Mist Demon
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  • Hey my brother. No idea if you'll ever see this, but I just wanted you to know that I was thinking about ya. Been too long since we've chat, and incredibly longer since we've ever written anything together. I hope all is well and I wish the very best for ya man. We've had our many ups and downs over the years but I wanted you to know that I'm always here for ya. - Evilboo10
    Dyed my hair blue again!


    Then, because this is my life and honestly reader were you expecting something to go right for me(?), most of the dye washed out of my hair right after I had let it dry for an hour or so. There are still blue streaks so it's not horrible, yet it's still not the entirety of my hair dark blue like in the past. Who knows, maybe somebody will like it, right? I can dream, right?


    No? Okay, then...
    Mist Demon
    Mist Demon
    In the past I've used a professional hair stylist to dye my hair for me using the color Blue Envious, brand I do not recall. Generally speaking that lasted months for me but that was with bleaching my hair prior and using hair products to extend how long the color stayed in.

    This time I had friends, those that often dye their own hair, that offered to dye my hair for free. So I took them up on the offer but most of it ended up washing out sadly. They used Manic Panic but they also didn't bleach my naturally dark hair prior.
    Manic panic!  That's what it was.  Ugh, that stuff was aweful. lol  I'm probably going to a stylist in the near future to do my hair silver for a LARP I'm considering joining here in the South US.   I'm just scared of the bill for it... -_-
    Mist Demon
    Mist Demon
    Well hey, good luck LARP'ing and with your hair dye!

    My hair stylist only ever charged me twenty dollars every time I dyed my hair and I also live in the South of the US. She also did a really amazing job each time and the color stayed far longer than I thought it would. So with any luck you can find someone reasonably priced and skilled.
    Sometimes you take a chance and put your heart out on the line for someone you find attractive.


    Then, if you're me, you without fail face rejection and have your heart stomped on yet again. At this point I might as well re-purpose my heart as a floor mat.
    I forgot just how bad playing Hearthstone Arena makes me feel about myself. I'm glad to know my only purpose in life is to ensure others get higher ranking keys than me. If I was a card my text would read "Free pass to next match" for the opponent.

    Excuse me, I'm tilted as fuck right now.
    "I got no time,

    I got no time to live,

    I got no time to live, and I can't say goodbye,

    And I'm regretting having memories

    Of my friends who they used to be

    Beside me before they left me to die.

    And I know this is,

    I know this is the truth,

    'Cause I've been staring at my death so many times...

    ...I have this urge,

    I have this urge to kill,

    I have this urge to kill and show that I'm alive,

    I'm getting sick from these apologies,

    From people with priorities,

    That their lives matter so much more than mine.

    But I'm stuttering,

    I'm stuttering again,

    No one will listen and no one will understand,

    Because I'm crying as much as I speak,

    'Cause no one likes me when I shriek,

    I want to go back to when it all began.

    So my flashlight's on, and stay up 'till dawn,

    I got this headache and my life's on the line,

    I felt like I won, but I wasn't done,

    The nightmare repeats itself every time."

    Life is easier, I find it, when you hide your emotions behind a veil, a mask even. When you don't let the ones close to you in your life see your true emotions. If only because it makes you vulnerable to getting hurt.

    Every emotional heartbreak in my life has stemmed from me removing the mask, if only momentarily, to try and express my feelings for another human being.

    I slipped off the mask again tonight. I didn't mean to but it happened. As if I was an antagonist boss in any game with a glaring weak spot, the knife was jabbed directly into my unguarded heart the first chance it had.

    I'm such an idiot for thinking I get a happy ending. That things will work out for me in any relationship.
    Actually, it tends to make things harder. Just because you hide your feelings doesn't mean you aren't getting hurt. If you show your pain, there are those around you that will help you when the time comes.

    It's so easy to see the pain in life but think about us for instance. Some will hurt you when they see your weakness, but others will strive to help you. Every time you've slipped off your mask with us, have we ever failed to come right to your side to help you out?

    Life will beat you down and beat you down, but it's important to get right back up and spit in life's face. Show the world why it's wrong about you. Keep trying until you DO get that happy ending. Then you'll have beaten fate and proven yourself above the rest. Those who give up... those who are too afraid to show themselves... life has beaten them down. You're better than that, Z. We're here to help pick you up from every fall, and push you forward to the heights you strive for. Well... however much of that we can do from across a computer screen.

    It's important to remember, too, that everyone wears a mask of some kind. Some of them are plastic, others wood, but everyone wears one to some extent. You're not alone in this, you never truly are.
    Mist Demon
    Mist Demon
    I appreciate that you took the time to show you care. More than you know. I'm just in a really dark place right now. For once, I'm the one trapped in a never ending time loop that only produces more and more failure and heartbreak. It's as if I'm watching a train crash in slow motion over and over yet I can't change the outcome. I can only enjoy the ride until the train derails, again. Forever.

