Dear Insanity (RP)

The thirty minute break passed by very quickly. Soon we were talking about anxiety again, but I wasn't paying attention. All I could think about was Mackenzie. Just... The way he tasted, the way his arms would wrap around me when I let him. The way he felt when I was inside him, those little noises he made... Even just looking over at him, his messy blond hair, slightly pouty lips and deep brown eyes, was enough to put me in some sort of trance. Dr. Finley kept his eye on Mackenzie and I while he was talking, as did Tom, making sure I saw it when he made a disgusted face. I didn't care. I just... I just wanted Mackenzie. I wanted out of here and I wanted Mackenzie.


I stood up, running a hand back through my hair. Dr. Jules stood up as well. "Where are you going, Hyacinth?" He asked. Oh right. I needed a new doctor. The team was two short now.


"To my room. I can't do this."


"All right, we'll bring Mackenzie back after group is over." Oh, f**k. Partner therapy. I thought about telling him to go screw himself with a fork, but something inside told me it would be good to talk things over with him.


(Sorry it's short D: )
 
Once Hyacinth left, we kept talking about anxiety and what not. I actually felt my own anxiety leaving me as time went on, which proved to be nice. I was relaxing, you know? I didn't have to worry about Hyacinth watching me or something. I just melted into the sitaution, letting myself go.


Sad thing was that I'm able to do that for long, because before I even realize group is over Finley is leading me towards Hyacinth's room for partner therapy.


God I hate this.


No, that's wrong. Nonexistant-god-that-would-probably-hate-me-if-"he"-really-did-exist I hate this.


That's more like it.


I'm standing outside his door, just out of the way so he couldn't see me. I don't want to talk to him because I don't want to here what he has to say. It's not like Finley cares; he's pulling the door open as I think.


"I'll be back in an hour or so," he tells me.


I want to say "I don't care" and have him let me go back to me room, but I know that's not an option so I mutter "okay".


He leaves the room, the door shutting behind him. I blink a couple times as I glance at the wall and the floor, not knowing what to do.


I think have the nerve to start saying "hi" or "what's up?" or "what the f**k is wrong with you?" or "what did I do?" but I don't. I stare at the ground until it loses my interest.


Then I stare at Hyacinth because that's better than pretending he has some hold over me. Whatever.


I open my mouth to speak, but shut it. He's the one that needs to explain, not me.
 
I looked up at Mackenzie, noticing the way he was staring at me, almost like he was mad at me. Well, yeah, I mentally called him a f*g, but what did he know? "So," I stated, sitting up straighter on my bed, less afraid of him than I had been before. I patted the spot in front of me. "Welcome. Like what I've done with the place?" I had handmade posters all over the walls from stuff I'd liked before getting sent here, and stuff I'd made up in my head. He was silent. "Come on, at least sit." I crossed my legs inward and did the same with my arms, resting my elbows on my knees. Nothing. It was kind of like talking to a wall.


Make him pay for what he did to you!


Shut up. He didn't really do anything to me. It was my own fault I was so attracted to him. So much that I "accidentally" f**ked him and kissed him and held him and cried over him. "Look, I'm sorry I didn't keep hugging you earlier, if that's what your mad about. I'm just... This is the first time I've thought rationally in a while, and I'm really confused about what to do. About you, I mean. It's nothing wrong with you. Actually..." I shrugged and leaned against the white wall, closing my eyes as my head bumped against it. "You're kinda too good." I smiled and let out a single laugh.
 
I didn't move.


I didn't want to sit next to him, let alone be in the same room as him.


What the hell was I so upset about this anyway? It obviously wasn't because he stopped hugging me, like he thought, but what could it be? My mind told me that it was because I felt like he was going to leave me behind or something, but I pushed the thought aside. I wasn't going to admit to that, no matter how much my mind wanted me to.


I grimaced when he started talking again, hoping that my face was barren of emotion. I didn't want to seem like he had some crazy hold on me or something, because that was pathetic.


But whatever. He started spewing out random crap like, "I'm sorry" and "thought rationally" and "confused about what to do" but I wasn't really in the mood to read between the lines, even if there weren't any to read between.


I did, though, choke on my tongue as he added the last part. Since when was Mackenzie Hoffman considered to be "good", nevertheless "too good"? I was the b**tard child that my father "put up with" and my mother excused behaviour for.


The silent act couldn't continue with that statement though.


"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"


Hopefully he understood what I was asking, because I didn't feel like explaining further. I was already psycho-analyzing myself to much as it was.
 
"It means I thought you were just a good catch. At first." I stated, reaching up and twirling a lock of my hair between my fingers. "But after being with you, though I've been doing most of the talking," I stopped, taking a deep breath and cocking my head. "I kinda realized you're more than that. You're a person. And you're the first human I've ever seen like that. You have feelings and thoughts and hopes and dreams, just like I did." A slight smirk began showing on my face as I continued talking. "And I don't want to continue playing with them. I want you to see me as more than some power crazy schizophrenic murderer, too."


