InactiveCoffee
Inactive
Warning: This is probably going to sound super negative, but that's currently where my mind is... consumed by negativity...
So, to begin...
I am 24 years old. I have a 5 year old little girl. I have been married since I was 19 to the same guy that I dated for 3 years previous. Putting me at 16, just having entered high school. I met this guy, felt as though I fell in love... got married and had one kid. It's a dream come true, right? He was my high school sweetheart. My first in so many ways.
Yet as I look beyond all the fluff that I once felt for him, I find that my attraction is empty. I don't like who he is now. I don't like what he's become. He has been through so many hardships, but yet at the same time, he has put me through just as many.
I am a social butterfly. I love being around people, regardless if I have someone to talk to or not. I just like being around people. Yet, he had always hated large crowds. Because of this, and my guilt over leaving him alone, I stopped talking to friends. Who in turn stopped talking to me because they didn't like him. He was an asshole, plain and simple when he did deal with people.
I stopped going to ceremony (I am Native American) because he didn't like being out there with the crowd of people. He didn't like them telling him he should get a job, that he should take care of things. That he should be an adult. So I lost touch with everything I once knew. Everything that was a part of me. That made me who I was.
He began to eavesdrop on everything I talked about to anyone. He would try to dictate what I said to who. He tried to dictate where I could go, and how long I could be out. But he would never do so outright. It was always subtle. He's hint at how it upset him, or worried him, or whatever his reasoning. Until a point where I gave up trying. I gave up trying to go out and be part of the world.
I was the perfect stay at home wife and mother. I stayed home, I didn't complain, I cleaned, I cooked. I even was waiting in the... *ahem* whenever he wished. It became an obligation to please him. And heaven forbid that he became upset. Then the emotional torture really began.
See, never once did he lay a hand on me. I am thankful for that. He never physically hurt me. But boy did he fuck with my mind.
Now, I have finally gotten away from him. I am working on a divorce, and he's miraculously being civil about the subject. He's not arguing, he's not fighting. He's just there. Like an old friend. With the exception that he won't stop talking about "the possibility that if things go well" he'll "have me back" and I can't bring myself to say "fuck no. I'm done." when I know I should.
I'm sitting here... in my grandfather's room... staring at the ceiling. I'm alone. Literally. I feel utterly alone and broken. I almost can't function without some constant presence... that's what I've been used to for the last 6 years. I've managed to make 3 friends. A married couple that lives 40 minutes away from me, and 1 friend that lives in the next state over.
I've attempted to contact old friends in my area, but they seem to want nothing to do with me anymore. And looking back on high school, I probably shouldn't keep trying. I've been a door mat most my life. All the friends I once thought were the best things in the world had only ever come to me when they needed something. When they needed to be told their lives weren't the horrible shit holes they thought they were. When they needed a ride somewhere.
And now, here I am. I'm the one who needs a shoulder to cry on. Someone to hug me and tell me my life isn't a horrible shit hole. And no one is there.
To top it off, I'm suffering major anxiety in both making new friends and talking to the only 3 I've made. I don't want to be a bother, I don't want to burden them and drive them away cause I'm to needy or to depressing.
There is so much going through my head right now, and I don't even know where to begin to figure it all out. I'm scared, I'm confused, I'm alone... and I don't even know where to begin to figure out who I am. Because all I've known is being a Narcissists' personal high. I was his drug. I doted on him, I gave into his whims.
I can't even bring myself to text my 3 friends and tell them I really need someone right now. I can't even message the amazing people here on RpN who have told me if I needed to talk I could message them...
I feel as though I'm drowning. That I'm still that 16 year old girl who got washed away to sea and there is no land in sight.
It's gotten so bad that I don't even know if I can be a mom to my daughter, and that tears at me so hard that it's worse than anything else.
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to move forward. I'm stuck in time and yet the clock keeps turning.
I don't know anymore..... or maybe I never knew in the first place.
