[Come on, Baby, Light My Fire] Ashley Staats

[Arynne]

• Character
• Attributes&Abilities
• Advantages
• Legend
• Combat
• XP

• 
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  My girl, my girl, where will you go
  
  
  I'm going where the cold wind blows
  
  
  In the pines, in the pines
  
  
  Where the sun don't ever shine
  
  
  Calling: Dark Singer
  
  
  Nature: Visionary
  
  
  Pantheon: Æsir
  
  
  Divine Parent: Odin
  
  
  Favored Epic Attributes: Stamina, Charisma, Perception
  
  
  Favored Abilities: Art, Fortitude, Integrity, Investigation, Occult, Presence
  
  
  Favored Purviews: Animal (Raven), Jotunblut, Magic, Mystery
  
  
  Spoiler

  Ashley’s hometown has a dubious distinction -- it was the site of the county’s last (legal) hanging, over a hundred years ago. The live oak where the deed was done still grows green in the heart of town. Ashley grew up practically in its shadow.
  
  
  Maybe that’s why she was always a little different.
  
  
  Oh, she was never violent or cruel -- she was a polite and well-behaved child, mostly. But she claimed the branches of the Hanging Oak whispered to her, and she heard hidden messages in the cawing of the crows. Diagnosed with schizophrenia, the pills dulled the whispers, at the price of leaving her listless and unable to dream.
  
  
  One evening, as she was hurrying to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription before it closed, she found a small string-tied parcel on her doorstep. Attached was a note that read, “Have a feeling you may need this soon. -- W.” The knots were too tight for her to untie, so she carried it with her to the drugstore.
  
  
  As she was standing in line, all Hell broke loose. A car crashed through the front of the building, sending wood, bricks and glass everywhere. One shard struck Ashley in the face.
  
  
  She lay on the floor, bleeding out. Somewhere, a child was shrieking -- an endless shrill note that went on and on. The package she had carried had burst apart, and the contents spilled out in front of her. A glass eye.
  
  
  And suddenly, there were words in her mind. Words of power. Words of vengeance. And symbols to make the words come alive. She traced them in her own blood on the pharmacy floor, drawing them again and again until she blacked out.
  
  
  The EMT told her afterwards she was lucky only to have lost an eye. He also told her the driver of the car had been a local drunk -- two arrests hadn’t stopped him -- and that he managed to pull the car loose from the wreckage of the building and zoom off only to lose control of the wheel and crash into the Hanging Oak. The ancient tree survived. He didn’t. The medtech and Ashley had a good laugh together over the irony.
  
  
  After that, Ashley threw away her pills. She knew she didn’t need them anymore. The glass eye, however, fitted her perfectly. When the Gallows God’s messenger appeared, she was hardly even surprised.
• 
  
  
  Attributes
  
  
  Strength ●●
  
  
  Epic Strength
  
  
  Dexterity ●●●
  
  
  Epic Dexterity ◆
  
  
  Stamina ●●●
  
  
  Epic Stamina ◆
  
  
  Charisma ●●●●
  
  
  Epic Charisma ◆
  
  
  Manipulation ●●●
  
  
  Epic Manipulation ◆
  
  
  Appearance ●●●
  
  
  Epic Appearance ◆
  
  
  Perception ●●●●
  
  
  Epic Perception ◆
  
  
  Intelligence ●●●●
  
  
  Epic Intelligence ◆
  
  
  Wits ●●●
  
  
  Epic Wits
  
  
  Abilities
  
  
  Academics ●●
  
  
  Animal Ken ●●
  
  
  Art (Music) ●●●
  
  
  Athletics ●
  
  
  Awareness ●●●
  
  
  Brawl ●
  
  
  Command ●●
  
  
  Control
  
  
  Craft
  
  
  Empathy ●●●
  
  
  Fortitude ●●●
  
  
  Integrity ●●●
  
  
  Investigation ●●
  
  
  Larceny
  
  
  Marksmanship ●●
  
  
  Medicine
  
  
  Melee
  
  
  Occult ●●●
  
  
  Politics
  
  
  Presence ●●●
  
  
  Science
  
  
  Stealth ●
  
  
  Survival ●●
  
  
  Thrown
  
  
  Languages spoken: English (fluent), German (fluent)
  
