Experiences Is being ghosted on this site a normal thing?

[rae2nerdy]

I don't get deeply upset over ghosting. I know it happens a ton, and I pretty much shrug it off when it happens. But it's nicer in my opinion to let people know you want to leave an RP. I try my best to consider other people's feelings, so I deeply appreciate it when someone does the same for me, tells me they're leaving rather than just vanishing off the face of the earth.

The problem is the people who are leaving are ALSO trying to think of your feelings. They are just a lot more insecure than you and thus to them "thinking of Potato's feelings" means "not saying anything that will hurt Potato's feelings and make them mad".

Like they don't think of it as being rude they think of it as sparing your feelings and avoiding conflict. And you telling them that it hurts your feelings when they actually do leave isn't going to change that. Because insecurity and anxiety are not exactly rational emotions.

I used to have severe social anxiety so I do understand where they're coming from with this. It used to make me so upset I would actually leave a website for a few hours whenever someone told me they didn't want to roleplay with me. And they weren't even being mean or anything about it, in hindsight they were doing their best to spare my feelings. But that didn't matter because my feelings still got hurt.

And I think a lot of the same thing happens now with ghosting. Both sides are trying desperately not to give offense but because they are at very different socialization levels their idea of what "hurts feelings" is very different. And again even being upfront isn't going to necessarily bridge the communication gap. As a lot of people are just going to go forward with their own interpretation of how THEY would feel in a situation and not necessarily how the other person TELLS them they feel in a situation. Again it's that socialization issue. It's hard for some people to put themselves in other people's shoes. It doesn't mean they are deliberately being rude. It just means they haven't quiet gotten that level of social savy yet.

(edited for clarity)

 

[Kylesar1]

From the entire time I've been on this site, I've only ghosted 4-6 times out of probably a hundred RPs. I rarely ever ghost, so I have zero guilt when I do.

I ghost only when the RP is just so fucking bad, I'm too pissed to give it or the partner any more time of day. I'm talking only when my partner is putting so little effort into the RP that it's just not worth it. Cut all ties with them

My standards for RP is INSANELY low. I can RP pretty much anything with anyone about anything that contains any theme and any content. I give it my all on everything. It sucks when you work together to build this world up, only to realize that you weren't actually working together. They just want to be dragged along in the RP and do little more than react to what you put together. I just can't do it.

I've been ghosted a few times. Whatever.

 

[HiddenLeafNinja]

I know this is going to sound weird, but I’m actually glad that I’m not alone in this. I seriously thought I was the only one that has been ghosted on multiple occasions until I saw this forum. It makes me feel better to know that this problem is common.

 

[Necromantic]

ive both been ghosted and ghosted people. as somebody who cant manage to say when he doesnt want to do something, i understand that saying nothing is sometimes the only thing people can manage to do and am very forgiving about being ghosted. honestly, id find it easier to bite my own thumb off than look at somebody and say "im not enjoying this anymore". generally, ill just poke my partner after a week or so and dont bother them again unless they reply to the roleplay. if i was really interested in the roleplay, they might get a second poke if they reply to me but dont continue the roleplay, but thats it. with most people ghosting is nothing against you, but the best your partner can do to say "i dont want to".

 

[GreatSaiyaman31]

Love the topic everyone! So I have question that I'm looking for everyone's opinion on. How long should someone wait to determine if someone ghosted or just got busy? For example I have one rp that we (my partner and I) haven't gotten very far into. Partner hasn't spoken or replied since end of December. I've sent at least 3 messages in pm tagging their username to try and get their attention but so far it has been over a week since the original message looking for a response and January is almost over.

 

[rae2nerdy]

Love the topic everyone! So I have question that I'm looking for everyone's opinion on. How long should someone wait to determine if someone ghosted or just got busy? For example I have one rp that we (my partner and I) haven't gotten very far into. Partner hasn't spoken or replied since end of December. I've sent at least 3 messages in pm tagging their username to try and get their attention but so far it has been over a week since the original message looking for a response and January is almost over.

So here is what I do. I wait for one post cycle to go through before sending ONE message. I will wait between three days and a week for a response. Mostly depending on how busy the person told me they were in real life at the start of the roleplay.

If it’s a pitch I wait four days and then leave the conversation.

Post Cycle = how many times you post for roleplay. So if you post once a day you wait a day and send a message. If you post once a week than you wait a week.

