Deh Kitty iz a Poet!

[katisacat]

Feel Better

You know what I hear most often?
When I’m leaving school or work because the voices in my head get too loud for me to focus on anything other than the opportunities laid out so blatantly in front of me.

Feel better.
Feel better implies future, feel better implies temporary, feel better implies that this will go away that someday I’ll be able to say that I am okay.

Feel better implies sickness,
But this is not a sickness, this is not a fleeting invasion this is a disease, a chronic illness that handicaps my day and disables my future, that invades my brain like death driven bandits.

This is a plague.
A plague that has already claimed the lives of hundreds upon thousands, the young and the old, the innocent and the guilty, male or female it doesn’t matter, it’ll take anyone.

This is a holocaust.
What? You thought only people like Hitler could bring about a holocaust? We are living in a holocaust, and the worst part? Its army will take anyone, it has no standards of perfection like he did, no one is safe.

This is not a cry for attention.
I am not looking for someone to comfort me, I am not “just talking about it,” I am living it. When this is the 3rd leading cause of death for people ages 15-24, tell me were they crying for attention?

Were they told to feel better?
Were they told that things will get better? But you see things don’t get better, it doesn’t go away, it never goes away, it is always there, you can never truly feel better you can only cope, you can only sit by and watch those thoughts eat away at your brain, you can only hope, you can only latch onto the smallest of sticks, the tiniest of dreams, the dimmest rays of light, anything that will aid your survival. Because we don’t feel better… We only fight.

 

[katisacat]

A Description Of My Gender From a Genderless Female

I am a woman… At least that’s how you see me.
You see, there is no ‘choosing your gender’ in the eyes of a stranger
You are what they see you as and that is the fact
Saying you have no gender when you look like a woman just makes you seem… stranger.

It makes you seem like you’re saying you’re nothing,
It makes you seem like a fictional character,
Like an idea for a character in a story where you just haven’t chosen their identity yet…
It makes you seem confused.
Like you’re caught in the middle of a transition,
Stuck somewhere in the twilight zone of finding who you are in this life.

Look at it this way. A gender is a way to label yourself.
To stick a stigma patch on your arm, raise a stereotype over your head
So you have another box to fit in, another hoop to jump through,
Another way to define and confine yourself.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with having a gender.
I’m not saying you can’t be a boy or a girl, or genderfluid or bigender,
or if you’re still trying to figure it out because you know you are something.
That’s great for you.
If there’s a gender out there that perfectly describes what you are, then congratulations, really.
It’s just some of us aren’t so lucky.

Some of us don’t want to ‘fit into’ a gender.
Some of us don’t have a gender to fit into.
Some of us don’t have the right criteria
For some of us we are just… us.

And for some of us? That’s all we want to be.
We don’t want to be asked to choose a label.
We don’t want to try and define ourselves.
If you want to know who we are, then learn.
Interact with us, speak to us, listen to us,
Define us by who we are, not what we say we are.

So to the next person I tell that I have no gender.
Don’t think of me as confused, misguided, or as a person who thinks little of myself.
That’s simply not the case.
I am only, me.


When Depression Comes Back

When depression comes back, you feel shocked.
“What are you doing here? I thought you left!”
It shows up on your doorstep like an old, unwanted roommate.
One that you can’t say no to because it looks so pitiful standing out in the rain.

When depression comes back, you feel ashamed.
“I’ve been doing so good, how can I let myself fall back again?”
It feels like you’ve let everyone down.
Like everyone bought you the best presents only for you to call off the celebration.

When depression comes back, you feel hopeless.
“It just keeps coming back… I’ll never escape it.”
You’ve been working so hard, you’ve steadily filled your cup… and now it’s all empty again.
As empty as you were… when you filled your stomach with those pills.

When depression comes back, you feel nostalgic.
“Hello old friend…”
Something about it… is comforting.
Like finding a cold, dingy old blanket, smelling of dust and mold but feels just as soft and encompassing as it used to, when you lugged it around with you everywhere. Your security blanket…

When depression comes back, you stumble.
You drop things, you break things off, you brush your mess and mistakes under the rug.
You think back to all those moments, all those times you fucked up. You forget about the good, the progress, the beauty you felt.
You can only think about the memories that hurt. The images that sting. The thoughts… that brought grief.

