RpNation

As for my friends here I will be honest saying i don't remember most of you. I don't mean that in a mean way or to be rude.
I have a hard time even remembering yesterday. The only way I remember someone is if I have atleast weekly contact with them.
Im 22 now. Im feckin old. I'm engaged with my boyfriend now (Don't ask about a wedding date as I still don't know)

I have a good support group of friends now one in particular and thats Panda.
As for roleplaying. I still RP mostly with Raven one of the best rp partners I've ever had.
I wish all of you the best of luck and hope you all are happy and healthy and get through all this crap in the world safe and sound.

to one specific ex friend from Aurakingdom.
Not sure if you still come on here you're the only ex friend I speak highly of and I will always love you as a sister.
Im sorry that becoming friends again seems to be impossible, I just do genuinely think we'd just fight again and I'd rather be acquaintances and sisters with good memories than bestfriends and sisters who hate eachothers guts and become toxic for one another. The two of us have changed too much since AK thats the sad truth and theres really no going back to that. We'd just fight again even if I do love you.

To everyone who hasn't f*cked me over or bullied me or abused me in some way. Stranger who I may of spoke to only once and friend alike. You are valid, you are precious, you are important. You will someday if you haven't already find that perfect friend or perfect friend group a home where you belong. I wish you safety, health and happiness on that journey.

Thank you for everything.

To the ex friends that never apologised or gave excuses while apologising and never fully accepted responsibility and worse were the ones who abused me without any remorse and do not see themselves as an abuser: I hope one day you can find love and can warm up that stone cold heart of yours. I hope one day you turn your life around because I do genuinely wish the best for the future you. For the present and past you tho not so much. Never contact my family. I mean all of my family including chosen family. Leave them be and go away. Im not having you do the same thing to them as you did to me. If in 5 years you are a different person (for the better) then hit my chosen family up. If you are the same stay away.
Another thing Leave me and my creative works alone. If I see anything of mine stolen Im not going to sit still thats including my old rps, my characters in your rps because those are my creative and intellectual property. You can use your own rps thats your right but you don't have the legal right to use my writing or my characters or my character art. Also don't keep taking the route of using my face and name online to set up dating profiles and facebooks and other social medias to ruin my IRL reputation and ruin my life because that is illegal and I've had to report such profiles and get them taken down. If this illegal behaviour continues I will take legal action on the culprits thats within my rights.

That is all thank you.

Just a few songs I want to add on with this. Enjoy. Im putting it under a spoiler so it doesn't spam my page or make my page laggy for people and with this im done.
This is my last goodbye to my exes which is more than you deserve after what you did. But Im getting closure for myself. I owe it to myself.

I was just thinking about you yesterday, seeing you on my followed list. I hope you life continues to improve and I'm so glad to hear you're doing better.

Kaerri I hope you've been doing well. Have you been okay? Eating and sleeping enough? Keeping hydrated? Happy?
It must be fate that I chose yesterday to pop up then if you were thinking of me
In all honesty I figured no one would even remember me anymore besides a few specific people because its been so long.

Coming back here in my 20s is kind of strange...seeing myself just makes me cringe so hard. I looked in my own about area and my first thought was "Ew gross wtf was wrong with me?"

Kaerri
Over the years I have discovered a few things and some things have happened a summary of the major parts of my life since I left.
I finally know im not broken. I found some labels that I identify under
Polyromantic (Meaning romantic attraction to many but not all. Not to be confused with panromantic which is attraction to all regardless of gender or anything else) I feel weird identifying with this because of possibly being Gray-Aro but when it comes to my romantic attraction when theres a bond this does apply so it is the closest label I can find.
Gray-Aro (Might be) Because I noticed I don't feel romantic attraction to most people without a strong bond with them however there has been numerous cases where I did with some people so I for sure dont fall under demi
Repulsed Asexual - I don't experience s*xual attraction and im repulsed by that kind of stuff

