Venom Adhamm
No one is ever going to want me
A conceptual collection of poems, dealing with the themes of God, love, loneliness, and depression.
The first thing I've written in years that I feel even a little bit proud of.
Thank you for reading.
A War Without End
by Adhamm
TRACKLIST:
1. Bright Lights, Empty Sky
2. Palace of Glass
3. The Voice of God
4. Love Yourself
5. Waiting for Cute and Loving Tomboys to Arrive at my Doorstep
6. More Weight
7. Yurina
8. The Longest Night / The Sun Rises on Another Day in a War Without End
1. Bright Lights, Empty Sky
2. Palace of Glass
3. The Voice of God
4. Love Yourself
5. Waiting for Cute and Loving Tomboys to Arrive at my Doorstep
6. More Weight
7. Yurina
8. The Longest Night / The Sun Rises on Another Day in a War Without End
The first thing I've written in years that I feel even a little bit proud of.
Thank you for reading.
A War Without End
by Adhamm
TRACKLIST:
1. Bright Lights, Empty Sky
2. Palace of Glass
3. The Voice of God
4. Love Yourself
5. Waiting for Cute and Loving Tomboys to Arrive at my Doorstep
6. More Weight
7. Yurina
8. The Longest Night / The Sun Rises on Another Day in a War Without End
1. Bright Lights, Empty Sky
The city is numb and so am I
Should I prescribe some alcohol
Choke on pills throughout the night?
Or maybe I'll just stick to the old kitchen knife
Thinking like that is dishonest
I know I'm too tired to do anything
There's an emptiness void of feeling
And it can't be filled with drink or pills or blood
Is Jesus still asleep in the tomb?
Maybe he never did rise
Maybe I'm the sacrifice
Maybe there's no God or meaning at all
Or maybe he just doesn't give a shit
About these all these apes dying in his circus
If they were around back then, I'm sure
The Humane Society would've lobbied against the creation of Adam
And the Great Flood was an act of mercy
That he just didn't take far enough
A blank sky glares down at me
The city's lights illuminate a face that I hate
Everything grows distant, it all starts to fade
As I feel less and less human, it's clear to see
I don't need a drink to lose myself completely
Should I prescribe some alcohol
Choke on pills throughout the night?
Or maybe I'll just stick to the old kitchen knife
Thinking like that is dishonest
I know I'm too tired to do anything
There's an emptiness void of feeling
And it can't be filled with drink or pills or blood
Is Jesus still asleep in the tomb?
Maybe he never did rise
Maybe I'm the sacrifice
Maybe there's no God or meaning at all
Or maybe he just doesn't give a shit
About these all these apes dying in his circus
If they were around back then, I'm sure
The Humane Society would've lobbied against the creation of Adam
And the Great Flood was an act of mercy
That he just didn't take far enough
A blank sky glares down at me
The city's lights illuminate a face that I hate
Everything grows distant, it all starts to fade
As I feel less and less human, it's clear to see
I don't need a drink to lose myself completely
2. Palace of Glass
I built this palace out of glass
So everyone could peek inside
And make up their mind right there
If they liked what they saw
I polished these walls, made everything clean and neat
When the months got cold and grey, I turned up the heat
When the days got sticky and hot, I turned the glass to ice
I wanted to take care of anyone who came in for a spell
But when the years got lonely, there was nothing I could do
I prettied up the outside
Washed off the dirt, put up the decor
I did all that I could to make my palace a home
I wanted anyone to be attracted and come inside for awhile
But when everyone passed on by, there was nothing I could do
In this palace of glass,
It's cold and dark all year-round
Like a place locked in time
A home for none but one tired soul
Someone's cut out the power
Not a spark of energy flows through this place
It grows worse and worse as time goes on
The walls encased by dust
The place chills to the bone
It gets right down in there and freezes your spine
I tried to make it nice once, but now it's in ruins
There are cracks in this palace of glass
And even more broken is the boy trapped inside
I can't stand this palace of glass
I always look out but no one looks in
Everything looks better out there
All the people are together out there
No one wants to enter my dying house
A guest for the night is all I need, how should I proceed?