When depression comes back, you fall.
You revert back into the you that was.
You tell everyone they’d be better off without you. You tell them you’re a burden. You apologize for speaking, for suffering, for existing, for being a mistake.
You wish that that mistake could be erased.

When depression comes back, you get back up.
You will dwell. You will yearn. You will want to pull out that security blanket.
But you will rinse out that cup and start filling it again.
You will prepare for a new celebration.
You will tell that unwanted roommate, who waltzed into YOUR home, ate YOUR food, does no housework and does not pay rent…
“Listen, this is my life, this is my body, and the way I keep it is my choice. So you better shape up, or ship out because when you come back, I won’t be opening the door.”

 

[katisacat]

Letters To....

People:
Dear Loners, Introverts, and Outcasts,
People don’t understand us, they don’t realize that just because we like being alone, that we enjoy their company. They don’t understand that just because we’re different, doesn’t mean we’re not good friends, colleagues, and allies. But don’t let them separate you. Don’t let them isolate you. You are amazing, you are the listeners, the thinkers, the planners, the helpers and the supporters. Everyone needs someone like us in their life.

Dear Artists, Musicians, and Generally Creative People,
We. Are. Role models. We are the people who make changes, we are the people who can make new out of the old, make beauty out of thin air. Sometimes our brains are a little too creative. Sometimes they lie to us, make things up to hurt us, make us see both the extreme hideousness in the world beside the beauty, and tell us that the hideousness is larger. But that is the price some of us must pay. All of the greatest minds of history have had this problem. Abraham Lincoln, Charles Dickens, Charles Darwin, Winston Churchill, Albert Einstein, even Buddha. Our brains are perceiving, they pick up on everything, and that comes with the price of our brains picking out the worst. But we are the role models of our generations. Use those powerful, perceiving minds. We all want to see what you have to offer.

Dear Past Friends,
Thank you. I know we don’t talk anymore. I know for some of you that’s completely my fault. But thank you. You’ve all helped me get through and you’ve all played an important part in my life. I will never forget any of you.

Dear Online Friends,
Why do you all have to live so far away!? I can’t afford a passport to fricken Narnia!

Systems:
Dear Society,
I would just like to inform you that just because a person has reached the age where you start calling them a ‘legal adult,’ it does not mean that they have their whole life figured out yet. So if said adult chooses to remain in a safe environment while they try to figure just that out, I would much appreciate it if you would not try and compare them to the ones who THINK they have it figured out and you have encouraged to head out on their own.

Dear Education System,
Since you are in charge of educating students about the realities of life, I’m sure you are aware that genetically, emotionally, and spiritually, that human beings are made very differently. Thus, presenting them all with the same criteria to get their degree is a very inefficient way to actually foster children to become educated, responsible, and capable adults.

Dear Bible,
Why do you have to be so contradictory? I mean, you tell your readers to love each other, then turn around and say things you need to stone your child for misbehaving, or that two men who love each other should be put to death. How does that work?

Dear Education System Part 2,
I would also like to point out that since it is your job to prepare children for their future, it is highly recommended that you focus on teaching students things that they will actually use in their day to day adult life. Examples might be replacing math’s imaginary numbers with how to balance a checkbook, replacing memorizing the specific dates and names of historical events with learning how politics work, or replacing writing essays on huge, ancient books with how to write a cover letter and self assessment essays. Just an idea…

Things:
Dear Brain,
Oh where do I start. How about this? I would like to ask that you exercise your decision making muscle please. Being indifferent all the time can be quite frustrating. Also would you mind shutting up after 11 PM, I understand you have a lot to talk about but please… I really need my sleep.

Dear Stomach,
You are bored, not hungry. I will give you popcorn, then shut up.

Dear Depression,
I am willing to give you accomodations. I am willing to even let you be a freeloader, but don’t start taking over the place when you don’t even pay rent.

Dear Animals,
STOP BEING SO DANG CUTE! It is not good for my heart since I can’t take you all home.

Dear Life,
Please get yourself in order.

Sincerely Yours - A Stressie

 

[NighttimeMadness]

Amazing poetry! Putting a human touch on such dark emotions.

 

[katisacat]

Amazing poetry! Putting a human touch on such dark emotions.

D'awww :3 tank you!