    Before I had made the original status update, I had to try and help a close friend of mine. Yet, my ex was also involved and trying to help the situation. So we confronted for the first true time since the breakup. I tried to control my emotions as best I could to help my friend but my mask, to say, slipped. It wasn't long before my emotions flew wild and I told my ex everything I thought about him. Every way he had hurt me. All of the pain I had bottled up from him crushing my heart. Only, it didn't make things feel better. It only hurt worse.

    Then, as the night went on and the conversation continued, something I never expected happened. For once in his life, my ex didn't make any lies or try and tell any stories to justify everything he did. If anything he did worse than what I expected. He owned up and admitted he couldn't justify abandoning me or any of his actions I hated him for. It went on from there and I saw the man I fell in love with. A Pyrrhic victory that had never tasted more bitter. I watched as he calmed me down and let me hear everything I wanted to. How he expressed an interest in me again.

    It's a cycle. A loop even. One that I'm observant enough to realize I'm trapped in but too desperate/charmed/addicted to break out of. I can feel myself falling for him all over again and I simultaneously hate myself for it. I can't look for support in anyone in my life. They watched how I suffered when things ended with my ex. They'll only think I'm hopeless for going back to him. That I'm just as bad as an addict or alcoholic that realizes his/her problem but doesn't take the action to stop.

    I spent the majority of my day today with him. He wanted to see me in person. It was pleasant having the time together. I swear when he wants to be he can be everything I could ever need in a boyfriend. Maybe that's the reason my heart seems to insist that things can work out differently this time. While logically my brain is saying that there is no happy ending in sight for me. That this attempt at finding love will only fail again as will any other attempt I make regardless of if my ex is involved.

    You might note that I'm really in a conflicted state right now. My heart wants to believe in redemption and love. My brain can only logically plan and expect more despair in my future. Forgive me if I'm a little fucked up right now.
    Mist Demon
    Mist Demon
    Welcome back! I'm trying to think. Are you Black Panther from Civil War at the moment?
    Thanks man, good to be back.

    Yep! Dude was a boss.
    Disregarding the fact that the one that broke my heart is trying once again to slowly weasel his way back into my life, everybody else at least try and have happy holidays.
    That moment when you're wrapping all of your Christmas presents in the same wrapping paper you used the year prior for your now ex-boyfriend.


    Memories why must you be painful?
    "Rip me to shreds,

    tear my heart out

    I am toxic,

    I'm a fallout

    Say your farewell and cut me out

    Without a doubt,

    I'm the monster now

    I'm falling to the ground

    Rip me to shreds,

    tear my heart out

    I'll fade away into the crowd

    Erase me

    I'll just be a memory

    And we'll be

    broken hearted just like it should be"

    "Breath in

    Breath now

    You have to calm down

    Let me show you somewhere we could hide

    We can stay in here until sunrise

    Moving forward

    Step by step once more

    Follow my instructions you'll be fine

    This will only hurt for a short time

    With promises of freedom

    I would never lie to you

    only speaking the way you do too

    How great that it must be

    To walk outside and see

    Others just like you... and not like me

    I am not like you

    I can't do all that you do

    No matter how desperately I want to

    When you look into my eyes you see

    A mirage of something trustworthy

    I'm not your enemy

    No more anxiety

    Though you're right to be wary

    'Cause I know how to pretend

    Breath in

    Breath out

    I'm lost in here now

    And of course I know that

    There's no way that I can turn back

    I'm left in the dark

    To play my part

    Follow every lie you feed me

    As they lead to more and more agony

    Are we on the same team after all this time?

    Are we really feeling a pain of the same kind?

    Watching from the outside you

    Can't see all the things I do

    You're a circus monster

    And now's your cue

    You were right

    When you said that we're not the same

    Because unlike you

    I can feel pain

    When I look into your eyes

    A facade you are not trustworthy

    You are my enemy

    Faking your empathy

    I was right to be wary

    When you know how to pretend

    When you look into my eyes you see

    A mirage of something trustworthy

    I'm not your enemy

    No more anxiety

    Though you're right to be wary

    'Cause I know

    You're not good at pretending

    Come dance and we'll be prismatic

    I'm not falling for all your tricks

    Let's put on a show

    Before the curtain falls

    Before the curtain falls

    I won't take a bow

    It's time

    Our finale's now

    This mangled freak-show

    is where we end it all

    is where we start it all"

    ~How to Pretend
    "You've charred my heart into ash/I've become numb to the pain/It's time to get what you deserve/I'm holding out forKarma/to watch you burn"
    "Let me know/When I'll go/Will I be loved?/Will someone care/I'm not there/am I enough?/I'll be forgotten in time/So this is my goodbye."
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