I will die here
Don't need to even keep a look out, buddy, no one's coming
Not even maggots would come here to gnaw at my flesh
Nor vultures to land and pick clean these bones
I'll be an outcast, even as I draw my last
My broken, busted body will be perfectly preserved here
In this prison of glass
So everyone could peek inside
And make up their mind right there
If they liked what they saw
I polished these walls, made everything clean and neat
When the months got cold and grey, I turned up the heat
When the days got sticky and hot, I turned the glass to ice
I wanted to take care of anyone who came in for a spell
But when the years got lonely, there was nothing I could do
I prettied up the outside
Washed off the dirt, put up the decor
I did all that I could to make my palace a home
I wanted anyone to be attracted and come inside for awhile
But when everyone passed on by, there was nothing I could do
In this palace of glass,
It's cold and dark all year-round
Like a place locked in time
A home for none but one tired soul
Someone's cut out the power
Not a spark of energy flows through this place
It grows worse and worse as time goes on
The walls encased by dust
The place chills to the bone
It gets right down in there and freezes your spine
I tried to make it nice once, but now it's in ruins
There are cracks in this palace of glass
And even more broken is the boy trapped inside
I can't stand this palace of glass
I always look out but no one looks in
Everything looks better out there
All the people are together out there
No one wants to enter my dying house
A guest for the night is all I need, how should I proceed?
I will die here
Don't need to even keep a look out, buddy, no one's coming
Not even maggots would come here to gnaw at my flesh
Nor vultures to land and pick clean these bones
I'll be an outcast, even as I draw my last
My broken, busted body will be perfectly preserved here
In this prison of glass
3. The Voice of God
Hey there kid, how you doing today?
Just thought I'd drop by while I was in town
See how much longer you're gonna feel down
And yeah I know it might be my fault
Yeah I know I dealt you a shitty hand
And that I hand-picked every card but
Don't you think you deserve it?
Because when you put everyone down
Now it all just comes around
Yeah I know it might be my fault
Yeah I know a cruel life made you this way
And that I pulled every little string but
Man there's people got it worse than you
Look at all the folk I let drown in sudden floods
At all the kids I let writhe in their own blood
And about half of them are going to Hell
At least you're still drawing breath, but
I can see you'd probably prefer not to
You know kid, I could make it all go away
No more pain, one way or another
I could end your life right here
An act of mercy from one you should fear
Or I'll do you one better, bless you with gifts people would want
Bless you with looks and confidence,
With a smile that stops hearts
You'd finally be able to get out there,
Finally find someone to love you
Yeah, I could give you all that
But kid,
You're asking a little much
It's nothing for me to help you
Just give me one goddamn reason I should
Just thought I'd drop by while I was in town
See how much longer you're gonna feel down
And yeah I know it might be my fault
Yeah I know I dealt you a shitty hand
And that I hand-picked every card but
Don't you think you deserve it?
Because when you put everyone down
Now it all just comes around
Yeah I know it might be my fault
Yeah I know a cruel life made you this way
And that I pulled every little string but
Man there's people got it worse than you
Look at all the folk I let drown in sudden floods
At all the kids I let writhe in their own blood
And about half of them are going to Hell
At least you're still drawing breath, but
I can see you'd probably prefer not to
You know kid, I could make it all go away
No more pain, one way or another
I could end your life right here
An act of mercy from one you should fear
Or I'll do you one better, bless you with gifts people would want
Bless you with looks and confidence,
With a smile that stops hearts
You'd finally be able to get out there,
Finally find someone to love you
Yeah, I could give you all that
But kid,
You're asking a little much
It's nothing for me to help you
Just give me one goddamn reason I should
4. Love Yourself
Are you feeling all alone?
Does it seem the world just shuts you out?
Do you hear God laughing as he pulls his wicked strings,
And the puppets on stage all amble away from you?
Does your soul cry for a mate,
Does your heart long for some warmth,
Do your frozen veins thaw at the slightest hint of attraction?