...I'll end it there, cause I don't know what else to write without sounding repetitive.
So, to begin...
I am 24 years old. I have a 5 year old little girl. I have been married since I was 19 to the same guy that I dated for 3 years previous. Putting me at 16, just having entered high school. I met this guy, felt as though I fell in love... got married and had one kid. It's a dream come true, right? He was my high school sweetheart. My first in so many ways.
Yet as I look beyond all the fluff that I once felt for him, I find that my attraction is empty. I don't like who he is now. I don't like what he's become. He has been through so many hardships, but yet at the same time, he has put me through just as many.
I am a social butterfly. I love being around people, regardless if I have someone to talk to or not. I just like being around people. Yet, he had always hated large crowds. Because of this, and my guilt over leaving him alone, I stopped talking to friends. Who in turn stopped talking to me because they didn't like him. He was an asshole, plain and simple when he did deal with people.
I stopped going to ceremony (I am Native American) because he didn't like being out there with the crowd of people. He didn't like them telling him he should get a job, that he should take care of things. That he should be an adult. So I lost touch with everything I once knew. Everything that was a part of me. That made me who I was.
He began to eavesdrop on everything I talked about to anyone. He would try to dictate what I said to who. He tried to dictate where I could go, and how long I could be out. But he would never do so outright. It was always subtle. He's hint at how it upset him, or worried him, or whatever his reasoning. Until a point where I gave up trying. I gave up trying to go out and be part of the world.
I was the perfect stay at home wife and mother. I stayed home, I didn't complain, I cleaned, I cooked. I even was waiting in the... *ahem* whenever he wished. It became an obligation to please him. And heaven forbid that he became upset. Then the emotional torture really began.
See, never once did he lay a hand on me. I am thankful for that. He never physically hurt me. But boy did he fuck with my mind.
Now, I have finally gotten away from him. I am working on a divorce, and he's miraculously being civil about the subject. He's not arguing, he's not fighting. He's just there. Like an old friend. With the exception that he won't stop talking about "the possibility that if things go well" he'll "have me back" and I can't bring myself to say "fuck no. I'm done." when I know I should.
I'm sitting here... in my grandfather's room... staring at the ceiling. I'm alone. Literally. I feel utterly alone and broken. I almost can't function without some constant presence... that's what I've been used to for the last 6 years. I've managed to make 3 friends. A married couple that lives 40 minutes away from me, and 1 friend that lives in the next state over.
I've attempted to contact old friends in my area, but they seem to want nothing to do with me anymore. And looking back on high school, I probably shouldn't keep trying. I've been a door mat most my life. All the friends I once thought were the best things in the world had only ever come to me when they needed something. When they needed to be told their lives weren't the horrible shit holes they thought they were. When they needed a ride somewhere.
And now, here I am. I'm the one who needs a shoulder to cry on. Someone to hug me and tell me my life isn't a horrible shit hole. And no one is there.
To top it off, I'm suffering major anxiety in both making new friends and talking to the only 3 I've made. I don't want to be a bother, I don't want to burden them and drive them away cause I'm to needy or to depressing.
There is so much going through my head right now, and I don't even know where to begin to figure it all out. I'm scared, I'm confused, I'm alone... and I don't even know where to begin to figure out who I am. Because all I've known is being a Narcissists' personal high. I was his drug. I doted on him, I gave into his whims.
I can't even bring myself to text my 3 friends and tell them I really need someone right now. I can't even message the amazing people here on RpN who have told me if I needed to talk I could message them...
I feel as though I'm drowning. That I'm still that 16 year old girl who got washed away to sea and there is no land in sight.
It's gotten so bad that I don't even know if I can be a mom to my daughter, and that tears at me so hard that it's worse than anything else.
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to move forward. I'm stuck in time and yet the clock keeps turning.
I don't know anymore..... or maybe I never knew in the first place.
...I'll end it there, cause I don't know what else to write without sounding repetitive.