He kind of just stood there. "Come on, you can't play that game with me after I said all that." I stated, somewhat firmly but lenient enough to try and wean a response out of him. Why was I even doing this? I could easily shove him out of my room right now and that could be the end of it. Every day in group we could just sit there like nothing happened. But something kept me going, a force I couldn't really fight even though I wanted to.
 
I just stood there for a moment, but I couldn't help but respond when he spoke again. "I don't understand," I said pointedly. I looked at him hard, my gaze not as hard as my focus. "I just don't get it. You say that you want to, what? Stop playing my emotions?" I felt the need to scoff, but this whole not emotional thing was working so far for me. "You should just come out and say what you want to then. Stop beating around the bush."


I huffed in a breath, not really in the mood to deal with any drama. I wasn't attending high school anymore, this shouldn't be happening to me. I walked over towards his bed and sat down without a word, feeling the mattress seep down under me and create a valley in between where Hyacinth and I were sitting. I crossed my legs silently, more or less waiting for an answer.


I couldn't help but criticize myself for the hyprocrity of all. I was telling Hyacinth here to just say what he felt, and what was I doing? Spewing random crap to make him tell me first.


What a great guy I was.
 
"I'm saying," I started, feeling my face heat up. Now Mackenzie was playing the game. F**k. "I want you to come with me. For your sake, too. Not just for my own benefit." I continued playing with my hair, avoiding eye contact as this was making me even more nervous than I had been earlier. "Because I like you. And you're my fr-... Friend." I choked out, not sure that the word really described how I felt about him. But I said it. It'd have to do.


But I'd never really had a friend before. I had Autumn, when I was on the adult program before, but she was more of a protector than a friend. I cared for her though. That was the closest thing. "I want to help you while you're in here, and I want to get out of here with you." I finished, finally. "So, what's your problem?" I asked, genuinely curious but also to push him around like he was pushing me.
 
I rose my eyes and nodded a couple of times as he spoke, watching him react under pressure. It was weird thinking that what I was saying was actually getting through to him. Before, if I opened my mouth it was either to take a bite of something or be shot down completely by people I thought cared about me.


Then he called me a friend. Sure, I had friends in school and everything, but after a while they all got weird around me and started treating me like an outsider, like I didn't belong in the real world like them. But Hyacinth was in the same place, you know. Literally; we were in the same room, breathing the same air, eating the same food. I quipped my lips to the side when he directed his eyes towards me.


"So, what's your problem?"


If I was being honest, that kind of felt like a hit to the heart, but since I'm not, I only blinked and licked my lips before opening my mouth to say: "I don't want to get hurt again." Sure, that seemed simple enough. It should be something that he wouldn't call me out on, but you never knew with this guy. He'd probably do something unexpected again. "My friends left me, my mom turned against me, and my father was never there. Not to mention my brother, but that's not the point. The point is that I'm tired of being lied to and led on by what seems to be all the people I know. I'm tired of having to protect myself, because there should be no reason to. I shouldn't have to keep up these barriers like a bullet-proof shield in the middle of a war. I don't want to have to keep putting myself together when someone different tears me apart." I took a big breath, huffing in air as my chest rose and fell.


Well, damn. I didn't know I had all of that buried in my mind. I shuffled my feet against the floor, watching them sway to and fro.
 
I blinked, all of that taking me by surprise. Yeah, I knew what it was like to not have anyone, but my view was different. I hadn't had anyone in the first place, so no one could hurt me. But he did. And he got hurt really bad by all of these people, most likely including me. I felt like such a d*ck. "Wow," I muttered. "I'm sorry." That was all I could manage. Then, out of nowhere, I began reaching out wrapping my arms around his shoulders and pulling him over to me, not caring whether he wanted to or not. I just sat there like that, not caring that I was acting like a f*g again. No one could see me, and even if they could, it's not like my sexuality was part of my reputation, right? I just wanted to sit there and hold him, and apologize, and tell him that everything was going to be okay even though I knew it wasn't. I wasn't going to do that, though. I couldn't bring myself to.


"I care about you a lot." I whispered in his ear, everything just kind of flowing out of me. If I could help it, I wouldn't even be talking to him right now. But the force that had compelled me to do all this other stuff was telling me that I needed to tell him exactly what was on my mind. F**k. "And I want you to understand that and accept it. I won't hurt you anymore if I can help it. I promise."


This was so strange for me. First he had just been a good f**k. Then he was my friend. And now I was sitting here, my arms around him, trying to comfort him? It was all too weird, but I couldn't stop. I didn't want to stop.
 
I didn't even realize he was hugging me until he spoke again. The apology was, honestly, lame, but what was I suspecting? He really didn't do anything, or know what he was doing, like the rest of them did.


But apparently he cares about me, so I guess that's a step towards the right direction. I wanted him to know that I cared too, but my brain was fried and I couldn't think straight from the aura that is Hyacinth.


