she's an assassin, but she's a Philosopher, one who seeks wisdom, and/or enlightenment. Also, most humans are bipedal. Especially in the era in which MCR and SpaceX are a thing. Also, is she human? Because she seems to be very different to what one may call a human.

This isn't me trying to poke holes in your character, or shove your creativity. I think they're brilliant ideas, but it almost seems like this was multiple characters if that makes any sense?

It might be helpful to strip the character down to her basic roots and see what makes her her at the core. When I create a character and I want to add an attribute, like a habit as such, I always ask why they do that. For instance, Damien Levesque loves to draw, but won't show others on purpose because he can create little worlds of his own where everything goes right and well, and everyone is safe and alive, but he doesn't show them as it is nothing but childish fantasy.

Perhaps try doing that with Epsteinia here and you can get a more fleshed out, cohesive character. If you need any help, or tips, or anything, feel free to shoot me a PM. All the best! <3
Mediae, my friend,

I respectfully disagree that there are any contradictions in my character at all. She can be married without having fallen in love. Matthew McConaughey may be her soulmate but since he’s like fifty and she’s only twelve I think it’d be kind of inappropriate if they were romantic soulmates. But they are soulmates so of course they got married.

Also, I forgot to mention, Epsteinia is the daughter of Lucifer so she’s part angel so she’s immortal. That’s why she’s twelve and why she’s so good at espionage. She’s actually been alive for longer than the earth has existed, because she was raised in hell in Lucifer’s castle as the princess of hell (that’s where she’s the princess of, you see). Also, since Lucifer is powerful and wealthy, he was able to send Epsteinia to Princeton where she went to school and graduated.

She is a philosopher because she thinks a lot. She spends a lot of time looking in the mirror and thinking about herself. She is half-human because Eve was her mortal mother.

Not all humans are bipedal. What about people who don’t have legs? Babies also crawl on four legs.

What you said about narrowing Epsteinia down to her core really struck a chord with me. I think you’re right, but I would also like to mention that I did not explain every detail of my character in the prior post because I thought it would make the post too lengthy / unreadable. Like, I can explain why she had to assassinate John F. Kennedy, but I didn’t think including all of her backstory from the start would have made a lot of sense. I like to keep some secrets about my character to myself, you see. But I will definitely think about giving her some additional, more mundane hobbies.

Thank you again for your honest review!!
 
Ultimately she is your character but, and no offense, there's a lot and I do mean a lot going on. To be honest, I didn't get a clear picture of exactly what she is. I'm pretty sure she's not human...? And if she is, that's really something. No character is perfect in my opinion. What makes them who they are, are the flaws that they have. I think your character is leaning towards being perfect in everything you've set for her to do.
I don't see anything that explains her background. Why she became an assassin or what would make her the best assassin among others and all of this at the age of twelve? Dialing back a lot of the information might be a good course of action for you. Probably all of it.
Hootle, friend

Thank you for your honest review.

Epsteinia Bloodnight is half-human, to answer your question. She’s the daughter of the angel Lucifer and the princess of hell. Which explains the forked tongue, pointed tail, and insatiable bloodlust.

I think you are absolutely right. Epsteinia is perfect. In following your advice, I have compiled a comprehensive list of flaws and weaknesses that Episteinia possesses (thus making her flawed. I want to note that I am really trying to keep Epsteinia 1-dimensional because playing 2-dimensional characters is a little too advanced for me).

Flaws:
  • She has never found love
  • She cannot hit a bullseye with a recursive crossbow at 100m
  • She has never eaten a cream cheese bagel
  • She has depression
  • She cannot deadlift 250lbs
  • She won only silver in the 2010 gymnastics Olympics in Singapore
  • She is allergic to silver and garlic and crucifixes
  • She is a pyromaniac
  • She thinks Radio Head is a good band
  • She is afraid of wasps
  • She is single
  • She cannot play the tenor saxophone (well, she can play it a little, she’s just really bad at it so she’s embarrassed to admit that she even plays)
I could explain her background but because she’s lived so long I think it would take quite a long post to do that! The short answer is just that because she’s immortal she’s had time to do all of the things she has done. Also, I wanted to note that her being twelve is part of what makes her such a great assassin. No one suspects a 12-year-old girl of being a deadly assassin.

