[Athamar: Quests from Lorana] Ask sneaky's Characters

sneakyonfoota

sneakyonfoota

flightless bird
SNEAKY

Hullo, gentle viewer and welcome to the programme.

sneaky taps a stack of cue cards by their edges against a desk.



We've a number of guests on the offering this evening (or morning or afternoon, if applicable), and it is with esteem that I introduce them to you.


• Marilyn Gale; a female human mage, arcane apprentice


• Aloysius Mandelbaum; a male human jack-of-trades, "don't call me a mook"


• Wind O'Sheel; a female elf ranger, professional soldier


• Gruuhl Salamabad; a male giant(?) druid, monolithic mystery


• Reina Song; a female human pikeman, officer of His Royal Highness' Dragoon Corps of Lamordia


• Annika Cederstrom; a female human rassaphore, cleric of Freyja

SNEAKY

Oh, and that Dryden fellow, I suppose.


It is with regret to inform you all that Miss Gale will not be with us. Now then, let's get the session rolling, please. Audience?

sneaky leans forward at the desk.

Do keep it civil.
 
SNEAKY

Ladies and gentlemen, a warm welcome for Ms. Wind O'sheel.

A rather tall elven woman of dark complexion enters from stage right. She wears an evening gown with a high neck and a daring slit up her leg. A bodice adorns her midriff. A cashmere shawl connects both arms above her elbows and a pair of silver spectacles obscures her icy blue eyes. She dips and bows respectfully to sneaky and the audience in turn before taking her seat beside the desk.

Thank you for joining us, Ms. O'Sheel.

WIND

It is my honour. Thank you for having me.

SNEAKY

Now, the question was: 'of speed, precision, or power, which do you prefer when fighting?'

WIND

I tend to be more inclined toward precision, I find. But I must say this: personal preference aside, one must match the correct strategy to the correct circumstances. And also, I believe it must be acknowledged, that speed, precision and power all have their inherent defects.

SNEAKY

Would you elaborate on that, please?

WIND

Certainly. The defect of power would be misdirection. The defect of speed: haste. And of precision, its fatal defect is neurosis.

SNEAKY

Now, what do you mean when you say 'neurosis'?

WIND

Precision is patience. And also, those who are precise, are often perfectionists. Doubts may surface--'is now the time to strike?' 'Is this my opportunity now?' It requires discipline--'nerves', I believe some would say. The fear of not making the shot when it matters or exposing yourself to the enemy by missing: on the battlefield, there are dire situations where to shoot or not to shoot may turn the tide of battle--or in the very least, mean life or death for the shooter.

SNEAKY

Grave matters.
 
WIND

I oblige the 'twinned blade' style.

SNEAKY

Whose roots, I understand, lie in Perennon?

Wind nods.

WIND

Indeed.

sneaky rests chin on folded hands, hunching forward on the desk.

SNEAKY

It's an ancient art, then, is it?

WIND

Tradition. Specifically, I opt for the "diplomatic" form, balancing offence and defense: the greeting, the riposte, feints and parries.

SNEAKY

I believe an earlier rendition of your character sheet had a khopesh amongst your equipment.

WIND

I do not deny that.

SNEAKY

Shall we be seeing it?

Wind purses her lips thoughtfully.

WIND

If the situation requires.
 
@Annika: What do you think of people who do not follow your specific religion?
 
SNEAKY

Let's ask her, shall we? Ladies and gentlemen, Sister Annika Cederstrom of Soriritas Mortis.

Annika enters the stage waving to the audience, greeted by soft applause. She is wearing her habit, whose flowing tunic flares as she strides to her seat on a sofa next to Wind.

ANNIKA

(bowing slightly)

Thank you for the kind introduction!

SNEAKY

Our pleasure. Now, you won't mind terribly if we start with the question straight away?

Annika shakes her head slightly with a smile.

ANNIKA

Oh, not at all! Please.

SNEAKY

The question was: "What do you think of people who do not follow your specific religion?"

Annika tilts her head.

ANNIKA

Hm?

SNEAKY

Do you think poorly of them?

Annika shakes her head and waves her hands in the negative.

ANNIKA

Oh, no, no, no! Why, The Sisterhood itself is merely a facet of a greater church, which in itself is part of Athamar's long-standing pantheon. So...

SNEAKY

I don't think that quite answers the question, dear.

Wind pours water into a tumbler from a provided pitcher.

WIND

Have you any prejudices toward any other sects or gods and their followers, I believe is the intention.

Wind turns to sneaky.

I apologize if I overstepped.

sneaky gestures that all is well.

Meanwhile, Annika fidgets for a moment, as though collecting her thoughts.



ANNIKA

I'm sorry... I meant to say that the Sisterhood acknowledges and accepts all of the different sects and orders of the world. Death is a companion. And Freyja's duty is the ferrying of the dead and their judgment--the judgment of the soul is done with the assistance of the patron god of the fallen, while the mortal church deals with the sanctification of the body. So, um... to answer the question... I guess it would be best to say that... It's wonderful for anyone to accept the divine--um, any god--in one's life, and by doing so, one can embrace the divine in death and know peace.