I finally got the chance to add in "I'm sorry too" to the discussion when he stopped talking. "I'm sorry that she touched you and that she told you I was dead. I should have just went to group anyway, even though they told me not to." I bit my lip as I talked into his shoulder. "I wish I knew exactly what to say, but I don't. I'm not good at the whole talking thing in the first place, so I'm sorry." I didn't know what else to say, so I kind of just stopped there. He was still holding me, but my arms were more or less pinned to my sides so I couldn't exactly hug him back. I'm not even sure if I would.
 
"Don't be." I muttered, letting go of him and crossing my arms, staring at my socked feet and waiting for someone to break the silence. "Don't be." I repeated. I couldn't help but smile, thinking about maybe having him like me back, at least a little. Imagining having someone to maybe laugh with, about how Dr. Jules' ears look like feet and how Dr. Kandula's breath smelled like anchovies all the time and how the server in the lunch line sounded like Gollum from that one movie I used to love. Maybe having someone to just talk to about whatever was on my mind, maybe having someone to lay with during these stupid partner therapy sessions and just smile at each other without things being awkward. Having someone to watch the news with and chuckle about the way the anchors stutter.


I let out a single, quiet laugh. If I continued making wishes like those I'd drive myself even crazier.
 
I watched him even as he looked away, not really sure what to do or say. I'm not one to take initiative in the first place, so starting off conversations or breaking a tense silence was and continues to be awkward for me. I bit my lip and leaned to the side slightly, wrapping my arms around my chest. I'm not really the most open person, or the one who knows what to say, so I probably would have just sat there twiddling my thumbs if I could, but that would be a waste of time and energy. It be better just to say something and not waste time acting like an idiot. "At least she's gone," I said awkwardly, adding in a half-*ssed shrug.
 
"Yeah," I agreed, furrowing my brows and staring at the tiled floor. "I hope she rots in hell." I added in a hiss, crossing my arms. We spent the next few minutes in silence, just sitting on my bed and feeling awkward. Well, at least I was. I felt something burning in the pit of my stomach but I ignored it. "So, any strange experiences while you've been here so far?" I asked, chuckling under my breath and looking over at him, a slight smirk visible. "Just tell me when you're ready to get out. We can get right on it." I was set on getting out of here, with or without this guy. But I preferred for him to come with me, just so I could at least have a sidekick. It's always harder to do things when you're alone.


Or maybe he'd be the hero. Who knew? Every other time I tried to run, I'd been caught and locked in the closet for days at a time. Maybe with two sets of hands, we could pull something amazing.


I shook my head and looked back down at my feet. What was I even talking about? Knowing what little I knew about this guy, he wasn't really one to take risks. Except for that time in the bathroom, but still. A risk like trying to run? That was probably out of the question. Poor kid, sent here for an inevitable demise.


"Sorry, I just..."
 
"No, no," I started, shaking my head slightly. Hyacinth really needed to stop apologizing for everything. "I just don't want to get my hopes up. We're not going to escape." I sighed, leaning back slightly. I didn't really like being so blunt, but what else was I supposed to say? Beating around the bush endlessly wouldn't prove to help anyone.
 
"Yes, we are." I insisted, nodded vigorously and looking back over at him. Then I shrugged. "Well, I am, at least. You're welcome to tag along if you want," I said, making it sound like some kind of lazy event. Hell, it was no lazy event. I was probably going to have to kill a few people while I was at it, but that didn't bother me. What bothered me was that Mackenzie didn't even want to try. "Hey. I'll give you some more time here to see what it's really like. You got a good doctor, man, but mess around with Jules a little. You'll see what I mean. I'll do my best to expose every fault this place has to offer." I found that to be a good agreement.


A majority of the doctors here are like Kandula. Do the slightest thing out of line and you get sent to that stupid room with the grate for the floor, or locked in a straitjacket and stuffed in the cramped supply closet. Unfortunately for my case, Jules wasn't as harsh, and Finley was as forgiving and understanding as can be. But we'd be getting two new doctors soon. Hopefully they'd be horrible too.
 
I rocked back a little in my chair, not really sure what he wanted me to see. Sure, I wanted out of here as much as the next person, but right now I wasn't exactly seeing too many faults with the place. Finley's nicer than my dad and, whatever the hell she was, Kandula was gone. If I was going to be stuck in here for the rest of my life, I'd have to look over the faults. I didn't want to, but honestly. How the hell were we supposed to escape? I could probably learn to use a fork to pick-lock or something, but that was pretty much my entire "talent" in the land of escaping. Hyacinth obviously had more talent in that field, already single handedly killing someone in front of me. I knew it could prove to be necessary, but I wasn't really ready to have blood on my hands that wasn't my own, and even that was a weary thought.


After the silence I stilled onto us, I opened my mouth to speak. "I don't want to be here for the rest of my life," I said, looking down at my hands. Each one held the other. "I know you could do it, get out of here, but I couldn't. I can't." I shook my head and looked up at Hyacinth, giving him a stern look. "I don't have the drive. I never have, and I never will. It'll end up taking too much energy and I'll give up."
 
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