bastion
just a little guy
Context: El left home in his late teens after developing doubts about the religion his (all female) family preached. He traveled far, transitioning to male and taking on a new name as he came into himself without the restrictive teachings of his mother and grandmother. In the end though, the past always finds you.
“I was beginning to believe there were no other followers of Eldath in this land…”
El turned at the words without thinking, instinct taking over. Hearing mention of Eldath was like hearing his own name, as much as he’d come to resent his relation to the goddess. His mind finally processed the words and his charming smile dropped before his eyes even landed on the one who’d spoken them.
El recognized the young man standing behind him -a human two heads shorter and at least five years younger. He’d begun his cleric training not long before El had left home. They’d spoken on occasion, although there had always been a distance. What was his name… Daniel, wasn’t it?
No, that couldn’t be right. El had to be mistaken. No one from El’s home should have traveled this far. They were an entire ocean and a county away. How could he encounter one of them here? The one thing he’d been able to trust was that the people of his village never left, never traveled… That life was behind him now.
Daniel had been speaking this whole time, but El had heard none of it. He finally focused on the young man’s trembling voice as he noticed Daniel was crying now, drawing the attention of those passing by. El glanced around, a sense of panic building in his chest. He couldn’t let anyone else know about his past, not even the strangers on the street.
“What has happened to you? Your halos are shattered and your skin… No-”
“Do not say that name,” El cut him off, voice sharp. Daniel flinched, staring up at El in shock. El took a deep inhale, glancing around once more, before looking back at Daniel. The cleric watched him silently, still crying.
“Are you staying in the city? I’d like to talk in private,” El finally prompted, voice gentler this time.
Daniel took a moment to process, before he nodded his head. “Yes, I’m staying nearby with two other Eldathians. We were sent to find you. Oh, it’s horrible, No- I mean- Well, the Holy Grandmother… she-”
“Not here,” El shushed him, holding back a grimace at the mention of his grandmother. “We will talk in your room.”
“I apologize for the poor accommodations, Holy Daughter,” Daniel said, as he held the door open to a cramped attic room. He’d been babbling the entire trip to the dockside house, mostly about his dismay over the lack of Eldath worshippers in Waterdeep. It was exhausting. None of it had been as exhausting as hearing that wretched title though, even if it was only because El had stopped him from using his old name.
“Do not refer to me by title,” El sighed, entering the room. “I go by El now… El e’ Therai. He/him pronouns.”
El turned around, bracing himself for Daniel’s reaction. The cleric stared at him in confusion, hand still on the door he’d just shut, unable to make sense of what El had said. El had to look away, a sense of shame washing over him. How could he have abandoned everything the way he had? Abandoned his purpose, the people who respected him.. Abandoned even his identity.
Anger quickly replaced the shame. He had nothing to be ashamed of! He was living his life true to himself! He had never been the Holy Daughter, or a holy anything for that matter, nevermind his gender. He was happy now. What did it matter if it shook this foolish worshiper of his ancestor? In fact, wasn’t it good for this man to get a shock? That entire village needed to be shaken up a bit-
“I do not understand,” Daniel finally spoke, voice soft and beseeching. “You’ve changed your name and… you’re referring to yourself as if you are a man? What has happened to you, No- …What has happened to you?”
El sighed, leaning against a table. His anger was quickly slipping away, leaving behind exhaustion. Daniel didn’t deserve his anger. He was just another fool who’d been manipulated by El’s family.
“Daniel… that is your name, correct?” El paused long enough to confirm before continuing. “Okay, Daniel, this may be hard for you, but the truth is the whole Holy Grandmother, Mother, and Daughter thing is utter bullshit. The only reason my family has been having magic births is because they perform a ritual for it, not some blessing from Eldath. It’s all fake.”
Daniel frowned, still hovering at the door. His hands shakily grasped at the pendant of Eldath he wore on a chain, as if it would provide him some guidance. El focused his gaze on those hands, partly because he didn’t want to look at Daniel’s face, but mostly to ensure he wasn’t casting a spell. There was no sign of magic though, just a trembling hand seeking reassurance.