 

[katisacat]

(This is a much older poem but I still kinda like it)

Five Definitions of Education
Education, definition one.
The act or process of imparting or acquiring general knowledge, developing the powers of reasoning and judgment, and generally of preparing oneself or others intellectually for mature life.

‘Education is priceless,’ ‘education is key’
Yet your education makes the lock within me
The ongoing struggle to gain focus and interest
Learning is only valuable when it brings out our best.

And what is education? Is it knowledge withheld?
Is it memorizing dates and knowing how sailor is spelled?
Education teaches us to absorb what we’re told
And never to question what it is they withhold.

In history the dates are more important than the reasons
And learning how to prevent the ongoing treasons
In math we learn formulas we’ll never use in our lives
Instead of learning the equations to answer our drives.

In English we focus on making the format more complex
Instead of how to engage the reader with vocab that infects
Us with the desire to read even more,
It’s such a shame when a good story becomes a bore.

Education, I think, should have choice, chances,
Different ways for advances,
And yet due to circumstances
And supposed ‘enhances’
Choice and future no longer balances.

You see thinking, should be what we learn to do,
Not memorizing phrases for tests we need to get through,
What we learn in our class is virtually useless,
Because we don’t retain information that we find fruitless.

We should be learning to think and not to work,
We should learn to help and not to hurt,
We should learn that our lives are not something we can wait for
That our dreams are something we need to chase for.

But what if I don’t have a dream? Does that make me worthless?
Does not knowing my future mean that I’m helpless?
Does being a dreamer mean I can’t make a decision?
Does it mean I can’t make what I envision?

It’s as if you’re telling me that I am not alive right now,
That my life has yet to begin and so how
Am I supposed to believe that it will be worth anything
If what I’m feeling right now accounts for nothing?

The point of childhood is to prepare for your future, to prepare for your life.
You can be alive once you reach high school,
You’re alive when you reach college,
You’re alive when you have a steady job,
You’re alive when you have a family,
You’re alive when you have money,
You’re alive when you retire, NO!
I’ve been alive, since the day I was born.
Those days of discoveries.
Learning what foods I liked,
Making my first friends,
Getting coated in suntan lotion,
Health checkups,
Recess,
Gym injuries,
Nurses office,
Crashing on my bike as I learn to ride it.
I was alive, during all of these moments.
That was my life, this is my life, and this will be MY life.
I decide when my life begins.

Education, Definition two.
the act or process of imparting or acquiring particular knowledge or skills, as for a profession.

Jobs
Our lives are now governed societies rules
We don’t learn to think in modern schools
It’s like we’re learning to be tools
As we take our ‘teacher’s’ ridicules
Our foreheads may as well be written with ‘fools.’

Money is key to any success,
It’s the only way we know how to assess
Anything’s worth, so we continue to taper
Ourselves until everything is measured by a piece of paper.

Why? Why must I find a place to put in menial labor,
When my dream is simply to have good will with my neighbor,
To enjoy every moment as if it were my last,
To leave future for future and past for past.

When the world says no I want to say yes,
When they tell me I’m worthless I want to say I’m the best,
When they tell me I need to be something I’m not,
I want to say, “you just can’t handle something this hot.”

I don’t take orders well, I’m stubborn as a goat,
So why must I take orders from some self serving bloat,
Why should I deal with what the world tells me to do?
Should I just remain silent and stare at my shoes?

They tell me that I have to be this I have to be that,
Be skinnier,
Be smarter,
Think less,
Buy more,
Memorize,
Stereotype,
Be an object,
Listen to your superiors,
Don’t question.
Well you know what? Fuck you.

Education, definition three.
a degree, level, or kind of schooling

Schooling…
What use is a school that only misuses
It’s educational resources however it chooses
We must learn their way if we want to achieve
Anything and have money that we can receive.

If we learn in different ways and play different ballads
Then tell me why we’re all taught by the same methods,
We’re all different people with our own different drives
We have different ways to make our potentials rise.

But since our choice cannot be voiced
And our words cannot be heard
Because our actions are ‘distractions’
And our knowledge won’t be acknowledged
We cannot choose what we have to lose.

School is all about memorizing and reciting,
citing and writing,
listening without hearing,
looking without seeing,
repeating and ‘growing’
but not a single thought is ever heard.