Well if no one's there to love you
You just need to be a man
If no one's there to love you
You just gotta do it yourself
Yeah you don't need to hang from the shelf
Just love yourself
That's what they all say
That's what they'll all tell you
When you try to open up
Your tears stain the screen as you text them
Your hands quiver and your breath shakes
You shiver in the cold of a quiet empty room
After the sun sets on a painful afternoon
You tell them everything hurts,
And everything longs for someone
All these cuts on your wrists need to be kissed before they can heal
All these scars in your heart won't fade until you can feel
And all this pain just won't end, because every waking moment is a reminder
That no one has ever wanted you,
That no one has ever needed you,
That no one will ever miss you
And they'll skim through your heart
All poured out in the LEDs before them
And they'll snuggle just a bit closer
To the warmth of their naked lover
The pictures of a couple together will watch them from the walls
As they take a steady breath
Their lover entangles their fingers and reminds them they're wanted
And they'll say:
Well if no one's there to love you
You just need to be a man
If no one's there to love you
You just gotta do it yourself
Yeah you don't need to hang from the shelf
Just love yourself
Just love yourself
Just love yourself
I've heard it a million times before
And I've tried it a billion times before
And I went and danced with myself
I talked with myself, went to dinner with myself, bought gifts for myself
I was kind to myself
But I just couldn't look myself in the eye
And love something that's never been loved before
I've done all I could
So maybe I shouldn't expect someone else
To do what even I can't
Does it seem the world just shuts you out?
Do you hear God laughing as he pulls his wicked strings,
And the puppets on stage all amble away from you?
Does your soul cry for a mate,
Does your heart long for some warmth,
Do your frozen veins thaw at the slightest hint of attraction?
Well if no one's there to love you
You just need to be a man
If no one's there to love you
You just gotta do it yourself
Yeah you don't need to hang from the shelf
Just love yourself
That's what they all say
That's what they'll all tell you
When you try to open up
Your tears stain the screen as you text them
Your hands quiver and your breath shakes
You shiver in the cold of a quiet empty room
After the sun sets on a painful afternoon
You tell them everything hurts,
And everything longs for someone
All these cuts on your wrists need to be kissed before they can heal
All these scars in your heart won't fade until you can feel
And all this pain just won't end, because every waking moment is a reminder
That no one has ever wanted you,
That no one has ever needed you,
That no one will ever miss you
And they'll skim through your heart
All poured out in the LEDs before them
And they'll snuggle just a bit closer
To the warmth of their naked lover
The pictures of a couple together will watch them from the walls
As they take a steady breath
Their lover entangles their fingers and reminds them they're wanted
And they'll say:
Well if no one's there to love you
You just need to be a man
If no one's there to love you
You just gotta do it yourself
Yeah you don't need to hang from the shelf
Just love yourself
Just love yourself
Just love yourself
I've heard it a million times before
And I've tried it a billion times before
And I went and danced with myself
I talked with myself, went to dinner with myself, bought gifts for myself
I was kind to myself
But I just couldn't look myself in the eye
And love something that's never been loved before
I've done all I could
So maybe I shouldn't expect someone else
To do what even I can't
5. Waiting for Cute and Loving Tomboys to Arrive at my Doorstep
What's happened to me?
I've become what I hate
What's happened to me?
There's just nothing to take
No drink to soothe me
No drug to cure me
No one to save me
And all that went through my mind was-
And so I fell to my knees
I cursed at the sky
And my tears flooded my room
My cries drowned out the world
And all that went through my mind was-
Someone's bound to come around some day
If I just wait here, if I just wait here
Someone's bound to care about me some day
And so I'll wait here, I'll wait here
Yeah, she'll be better than I could ever imagine
Handsome, sweet, and all that I want
Someone to clean up this mess
Someone to make me better
Someone's bound to come around some day
I just have to wait here, just have to wait here
But all that went through my mind was-
Another sun sets
Another month crossed off
The ball in Times Square drops
And I'm still here just watching it all
A spectator in a world I don't get to be a part of
"Someone's bound to come around some day"
Must've been ten years ago when I first said that
But everyone's just passed on by
I feel like twice my age, but look like half
Yeah, not exactly the most attractive thing in town
But I thought that
I hoped that
That someone might feel something for me
That someone might give a damn
That someone might look right into my eyes
Tell me they care
Tell me it's all gonna be okay now
"The pain's gonna stop right now,
Because I'm here for you,
Don't worry about a thing
I'm here for you."
