doedeer
Member
Before I met you, I spent my lifetime walking down road after road searching for the end of a rainbow.
This end I was avidly hoping to find drove me desperately towards every corner of my sanity.
Wading through the toughest, the slightest, the lowest–until it felt like I was deep underwater with no color to guide me anymore.
At this point, I lost the natural instinct of knowing which way was up or down. There was no up or down for me.
It felt like ‘breathe or die’. I accepted this as a false truth when I was only a child.
As I grew older, Chasing rainbows left me running for miles and miles seemingly in circles. I continued because the end to this search was what I craved the most for in life.
For what could I live for if not that?
Nothing equally scared me and hopelessly infatuated me more than the chance to finally touch the end of a rainbow even by just my fingertips.
I’ve come close to a lot of them in my life, but none were as deadly as the very last one.
At the time, I thought it was near genius by design. It was camouflaged in the brightest colors I thought I’d ever seen.
It felt as if it hooked me straight out of the submersion I’d subjected myself to all of my prior years when in reality I was nowhere near the surface when it came across me.
So delusioned was my younger self to think after all of the time I spent drowning, this occurrence reconditioned my inability to know up from down.
A year went by and I only deteriorated faster and faster underneath it’s light. I never even got to touch it.
I was too consumed by my false hope in this rainbow finally surrendering its end location to notice my body was dying under the conditions.
Gone was the weight of my mind, but to me it was a good riddance. I was sure that it never helped me when I needed it most anyway.
I was completely accepting of an unknown fate I was too afraid to confront on my own.
Soon my physical health started to falter. I was withering away, numbingly chasing nothing–like always, but the only end I was approaching was my own.
I breathed for the first time when you touched my hand. I wasn’t even conscious enough to realize you were hauling my weight with all of your strength.
This whole time I was too blind to notice you out morning till night trying to save me. I took wild gulps of air in front of you as if I completely forgot what it was like.
Then suddenly…I was safe.
My first thought was frantic and,selfishly, not of you, but of the rainbow I was sure I almost had.
There was no rainbow. There was never a rainbow.
You said I was free now. You told me I didn’t have to search for an end anymore.
Now that I’ve found you there’s no more chasing rainbows and hoping for an end to them.
Their arches were always illusions - solid at first glance.
I always tried to touch them, but there never was anything to hold onto.
The colors used to lure me in, but you put an end to my chase.
Until you found me, I never truly noticed that I had to decide between playing this game forever or living my own life.
It always felt like I had a war in my mind I couldn't escape. My only momentary escape was chasing what I thought could fix me.
You rejected my claims that you fixed me. You told me the only person who had the ability to was always myself.
Still, you gifted me clarity and purpose–and showed me how free I could really be.
This end I was avidly hoping to find drove me desperately towards every corner of my sanity.
Wading through the toughest, the slightest, the lowest–until it felt like I was deep underwater with no color to guide me anymore.
At this point, I lost the natural instinct of knowing which way was up or down. There was no up or down for me.
It felt like ‘breathe or die’. I accepted this as a false truth when I was only a child.
As I grew older, Chasing rainbows left me running for miles and miles seemingly in circles. I continued because the end to this search was what I craved the most for in life.
For what could I live for if not that?
Nothing equally scared me and hopelessly infatuated me more than the chance to finally touch the end of a rainbow even by just my fingertips.
I’ve come close to a lot of them in my life, but none were as deadly as the very last one.
At the time, I thought it was near genius by design. It was camouflaged in the brightest colors I thought I’d ever seen.
It felt as if it hooked me straight out of the submersion I’d subjected myself to all of my prior years when in reality I was nowhere near the surface when it came across me.
So delusioned was my younger self to think after all of the time I spent drowning, this occurrence reconditioned my inability to know up from down.
A year went by and I only deteriorated faster and faster underneath it’s light. I never even got to touch it.
I was too consumed by my false hope in this rainbow finally surrendering its end location to notice my body was dying under the conditions.
Gone was the weight of my mind, but to me it was a good riddance. I was sure that it never helped me when I needed it most anyway.
I was completely accepting of an unknown fate I was too afraid to confront on my own.
Soon my physical health started to falter. I was withering away, numbingly chasing nothing–like always, but the only end I was approaching was my own.
I breathed for the first time when you touched my hand. I wasn’t even conscious enough to realize you were hauling my weight with all of your strength.
This whole time I was too blind to notice you out morning till night trying to save me. I took wild gulps of air in front of you as if I completely forgot what it was like.
Then suddenly…I was safe.
My first thought was frantic and,selfishly, not of you, but of the rainbow I was sure I almost had.
There was no rainbow. There was never a rainbow.
There was only you
and me
and the world.
You didn’t see it as selfishness. Instead you took me into your arms for what felt like a freeing forever. and me
and the world.
You said I was free now. You told me I didn’t have to search for an end anymore.
Now that I’ve found you there’s no more chasing rainbows and hoping for an end to them.
Their arches were always illusions - solid at first glance.
I always tried to touch them, but there never was anything to hold onto.
The colors used to lure me in, but you put an end to my chase.
Until you found me, I never truly noticed that I had to decide between playing this game forever or living my own life.
It always felt like I had a war in my mind I couldn't escape. My only momentary escape was chasing what I thought could fix me.
You rejected my claims that you fixed me. You told me the only person who had the ability to was always myself.
Still, you gifted me clarity and purpose–and showed me how free I could really be.