“I… I don’t know if I understand. Why does it being a ritual change anything? You are still the descendants of the Green Mother. You still carry her message and her will.”
El groaned in frustration. “It matters because everything else is as artificial as my birth! As this fucking body! I was only given a female body because one of my ancestors decided that we must all have a female body to resemble Eldath! That’s why we all look identical and… Ugh, I don’t even have genitals? How fucked up is that? All because my family decided we must maintain this perfect holy image!”
Daniel stared at El, heart aching at the tears in the aasimar’s eyes. After a moment he finally spoke up, voice still weak. “Is… Is this why you’re calling yourself a… him now?”
“No!” El snapped, wiping at his eyes angrily. “Well, maybe? I don’t know… When I left home, I started realizing I didn’t need to live the way mother and grandmother taught me to. At first I think I began living as a man to spite them, but I realized it felt right. I’m hardly the first person raised as a girl to realize I’m actually a man, you realize. Well, maybe you don’t. That wasn’t really a thing anyone stopped to consider back home…”
El trailed off, not knowing what more to say. Daniel finally moved away from the door, slowly approaching the table. El watched him, hands gripping the edge of the table tightly. Finally, Daniel stopped beside El, leaning against the table as well. He gazed at the floor, expression thoughtful.
“I don’t fully understand, but if you are happy as a man, then that must be correct… When you left, the Holy Grandmother said you had been called away by Eldath to undergo a journey-”
El snorted in disgust, but Daniel continued. “Maybe you didn’t even know it, or maybe you’re right that it’s all a lie. But if the Holy Grandmother was right, then the insights you’ve had are right as well. Eldath wanted you to see what was wrong with the village so that it could be fixed.”
Daniel looked up, eyes no longer filled with doubt. “El, please return to the village. We need your guidance, now more than ever.”
El tried to hold Daniel’s gaze, to refuse with all his hatred for his family and their teachings. He tried, but he failed. He dropped his gaze, voice weak when he spoke.
“I… I’ll think about it.”
“I was beginning to believe there were no other followers of Eldath in this land…”
El turned at the words without thinking, instinct taking over. Hearing mention of Eldath was like hearing his own name, as much as he’d come to resent his relation to the goddess. His mind finally processed the words and his charming smile dropped before his eyes even landed on the one who’d spoken them.
El recognized the young man standing behind him -a human two heads shorter and at least five years younger. He’d begun his cleric training not long before El had left home. They’d spoken on occasion, although there had always been a distance. What was his name… Daniel, wasn’t it?
No, that couldn’t be right. El had to be mistaken. No one from El’s home should have traveled this far. They were an entire ocean and a county away. How could he encounter one of them here? The one thing he’d been able to trust was that the people of his village never left, never traveled… That life was behind him now.
Daniel had been speaking this whole time, but El had heard none of it. He finally focused on the young man’s trembling voice as he noticed Daniel was crying now, drawing the attention of those passing by. El glanced around, a sense of panic building in his chest. He couldn’t let anyone else know about his past, not even the strangers on the street.
“What has happened to you? Your halos are shattered and your skin… No-”
“Do not say that name,” El cut him off, voice sharp. Daniel flinched, staring up at El in shock. El took a deep inhale, glancing around once more, before looking back at Daniel. The cleric watched him silently, still crying.
“Are you staying in the city? I’d like to talk in private,” El finally prompted, voice gentler this time.
Daniel took a moment to process, before he nodded his head. “Yes, I’m staying nearby with two other Eldathians. We were sent to find you. Oh, it’s horrible, No- I mean- Well, the Holy Grandmother… she-”
“Not here,” El shushed him, holding back a grimace at the mention of his grandmother. “We will talk in your room.”