  
  
• 
  
  
  Birthrights
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Quoth, a juvenile raven, was sired by Munin, one of Odin’s corvid messengers. To Ashley’s ears he has a pronounced Baltimorean accent, hence his name. He uses the stats for a small bird (Hero, p. 329) but with Intelligence 3, Epic Intelligence 1 (Perfect Memory), Epic Perception 1 (Predatory Focus), Epic Stamina 1 (Inner Furnace), Legend 2 and the following Virtues: Courage 2, Endurance 2, Expression 2, Loyalty 3.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Ashley summons five fallen soldiers, from a period in American history stretching between the Revolutionary War and WWI, by singing a song appropriate to the conflict they died in: “Yankee Doodle” for the American Revolution, “Battle Cry of Freedom” for the Civil War, and so forth. They use the stats for experienced soldiers (Hero, p. 283) and possess the Norse Virtues of Courage 3, Endurance 3, Expression 2 and Loyalty 4. Ashley’s einherjar are typically equipped with swords or bayonets and rifles that use the Remington template (p. 203) but have either a Clip of only 1 or a full Clip but a reduced Range.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  The valkyrie Göndul is a witch as well as a warrior, and once caused a war between two kingdoms that lasted 183 years by seducing a king and giving him a draught of magic mead. She has lived in America since the 1920s, and has been involved with bootleggers, the ‘60s acid scene, and modern-day drug smugglers and pot growers. She uses the identity of Matilda Dulles, leather-clad biker chick and gang member, to search for potential einherjar among both those who make their fortune by defying the law and those who struggle to enforce it. The virtual state of war in Mexico right now has provided her with many candidates.
  
  
  Göndul has traits equivalent to those of Hildr (Demigod, p. 247) with the addition of Magic 4 and the Boons Blessing of Bravery, Battle Cry and Warrior Ideal (Valkyrie).
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Ashley’s glass eye is the first of her Birthrights. It bears the rune ansuz on its hidden side and allows her the use of the Mystery Purview, as well as letting her add her Legend to Perception + Awareness rolls to compensate for her loss of normal vision.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  A valknut, or slain warriors’ knot, consists of three interlocking triangles. The symbol has been associated with Odin and his ravens since before the dawn of history. Worn by Ashley in the shape of a silver pendant, it lets her channel the Animal (Raven) and Death Purviews, and serves as a beacon that allows the einherjar to find her.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  ‘The Accuser’ looks like a Taurus Raging Bull, a heavy revolver often used for hunting in the South, but it has a snarling wolf’s head and a severed hand in place of the maker’s mark, for it comes from the weapons manufactories of Tyr, Norse God of War and Justice, and Ashley’s half brother. The Accuser adds +1 Accuracy to the Peacemaker template (Hero, p. 203) and grants the user access to the War Purview.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Magic wands have a long history in both Germanic and American culture. Ashley’s is a long staff cut from an ash tree and carved with the twenty-four runes of the Elder Fuþark, but with a forked top like a rustic “dowsing rod”. It channels the Magic Purview, but also allows her to find things concealed in the earth -- springs of water, buried treasure, corpses -- with a successful Perception + Awareness roll.
  
  
  Knacks
  
  
  
  
  
  Sometimes, for a Scion to be able to help people—or convince them to stay out of harm’s way—those people have to accept ideas that would seem patently ridiculous if they weren’t true. The player of a Scion with this Knack spends a point of Legend, and something in the Scion’s bearing or expression convinces a single listener not to dismiss what she’s saying. Maybe it’s the fact that the Scion is taking her words so seriously, or maybe she just has an honest face. Maybe she came highly recommended by a respected colleague. Whatever the reason, the listener gives the Scion the benefit of the doubt in regards to what the Scion next tries to explain, despite what he might be otherwise inclined to believe.
  