There's a party on across the street
A couple getting it on just next door
And as I look back on all the years that sprinted by
Think back on all the tears I've cried
Stare at the holes I've punched in these walls
All that goes through my mind is:
Nobody's coming.
I've become what I hate
What's happened to me?
There's just nothing to take
No drink to soothe me
No drug to cure me
No one to save me
And all that went through my mind was-
And so I fell to my knees
I cursed at the sky
And my tears flooded my room
My cries drowned out the world
And all that went through my mind was-
Someone's bound to come around some day
If I just wait here, if I just wait here
Someone's bound to care about me some day
And so I'll wait here, I'll wait here
Yeah, she'll be better than I could ever imagine
Handsome, sweet, and all that I want
Someone to clean up this mess
Someone to make me better
Someone's bound to come around some day
I just have to wait here, just have to wait here
But all that went through my mind was-
Another sun sets
Another month crossed off
The ball in Times Square drops
And I'm still here just watching it all
A spectator in a world I don't get to be a part of
"Someone's bound to come around some day"
Must've been ten years ago when I first said that
But everyone's just passed on by
I feel like twice my age, but look like half
Yeah, not exactly the most attractive thing in town
But I thought that
I hoped that
That someone might feel something for me
That someone might give a damn
That someone might look right into my eyes
Tell me they care
Tell me it's all gonna be okay now
"The pain's gonna stop right now,
Because I'm here for you,
Don't worry about a thing
I'm here for you."
There's a party on across the street
A couple getting it on just next door
And as I look back on all the years that sprinted by
Think back on all the tears I've cried
Stare at the holes I've punched in these walls
All that goes through my mind is:
Nobody's coming.
6. More Weight
If I'm not dead, this cross ain't heavy enough
Let's go big man, you and me
Pile on the stones until I finally give
It's nothing to me when I can't bear to live
If I'm still breathing, you ain't fucked me enough
More weight, more weight
Let's see the worst that God can do
Yeah I'll bear another cross or two
Is that all you're gonna put me through?
If my heart's still beating, you ain't tortured me enough
You went too fast at the starting line
Bestowed your curses all at one time
So let's go big man, you and me
Drive the nails a few inches deeper
Chop my limbs, make me a quadruple amputee
Pluck my eyes and take my sight
I can't stand to look at the Hell you've made anyway
More weight, more weight
Let's see the worst that God can do
Yeah I'll bear another cross or two
Is that all you're gonna put me through?
I can't feel it anymore
I can't feel anything anymore
Lord, I think that makes me stronger than you
Kid, you're out of my hands
You're growing less amusing day by day
So I suppose I'll just leave you to your own devices
Leave you to your own selfish vices
It took me nineteen years to figure you out
But now I know, oh now I see
Not even I can torture you as well as you do it to yourself
You do it to yourself
Every night you've cried alone
Every day you can't help but want to break everything in sight
Every person you push away
Everything you've set your hands on and ruined
It was only you
It was only ever you
You do it to yourself
So go ahead and pile it on
More weight, more weight
All the worst is what you're turning out to be
You can bear another cross or three
If that's what you think will set you free
And just because you can't feel it
Doesn't mean it's not there
I see how hard you try to numb it
Pretend all you want,
Pretend you can't feel a thing
But I know it's still eating you up inside
If just being alone makes you wanna die
Then kid, maybe you might as well
You aren't stronger than anyone
Let's go big man, you and me
Pile on the stones until I finally give
It's nothing to me when I can't bear to live
If I'm still breathing, you ain't fucked me enough
More weight, more weight
Let's see the worst that God can do
Yeah I'll bear another cross or two
Is that all you're gonna put me through?
If my heart's still beating, you ain't tortured me enough
You went too fast at the starting line
Bestowed your curses all at one time
So let's go big man, you and me
Drive the nails a few inches deeper
Chop my limbs, make me a quadruple amputee
Pluck my eyes and take my sight
I can't stand to look at the Hell you've made anyway
More weight, more weight
Let's see the worst that God can do
Yeah I'll bear another cross or two
Is that all you're gonna put me through?