Pitch = when I or someone else is just pitching an idea for a roleplay.


The key thing to remember is you only send ONE message. Maybe two if you think the person might be busy.

But the second one should just be “Hi this roleplay is on hiatus, if you want to start it up later just message me when you get back.”

 

[GreatSaiyaman31]

We were responding multiple times a week and like I said its been almost a month. So I'm assuming I should just move on? I could understand a week or a few days past that maybe say for like a vacation. I don't expect my partners to tell me every little detail about their lives. Or really busy between work and/or school. I get it. I worked full time while attending college myself. But it would be nice if they messaged saying that they were going to be busy before the disappearance like others have said.

 

[MechanicalSnake]

We were responding multiple times a week and like I said its been almost a month. So I'm assuming I should just move on? I could understand a week or a few days past that maybe say for like a vacation. I don't expect my partners to tell me every little detail about their lives. Or really busy between work and/or school. I get it. I worked full time while attending college myself. But it would be nice if they messaged saying that they were going to be busy before the disappearance like others have said.

I would say in your case you have clearly been ghosted. Sometimes it is difficult to understand, why someone ghosted you if they have been contributing so much into the RP! Like me, I've recently been ghosted by a person who, JUST before ghosting, was making beautiful fanart of our chars and telling me how happy she was about the game. Unfortunately, it still happens!

My approach is a bit similar to middleagedgeek's. If they haven't posted in the expected time (if it was a roleplay with daily posts, then two days, not immediately the first day without traffic), I write them a message asking is everything okay. I then send another message in a week, usually saying to let me know if they do not wanna play anymore or if they're just busy, in which case I'll wait and understand.
If they don't answer after that, I will either a) not contact them anymore and consider it done and gone, or if I really loved the RP then b) write them another week or so later and say that if they got wrapped up in some real life issues and return to the site later, they may feel free to let me know and we can pick it up again.

 

[PhoenixMire]

We were responding multiple times a week and like I said its been almost a month. So I'm assuming I should just move on? I could understand a week or a few days past that maybe say for like a vacation. I don't expect my partners to tell me every little detail about their lives. Or really busy between work and/or school. I get it. I worked full time while attending college myself. But it would be nice if they messaged saying that they were going to be busy before the disappearance like others have said.

I totally agree, I appreciate it when people let me know they're going to vanish before they do so, but I understand that doesn't always happen and I usually shrug it off.
If it's been that long, then I'd assume they've ghosted you, and move on. If they happen to come back and ask to continue it, then hey, I guess that's a pleasant surprise?? But since that might not happen, I'd just assume the RP's over with.

 

[MechanicalSnake]

That being said I feel I should add that it only happened to me ONCE that someone came back after like a month. And they had been gone because someone in the family had a car accident and obviously for some time coming here and explaining was not their highest priority.

 

[MechanicalSnake]

You sound measured in how you cut things off. Seems fair to me overall.

Your point about the real life obligation thing triggers me lol. Having flashbacks, hand is shaking.

Mainly because it is used so often by people that are just lying. Obviously it happens but I'll have people that post three times a day for a week go ghost for the next week. I tag them, asking what's up and they pop up in the discord or OOC like "Busy with homework, don't feel like catching up with all the new posts, sorry guys"

Now Ive just become paranoid. I see "real life obligations" anywhere in someone's post and I automatically assume they're dropping out of boredom.

That, however, is not reasonable at all. Okay, some people definitely lie, but the thing is life is perpetually in motion and things do change from week to week.
Me, for instance: I love writing. I work as a freelancer. I like to travel. I have a steampunk band. All those things together result in huge inconsistency:
- sometimes I don't have many work obligations, since I don't have regular working hours, and I can post five times a day - but then I have three huge deadlines in a week, and that week, I'll get one post in
- sometimes I'm sitting on my ass at home, but then I'm travelling with the band/for vacation and I don't feel like RPing in a car, hotel room or just plain drunk
- this can be true for anybody: for instance students are basically doing nothing, then they take a job to earn money for a week or two, then a lot of nothing, then no time due to exam period

So I think when someone is busy with homework one week and free the next week, it's totally legit. I expect people to understand that and I let them do the same, because there is nothing worse than when youre working like crazy, knowing you're late on your deadline, and someone is guiltripping you with "but where is my post, usually you post by now, will you be posting today".