  
  
  
  
  The Scion can spend a single point of Legend to convert all the lethal damage from a single attack into bashing damage, though an overload of bashing damage still upgrades existing bashing damage to lethal This Knack cannot convert aggravated damage into anything less grave. The character cannot convert old lethal damage into bashing damage. The Knack works only on incoming damage from a single attack.
  
  
  
  
  
  The Scion’s well-chosen words can play on humankind’s social mentality, giving hope and courage to not just one listener, but a group. The Scion gives a performance before gathered listeners—whether she’s calling upon them for help, raising their spirits after a local disaster or strengthening the bonds of community among them—and spends a single point of Legend.
  
  
  As long as her words are intended to inspire them in some way, every person who can hear her listens spellbound and receives a point of Willpower at the speech’s end. The only limit is that the listeners must be able to hear her clearly without her using the aid of any amplifying or broadcasting equipment.
  
  
  
  
  
  The Scion might not be a master of any single subject, but she knows a little bit about a wide range of disparate, esoteric subjects. (She could explain the intricacies of the Teapot Dome Scandal in terms of the interpersonal dynamics of the Justice League, then explain why typing “while one fork” into a UNIX system is a bad idea, before wrapping up with an explanation of how a Venus’s flytrap works.) Normally, the burden of portraying this Knack falls to the player, so it behooves her to keep an ear to the ground for obscure trivia she can work into her character’s dialogue during the game. The Storyteller shares a bit of that burden as well, though. During a scene in which the characters seem to be stumped or hopelessly out of options, the Storyteller should “remind” the player of some pertinent bit of obscure trivia her character knows that bears a direct, helpful relevance to the problem at hand.
  
  
  
  
  
  The Scion can be a musician’s best friend or worst nightmare, as she has the innate ability to detect even the subtlest variation in musical pitch. Her sense is so refined that she could catch a single missed note in an otherwise flawless performance of a Rachmaninoff concerto. The lone flub in the middle of the performance rings as clearly in her ears as if someone’s cell phone had gone off during it playing the Spongebob Squarepants theme song. The Scion’s sense of hearing is also refined enough to be able to identify with absolute certainty a phone number or security code just by hearing the distinctive key tones.
  
  
  
  
  
  When the Scion spends a point of Legend, the person whom she’s trying to affect locks eyes with her and is unable to look away. For combat purposes, the victim is rendered Inactive until the Scion breaks eye contact. The Scion can still act, but she must take a second action in order to do so, maintaining eye contact as a diceless action. As a result, she suffers a -2 penalty for any other action she takes.
  
  
  
  
  
  The philosophy of solipsism holds that only the self exists. Accordingly, if a solipsist isn’t aware of something, that something doesn’t exist. With this Knack, a Scion applies this odd philosophy to damage that surprises her. For a single attack that the Scion doesn’t see, hear or otherwise perceive coming, the Scion can spend a point of Legend and a point of Willpower to completely ignore it as if it never happened . Of course the attack does actually happen—any ammunition used is spent, onlookers might be covered with the Scion’s blood, the would-be assassin might be standing right there holding a dripping knife—but such concerns are immaterial to the Scion.
  
  
  The Scion can use this Knack only once per scene.
  
  
  
  
  
  Tricksters know their own. If some matchstick man tries to run a scam, Scions with this Knack know exactly what sort of person they’re dealing with. Whenever the Scion hears a person knowingly tell a lie, she is automatically aware of the deception. This Knack doesn’t reveal what the truth actually is. Nor does it work on text written by someone who knows it’s false or when someone speaks untrue words in a language she does not understand.
  