Annika smiles.

Why follow a god if it does not bring you happiness?

SNEAKY

Thank you, that will do nicely.
 
sneaky sips from a mug.

SNEAKY

And they're really coming out of the woodwork now, ladies and gentlemen. May we have Mr. Aloysius Mandelbaum to the stage, please?

No one comes.



sneaky frowns and looks up at the director's booth. Leaning over the desk, sneaky looks toward stage right.

SNEAKY

Hello? Green room? That was a cue.

A 'scruffy-with-a-bit-of-spit-polish' man stumbles out from the curtains and waves to the audience after recovery. His clothing is rather common: kecks, worn shoes and a tunic; over which is a slightly soiled but vividly coloured Lamordian infantry dress coat, worn open. He mouths thank-yous, and nods while traipsing casually towards the desk. He feigns another stumble into a roll on the floor back to standing, posing with arms raised before bowing at the waist and continuing on.



Annika claps politely.



ANNIKA

Ooo!



Wind sips water.



Before reaching the desk he bows slightly in greeting to Annika, shares a cheek-to-cheek kiss with Wind and shakes sneaky's hand before delivering a cheek-to-cheek in greeting.



He then shuffles backward to plop next to Annika on the sofa.

SNEAKY

(introducing)

Aloysius Mandelbaum.

Al gives a casual salute to the host.

SNEAKY

(referring to the jacket)

You've enlisted, have you, Mr. Mandelbaum?

AL

Hey! Call me 'Al'.


(pulling on a lapel) And this thing? Won it in a card game. Looks sharp, don't it?

SNEAKY

We've a question for you.

AL

(clapping his palms together)

Lay it on me.

SNEAKY

Your favourite location in this wide world of ours.

AL

*phew* Whoa. Whole world, huh?

He slumps forward, resting his chin on his palm, resting on his knee while chewing on his lower lip. After a long 'hmm' he sits back again.

AL

Well, let's name some places off the top of my head... There's Salaplun, Heremikia, Heimdahl, Quintalopapia... Erm... You know, there's this pie festival in Statham-on-Roche that's--

SNEAKY

Keep it to canon, please, Mr. Mandelbaum.

Al clicks his tongue.

AL

Well, then. Hm. Um... Porzul?

He grins, folds his hands and sits back into the sofa.



sneaky spreads hands.

SNEAKY

(prompting)

Porzul?

AL

(satisfied)

Porzul.

SNEAKY

What about Porzul? Please, tell us about Porzul. What about Porzul makes it your favourite?

AL

Wellll... It's sort of home away from home. I got lotsa good--fond memories of Porzul. Among them are not, however, the unpredictable weather, the stink of the inlets before they meet the sea and the clam chowder from the Spawning Sturgeon pub.

His brow wrinkles in thought.

AL

The esoteric methods of law enforcement sorta works in and out of favour for a maverick-type gentleman such as myself. All in all... I'd give that part of Porzul a four out of ten.

SNEAKY

And overall?

Al frowns and rolls his eyes as if doing six-digit arithmetic in his head.

AL

A seven.

SNEAKY

You're a man of truly distinguished tastes, Mr. Mandelbaum.

He buffs his fingernails on his lapels and then admires them in the lights.

AL

'Al'.
 
SNEAKY

Guests, kindly make room on the sofa for Lieutenant Reina Song.

Annika budges up closer to the arm of the sofa on her side. Al barely does so, his legs still spread a little too comfortably for television.



Wind gives Al a withering look over the top of her spectacles, to which he grimaces slightly and moves over more and snaps his legs together. He flashes a grin and a salute Wind's way.



A woman with short, pixie-like hair and tanned fair skin walks onto the stage from audience's left. She wears a perturbed expression and her walk in heels is unnatural and stilted.



She wears a pencil dress of a dark shade of burgundy, which she smoothes out self-consciously.



Before reaching the sofa she slips on her right heel, forcing her to stumble and catch the sofa's arm before falling.

REINA

(under her breath)

Frikkity-frack-frack-frack...!

SNEAKY

Are you quite all right?

A stage hand jogs onto the stage but is rebuffed by Reina who stretches out a hand and shoos him away.

AL

'Y'okay?

REINA

Yeah, I'm fine. Stupid heels...

She clings to the sofa arm and removes her pumps. With the pair hooked by their counters with her right hand she plops down on the sofa between Annika and Al.



Annika waves friendly.



Reina sighs in exasperation and tosses the shoes over her shoulder where they strike the thick set curtain and clatter to the floor. She sits more at home than Al was earlier, her arms stretched across the back of the sofa and her legs apart.



sneaky leans over.

SNEAKY

Settled in now?

REINA

*sigh* Yeah, sorry. Had a big ol' thing with wardrobe and... yeah. Well, whatever. I'm here now.

