Regal
✯The Victorian♚
"Welcome to Dr Kaine's experimental 'Mercenary' program! Or EMP for short. Ever wanted to be a badass killer, warfighter? Look no further my dear child; because this is the program for you! It started during the 90's, everyone was scared that the military was getting 'soft', that they needed a training program that would get them ready for a possible WWIII. Of course, every soldier that was sent to do said program died a horrible death; but that's all fine and dandy. Oh, but Dr Kaine? If a trained mother fucking soldier died, what gives you the crazy notion that I won't? Kid, you're missing the point! You are scum, the bottom of the totem poll; worst thing that has ever been bred! Everyone on this planet thinks you should just... Die. Wanna prove them wrong? Do you think you're worth a fuck? Then prove to the world that you can survive the impossible! Do everything in your mental capacity to solve the challenges and dead-falls of this badass program! Don't let anyone-even me, tell you that you deserve to die. Sure, your life sucks, doesn't it? You're probably the kind of person who has been quitting everything you have ever tried! One more question Dr Kaine... What would I get from such a program? A certificate and a pat on the back? Fuck no!!! Not only will your pathetic life be given meaning, but every 'winner' gets a lifetime check of 20 grand a month! Early retirement? Yes please! Even prisoners may partake in the festivities! And yes, you'll be freed as soon as you win. Age limit? Fuck no!!! You can run away from home to partake! We are completely sanctioned by the government to completely allow anyone able to walk on two feet to participate."
"Now, I'm sure everyone of you are confused as to what the fuck y'all will actually be doing. It's quite simple! EVERYTHING! This training simulator throws everything that you can possibly imagine at you, and makes you pick up the broken pieces to help with the next challenge. Ever been in a fist fight with a winged knight fully clothed in silver/gold armor high on shrooms?! Ever had to make a parachute from someone's skin in order to survive a free fall? Ever had to breathe in nothing but toxic gasses while trying to conduct a sword fight with bugs/spiders the size of skyscrapers?!?! Guess what kid, don't think for a second that you won't be challenged. Sure, you'll start off slow, maybe... But look on the bright side, nobody needs to die for you to win! Teamwork! Yeah!!! Working together is definitely an option! Just waltz on over to the HQ located in Hollywood California, and we will quickly sign your ass up! But Dr Kaine, what if we don't even have two pennies to rub together? How would our sorry asses possibly make it to Hollywood? Kid! I thought you were done with the questions! Whatever... EMP will be more than happy to fund your travel and food costs! Not only that; clothing as well! As you can no obviously see; the government 'really' wants your cooperation! Help yourself by helping your country! That is all... We love you Dr Kaine!"
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