(I have to send this as multiple messages)

Kaerri
I've went through a lot of struggles since I came out of the closet as Asexual. Many people keep trying to erase the fact I don't only like cishet men and are trying to convince me I have to be straight. Waiting for the day they give up and realise its not gonna work like that.
I also learned quite a bit about my ancestors and the fact most of them were native american (only two were half or 1/4th the rest were all full) on my mothers side. So I learned a lot about the past and what my ancestors went through.
Still don't know where we came from though not sure what kind of native americans we are because too much of our history is erased because my grandma and great grandma tried to blend in with "the white man" and so they suppressed and got rid of a lot of the past. But it was still interesting to dig into history and find what we could on our family. So because even tho I ended up so pale it explains why I was darker as a kid and got so so so tan. So I've embraced my native american ancestors including my close relatives which passed a couple years ago. So im going by white and native american because I don't want to erase my family from my history by acting like they don't exist just because my skin is as pale as a sheet of paper now. Which many people tried to make me do and its like who the hell has the right to tell me to erase my family by erasing a part of my blood? Thats beyond disrespectful to my ancestors and theres no way in hell I plan to do that no matter what slurs people throw at me from anywhere under the sun angry I embraced it when my skin is so pale. (this is not to say im going to claim POC. I know im not POC as im white af im pale and pasty. But I also AM native american its a huge part of my bloodline a close part of it no matter how I turned out and im not going to deny it because erasing it would be a disrespect to my grandma and all those before her)

Kaerri
Im engaged now, got engaged early this year actually. I was the one who popped the question and im making my fiance owe me a coffee for every single day he didn't propose to me. 7 years of coffee is quite expensive~
We've been renovating my apartment half of our apartment is fully renovated already and im excited for when everything is done.
I am on disability now for tourettes (as it majorly impacts my life and makes it hard for me to do some basic tasks) and severe social and general anxiety (Finally got an official diagnosis on those this year from the family doctor. Still not in therapy for it because its too damn expensive)
I am on a better diet (Cut out things like pork, turkey and beef, beans, broccoli, peas, peppers) that my body cant digest properly and took out allergens (Garlic & Tumeric)
so im doing a lot better physically too and feel so much lighter and my stomach doesn't end up in pain as much as it used to. I have started eating vegan foods which my stomach handles fine
I do still have chicken and fish from time to time because they aren't hard on the stomach for me. So yeah im doing much better physically compared to the past though I still have some issues with my stomach still and still have frequent headaches.

I'm so glad you're embracing who you are instead of trying to hide it. I wish our culture could be more accepting of people in general so that more could do that. Also glad you got officially diagnosed for things because I know from my own experience that they can be easier to deal with when you have medical recognition -- not just for therapy or medication or whatever, but on a personal level, when you can say "That's my anxiety acting up, I know what this is" instead of "OMG what is it now??" I've had several years of therapy for my own anxiety, and if you can't get into it yourself just now (I totally understand the cost prohibition), maybe look into self-guided meditation? There's bound to be something on YouTube at least, and I'm sure there's DVDs and CDs if you can afford those. My therapy was mostly guided meditation (she called it hypnotherapy, but also explained it's pretty much the same thing).

Forgot to add, congrats on the engagement! That's so exciting!

Kaerri I've been using meditation videos on youtube for a few years now along with meditation music and celtic music and it helps my general anxiety a lot at home but it doesn't help outside my house. Nothing really does when I leave home if theres no one on the streets and no one around and its not far like maybe a 5 - 10 minute walk from my home im perfectly fine and enjoy outside but when I go shopping (usually a 15 - 30 minute walk from my house) its majorly anxiety inducing and absolute hell. Once I hit the half hour mark outside I just get hit with anxiety so bad or when I end up around crowded areas or main shopping places like the grocery stores or mall so I can only make short trips and only to close by low pop places like our corner store . The less people I run into the better things are and the less time im out.
My limit where I have to go home I can't push past anxiety anymore or hide it at all is 2 hours (in low pop areas I can't even make it to half an hour in high pop areas). But often I end up out still even after it and its really difficult for me. I have full blown panic attacks in public at that point visible ones. I prefer staying in my home or on my property hidden by our fences and gate. Im happier being a homebody the only thing it really effects is leisure walks. medical visits / checkups, and grocery shopping any other shopping can be done online easily.