Education, definition four.
the science or art of teaching; pedagogics.

Teachers, I ask, happiness, their happiness,
Is that factored into your math equation,
Is that word in your vocabulary lesson,
After your science presentation
And your history test is done
Tell me, are they learning one. thing?

Everyone needs a teacher to learn
But not every teacher is able to discern
The best teaching methods for that student
Sometimes giving up is the decision that’s most prudent.

They teach us to fight for what we believe
To never give up what we want to achieve
And yet when we speak out against the norm
It raises up chaos like fire storm.

So why…
Why am I forced to keep my identity secret
Why is it I’m forced to regret,
And rethink every decision I’ve made
As if I’m some idiot you’re trying to save…

Teaching is a wonderful thing and I can’t learn on my own,
but there is one teacher that we always must know.
Experience.
Mistakes,
Injury,
Hurt,
Shame,
Regret,
Forgetting,
Remembering,
Moving,
Thinking,
Doing,
Living.
These are necessary in any life.

Education, definition five.
The variation, of learning abilities.

They say going to school and getting a degree
Is one of life’s best opportunities
But it’s not an opportunity anymore
And what we really need is a cure.

Now this one goes to my Actors, Musicians, Poets,
You’re all beautiful and you know it,
Yet you can’t show it or you’ll blow it,
Because they don’t think it’s worth it if they don’t own it.

Learn through fun, and learn through interest
Because that’s the only way you can ever trust
That we actually retain what we want to know
Otherwise our abilities fall down like snow.

The needs of the past clash with the needs of today
And the needs of the future make our present fray
At the very seams of what we know is necessary
For us to achieve what we live for, to be happy.

Because when opportunity becomes necessity
And necessity becomes frivolity
And when frivolity demotes quality
Tell me, why is ability seen as absurdity?

There are so many things we can learn, so many ways we can learn,
So let us find for ourselves, what is our highest potential.
Working,
Trying,
Achieving,
Failing,
Jumping,
Running,
Chasing,
Dreaming,
Playing,
Performing,
Writing.
We all have our own abilities.

 

[katisacat]

The Other Side Of The Camera
On her side of the camera,
she sees her reflection in the lense.
She sees what the world sees,
small bodied, smooth haired, bright faced perfection.

She sees what the media sees,
an advertisement, a beautiful, perfectly carved statue,
with no inner depth perceived through this picture
she is no longer a person in the eyes of the man from the other side of the camera.

This world, focuses on the beauty captured in the lens of the camera.
But there is more than that side to the camera.
There is the boy, the boy in the man taking the picture
Who is screaming from inside telling himself.

REMEMBER YOUR FIRST PICTURE!
How it was sloppy, and shaky, and had a horrible backdrop.
And how you were so proud of it because of her.
Her smiling, laughing face, taught you that you knew you wanted to find true beauty
from your side of the camera.

And the mother, who’s children’s entire lives can be found in her photo album
Every memory that fades, cannot be entirely lost if you can look at it.
If you can see it through the plastic and know that this is her world.
Her whole world captured from her side of the camera.

And the child, the young child with their first toy camera,
Takes pictures of everything they see, and even what they don’t see,
But they know is there, the fairies and the dragons, the unicorns and the elves,
A world of imagination can be seen from their side of the camera.

Every Painting has an Artist,
Every Song has a Musician,
Every Book has a Writer,
Every Camera, has two sides.


(And this is what happens when a poet is also a video maker)

 

[katisacat]

Reasons I'm an Introvert.
1: I used to love going to school dances, I’d sit in the corner listening to the blaring music of songs I didn’t even like and watch the people dance while I got high off of pixie sticks, I felt like a part of something when I went, but I don’t go anymore, because people would keep trying to get me to chat and dance, why couldn’t they see I was fine?

2: I’d hang out with one of my two friends once every few weeks, that’s more than enough for me. I didn’t feel as if I were missing out on time with friends if I’d spend a weekend or day holed up in my room rather than going out to do things with my friends, it’s been hard to find friends who understand that.

3: I prefer the company of kids and animals to people my own age. I don’t have to act like someone I’m not, I’m not pressured to behave a certain way, I can be who I am without being judged. The younger the mind the more accepting the heart, corruption has yet to reach these innocent ones.

