Other Critique Request Thread

[DreamingofRoses]

This thread is for submitting links to submissions (of ALL media, including RP characters) that you would like to be critiqued on so people can see it and know you want to be reviewed on it. I will put the links in this first post, and may contribute my own criticisms. (Although I'm pretty useless with poetry, guys.)


Prose:

• Brief Lives (Grey)
  
• Nights Neverending (Grey)
  
• Gods in the Machine (Grey, WIP)
  

Poetry:

• Synchronize Your Dogma (Grey)
  
• Beyond Mortal Eye (Grey as Gerodotus)
  
• A Modest Collection (Grey, multiple)
  

Artwork:

• I cannot commit to one medium... (Alexandra, multiple)
  
• ThatSmellyGoblin's Masterpiece (ThatSmellyGoblin, opus)
  

Roleplays/Roleplay Characters:

• Darkening Skies/Crucible System (Grey)
  

 

[HumanPlus]

I have need of serious critique of this serious piece of serious art. Don't be too hard on me though, i put my heart and soul into this.

Spoiler

 

[Grey]

Alllrighty then.


I would like to ask for some criticism or even just commentary, but ideally usable criticism, on the following- I'll reserve personal comment on them until anything is said.


When it comes to prose...


Brief Lives and Nights Neverending (potentially subtitled An Orphean Dirge) could use criticism most of all.


Gods In The Machine is very much a work in progress, but some criticism might help get it moving in a good direction.


As for poetry, Synchronize Your Dogma still needs a second pass. Beyond Mortal Sight was a fun little setting detail, but that's no reason it can't be improved. Finally, this Collection has been around for years without input.

 

[Alexandra]

I have need of serious critique of this serious piece of serious art. Don't be too hard on me though, i put my heart and soul into this.

...I...I think you might be a genius.


Also Grey, I unfortunately cannot help with poetry criticism, poetry is beyond me except as a source of visual inspiration. The prose, I can attempt, if you like.


Also also, as I have people here, I put some of my work in a thread here, as well as links to literally every scrap of my work currently online. Apologies for the huge image sizes; I only keep high-res digital copies of my work. I would adore any feedback, because I so rarely get any...


In case people are wondering, the dreamlike photo collages overlaid with diagrams are my most recent...more should be getting onto a scanner next week...


**EDIT**


It goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway; I have a lot of experience with art. Years and years. So if anyone really really wants feedback, I will offer my best.

 

[Grey]

Oh, and feedback on Darkening Skies or Crucible in general is also super welcome.

 

[Myllinnia]

Aspiring novelist seeks ... criticism. Recommended actually. So please be gentle. ^^


Yep my project for the summer is a novel titled Alterion: Nova Core. I hope it will at least be a fun read at least.


>> Also... its a prologue that neared 5k words. So I hope its not too long for such things.

 

[Grey]

Aspiring novelist seeks ... criticism. Recommended actually. So please be gentle. ^^
Yep my project for the summer is a novel titled Alterion: Nova Core. I hope it will at least be a fun read at least.


>> Also... its a prologue that neared 5k words. So I hope its not too long for such things.

I'm not going to lie to you; gonna need a while. Can't begin to discuss the plot until I work through the structural issues. On the upside, I estimate you should be able to shave 10% off that prologue at least.


Would you rather the feedback here, so it can be discussed (if someone disagrees with any observations I make, or sees me make a mistake), or in PM?

 

[Myllinnia]

Here or a PM would be fine. Too long then? Thankfully there is a section that can be move to the next chapter instead.

 

[Grey]

Well, let's say your ultimate word count is around 50k - it's unusual for the prologue to be 10% of the length. It's less an issue of length though, and more about structure and word choice. I'll PM you soon.


Out of curiosity - it'll help me to help you - what sci-fi have you read and about how much of it?

 

[Myllinnia]

Ah I suppose that makes sense. I didn't research structure/length when starting up.


As too what I have read...


Does silly star trek and star wars books count? (I read several, but I didn't like any...)


I have read, Maximum Ice most recently


And in the past, erm Margaret Weis' Star of the Guardians, Eric Van Lustbader's Pearl Saga (Until he dropped it), the above mentioned star wars/trek books, and a few others whose author's and titles have been lost to my isolationist tween age.


Otherwise, Terry Brooks, David Eddings, Robert Jordan, Tad Willams, and Melanie Rawn

 

[JayTee]

Oh what the hell, I'll slap this sucker down here for review. Looking back (because that's always a good idea) my own immediate thoughts for self-critique is that for a short story, it's really short. Like, stupid short and needs to be longer. There are also probably pacing and structure issues that I am not aware of, but I'll let your more enlightened minds elaborate on that. Go knows I have no idea what I'm doing (not that that's stopped me =p).

 

[Grey]

Oh what the hell, I'll slap this sucker down here for review. Looking back (because that's always a good idea) my own immediate thoughts for self-critique is that for a short story, it's really short. Like, stupid short and needs to be longer. There are also probably pacing and structure issues that I am not aware of, but I'll let your more enlightened minds elaborate on that. Go knows I have no idea what I'm doing (not that that's stopped me =p).

Do you want the comments here, or in the thread?

 

[JayTee]

Here works. Thanks!

 

[Grey]

Here works. Thanks!

Don't stress too much about the length. A story shouldn't outstay its welcome, and when you can see padding it spoils the whole narrative. If you think it can be re-written longer, I'd say do so, but don't artificially lengthen it for the sake of feeling better about it.


Some small typos here and there; see if you can spot and fix them before I go trying to list them all.


The structure seems fine, but you're right about the pacing. It's an awkward length for the pace it's keeping, but trimming some out or adding more detail would probably fix that up. It's a fun idea, by the way.


I hope that helps. If you'd care to return the favour on any of mine, I always appreciate fresh eyes.

 

[JayTee]

Huh, so about what my own assessment was. That's good, I guess. I'll see what I can do when it comes to pacing with my next shortie. Typos for this particular piece aren't something I'm going to worry about. It was a second or third draft that I decided to post before I deleted the whole thing out of fear of embarrassment.


Thanks again!


(I'd love to help critique your work, but I need to figure out what the hell I'm doing before I can figure out what everyone else is doing.)

 

[Grey]

You can usually safely start with something longer than you think is necessary, and cut it back to where you want it.


And really, I'd appreciate anything that comes to mind.

 

[revo]

Just so you know the links in the first post still go to RPdom. Probably bc this thread is a little dead. I actually may be necroposting just being in here. But if that's the case maybe this need be stickied no longer? Anyways, if anyone wants critiques let me know. I'll happily review people's work and submit mine for review in return. =)

 

[Grey]

As near as I can tell, the links still work. Not sure how open they are to posting, but you could always send criticism by PM I suppose.