SNEAKY

Well, you look ravishing today, Lt. Song. Isn't that right, audience?

The audience obliges with applause, along with Annika and a rather animated Al who adds an Arsenio Hall circular fist pump.



Reina seems to be put at ease, though she still pulls down her skirt and neurotically adjusts the dress in places, showing her discomfort. She puts her knees together and leans forward with her hands folded on her lap and looks to sneaky.

REINA

(to sneaky) Uh, thanks. (to the audience) Thank you, everyone, glad to be here. (back to sneaky) There was a question, right?

SNEAKY

Cor-rect. And it was: "Reina, describe your perfect day."

Reina smiles and her mouth mimes an "ooo".

REINA

Um, okay. Is this like a one-million platinum type of perfect day, or like... a "normal" perfect day?

SNEAKY

Well, would you answer both?

REINA

Okay...

She seems to be at a loss.

SNEAKY

To start, how about the less exciting scenario? What's a "normal" perfect day for you?

REINA

Well if it's "normal" perfect, it's gotta be a pass day. Like the weekend, I mean.

She pauses.

And I'd be back home. I mean, don't get me wrong, Lorana's fine and all. It's just not home. And I'm goin' back there someday, so I don't wanna get too comfortable, you know?

She shakes her head.

Anyway. Sorry. And I get to sleep in. Weekend and sleep in. And it's like late spring when it's not hot enough to be summer so you can sleep with a nice, thick blanket and laze away the morning. Like, sure, I'd still wake up at the crack of dawn, but I wouldn't be up, you know? At least until I had to go to the W.C. But when I do, I'd get up, wear my comfiest clothes and go to this one café that I miss terribly back in the city.

SNEAKY

Lamordia, correct?

Reina nods.

REINA

And I'd have grilled egg-dipped toast. With cinnamon and cream and syrup. And like the best coffee... not that lousy chicory stuff that they try to pass off for coffee in the barracks... real coffee in a little cup that you drink black and have to slam back. And I'd just go around and window shop, maybe buy myself a treat, say 'hi' to the shopkeepers and talk and hear the gossip. It's a whole lot of nothing... just bein' free, you know? Maybe I could catch up with a friend, maybe I could just wander around and see where my feet take me? There's like bills for shows and things to do posted everywhere. It's not hard to find something fun. Or something new. Or something dumb. But that's part of the fun, you know? I guess finding something fun by accident is the best. Oh, and there's always new places to eat popping up! And at night in the late spring, when it's getting warm enough they start opening up the patios and hosting bands... and... well, it's just... perfect, you know? Then I get to drink, stumble a bit home and fall immediately to sleep. That's a good day for me.

AL

Nice.

Al claps, provoking the audience to do the same.

AL

Kinda romantic, even.

SNEAKY

If that is a "normal" perfect day, I can't wait to hear what your "million platinum" perfect day would be.

REINA

(dead serious)

Complete hedonism.

AL

Ooo baby.

REINA

I would do everything. Everything. Everything I'd do on a "normal" perfect day? I'd do it like a million times over.

SNEAKY

Still in Lamordia?

AL

Porzul's fun.

SNEAKY

Seven-out-of-ten fun.

AL

Just don't go on a Tuesday.

REINA

Now that you mention it... maybe I'd go to Corus. No, um... Espeos. Or Lumina. Make it both, if I can do it.

SNEAKY

Fond of travelling?

REINA

(grunts) Not really. But if I could afford a sweet ride like a flying mount--like a wyvern! Wyverns are spectacular.

SNEAKY

Right, I think we're meandering now. Thank you, Lt. Song. It's time for the next question!
 
REINA

Hey! There's a lot of things you can do with a pike!

SNEAKY

Do tell.

REINA

Well, in solo combat, a polearm is just as versatile as a quarterstaff. Only slashier and stabbier. And it's got wicked reach. I'd like to see you trip a guy with a sword, let alone dismount him.

SNEAKY

And elsewise?

REINA

In formation combat, a polearm corps is a core unit, up there with archers and cavalry. In Lamordia we're training more pikeman than we are swordsmen now. Polearm units create perimeters that keep mounted units at bay, and by merit of reach we can engage footmen in melee before they have a chance of penetrating the line. And if we're working in concert with a shield wall, we can stab with impunity. And then just march over infantry while our archers keep raining death.

She leans forward on her knees.

REINA

But to be honest... yeah. I wasn't sold on the pike at first. But you gotta see how many different kinda pole-arms there are! There's halberds and bardiches and glaives...! Anyway. I totally get why the sword is so popular. But after training and fighting with it... the pole-arm's here to stay. And it might even outlast the blade on the battlefield. I mean sure, I still have a sword as a back-up--that's smart, but when I was out in the field, doing my duty in the frontier... Never had to unsheathe it.

AL

I just wanna go out there and say I'm kinda glad that we're not in the middle of a war right now. I mean, in an altruistic sense, you know... Not in a business sense.
 
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