Journal My current first-hand experience with sever Anxiety

[daesung]

fml, i dont even know why im writing this. i guess i really just need a breather. so here we go i guess.

im gonna start with sunday night, of april 30th (recent ig), the day i went to skateworld in gresham, oregon with my friends. jillian's family is like my second family to me. ive known them for the longest time and we are 100% comfortable with eachother. suddenly, over the intercom, jillian's name comes up. "from devin, to jillian... 'i saw you once, and now im in love'"
of course i freaked out because this was hilarious! she got a rose too! i was so jealous. i wished my boyfriend would get me a rose. lmao im joking. but someone in that arena was in love with her!
turns out some really cute brunette was trying to hook jill up with his black friend, devin. i thought devin was exceptionally cute, also. i found myself in deep envy.
i was happy for jill too! the reason why im putting this in here is to come soon

so now we go back further to friday night, april 28. this was my to-be-aunt's birthday party. me and jill were also hanging out there again. we stayed until 23:30* or something like that. (*or 11:30PM to some americans). in that course of the night, i was exceptionally drunk. my family is 75% mexican, and we had those DELICIOUS corona beers from mexico. i had to get wasted off of it. me and jillian decided to grab 6 bottles, three for each, and drink them all at once in the back of the house. she was barely affected by the alcohol, but me? i reeked of it, and i was completely shit-headed. i lost every piece of anxiety i had. i decked out my uncle's coworker's car because he was late, took 70% of the candy from the broken piñata because i laid on it, and then not to mention i stuffed 3 people's faces in the cake. now im lucky i dont have a permit, because we went home with my mom tired, and me drunk.

saturday morning, april 29th, i had a sleepover with jillian, and i am COMPLETELY hungover. my head hurts, im sore, i feel like im gonna puke. but you know, it felt good to be honest.
jill had extra beer she took, and while she was asleep, i gave myself a few rounds and went back to bed.
i wake back up at 12:00 (noon) and jill has been trying to get me awake for hours. she saw the empty beer cans on the roof.

i just need to rant tbh. im sick and tired of people telling me what to do and what not to do. i dont like being bossed around

i dont know why i decided to drink. i dont know why i decided to be like this. i dont even know where to begin on all my points of stress.

all my life i had no dad, and it seems like everyone is out to get me. i cant do this anymore, to be honest. ive started drinking, and being... active (in that way) with my boyfriend. im 14! why am i doing this? i have no goddamn clue


sorry for the long post, heres a potato

 

[Hall Kervean]

My first question is kind of frivolous: I don't see the connection to your first story about Saturday and the other one. Sorry, but I mean if it's important... yeah.
Second question: Do you have absolutely no clue? Because I thought you were giving reasons earlier. Like how everyone was out to get you.
Third question: Why don't you like being bossed around? No offense, but there's a good chance the person instructing you has knowledge you don't.
If you don't want to answer them, that's fine, as long as you think about them. Or at least the last two.

 

[daesung]

My first question is kind of frivolous: I don't see the connection to your first story about Saturday and the other one. Sorry, but I mean if it's important... yeah.
Second question: Do you have absolutely no clue? Because I thought you were giving reasons earlier. Like how everyone was out to get you.
Third question: Why don't you like being bossed around? No offense, but there's a good chance the person instructing you has knowledge you don't.
If you don't want to answer them, that's fine, as long as you think about them. Or at least the last two.

This thread was mostly for the people who read my last thread about my stepdad, and my family. If you'd like the link, then ask me.
Otherwise, I understand your questions. But it seems to me that "everyone is out to get me" can't be seen as a valid reason, becuse i have friends, therefore its a strange stresser. And I asked "why do i drink" because i really dont know why. I was able to handle it earlier. But why now?
A person like me, whose a leader and very much the aggressor, does not like being pushed around by people. Im talking about people who decide to openly make remarks about my own interests. And when people give me knowledge that i dont know, its my fault that i take it so personally because of how harsh my mom has always been to me. You know very little, but you know alot in some cases. And your questions are valid, hence why i answered them. But... this thread popped up for my reasons.

(Btw. I forgot to answer the first question.
I added the Saturday story because it was kind of a aftermath of the mistake I made. Some would praise me for it, but it was truly a mistake of my own. I drank because my grandma taught me how to take your depression quietly)

 

[Silverbane]

I actually understand your story allot more than perhaps one would think. And I'm...what...you're 14? So 11 years give or take older than you. Trust me, there are allot better ways that drinking, than other things.

I never had a dad when I was growing up, I don't even know his name. If I talked to him face to face I would never for a second guess that this person is my father, it's something I made peace with very early in my life. My mom was harsh with me, down right angry and half abusive most my life. Everything was reason for her to be upset with me. She cared enough though to make me focus on school, put myself on track. Though at the time I thought she just wanted to make me suffer, that she enjoyed yelling at me and making a scene of how much of a fuck up I was.

When I left I joined the army, did my thing, went though..well allot. That isn't the point of this thread.

The point is that there are those that can understand what you feel, what you go through. If you feel like venting, drop me a message if that is something you want to do. Life is tricky, the answers are only really clear well after the fact. We never know till it's way to late. Be frustrated, be upset, be anxious, be whatever you are, just don't let it make you a worst person.