I Could Do Better

[Dusky]

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Author's Note

In the spirit of Halloween I've finally begun working on a short story that I've had the idea of for a while. This is just the first bit of it; it's definitely not finished. But I like it, and I'm excited about it, and I would welcome some feedback! I'm currently having a little trouble figuring out where I'm going with it. ^^; I also struggle to write in past tense, but the last few lines just don't ring quite the same way in present!


Some questions:
Does this come off as 3edgy5u?


Is Nicole's bland character off-putting, or does it help to accentuate the real star of the story, Chalice?


Does Chalice's mom's methodology seem believably bizarre, or contrived and outlandish?


Do you have an idea of the characters' ages? It's never really stated, but I hoped dialogue would get it across.


Lessee, these people might not mind giving me feedback?


@Silvertongued @Bone2pick @Grey @QuestingBeast @JayTee @Killigrew @simj22


I'm probably forgetting people whose advice I'd solicit so I'll just... be tagging more down the line.









I Could Do Better


Nicole didn’t like this time of year. The red paint, the cardboard knives - they all seemed to mock those who had known the real thing. What was more, her best friend Chalice always got grumpy when the leaves began to fall.

 


“Who the hell names their child Chalice, anyway?”

 


Nicole patiently listened to her friend rant, nodding sympathetically.

 


Chalice rolled her eyes and continued. “You think I could get a DNA test and find my dad? God, my mom was a fuck up.”

 


That’s an understatement, Nicole thought, but she would never say so aloud. “Maybe,” she hummed.

 


“All over TV screens. I didn’t even find out from a fucking human being, I just saw her on the news.” Chalice adopted a high, nasally voice. “‘Ruby Montgomery is the Tickle Monster.’ You know what? That’s the worst part.”

 


Nicole sat quietly, then realized Chalice was looking at her, waiting for a response. “What’s the worst part?”

 


Grinning mirthlessly, Chalice continued. “Well it wasn’t finding out from the TV. It wasn’t even the way people treated me at school. It wasn’t even finding out my mother was a serial killer. It was her fucking nickname.”

 


Nicole squirmed with discomfort. Chalice glanced at her and almost looked amused. “What? My mom’s a serial killer. You remember that. It’s not like it’s news to you.”

 


“N-no, I know,” Nicole stammered. “It’s just… it was a while ago and…”

 


Chalice snorted. “Yeah, yeah. Five years. But the anniversary’s coming up.”

 


For a moment, Nicole thought she was done, but then the mad glint came back to her friend’s eye.

 


“The Tickle Monster. The Tickle Monster. She broke into people’s homes, tickled them senseless, then cut their throats. The last thing any of her victims did was laugh at her. She was a joke.” Abruptly, Chalice stopped wearing her bedroom floor down with energized pacing and stood in front of the black window, staring at the night. She muttered something under her breath and Nicole almost stopped breathing.

 


“What?” Nicole asked timorously.

 


Chalice shook her head. “Nothing.”

But Nicole heard her. She was sure she heard her say, “I could do better.”

 

[Silvertongued]

They seem like interesting characters. I have to admit, I'm vaguely reminded of the film "Trick or Treat", you know, the one involving "Sam". Or the comic series called Hack/Slash, which ha a similar idea.

 

[jinkx]

I wasn't tagged in this but I'm a murderina (which I realise now sounds awful out of context) so I'm gonna talk about Chalice. Firstly, it seems like her motivation is more of a strive to prove herself than actual psychopathy/sociopathy. What I'm basically saying is that from what you've written it seems like she would probably have a moment of temporary insanity and eventually come to regret her actions. I don't think she'd be entirely unempathetic and that would be awful for her, though she'd never admit it, of course. She seems like she's angry at the world, her mom and probably herself- typical angst- due to her experiences and should eventually snap and confess her feelings to somebody. But those are just my thoughts. 


As for Nicole, you need to make sure that you flesh her out further into the story. It's okay for her to a little generic so that the reader can project themselves onto her but you've gotta to go into detail on the little things. Little bits of detail that make her more interesting. You know, give her a t-shirt with a band logo on it, state how she has a pile of comic books in her room; simple things like that will imply information about the character without patronising the reader. At some point, some kind of detail about her past with Chalice. It doesn't need to be long, just a short kind of "we met in high school during a math class because she was flicking bits of eraser at somebody" sort of thing. Most important thing is probably to state that Chalice befriend Nicole- establishes who is the more dominant in their relationship. 


But the premise is good, the writing style flows really well, and I'd definitely like to see a lot more of this. As for the questions, I can assure that I've read far weirder murder methods and I presumed they were late high school/college. Keep up the good work, mod-senpai!! ^.^

 

[Grey]

Does this come off as 3edgy5u?

Nope; it's delightfully classic.

Is Nicole's bland character off-putting, or does it help to accentuate the real star of the story, Chalice?

I think it wouldn't hurt to give her a little more texture, just so the reveal is less telegraphed. 

Does Chalice's mom's methodology seem believably bizarre, or contrived and outlandish?