  
  
  
  
  Not only do the Scion’s Epic Dexterity bonus successes add to (Dexterity + Marksmanship) dice rolls, she now doubles the bonus she receives from taking an Aim action as well. What’s more, the player ignores the difficulty penalty for the character to either disarm an opponent with a ranged special attack or mark her opponent without causing damage. The character must actually be taking an Aim action in order to be able to ignore such penalties, though.
  
  
  
  
  
  The Scion can automatically recognize any people to whom she is Fatebound. She can pick their faces out of a crowd with just a glance. She can recognize their voices despite electronic distortion or overpowering background noise. She knows their scents and their body language and even the exact feel of the way they shake hands. She can also recognize an imposter when someone tries to mimic the voice or appearance of someone to whom she is Fatebound.
  
  
  Recognizing others is not quite as easy. If, when a Scion encounters a character to whom she is not Fatebound, she makes a concerted effort to try to remember that character’s looks and mannerisms, the player may spend a point of Willpower to lock that image in the Scion’s mind. After that, she retains the ability to recognize him despite all obfuscation for the rest of the story as if they two were Fatebound. Thereafter, the Scion loses any supernatural ability she had to recognize that character. (She doesn’t forget what the character looks like, mind you. It’s just that the Knack no longer applies to that person.)
  
  
  The timing of when the Scion recognizes a person is entirely up to the Storyteller as dictated by the needs of the story. If the private investigator who’s been dogging the Scion’s heels tries to slink up to the character in disguise at a crowded charity fund-raiser, the Scion might see the gumshoe coming a mile away (even despite the fake beard, the fat suit, the spray-on tan, the sex change…). If a Scion of Loki who’s a rival to a player’s Scion of Anubis arrives in disguise to deliver a cryptic warning, the Scion of Anubis might not recognize her old foe until the trickster disappears with a wink behind the elevator’s closing doors.
  
  
  Finally, as a side effect of this Knack, a Scion can always recognize when someone who is not in disguise is biologically related to a person she knows well. She cannot intuitively grasp what that relationship is, but she knows it’s there—even if the person in question doesn’t.
  
  
  Boons
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Dice Pool: Intelligence + Animal Ken
  
  
  Cost: None
  
  
  Ashley can understand and make herself understood by any raven, as she speaks English and the bird responds with its own postures, scents and/or vocalizations. This Boon doesn’t make ravens smart, calm or loyal, but most are curious enough about having a human address them that they’ll hear her out before defaulting to aggression, panic or indifference.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Dice Pool: Charisma + Command
  
  
  Cost: None
  
  
  By intoning a benediction over a person or group prepared to engage in battle, a Scion of War can bolster their courage and determination. Every character on the Scion’s side of the conflict who hears her benediction gains a point of Willpower as well as two temporary bonus dots of Courage or Valor that last until the battle ends. The Scion may amplify her voice electronically, but she must be present at the battle and give the blessing live.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Dice Pool: None
  
  
  Cost: None
  
  
  The Scion can see ghosts even when those ghosts don’t choose to manifest. To her, ghosts are livid, physical presences, sensible to feeling as to sight (as well as smell and hearing). She still can’t harm the fragile plasmic shell of a ghost who hasn’t manifested, however. The sense of touch this Boon grants is illusory. If the Scion tries to exert enough pressure to cause damage or restrain the ghost, her hand passes through it.
  
  
  The Scion can also look at a dead body and know what killed it, if that cause isn’t already obvious. The answer she gets is somewhat generic (the reading would tell her a person had been poisoned, for instance, but not by what poison), but it’s conclusive despite the presence of falsified or misleading evidence.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  All Scions (and even the Gods themselves) are subject to Fate, but only a select few are graced with the power to read and influence it.
  