Respectfully, I do not want to remove any of the information I have already made up for Epsteinia. I spent a lot of time selecting the perfect attributes to capture her essence. But thanks for the advice!
 
First, formatting the block of text into something readable would go a long way in making sure people actually read it.

Second, you focus a lot—and I mean a lot!—on her physical appearance. While skimming over her personality. Also, using words like "edgy" isn't good in character descriptions, because they are inherently meaningless buzzwords that can mean 100 different things for 100 different people.
 
I don't really understand then what you are looking for. It can't be feedback because mediae made several good points of which you seem to disregard what they have said. If you are legitimately asking for pointers or ways to help yourself improve, you have to be willing to actually listen if not then what is the point of asking for feedback? For people to tell you what you want to hear? That's no good. Well, anyway. Good luck with everything.
 
I want to note that I am really trying to keep Epsteinia 1-dimensional
Are you trolling? What kind of feedback could you possibly want when you're trying to keep the chatter 1-dimensional?
 
First, formatting the block of text into something readable would go a long way in making sure people actually read it.

Second, you focus a lot—and I mean a lot!—on her physical appearance. While skimming over her personality. Also, using words like "edgy" isn't good in character descriptions, because they are inherently meaningless buzzwords that can mean 100 different things for 100 different people.
Millfall,

As per your suggestion, I broke the large paragraph into several smaller paragraphs.

I also changed the font into something more cute so its fun to read and made the text bigger so it's easier to read. I tried to replace "edgy" with better, more descriptive words. I know I spent a lot of time detailing her appearance, but I was trying to paint the most accurate image possible in the mind of my readers.

Let me know what you think! Thanks for the advice!
 
Millfall,

As per your suggestion, I broke the large paragraph into several smaller paragraphs.

I also changed the font into something more cute so its fun to read and made the text bigger so it's easier to read. I tried to replace "edgy" with better, more descriptive words. I know I spent a lot of time detailing her appearance, but I was trying to paint the most accurate image possible in the mind of my readers.

Let me know what you think! Thanks for the advice!

It's beautiful. What font it is?
 
Curious to know if she is the lost relative to Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way?
Because that would make too much sense, but also be on point.
 
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This made my day. I apologize in advance for my primitive primate persuasions, but I am currently howling and screaming in laughter and my keyboard is so covered in gunka i cant even sjee the jkeyoibard anyire/
 
Hoyo Jewel Jewel !

Having read through the profile and the comments made since then by both you and others, I'm going to be 100% honest with you about my take on this character. And while some of the wording might seem harsh or overly blunt, it's not intended to come off that way. I'm just being direct as I don't believe in sugar coating constructive criticism.

So, here we go:

As it currently is written, whether this was the intent or not, the entire profile practically screams that it was purpose built to allow you to God-Mod for this character and get away with it because any accusations of such behavior could be defeated by saying "read her profile."

As a longtime GM I would never allow a character sheet like this into any of my RP's whether or not it was a character with divine connections or lineage.

Having said that, the list of flaws you added was a decent start to resolving this issue. So, let's examine your list of flaws and touch on what works and what doesn't:
  • She has never found love - Never having found it before doesn't mean she can't find it. So this really isn't really a character flaw. It's just a fact about her life so far.

  • She cannot hit a bullseye with a recursive crossbow at 100m - Crossbows aren't really built for combat outside of 100m anyway. And not being able to hit a bullseye outside that range doesn't mean she can't still hit her target. So this one's kind of pointless.

  • She has never eaten a cream cheese bagel - Irrelevant, and not a flaw.

  • She has depression - Now this one is good. But we need more. Is it causing her any significant problems in her professional or personal life? Is it weighing on her mind and giving her negative self image issues? Is it causing her any critically dangerous self-harming thoughts? Is it actively playing a role in destroying her personal motivation and denying her any sense of joy or accomplishment in anything that she does? Depression is a powerful self-destructive condition. So lay into it a little bit.

  • She cannot deadlift 250lbs - Irrelevant, and not a flaw.

  • She won only silver in the 2010 gymnastics Olympics in Singapore - Irrelevant, and not a flaw.

  • She is allergic to silver and garlic and crucifixes - This one's not bad. Goes with the hellish backstory and gives a vampire-like vibe which is always fun. But how much do each of these things harm her if she gets too close or touches them? A little more detail as to exactly how these elements interact with and harm her would be good.