Yeah I mean I knew before being diagnosed that I had anxiety but you sometimes doubt yourself? Its a huge help to have a professional confirm it because you think you're crazy or that you must be faking it. You just get filled with doubts even if those doubts are illogical and dont match with the facts or symptoms you still doubt. Having a professional pretty much say "You're right and you aren't crazy or faking it you do have it" is relieving because.. I feel less ashamed to have anxiety with it officially confirmed? its hard to explain.

Kaerri Funny enough I have found one thing that helps me manage my anxiety. Coffee..weird I know because most people get WORSE with it. Where as for me it just kind of soothes down all my nerves and mellows me out. The only time it really doesn't work is when the triggers are constant like out in public. It helps still just not as well or as long but at home its a great way I've found to manage my general anxiety. (I drink 2 - 3 cups daily no more than that and the amount of actual coffee I put in is only equivalent to half or 1/4th a cup per cup. 6 full strength cups is the dangerous amount. So I am careful about my consumption don't worry) Im not sure why it works but im thankful it does.

Another thing I've been doing to manage anxiety is multitasking which also helps me keep focus and stops my ADD from being so bad so 2 birds with 1 stone.
Usually with creative projects, gaming, talking to friends, helping people, working on stories (Im still trying to become an author. No luck yet still haven't made the perfect book I wanna sell. That I think is worthy of being sold. Im a perfectionist so this may take quite awhile to achieve. Heres hoping it all pays off.)

I know what you mean about having official confirmation. When I started having major panic attacks we were calling 911, and the responders were so kind, always "Call us anytime, really," but also kindly making it clear I should see my regular doctor for it too. And once I ended up in the ER because I thought I was having a heart attack (I wasn't, just the anxiety again) and one of the medical personnel said "Yep, that's how it does sometimes, my mom's a nurse herself and thought the same thing when she was having a panic attack." And it just made me feel so much better and less silly to know that properly-trained medical professionals had gone through exactly what I was going through.

I'm glad you're finding ways to manage it on your own! Even if it's just a little help, it's better than nothing, and hopefully it will help more longer-term as you get used to it.

Kaerri Good lord im sorry you went through it to bad. I thought honestly I was the only one who got so badly into it I thought I was having a heart attack. Im not sure if to be glad to know im not alone in that or feel sad other people get it so bad.
Unfortunately for me my body rejects medications. My family doctor tried to put me on anxiety meds and I cant take them at all. Meds for mental health usually aren't a cure anyways just an extreme suppressant (I've had so many friends on meds for depression and anxiety and they've spoke about it before all of them have had the reaction where they cant feel anything at all emotionally and I've spoke to them when they've been on it and its scary. So even if I could take meds I don't think I would. Unless its a cure and not a suppressant) I wish there was an actual cure for it all because it sucks that so many people nowadays suffer anxiety and / or depression. Its a horrible curse to live with. I hope one day it gets better for you aswell.

I am doing much better now, thank you! I was on meds but only until my therapist got things somewhat under control. I'd say be glad you're not alone, because that's how I feel about it. This way we can help each other. While it's never going to be completely gone, my time in therapy helped my mind get better at recognizing what was an actual problem and what was just anxiety flaring up, and how to accept both because they're part of me while still learning ways to combat the anxiety so it doesn't interfere with normal life (much). It's really fascinating how she was able to help me pinpoint specific problems and help my brain accept that they weren't as bad as I thought, which in turn lessens the anxiety and makes it easier to deal with.