This is the trickiest part, really.  It is highly unusual for female serial killers to use physical violence or kill total strangers. I'm sure there are cases, but they don't spring to mind; typically female killers employ poison and are either motived by self-interest or rationalize their pathology as mercy.


So while this honestly isn't too unbelievable, I think she'd have to target children.


I think it does make it clear that this is a Halloween story, in the old school sense.


Which is not a bad thing, just be aware of it.  

Do you have an idea of the characters' ages? It's never really stated, but I hoped dialogue would get it across.

I would guess mid-late teens?


Overall, I like it in concept and the execution is nearly there.  I think you can afford to cut it down and stretch it out, if you know what I mean?  You can cut some adjectives, make some lines more direct, and maybe have a framing situation.  Like, this conversation arises over some other minor conflict like a breakup or a Carrie-style spate of bullying or pranks. 


I think you could fake readers out by implying the ghost of Chalice's mom is lurking around them while they talk only for that nice little reveal to close it off. 


It might end up growing another thousand word if you take that tack, but do what seems right to you as you work on it. 

 

[Dusky]

Nope; it's delightfully classic.


I think it wouldn't hurt to give her a little more texture, just so the reveal is less telegraphed. 


This is the trickiest part, really.  It is highly unusual for female serial killers to use physical violence or kill total strangers. I'm sure there are cases, but they don't spring to mind; typically female killers employ poison and are either motived by self-interest or rationalize their pathology as mercy.


So while this honestly isn't too unbelievable, I think she'd have to target children.


I think it does make it clear that this is a Halloween story, in the old school sense.


Which is not a bad thing, just be aware of it.  


I would guess mid-late teens?


Overall, I like it in concept and the execution is nearly there.  I think you can afford to cut it down and stretch it out, if you know what I mean?  You can cut some adjectives, make some lines more direct, and maybe have a framing situation.  Like, this conversation arises over some other minor conflict like a breakup or a Carrie-style spate of bullying or pranks. 


I think you could fake readers out by implying the ghost of Chalice's mom is lurking around them while they talk only for that nice little reveal to close it off. 


It might end up growing another thousand word if you take that tack, but do what seems right to you as you work on it. 

It'll be growing, definitely! I have plans for Chalice, haha, I'm not just gonna leave it at her speculation.


I admit the idea was borne of a really bizarre daydream while at work. That's probably partly why it's so unusual, it was just one of those things where you sort of have to go, "Woah, brain, woah. Hold the fuck up, what are you on?"


I'll think about shifting her modus operandi around. Doesn't have to be as bloody as it is.

I wasn't tagged in this but I'm a murderina (which I realise now sounds awful out of context) so I'm gonna talk about Chalice. Firstly, it seems like her motivation is more of a strive to prove herself than actual psychopathy/sociopathy. What I'm basically saying is that from what you've written it seems like she would probably have a moment of temporary insanity and eventually come to regret her actions. I don't think she'd be entirely unempathetic and that would be awful for her, though she'd never admit it, of course. She seems like she's angry at the world, her mom and probably herself- typical angst- due to her experiences and should eventually snap and confess her feelings to somebody. But those are just my thoughts. 


As for Nicole, you need to make sure that you flesh her out further into the story. It's okay for her to a little generic so that the reader can project themselves onto her but you've gotta to go into detail on the little things. Little bits of detail that make her more interesting. You know, give her a t-shirt with a band logo on it, state how she has a pile of comic books in her room; simple things like that will imply information about the character without patronising the reader. At some point, some kind of detail about her past with Chalice. It doesn't need to be long, just a short kind of "we met in high school during a math class because she was flicking bits of eraser at somebody" sort of thing. Most important thing is probably to state that Chalice befriend Nicole- establishes who is the more dominant in their relationship. 


But the premise is good, the writing style flows really well, and I'd definitely like to see a lot more of this. As for the questions, I can assure that I've read far weirder murder methods and I presumed they were late high school/college. Keep up the good work, mod-senpai!! ^.^

Thanks for the feedback! It's good to know Nicole needs fleshing out, and the relationship between her and Chalice I didn't even think of expanding, so that's very helpful advice!

They seem like interesting characters. I have to admit, I'm vaguely reminded of the film "Trick or Treat", you know, the one involving "Sam". Or the comic series called Hack/Slash, which ha a similar idea.

You know, @KamiKahzy told me it reminded him of good old Mike Meyers, then promptly had to explain to me who that was. I don't know Trick or Treat or Hack/Slash, either. Clearly I need to educate myself.

 

[Dusky]

Oh, also, yeah they're around 16, ehehe.

 

[Grey]

Like 70% of my best work came out of daydream moments like that. 

 

[Bone2pick]

I appreciate a lot of it.  I'm a fan of handling topics that normally go down as gruesome only to show a character be shockingly cavalier with them.  It's simultaneously unnerving and charming, and you executed it well imo.


The characters served their purpose in their short scene: Chalice to command our attention and Nicole to be alarmed for us.  As to the mother's Tickle Monster identity and methods, I did digest them as being slightly contrived.  Maybe if I had more of the story, which might have cleared up my tone expections, I wouldn't have read them that way.  It's hard to say.


I love playful horror though, and I'm glad you tagged me.