  • She is a pyromaniac - Has this caused her or anyone else any significant harm in the past? And has that harm done anything to her, personally such as wracking her with guilt, regret, sorrow, or a need to make up for the wrong that was committed?
  • She thinks Radio Head is a good band - While hilarious, this is still irrelevant and not a flaw.

  • She is afraid of wasps - Is she allergic, or is she just afraid of them? If she's afraid of them, is she so afraid that it would interfere with and/or potentially derail any of her assassination missions or her personal life?

  • She is single - I thought she was married to Matthew McConaughey?

  • She cannot play the tenor saxophone - Irrelevant, and not a flaw.
You did a good job of trying to give her flaws. But as stated above some of them weren't really flaws.

A genuine character flaw is something tangible that directly affects a character's mindset, physical ability, or emotional stability. As a result of their flaws the characters always run the risk of falling prey to their personal demons and shying away from opportunities of personal growth and development. As it stands, depression is about the only thing on your list that genuinely accomplishes that. The allergies to crucifixes and such wasn't bad. But on its own it's not nearly as detrimental or even as potentially harmful as depression is and can be. While having only a single glaring flaw is not necessarily "wrong," the best written characters all have multiple flaws which coalesce to form a fully realized and vulnerable being capable of experiencing everything life has to offer, for better or worse.

So I would recommend adding a few more genuine flaws that directly affect her at a mental or emotional level like the depression does to help round her out.

----------------------------------------------------------------------​

I noticed one of your statements in which you said you don't want to remove anything you added to this character. And while I can understand the feeling of not wanting to alter a character you've worked hard to create, there's a phrase in storytelling that I think you should spend some time thinking about and considering.

That phrase is: Sometimes you must kill your darlings.

Normally this refers to storytelling as a whole rather than a single character. The essence of this phrase means that sometimes in order to realize the full potential of your work you have to get rid of some of your favorite ideas for sub plots, story/character arcs you thought were necessary, or sometimes even an entire Act needs to be completely rewritten despite how desperately you wanted it to go the way it had been going before. And as artists and character designers we often get attached to things about our characters which don't actually need to exist, nor do they do anything positive for the character. So, sometimes we need to take time to reflect and consider what's actually needed versus what we wanted for the story or character in question.

You mention in your responses to some of the comments that you don't want to remove any details you've come up with for Epsteinia because you put time into coming up with the perfect details to capture her essence. But I'm not sure you entirely understand what a character's "essence" truly is based on what you've said before and after that statement.

A character's essence has nothing to do with what you want them to be capable of externally. Currently, everything in your profile is external. Assassin work, animalistic senses, the use of magic and weapons, climbing with her teeth, her physical appearance, all the awards and accolades she's acquired, etc. It's all external and is only a list of items that demonstrate what she's physically capable of, what she's won, or what she looks like. None of these details have anything to do with her essence, nor does anything in the list of flaws you came up with.

A character's essence is the truest information about who they are as revealed by the choices they make when under intense pressure.

For example, and for the sake of argument, let's say that Epsteinia's closest friend is about to get shot in the head point blank by a mugger, and Epsteinia is over 100m away but can see it about to happen. What would she do? Would she rush to the rescue, or watch helplessly as it unfolded and her closest friend's brain was splattered across the pavement? For the sake of argument, she dashes to the rescue.

That decision under the intense pressure that comes from the threat of her closest friend's imminent death is a demonstration of her essence. It's not what she does to rescue her friend. It's the fact that she made that choice to begin with.

Choosing to rush to the rescue shows that she's brave, selfless, and relentless in pursuing the preservation of safety of her loved ones.

That is an example of what it means to demonstrate the "essence" of a character.

----------------------------------------------------------------------​

I've been at this for a while, so I think I'll shut up now. Lol.

Anyway, hopefully this was helpful to clearing up a few things about Epsteinia and giving you a better idea of how to find her true essence.

Again, as the saying goes sometimes you must kill your darlings. And I see a lot of things in her profile right now that have no reason to exist since they do nothing to qualify who she is or demonstrate anything about her essence as a character or a person.

So, I'd encourage you to consider reviewing what you have and coming up with more important information to include in the profile such as what sorts of incredibly dangerous missions she went on as an assassin to earn the title of "best in the entire world," and what sorts of painful and/or dangerous choices she was forced to make in the spur of the moment to complete her missions (or fail at them).