4: After I’ve had a day out with my friends I’ll be exhausted for at least the next three or four days. Like I was tossed in a tidal wave of emotions and bombarded with sounds that still ring in my ears two days after the fact.

5: I love to talk but I dread conversations. The expression I can portray when I step onto a stage is limitless as the stars in the sky that I so often look to when I find myself lost in a world of wonder. But when I’m asked to hold my own in a conversation I feel like I might be crushed under the pressure of trying to figure out what to say next.

6: And on that note I can’t do small talk but I’m always up for a deep meaningful discussion. How strange that the more thought that’s put into the reply the easier it is to express it. Trying to hold back any real depth in a conversation is like trying to hold back a pack of dogs while I let the metaphorical cat out of the bag. This is why I hate ordering food or chatting with my friends parents.

7: I’ll stay on my computer for hours talking to my friends from all over the world but when I have a simple conversation with a classmate I feel nervous and overwhelmed. When I don’t have to put on an act or be proper by facing my friends I can relax and enjoy the conversations we’re having, and I can fall silent whenever I want without being questioned.

8: My heart sinks when I’m told about a group project because I know I’ll just want to do everything myself. It’s not that I’ll feel that the others are incompetent but I’ll feel that I’m too incompetent when faced with coming up with ideas in a group discussion. I’ll fall silent and be unable to portray my thoughts on the project I’m supposed to be contributing to.

9: I hear “Are you ok?” and “Why are you so quiet?” on a regular basis. As if I can somehow portray with words the need to keep to myself and the fear I feel at every moment I have to be in a group, as if somehow any of my chatty classmates could understand the sense of foreboding I get when I’m asked these questions.

10: I answer these questions with, “I’m just tired” or “I’m just thinking” because it’s too complicated to explain that I’d rather listen and stay quiet then try to find a way to partake in the conversation, that just by being there I feel full enough of socializing to last me another week.

11: I prefer a quiet night at home to having a sleepover with good friends. It’s not that I don’t enjoy watching others have fun by playing mattress tetris in my living room or baking brownies and eating cookie dough. I just… REALLY… need my sleep.

12: I make up more conversations in my head than I have in real life. All the ‘what-ifs’ and ‘should I’s’ turning into countless hours of mental communication that no one else hears when in reality I will never have the guts to bring about any of these scenarios.

13: People think I hate them because I don’t talk to them. I don’t hate them, I just don’t know what to say. I’ll answer when they greet me and I’ll wave when they do but it takes much more courage than my small human mind can hold to take the initiative.

14: I sit alone, wanting human company but not wanting a conversation buddy, even though the ghosts in my head can keep me company for a while it just starts to hurt when I realize they’re not real. That the little alien I dream onto my shoulder or the boy from the woods that I feed are but daydreams to try to appease my desire for human interaction. But if I were to have someone real with me… I would have to fill the awkward silence that I’m so affiliated with with something.

15. I love being alone, but even I get lonely.

 

[ClaveVesari]

Love this thread. Keep it up up up. 

 

[katisacat]

Did You Know?

Did you know?
That the day you left me I became broken,
Because you stole a piece of my heart that I never wanted to give to you,
I guess that’s why you stole it.

Did you know?
That when you told me you loved me, I believed you.
When you told me we’d have a Halloween wedding, I believed you then too,
I guess the saying could be changed a bit, fool me once, shame on me, fool me twice, still shame on me.

Did you know?
That now any time that I happen to think of you I also remember her,
And her, and maybe another her that I didn’t know about.
I love how everyone saw it happening but no one bothered to tell me.

Did you know?
That now any time I happen to think of you I feel the need to go to Crisis again
But I won’t, I don’t want to give you that kind of power over me.

Did you know?
That whenever you cross my mind I feel a blazing rage towards you,
And towards myself.
I hate how you still hold so much power over me.

Did you know?
That whenever we drive past your house I have to force myself to not turn my head and look.
Wondering what your life must be like now,
How your siblings are... I feel sorry for them.

Did you know?
That I have not been able to have a serious relationship since?
Like you were a mechanic and ‘fixed’ the brakes on my heart so that I couldn’t unlock them.

Did you know?
That I, was innocent.
Like a newborn kitten you took me in,
Then abandoned me because I grew up.

