Journal crushing loneliness.

[Defender Of Stories]

hello and welcome to 'i should be talking to a therapist not the internet' oops—

i guess just. is anyone else just. so, so, SO disgustingly lonely? like just. just feeling like there's absolutely no one in the world who really needs you? like even if you have friends, you're at best a tertiary friend and all of your friends have friends they like better than you?

so obviously the answer is that you need to make more friends. except how does that? happen??? when i was a kid, i was meeting new people all the time. people were still becoming themselves, so to speak—making formative bonds and forging meaningful relationships but that was when i was a kid. i'm terrified now that i've gotten to an age where everyone else has already found their people. people already have their entrenched, longtime groups of friends. people already have their best friends. and i guess i'm just like. what do you do when it feels like everyone around you is a puzzle that all fits together, and you're an extra piece?

i used to have a big support group of friends from gaia online. it feels a little silly/embarrassing to say, but for a long time, roleplaying and making friends through barton town was like, the most important way i connected with other people. and then i spent a long time away from gaia/roleplaying in general because of life stuff and i came back because i missed it, and i joined this site as an alternative since gaia has declined over time, but like. that me who would happily and excitedly talk to new people and join new roleplays and make new friends just. doesn't exist anymore? because now i just look at everyone else's posts and i'm like 'all these people already have their friends; they don't need me.' or i'll look at my old friends list and think about reaching out to people, but then i get embarrassed because 'i'm sure they've already found their people; they don't need me.' or i'll try meeting new people by searching for 1x1s, but i psych myself out because 'i don't really just want someone to write with, i want a friend, and that's weird and off-putting and all these people already have their friends anyway.'

i guess that's what the feeling boils down to, mainly: it feels like, both in real life and online, everyone around me already has their people, and i don't know how to. do that. and i'm worried i waited around too long being depressed and socially anxious and now i just? never will find my people?

?????? idk this is so dumb HAHA. what am i even doing

 

[Shawdios]

dunnno if you're looking for a reply, but yeah. i get it so damn well. you put it into words in a way i somehow haven't. it feels like everyone is too established to join in as a friend.

 

[AshenAngel]

The struggle is real for any lasting connection these days. My partner has appointed me as the person designated to go and find us some friends due to all the social chutes and ladders. I used to be halfway decent about it back in my school days, but the sheer nature of meeting people has changed so much that I just struggle with it now. It's weird.