“I apologize for the poor accommodations, Holy Daughter,” Daniel said, as he held the door open to a cramped attic room. He’d been babbling the entire trip to the dockside house, mostly about his dismay over the lack of Eldath worshippers in Waterdeep. It was exhausting. None of it had been as exhausting as hearing that wretched title though, even if it was only because El had stopped him from using his old name.
“Do not refer to me by title,” El sighed, entering the room. “I go by El now… El e’ Therai. He/him pronouns.”
El turned around, bracing himself for Daniel’s reaction. The cleric stared at him in confusion, hand still on the door he’d just shut, unable to make sense of what El had said. El had to look away, a sense of shame washing over him. How could he have abandoned everything the way he had? Abandoned his purpose, the people who respected him.. Abandoned even his identity.
Anger quickly replaced the shame. He had nothing to be ashamed of! He was living his life true to himself! He had never been the Holy Daughter, or a holy anything for that matter, nevermind his gender. He was happy now. What did it matter if it shook this foolish worshiper of his ancestor? In fact, wasn’t it good for this man to get a shock? That entire village needed to be shaken up a bit-
“I do not understand,” Daniel finally spoke, voice soft and beseeching. “You’ve changed your name and… you’re referring to yourself as if you are a man? What has happened to you, No- …What has happened to you?”
El sighed, leaning against a table. His anger was quickly slipping away, leaving behind exhaustion. Daniel didn’t deserve his anger. He was just another fool who’d been manipulated by El’s family.
“Daniel… that is your name, correct?” El paused long enough to confirm before continuing. “Okay, Daniel, this may be hard for you, but the truth is the whole Holy Grandmother, Mother, and Daughter thing is utter bullshit. The only reason my family has been having magic births is because they perform a ritual for it, not some blessing from Eldath. It’s all fake.”
Daniel frowned, still hovering at the door. His hands shakily grasped at the pendant of Eldath he wore on a chain, as if it would provide him some guidance. El focused his gaze on those hands, partly because he didn’t want to look at Daniel’s face, but mostly to ensure he wasn’t casting a spell. There was no sign of magic though, just a trembling hand seeking reassurance.
“I… I don’t know if I understand. Why does it being a ritual change anything? You are still the descendants of the Green Mother. You still carry her message and her will.”
El groaned in frustration. “It matters because everything else is as artificial as my birth! As this fucking body! I was only given a female body because one of my ancestors decided that we must all have a female body to resemble Eldath! That’s why we all look identical and… Ugh, I don’t even have genitals? How fucked up is that? All because my family decided we must maintain this perfect holy image!”
Daniel stared at El, heart aching at the tears in the aasimar’s eyes. After a moment he finally spoke up, voice still weak. “Is… Is this why you’re calling yourself a… him now?”
“No!” El snapped, wiping at his eyes angrily. “Well, maybe? I don’t know… When I left home, I started realizing I didn’t need to live the way mother and grandmother taught me to. At first I think I began living as a man to spite them, but I realized it felt right. I’m hardly the first person raised as a girl to realize I’m actually a man, you realize. Well, maybe you don’t. That wasn’t really a thing anyone stopped to consider back home…”
El trailed off, not knowing what more to say. Daniel finally moved away from the door, slowly approaching the table. El watched him, hands gripping the edge of the table tightly. Finally, Daniel stopped beside El, leaning against the table as well. He gazed at the floor, expression thoughtful.
“I don’t fully understand, but if you are happy as a man, then that must be correct… When you left, the Holy Grandmother said you had been called away by Eldath to undergo a journey-”
El snorted in disgust, but Daniel continued. “Maybe you didn’t even know it, or maybe you’re right that it’s all a lie. But if the Holy Grandmother was right, then the insights you’ve had are right as well. Eldath wanted you to see what was wrong with the village so that it could be fixed.”
Daniel looked up, eyes no longer filled with doubt. “El, please return to the village. We need your guidance, now more than ever.”
El tried to hold Daniel’s gaze, to refuse with all his hatred for his family and their teachings. He tried, but he failed. He dropped his gaze, voice weak when he spoke.
“I… I’ll think about it.”