I can't feel it anymore
I can't feel anything anymore
Lord, I think that makes me stronger than you
Kid, you're out of my hands
You're growing less amusing day by day
So I suppose I'll just leave you to your own devices
Leave you to your own selfish vices
It took me nineteen years to figure you out
But now I know, oh now I see
Not even I can torture you as well as you do it to yourself
You do it to yourself
Every night you've cried alone
Every day you can't help but want to break everything in sight
Every person you push away
Everything you've set your hands on and ruined
It was only you
It was only ever you
You do it to yourself
So go ahead and pile it on
More weight, more weight
All the worst is what you're turning out to be
You can bear another cross or three
If that's what you think will set you free
And just because you can't feel it
Doesn't mean it's not there
I see how hard you try to numb it
Pretend all you want,
Pretend you can't feel a thing
But I know it's still eating you up inside
If just being alone makes you wanna die
Then kid, maybe you might as well
You aren't stronger than anyone
7. Yurina
The coldest days are when I need you most
I just settle down, close my eyes
Let you take care of everything
The only times I feel fine are when your hands wrap around mine
I know it's not real, but it's all I that I have
I know it's not real, but it's all I that I have
Whenever I need you, you're always on time
In a tailored suit, with that handsome smile
You're the only thing that brings life to these tired bones
The only reason this heart still tries to beat
You're the only one who's ever on my mind
And I hope wherever you are, you'll make it out just fine
But who ever really does?
I know it's not real, but it's all that I have
I know it's not real, but it's all that I have
You're coming around now like you always do
My only reprieve is when I'm in your arms
And you whisper so sweetly to me:
"Adhamm, it'll be okay
You don't have to try to be a man anymore
Just let it all out, just let it all go
I know that you've been fighting all day
I know, I know, I know
But I'm here for you now
Hush now, my precious boy
Quiet down your tired voice
You can rest easy tonight
I'll stay right by your side
I'll make the pain stop."
The coldest days are when I wake up and you aren't around
All I want is to go back to dreaming of you
I know you're not real, but you're all that I have
I just settle down, close my eyes
Let you take care of everything
The only times I feel fine are when your hands wrap around mine
I know it's not real, but it's all I that I have
I know it's not real, but it's all I that I have
Whenever I need you, you're always on time
In a tailored suit, with that handsome smile
You're the only thing that brings life to these tired bones
The only reason this heart still tries to beat
You're the only one who's ever on my mind
And I hope wherever you are, you'll make it out just fine
But who ever really does?
I know it's not real, but it's all that I have
I know it's not real, but it's all that I have
You're coming around now like you always do
My only reprieve is when I'm in your arms
And you whisper so sweetly to me:
"Adhamm, it'll be okay
You don't have to try to be a man anymore
Just let it all out, just let it all go
I know that you've been fighting all day
I know, I know, I know
But I'm here for you now
Hush now, my precious boy
Quiet down your tired voice
You can rest easy tonight
I'll stay right by your side
I'll make the pain stop."
The coldest days are when I wake up and you aren't around
All I want is to go back to dreaming of you
I know you're not real, but you're all that I have
8. The Longest Night / The Sun Rises on Another Day in a War Without End
A pall of tar stretches out all around me
In every direction, in every moment
There is no light bright enough to piece it
It brings in its shadow
Like a nightmare that knows no waking
A living hell with no salvation
But I know I'm awake and that's the worst of it
I know I'm alive and I don't know if I can take it
These frozen tears lock my eyes open
The thoughts race through my mind without end
All the places I've been, all the people I've met
All the connections I could never make
And I was stupid enough to think this might end
Just dumb enough to think something good might happen some day
Get me a body pillow or a body bag
I'm gonna need the comfort tonight
When the walls of glass came crashing down
I saw the reflection I hate in the shards
That's when I knew it all came around
I pray to a God I don't believe
I beg for a life I cannot lead
I plead for some small amount of joy, but I know...
I don't deserve it
It's just like every night, but there's no end in sight
Even when nothing bad happened
Even when I did everything right
Oh, it's all the same
I'll never see an end to this pain
I hope there's a Hell I'm condemned to
Because I'd sure like to see something worse than this
It's the longest night I've ever known
Gonna sharpen a knife till I can get right to the bone
Maybe then I'd finally feel alive
Someone please end this fucking horror show
I can't keep pushing on when nothing ever moves
I'd kill myself if I could, but I'd just fuck it up like everything else I do
It's the longest night I've ever known, but somehow, some way...