  
  A Scion gains one free new spell of the increased value for each new dot of the Magic Purview she gets. Additional spells of equal or lesser value are purchased individually as Boons of the all-purpose Purviews are (for the same bonus point or experience point cost). Inherent in each of these spells is the power to undo someone else’s application of the same spell. The target of a spell is automatically Fatebound to the spell’s caster.
  
  
  Ariadne's Thread
  
  
  Dice Pool: Perception + Survival
  
  
  Cost: 1 Legend
  
  
  The caster declares a target (a person, place or thing) and can thenceforth unerringly track where that target has gone by following the perturbations he leaves in the threads of Fate. If the target is a place, the caster can always find her way back there, no matter how disoriented or lost she has become. This spell’s effect lasts for one day per success rolled, but it can be increased on a daily basis by spending one Legend point.
  
  
  Measured Foe
  
  
  Dice Pool: Perception + Empathy
  
  
  Cost: 1 Legend
  
  
  A glance at the threads about a particular person can tell much of that person’s capabilities, his weaknesses and the way that he handles problems. With a successful casting of this spell, the magician learns the subject’s highest-level Purview or Epic Attribute. Each additional success scored on the casting roll grants knowledge of the next lower Purview or Epic Attribute. If the subject has multiple abilities at the same level, the Storyteller randomly chooses which ones the caster learns. Note that this spell does not indicate the lack of a particular Purview or Epic Attribute: It simply indicates which ones the target has, starting with the target’s strongest (most defining) powers and proceeding to the weakest.
  
  
  Peaceful Meeting
  
  
  Dice Pool: Charisma + Command
  
  
  Cost: 1 Legend
  
  
  Odin himself described this as one of the spells he knew. It keeps meetings with strangers from erupting in violence. The Scion must show some symbol of truce, such as a white flag, or otherwise let everyone know they enter a place of truce. Anyone who enters the scene with malicious intent must spend a Willpower point to initiate violence, which breaks the spell. More importantly, the spell prevents all accidental quarrels and flashes of temper, of the sort that so often caused Norse feasts to end in drunken murders and battles. The spell lasts for one scene. If anyone deliberately breaks the truce, the spell Fatebinds the offender to the Scion. Otherwise, the Scion is Fatebound to a random person who becomes a friend while Fatebound, or the Fatebinding lodges to the place of truce itself.
  
  
  Traitor's Toast
  
  
  Dice Pool: Wits + Art
  
  
  Cost: 1 Legend, 1 lethal health level
  
  
  This spell comes from Egil’s Saga, and is a classic example of old Norse magic, using all three of the common techniques. A Scion uses it if she suspects poison in her drink. She scratches symbols on her cup (rune-magic), jabs herself and smears her blood on the runes (seidhr), then chants a poem asking that Fate reveal any malice and treachery (galdr). Finally, she spends a point of Legend. If the drink contains poison, the vessel shatters. The Scion certainly gains a hostile Fatebinding to whoever poisoned the drink.
  
  
  Unlidded Eye
  
  
  Dice Pool: Perception + Occult
  
  
  Cost: 1 Willpower
  
  
  This spell allows its caster to see magic and supernatural powers that are normally invisible to mortal sight. It also faintly reveals the threads of Fate that entwine people, revealing strong or thick threads and allowing the caster to determine a supernatural being’s Legend score.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Dice Pool: None
  
  
  Cost: None
  
  
  The Æsir are descended from Ymir, father of the frost giants, and the blood of giants still runs in their veins. Bred from such powerful stock, their Scions are naturally resilient and sturdy, examples of peak physical form. Upon taking this Boon, a Scion gains an additional -0 health level. Often, Scions who acquire this Boon find they’ve become slightly taller, broader or more muscled as they form a stronger connection with their giant ancestry.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  Dice Pool: Intelligence + Mystery
  
  
  Cost: None
  
  
  To use this Purview, the Scion clears her head and looks at the World without analysis or expectation. Based simply on what she sees, the character makes intuitive leaps of logic as objects in the World around her spark subconscious connections. The player rolls her character’s (Intelligence + Mystery), without adding successes from Epic Intelligence. She may then ask her Storyteller pointed, specific questions about various events that have occurred in game—one question per success. The Storyteller need not expound upon his answers (they can be quite terse and to the point, in fact), but he must answer them as honestly and directly as he can.
  
