Give Me Answer.

[Dawson Cross]

Floating just above these waves.


I try not to drown.


Can you please save what left of me?


Can you be my saver?


No one..


No comes.


No ships or sails in the sun set.


Now, floating alone in the blackest water, I close my gray eye.


Listening to the waves as my tears mix in.


Singing, " Shark's shark's. Can you answer me? I afraid and can not be alone. Will you stay for just a night?"


Please spare me.


Numbing the pain, while she away with another man.

 

[Talley Marks]

Wow, tears fluttered through my eyes. I hadn't a good poem in a while. Though if you don't a small critique I suggest a better flow between the words, it sounded a bit choppy. But when you much experience read poetry and correcting and all the things to know about poetry you know that it comes from your heart. words will just spill on the pages in such magically ways that why should I say them wrong. It is a beautiful poem. Do you mind if I shed my opinon or maybe the feelings that fluttered through me as I read the poem?

 

[Dawson Cross]

[QUOTE="Talley Marks]Wow, tears fluttered through my eyes. I hadn't a good poem in a while. Though if you don't a small critique I suggest a better flow between the words, it sounded a bit choppy. But when you much experience read poetry and correcting and all the things to know about poetry you know that it comes from your heart. words will just spill on the pages in such magically ways that why should I say them wrong. It is a beautiful poem. Do you mind if I shed my opinon or maybe the feelings that fluttered through me as I read the poem?

[/QUOTE]
No, I dont mind at all. It was to be "Choppy" Because the person I was writing about was floating on waves, which can be choppy so I thought it would give the edge of emotion. Thank you, for your kindness. I'm glad you followed my Poetry likable. It means alot to a writer such as myself.

 

[Grey]

Some syntactical errors, but those are secondary problems.


Word choice is overall poor, and it lacks a strong central metaphor - it's evocative, but in a way best described as nostalgic. The 'choppy' structure looks more like inexperience than a deliberate conceit - with better imagery and a core structure to be distorted, though, it'd be a good idea.

 

[Poe]

I think there's a lot of promise here -- Grey is right about it being evocative but you need to be a bit more deliberate in your word choice. You've got something to say which is clear and the basis of all writing, but I think what you need to focus on now is crafting it. When you write a poem, think about it like a sculpture -- you've got to get the basic shape before you really take a look at the details. What you've got here is that basic shape and by really pulling an image from it and adjusting the structure, it could be a very strong piece of writing. The most interesting bit of this is that last line where we're hit with the realization of what you're talking about -- use that to your advantage. Don't worry so much about sounding poetic, you should focus on what it is you're trying to convey.


It's okay to leave the audience with questions, but what is important is that they're the right questions. At the end of this poem, I'm left a little uneasy about how abrupt the ending is because it doesn't quite fit yet with your wave motif.


I also don't want any of this to come off as harsh, I would love to read more of your work because I believe there's a great amount of potential here. Keep posting and you'll only get better from here!