 

[rae2nerdy]

We were responding multiple times a week and like I said its been almost a month. So I'm assuming I should just move on? I could understand a week or a few days past that maybe say for like a vacation. I don't expect my partners to tell me every little detail about their lives. Or really busy between work and/or school. I get it. I worked full time while attending college myself. But it would be nice if they messaged saying that they were going to be busy before the disappearance like others have said.

Definately. As I said if you are in an active roleplay than a week would be the longest I wait before just putting the roleplay on hiatus and sending them an update saying "The roleplay is one hiatus, if you want to start it up again when you aren't busy let me know."

I would send this with the full expectation that you won't ever hear from this person again. I think maybe twice I have had someone contact me after putting the roleplay on hiatus. Once the person had a death in the family. The second time they had gotten caught up in finals and where not able to get online until after they were finished.

But I would wait no more than a week before looking for new partners if your roleplay is very active. If it is a slow moving roleplay (mine mostly average maybe two posts a week) than I would wait no more than two weeks. After month you have waited too long.

 

[MechanicalSnake]

Whereas I have people tell me their family members are dying/died. Or like their internet is out, they are on vacation, they have finals or long shifts.

I find in general for them to be telling the truth. At least I hope they aren’t lying about death in the family.

I think OOC chat helps though. I am a very friendly person and talk to my partners a lot about what is going on in my life, my post progress, and when I am just plain not feeling something.

They mostly don’t reciprocate but I have found they are more likely to be open about things holding them up or roleplay concerns. Because they know I’m pretty easy going and god knows I keep them up to date so it’s not like I mind if something is a little late or helping them out if they are stuck.

There is much truth to this post.
Also, I ghosted a lot of RPs when my mother got cancer (ironically, it was the only time I had a lot of RPs ). But everyone with whom Ive chatted ooc got a truthful explanation and I did return to all of those RPs. The ghosted ones were all new RPs with individuals who didn't exchange an OOC word with me since the start and I didn't feel like sharing my emotional state with them at the time or dealing with them at all. So from personal experience this can make a huge difference.

 

[MechanicalSnake]

Again: that’s subjective. You’re saying it like it’s a fact. “It is just politeness”, “they’re not clingy”. On my side of the story, they are very clingy. And you have solidifed that they are also overly invested. Y’all get THAT into it? Checking back and getting your feelings hurt? BIG yikes from me, dawg.

It -is- a fact that dropping out of anything, even a hobby activity, where another person is concerned, should come with an excuse, even if it is just "sorry, I will not be doing this anymore. It -is- common politeness. When you are invited to a party and decide not to come, it's polite to let them know. If you are in a sport team, singing choir or simply joining your friends for a trip, again it is polite to say you are no longer interested in pursuing that activity. Heck even if you are involved in a bookclub or knitting event, it is polite to say it lost its appeal for you rather than just never come back. The SOLE reason why people think it acceptable to drop someone in an online activity is that it is easy , because you are unlikely to see the people you've just disappointed in person.

 

[Yog-Sothoth]

The writer in me can't help but to appriciate the great irony in the fact that; just a few short days after I made this thread I practically disappeared off the face of the Earth and essentially ghosted everyone I was talking to about 1x1 rp. So now I can speak from experience in reguards why sometimes people ghost....as the "ghoster". It's been a rough bunch of months, first my father had a stroke that temperily rendered him unable to walk, talk, or feed himself. As the only one of my siblings who lived in the same city, if fell upon me to visit him in the hospital and the nursing home rehab center most of the time. He fortunately made a near complete recovery able to enjoy the last months of his life with the full benefit of his capacities before he passed away. And some other more minor but still horrible and stress inducing things went down. One example of such anxiety amplifying minuta is the fact that my stalker has several accounts on this forum. But you know what? I ain't letting him ruin my fun.

So either 1) The pervial fecies has hit the fan or, 2) something has amplified your partner's anxiety to the point that can't even speak to you about dropping your rp, or that they need to put it on hold.

WIth that being said I think I might PM the people I *poofed* on and apologize, but if my anxiety wins out over my shame and you're reading this. I'm very sorry. And you're welcome to contact me again. :/

I won't deny that. Especially considering the percentage of people on the site who have some form of anxiety. However, that is why I am saying you need to grow a degree of a backbone: Because either way it's going to happen. If you don't develop a tolerance and ways to cope with it, then it can drive you off roleplaying, ruin your experience etc...

Wise Words!