Did you know?
That since you left I have felt lonelier,
Surrounded by friends I feel more isolated than I did before I even had anyone.
I guess love makes you greedy.

Did you know?
That when you told me you wanted to run away with me,
I was prepared? Prepared to leave everything in my life
Because at that time you were the most important thing I didn’t want to lose.

Did you know,
That I loved you?
I don’t want to admit it but I loved you.
I loved you enough to trust you would love me too,
Even when you saw my jealous side,
Even when I made you work to keep me,
Even when I ate like a pig,
Even when I complained,
Even when I was suicidal,
Even when your parents hated me,
Even when your friends and mine didn’t think we were a good match,
Even when we both had our problems.

And now all I can say is…
I’m sorry I took up so much of your time.

Friendless Friendlist
I didn’t get my first friend till the middle of my last year of middle school, till I was 13 years old.
Before that I was an outsider, an outcast.
I was the one that was invisible, the one that no one talked to because they were ‘weird.’
The one no one bothered to think had feelings.

I was the teacher’s favorite student, because I never spoke unless spoken to.
Because I was always on top of my reading list from my escapes from reality.
Because I never acted out or disrupted class.
Because I was a good child.

When I got my first friend, it felt like a miracle.
It felt like for the first time in my life I was worth something.
It felt like for the first time I was an important part of someone’s life.
It felt like someone didn’t want to lose me.

Because it was my first friend in all my 13 years of life, I was incredibly clingy.
But she didn’t care. She invited me to things and she laughed at my ‘weirdness.’
She was there when I tried to push away at first, because I wasn’t used to being appreciated.
She didn’t give up on me.

But… that was only one instance, one much too short of an instance.
She’s gone and I’ve never found someone else to make me feel like she did.
Everyone always talks about what love between a partner can do to you.
The trust that gets ripped away from you when you lose a lover.

But it can’t possibly compare to the loss you feel over a friend.
Someone you trusted with all your heart.
Someone you did everything with.
Someone you told everything to.
And when they’re gone, all that mistrust is back full force,
Except now you know how good it feels when you have someone you can love wholeheartedly.

If any of the people in my life were to hear this…
They’d be telling me how amazing I am.
How I deserve the world.
How I’m important to them.

And though I care about them, all of them… they’re just friendly acquaintances.
They’re not people I feel I can confide my deepest thoughts to.
They’re not people I can act crazy with or would invite over just to enjoy their presences.
They’re not my friends…

I know it sounds harsh but I have no friends.
I have beautiful, caring, compassionate, amazing people in my life.
But I can’t connect with them.
I can’t trust them.

I know part of the problem is me but I’m tired.

I’m tired of fighting for something that doesn’t feel right.
I’m tired of struggling to find a connection.
I’m tired of being the outsider.
I’m tired of being the ‘last one standing’ at a social gathering.
I’m tired of being the outcast.
I’m tired of being that person whom everyone cares about but no one is close to.
I’m tired of being the fighter.
I’m tired of being that ‘friend’ no one but the mother thinks to invite over.
I’m tired of being asked by mothers why I don’t come around anymore.
I’m tired of having a friend list with no real friends in it.
I’m tired of being a second thought.
I’m tired of being forgettable.
I’m tired of hoping people remember that I exist.
I’m tired of having to remind people that I exist.
I’m tired.
I’m just… tired.

 

[Zachy1993]

Kittyfluff is da poet n stoof!

 

[katisacat]

Kittyfluff is da poet n stoof!

Yush!

 

[katisacat]

My Voice:

If I could, I’d end hunger,
I’d block the land from tornados,
I’d end ignorance, and cure sickness,
I’d stop death.

But I can’t.
I am human,
I am young,
I am small,
I am insignificant,

I have no super strength,
No great genius mind,
I am not immortal,
I only have my small voice.

Out of over 7 billion people,
One voice is less than the buzz of a fly,
One body is less than an ant,
One feeling is less than a breeze.

Even still,
I will speak
I will shout,
And I will scream,
Until my voice becomes a hurricane,

I will feed the world with my words,
I will dispel tornados with my voice,
I will educate and heal with my knowledge,
I will engage the dying in conversation.

Though my voice is small,
And my being is insignificant,
Somehow, someday,
I will make my voice be heard.