  
  Using this Purview cannot reveal facts about things that will happen in the future, nor can a character use it to gain insight into events that don’t concern either her or the members of her heroic Band. The player can use this effect to gain knowledge only once per story. She can re-roll a failed roll until she gets a success, but on a botch she gets no information and she cannot use Mystery again until the next story.
  
  
  
• 
  
  
  Legend ●●
  
  
  Legend Points: 4
  
  
  Willpower ●●●●● ●
  
  
  Virtues
  
  
  Courage ●●
  
  
  Endurance ●●●
  
  
  Expression ●●●
  
  
  Loyalty ●●
  
  
  
• 
  
  
  Join Battle: 6
  
  
  Weapons: Fenris Arms .44 “The Accuser” (Accuracy 8, Damage 8L, Range 20, Clip 6, Speed 5)
  
  
  Soak: 2L/4B/1A
  
  
  Health Levels: -0/-0/-1/-1/-2/-2/-4/Incapacitated
  
  
  Dodge DV: 4
  
  
  
• 
  
  
  Experience Expenditure (Starting)
  
  
  Strength 2 (4), Dexterity 3 (12), Stamina 3 (12); Charisma 3 (12), Charisma 4 (24), Manipulation 2 (4), Appearance 3 (12), Perception 4 (24), Intelligence 4 (24), Wits 3 (12)
  
  
  Courage 2 (3), Endurance 3 (9), Expression 3 (9), Loyalty 2 (3)
  
  
  Academics 1 (3), Animal Ken 1 (3), Art 1 (3), Athletics 1 (3), Awareness 1 (3), Brawl 1 (3), Command 1 (3), Empathy 1 (3), Fortitude 1 (3), Integrity 1 (3), Investigation 1 (3), Marksmanship 1 (3), Occult 1 (3), Presence 1 (3), Stealth 1 (3), Survival 1 (3)
  
  
  Academics 2 (2), Animal Ken 2 (2), Art 2 (1), Awareness 2 (2), Command 2 (2), Empathy 2 (2), Fortitude 2 (1), Integrity 2 (1), Investigation 2 (1), Marksmanship 2 (2), Occult 2 (1), Presence 2 (1), Survival 2 (2)
  
  
  Art 3 (3), Awareness 3 (4), Empathy 3 (4), Fortitude 3 (3), Integrity 3 (3), Occult 3 (3), Presence 3 (3)
  
  
  Epic Stamina 1 ( 8 xp ), Epic Charisma 1 ( 8 xp ), Epic Perception 1 ( 8 xp , Epic Dexterity 1 (10), Epic Intelligence 1 (10), Epic Wits 1 (10)
  
  
  Animal Communication - Raven (4), Battle Blessing (5), Death Senses (5), Magic 1 (3), Mighty Lineage (3), Prophecy 1 (3)
  
  
  Ariadne’s Thread (4), Measured Foe (4), Peaceful Greeting (4), Traitor's Toast (4)
  
  
  Creature 2 (6), Followers 4 (12), Guide 4 (12), Relic 2 (6), Relic 3 (9), Relic 2 (6), Relic 3 (9)
  
  
  Experience Expenditure (In-Game)
  
  
  Manipulation 3 ( 8 )
  
  
  Epic Manipulation 1 (10 )
  
  
  5 banked
  
  
  

 

[Esbilon]

Sorry, I'm imposing a chargen limit of Legend 2. Secondly, you may want to avoid putting 8's in ()'s as it leads to this 8). And no one actually knows what old Norse sounded like, except the Æsir and their hangarounds, so you couldn't learn that prior to your Visitation. Icelandic is presudemed to be rather close though.

