Children of the Star

[Church418]

Children of the Star

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Greetings my fellow RPers. So a friendly admin-type alerted me that I had placed this in the wrong section and recommended I move it to "Prose" in the creativity forum, so here it is!


I've recently completed the meat and potatoes of my first novel (Minus the first and second chapter, still having trouble with it X.X) and am in the process of proofreading it. As part of my proofreading I've decided to post small segments of my story that reflect the personality of my five main characters:


1.)Teneramente


2.)Recitativo


3.)Fortissimo


4.)Calore


5.)Passionata


Every couple of weeks I'll post a new segment to allow the current submission enough time to be viewed and critiqued. Any and all of your criticisms will be well-received and taken to heart, in a constructive way.


I'll place the premise in a spoiler so you get the general summary of the novel.

Spoiler

The Basics


Children of the Star is an in depth story of Light and Dark. A story of creation and philosophy. I was inspired by several religious texts in the creation of this tale, and of the insights of several famous philosophers.


The Light: A super luminous entity that has existed since the beginning of time. It watches over It's realm, and It's children, as they sing and dance in worship and harmony with their Creator. The "Children of the Star" are angelic beings that emit tangible energy through song and dance. This energy can be guided and molded into spectacular creations that live on for eternity. The Light's realm is pure paradise, and there is not but joy to be found in it. The children are kept ignorant to what lay beyond their perfect realm, inside of the universe once labelled by the entities as "The Great Abyss"


The Dark: A super luminous entity that existed along side the Light since the beginning of time. After a failure to uphold an agreement, and a clash that became more devastating than either had anticipated, the Darkness hasn't been seen since.


Earth: A special creation that is home to Humanity. The "perfectly flawed" creation.


Humanity: Intelligent beings born of both Dark and Light. In the early ages of Humanity, the Light lived in harmony with them. But as the minds of men evolved, they slowly began to reject the idea of supernatural beings. Humanity looked inwardly to themselves and created the world they live in today. A comfortable, gray, corporate world that is slowly dying. The hearts and souls of Humanity have faded. Art and culture have all but died out. Humanity is on the immanent path to self destruction.


The Protagonists(listed above): Angelic beings specially named "Soloists" for their unique ability to sing and dance alone to create tangible energy. Most "Children of the Star" must worship and perform in groups, but Soloists can act alone. Our protagonists will be the first Children of the Light in ages to receive knowledge of what lay beyond the realm. Why? Because the Light has seen a time when Earth is devoured by the Darkness. Their hearts and souls are being corrupted, and the only way to stop it is to inspire Humanity to look back toward the Light and receive their inheritance in Grace.


But it will not be that easy. As our protagonists enter Earth for the first time the Darkness and internal suffering they see in Humanity is too much for them to bear. They will experience all of the negative aspects of life for the first time, and some might falter under the weight.

I want to preemptively say "Thank you" for all who decided to read through my segments. I look forward to your criticisms and any feedback you will be gracious enough to provide. I will take these specific criticisms to heart:


1.) Is it easy to read?


2.) How does this character make you feel? What are your initial thoughts regarding their personality?


3.) Did it make sense to you?


4.) Were you able to envision the setting?

 

[Church418]

Teneramente’s eyes dazzled as her siblings danced and sang to the tune of their heart. With every word and step, pure white light expelled outward forming shapes and objects that reflected their very feelings. Some performed in large groups, with one in the center singing and manipulating the energy while the others danced in unison around them.

A loud and beautiful voice drew Teneramente’s attention. A child reaching the apex of her song. On her last note, a great, gleaming spire formed before her group. It shined bright with purity with lines that appeared to race to the top, and curvature that exclaimed perfection. The song had ended, yet the spire continued to hum the song of its creator. It would do so for eternity. The singer cheered with glee as the dancers around embraced her. Teneramente noticed that all of the nearby siblings had halted their activities as well, to marvel at the beautiful work one of their own had completed.

A great presence gazed upon them as the Light itself took notice of the spire. Its gaze was so warm and welcoming that Teneramente couldn’t help but to exclaim her joy. “BEAUTIFUL…” It whispered, echoing through the plains of the realm. Its words were met with a unified cheer that echoed just as loud.

Amidst the groups of artists, Teneramente spotted a sibling off to the side, singing alone to his own dance. “Recitativo!” Teneramente called out, but he was too focused to hear. Teneramente worked her way through the groups and called out again once she was closer. This time, he halted, turned, and greeted her with a warm smile. She ran up to him embracing him tightly, and he reciprocated in kind. “Look at it..” he said, looking over her shoulder. Teneramente turned and gazed again at the spire, groups were now performing around it. Both admired the sight for a moment longer, then looked at each other and smiled again. “Perhaps.” Recitativo began. “We will one day make such a creation.”