It'll only get worse when the sun comes up
...
Another restless night passes
As the sun sets fire to an oily sky
The brands of yesterday still burn
Everything aches, but here I go marching again
Another day arrives, and I must take up this cross
I wish I could find a nice spot to set it in
Pick a nice hill to get crucified on
But nothing good ever happens to me
I'll carry this tree until I'm crushed beneath
This broken soul screams for someone
It just needs one person to come along
With every alarm, a brave new day
With every day, an all-new pain
It's always the same, but somehow it's worse
I can't keep up with it all
I'm in the trenches and I can't see out
I can't look forward and I can't look back
There's nothing here but blood and mud
There's no one here but me
But I can't make it, I can't take it
All I ever do is suffer alone
Gunfire rattles overhead, but not a single shot will save me
Someone's shouting commands in a language I don't understand
Take me off of the frontlines
I'm more used to taking a backseat anyway
That's how it's always been
That's how it'll always be
But why's it gotta happen to me?
I've only ever wanted love, is that so bad?
Just someone who gives a damn
Make me feel like it's worth being alive
Make all of this worthwhile
Care about me and make me feel like I'm not a fucking inhuman beast,
A waste of space, a defect of evolution
Someone to make me finally feel human
But no matter how hard I tried
No matter how much I bled and begged
All I ever got was...
A pain that doesn't stop,
A scar that can't fade,
Wounds that won't mend,
Another day in a war without end
In every direction, in every moment
There is no light bright enough to piece it
It brings in its shadow
Like a nightmare that knows no waking
A living hell with no salvation
But I know I'm awake and that's the worst of it
I know I'm alive and I don't know if I can take it
These frozen tears lock my eyes open
The thoughts race through my mind without end
All the places I've been, all the people I've met
All the connections I could never make
And I was stupid enough to think this might end
Just dumb enough to think something good might happen some day
Get me a body pillow or a body bag
I'm gonna need the comfort tonight
When the walls of glass came crashing down
I saw the reflection I hate in the shards
That's when I knew it all came around
I pray to a God I don't believe
I beg for a life I cannot lead
I plead for some small amount of joy, but I know...
I don't deserve it
It's just like every night, but there's no end in sight
Even when nothing bad happened
Even when I did everything right
Oh, it's all the same
I'll never see an end to this pain
I hope there's a Hell I'm condemned to
Because I'd sure like to see something worse than this
It's the longest night I've ever known
Gonna sharpen a knife till I can get right to the bone
Maybe then I'd finally feel alive
Someone please end this fucking horror show
I can't keep pushing on when nothing ever moves
I'd kill myself if I could, but I'd just fuck it up like everything else I do
It's the longest night I've ever known, but somehow, some way...
It'll only get worse when the sun comes up
...
Another restless night passes
As the sun sets fire to an oily sky
The brands of yesterday still burn
Everything aches, but here I go marching again
Another day arrives, and I must take up this cross
I wish I could find a nice spot to set it in
Pick a nice hill to get crucified on
But nothing good ever happens to me
I'll carry this tree until I'm crushed beneath
This broken soul screams for someone
It just needs one person to come along
With every alarm, a brave new day
With every day, an all-new pain
It's always the same, but somehow it's worse
I can't keep up with it all
I'm in the trenches and I can't see out
I can't look forward and I can't look back
There's nothing here but blood and mud
There's no one here but me
But I can't make it, I can't take it
All I ever do is suffer alone
Gunfire rattles overhead, but not a single shot will save me
Someone's shouting commands in a language I don't understand
Take me off of the frontlines
I'm more used to taking a backseat anyway
That's how it's always been
That's how it'll always be
But why's it gotta happen to me?
I've only ever wanted love, is that so bad?
Just someone who gives a damn
Make me feel like it's worth being alive
Make all of this worthwhile
Care about me and make me feel like I'm not a fucking inhuman beast,
A waste of space, a defect of evolution
Someone to make me finally feel human
But no matter how hard I tried
No matter how much I bled and begged
All I ever got was...
A pain that doesn't stop,
A scar that can't fade,
Wounds that won't mend,
Another day in a war without end
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