 

[Arynne]

Oops, for some reason I read that as "starting" rather than "limited". I'll fix it. ops:


So we're starting immediately after our Visitation? That will require me to scale down my Abilities as well -- Ashley didn't do very much prior to that, due to a bad case of being pwned by Fate.

 

[Esbilon]

We're starting with your Visitation. Minor magical stuff may happen before, but everything you know of the magical world, you learn from me. Feel free to make suggestions about how you'd like your Visitation to be

 

[Arynne]

All right, fixed. Should I assign her Birthrights now, or should I wait till after her Visitation?

 

[Esbilon]

Assign them now, I'll make sure to give you those that fit during your Visitation, and any others you can acquire by Handwavium between the Visitation and the first session. Assuming the scheduling issues get fixed...

 

[Arynne]

IC Fiction: "Someone To Talk To"

​

You asked about the things I see sometimes that other people don't -- the ones I'm still not sure about...?


My aunt and grandmother say that when I was learning to talk I talked to people they couldn't see or hear, sometimes in English or German and sometimes using words or names they didn't recognize. My mother won't talk about it to me. I can't remember doing that, but I do remember I couldn't understand why people said that a room was empty, or that there was nobody in the garden, because there were always people everywhere. Mostly they stayed quiet, or were going about their business, or just passing through. I had already learned that nobody else talked to them and that they sometimes didn't answer when I talked to them; but it had never occurred to me that other people didn't see them at all.


It was mostly in summer, in the heat of the afternoon, that I would see the people passing through, coming upriver. They're hard to describe, and I've got no idea who they were. They were rather short and walked quietly, alone, or three or four one after the other; their limbs were smooth and their faces round, often with some markings drawn on the lips or chin; their eyes were narrow, and sometimes looked swollen and sore, as if from smoke or tears. They went quietly through the town, not looking at it and never speaking, going upriver. The way they went, so silently, hurt my heart. They were far away from me, walking in sadness.


I had a big argument with my cousin Blake once when she said there was nobody in the garage, and I had seen a whole group of people there, passing things from hand to hand and laughing silently, as if they were playing some game. Blake, who was older than I, said I was lying, and I began to scream and tried to knock her down. I can feel that same anger now. I was only telling what I had seen, and I couldn't believe she hadn't seen the people in the garage; I thought she was lying so she could call me a liar. That anger, that shame, stayed a long time and made me refuse to look at the people that other people didn't see or wouldn't talk about. When I saw them, I looked away until they were gone. They'd been good company for me; but now I felt I couldn't trust them anymore, since they'd got me in trouble. Of course I had it all completely backwards, but there was nobody to help me get it straight.


When I turned away from all those people that I had used to see, they went on and didn't come back. Only a few were left, and I was lonely.


Blake had a group of friends, girls who talked and gambled and smoked a lot of pot. I hung around with them every night, but there were no real people in the world I saw at that time. All rooms were empty. Nobody was in the garden or out on the street. Nobody walked upriver grieving.


When I was almost fourteen, I stole a bottle of Nightrain and got drunk for the first time. I went around town shouting and talking to people nobody else saw: at least, so I was told next day, but I couldn't remember anything. I thought maybe if I got drunk again, but a little less drunk this time, I would see the kind of people I used to see, when the streets and yards were full of them and they kept me from feeling so alone. So I stole more wine from our neighbors, and I went down to the willows by the river to drink it.


I drank the first bottle and made some songs, then I spilled most of the second bottle and went home and felt sick for a couple of days. I stole wine again, and this time I drank two bottles quickly. I didn't make any more songs. I felt dizzy and sick, and fell asleep. Next morning I woke up there on the cold stones by the river, very weak and cold. My family was worried about me after that, and took me to a psychiatrist. I guess I talked too much and too freely to him, because you know the rest.