Teneramente chuckled and joined her hand with his as they walked through the gardens of the realm, taking in its infinite beauty. “Nothing, even half as magnificent, has ever been completed by soloists.” Teneramente stated. A moment of silence passed as Recitativo pondered the comment. Teneramente noticed him gaze curiously at the Light in the distance. The Light was always there, ever present, shining its light and glory for all to see. Sharing its great power to all of Its children so that It may marvel at their creations. It was an entity of pure love and joy, and Teneramente’s heart welled up at every sight of it. At every word it spoke. At every creation it provided.

Teneramente recognized a sparkle in Recitativo’s eyes. It was the same sparkle that appeared when he dreamed. She couldn’t help but smile as she pondered what grand thoughts were racing through his mind. He was so ambitious and motivated, and he expected so much out of himself. That’s what made him unique in her eyes. They were both soloists, but he was a dreamer. He didn’t want to be just another child in the group. He wanted to be more. He wanted to be greater. And Teneramente couldn’t help but be attracted to it. He was her favorite to perform with.

Recitativo broke his gaze from the Light back to Tenera, the sparkle still burning in his eyes. “One day,” he said. “I’ll pour my very soul into something so great, the Light itself will be speechless. A creation the realm will never forget.” Teneramente brought herself in front of Recitativo and cusped his hand in both of hers. “And I want nothing more than to be there when that day comes.” She said. Recitativo smiled greatly at her reassuring words, and Teneramente noticed the sparkle begin to fade as his dreams began to calm.

“But!” Teneramente exclaimed, bringing his attention back to the present. “I believe we have our own garden to work on.” Teneramente released Recitativo to turn and look at their garden. Of course, everyone in the realm was welcome. This garden, however, had become an area all soloists regularly convened. Alone, soloists couldn’t create towering spires or great, breathtaking visuals. But every flower and tree told a story, which contributed to the garden. And the garden, indeed, was breathtaking. Teneramente spotted the first place her and Recitative had made their mark, and she gingerly made her way over to it. A clutch of violet daisies stood waist high, as if no time had passed from the moment of their creation. She knelt down and let them cover her in their beauty. Teneramente felt Recitativo place a hand on her shoulder, enjoying her happiness. “Shall we?” he asked. Excitement filled Teneramente as she placed her hand on top of his and brushed the tips of her fingers over the blooms. A second later, Teneramente and Recitativo were whisked away from reality to watch their past play before them. Together, they observed a younger version of themselves standing where they were now…..

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“Teneramente what shall we make?!” Recitativo energetically exclaimed, that spark ever present in his eyes. “I got it!” he said, turning to look at Teneramente. “A rushing river that spans the entire garden! No, wait!” He paused, letting an even greater idea take root. “A mountain that can be seen from a great distance!” Teneramente took a step back and giggled nervously. Recitativo’s energy was exciting, but also a little intimidating. Realizing this, Recitativo digressed and laughed, his face blushing in embarrassment. “Wha…What about you Teneramente? What did you have in mind?”

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Teneramente’s eyes grew wide and a great smile played out on her face. “Well. I’ve always wanted my own garden!” Teneramente cheerfully replied. “Maybe some flowers!” Recitativo smiled and nodded, but Teneramente could tell it didn’t satisfy the spark in his eyes. “Flowers are a great sight.” He replied, turning to gaze into the distance. “But why start so small when we can start something great right now?” He asked.

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Teneramente looked at Recitativo curiously, and wondered what great ideas were racing through his mind. Teneramente stepped in front of Recitativo’s gaze and joined her hands with is. She smiled warmly at him until she noticed the spark begin to calm. “I think,” she said, breaking the silence. “A vast river would fit perfectly here.” Recitativo’s face lit up, happy that she approved of his idea. “But right now,” she continued, gazing into his eyes, “would you like to make some flowers with me?” she asked, eagerly waiting his response.

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Recitativo’s face calmed into a warm smile, as he softly tightened his hold on her hands. A look of determination took form as he looked over Teneramente’s head, back into the distance. “Let us create the most beautiful flowers this realm has ever seen.”

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Teneramente cheered and embraced him tightly. Recitativo stood for a second, shocked at her sudden excitement. Then, he happily returned the embrace.

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