Those difficult, painful, emotional, and split-second decisions that she makes when under pressure are what reveal her essence as a character. And they are what will help you figure out what in her profile can be done away with, what can be added, or what can simply be adjusted a bit to accommodate her essence as you uncover it moving forward.

Cheers!

~ GojiBean
 
GojiBean GojiBean i think it’s meant to be Satire actually. The part where OP said the twelve year old demon princess is married to an IRL actor is kinda a dead give away. Plus the idea that they only write one dimensional characters as three dimensional characters are too advanced.

That said Jewel Jewel its a good first try at satire but the mark of a truly top tier Satire OC is actually minimalism.

When your entire character can be summed up in maybe two sentences with lots a typos and a handful of contradictions.

What you really need to double down on is the misspelled product placement and current references. As the 90s call outs are cute but I don’t think the modern middle schoolers would really get your vibe. So figure out who the goths of 2010 are (I recommend doing some teen rom com research, but not too much. There are no true wrong answer after all).

But above all brand names and product placement is your friend.
 
GojiBean GojiBean i think it’s meant to be Satire actually. The part where OP said the twelve year old demon princess is married to an IRL actor is kinda a dead give away. Plus the idea that they only write one dimensional characters as three dimensional characters are too advanced.

That said Jewel Jewel its a good first try at satire but the mark of a truly top tier Satire OC is actually minimalism.

When your entire character can be summed up in maybe two sentences with lots a typos and a handful of contradictions.

What you really need to double down on is the misspelled product placement and current references. As the 90s call outs are cute but I don’t think the modern middle schoolers would really get your vibe. So figure out who the goths of 2010 are (I recommend doing some teen rom com research, but not too much. There are no true wrong answer after all).

But above all brand names and product placement is your friend.
Hey Nerdy,

I think you misunderstood my post. It's not satire at all! This is my genuine original oc. I did not include typos because I thought that that would be a poor example of my writing? I don't make typos. Also, my target audience is not middle schoolers. If you check out my partner search here, you'll see that I only roleplay with people above a certain age! This isn't to be exclusive, it's just what's most comfortable for me :- ).

But thank you so much for leaving feedback! I would be so so interested to know more about this "truly top tier Satire" you were talking about? Can you maybe link me to some satire you've written? Thanks!!
 
So what makes characters like Ebony really fun is they poking fun at established tropes people will be familiar with. I think the biggest problem with your character is she's a little outdated. The current trend in tropes actually is minimalism. I know you don't want to make the character too three dimensional, but the people in the thread suggesting you edit the post down are a hundred percent on the right track.

The characters of the modern age do NOT favor the overly long purple prose aesthetic. It really is usually maybe two to three sentences, mostly centered on how awesome the character is. The physical descriptions are usually in list format

Hair - blah
Eyes - blah
Height - blah
Weight/Build - blah

That is of course if you don't already have a super awesome famous person playing the part. Which is hands down the most popular route. But a good description is also perfectly serviceable.

There is also a list of hobbies and dislikes. Maybe a playlist, but that's kinda up to personal taste.

Joking aside product placement is actually another thing that's gone out of style. Usually the things mentioned are Youtubers or maybe favorite bands.

Colored text is also a hundred percent preferable to odd font. I think cuz it really is easier to read and you don't want to seem like your trying too hard. Cuz then your a filthy poser, not a genuinely cool character.

Like I said you do have the start of a good character. She's a little out of touch but nothing a bit of editing couldn't fix. Basically think of how you would describe this character in like a very short twitter bio. It doesn't even have to be complete sentences to be perfectly honest.
 
Edit. To give ya an example of the "short twitter bio thing" here's my attempt to re-write in the vein of a modern demon princess

Epsteina is twelve year old demon princess assassin. She's undefeated in looks, magic, bloodlust, and skills. She has a soulmate, but won't say who. She loves to work and cook for her husband. She #hasitall. Also she's prophesized to save the world, or maybe plunge it into darkness. Depends on what she's vibing.

I added the prophecy bit, but you can delete that obviously. It's just usually such a character does have a higher purpose but it's mostly just a trope thing. Not really a story requirement. Also I'm not super good with color matching but you can obviously color the text however you want.
 

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