Advice/Help What can I do to make my world better?

[SleepyConley]

I've been working on a homebrew for a little, off and on, starting over A LOT until I really found a base I like. But I can't get rid of the itch, something is bothering me and I don't know what it is. I really don't want to start over on a world again so tell me... read my lore, understand my world and tell me... what can I do to make it more interesting, more exciting!? I don't know maybe world building isn't for me. I just want to create a masterpiece but feel like I can't do it.

Fantasy - ᴛʜᴇ ɢᴀᴛᴇ ᴏꜰ ꜱᴏʀᴅᴇᴍ - 𝐿𝒪𝑅𝐸

The Gate of Sordem Music The Library of Eznia Volume One ━━━━━❖━━━━━ The World The world of Eznia is vast and home to many riches and mysteries. They're a total of 7 continents: North Hadia, South Hadia, Asherdan, Tyzen, Tetan, Okan, and Frostfar. The library you're currently reading this at...

www.rpnation.com

My lore.

Give me tips and help me create a better world. Thank you. This is my first time genuinely trying to piece together a world, but it is a lot of hard work. Plus it is hard to compact it all and then make it look nice with coding so it is easier to read and decipher all the parts but man is it fun to do!

 

[Spoiled Bread]

I think its a neatly put world already, though what I think is lacking is a gimmick. Something that makes the world feels different than the other fantasy world out there and helps people describe it easily, or maybe a theme.

 

[GojiBean]

Hoyo!

Overall I think you have some really wonderful and solid ideas for this world and lore. But there are definitely some little areas for improvement/touch ups which I think would help bring the whole thing into a bit more focus and satisfy that itch you're feeling.


1) Allow for weakness in your characters and locations.

The language and phrasing you use to describe your characters, locations, etc, is at the center of some of the most glaring issues I've seen in your presented work.

Take both the Emperor and the city state of Cordis, for example.

The Emperor has "mastered" swordplay and is a multi-faceted prodigy, and Cordis is "the hardest in the world to raid."

Phrases like these absolutely destroy the credibility of the character/location you're trying to set up because they effectively demonstrate that you're seeking to eliminate major weakness which should otherwise be naturally inherent in their design.

In the case of the Emperor, a fourteen year old's mind and body are still developing. As a 20+ year martial arts veteran with weapons training under my belt (including the sword), I'll confirm for you that even someone deemed a prodigy isn't going to "master" any weapon at such a young age. Their bodies just aren't developed enough to accomplish that feat. They don't have the muscular foundation/stability, core strength, mental/emotional stability, cardio endurance, or dexterity and flexibility to achieve mastery of a weapon.

Could he have attained "incredible proficiency for his age?" Absolutely. But "mastery" is beyond the realm of believability for one so young, prodigy or no.

Cordis, similarly, has a major weakness that's easy to exploit: It's underground. Set off explosives on the surface above it and you'll send dozens of tons of rock and rubble down onto the city killing hundreds, if not thousands of people and causing untold financial damages to infrastructure which could take decades to rebuild. Not to mention you could also pour down oil to douse large chunks of it in flammable materials and then toss torches down to light the place up. Or you could take time to redirect any surface rivers/lakes to flow into the gaps that allow sunlight through and try to drown the place.

Point being, don't use language that avoids allowing for weaknesses to exist in your characters and locations. They're supposed to have weaknesses because weaknesses are what make for good character design and worldbuilding.

"Cordis is the most peaceful city and has the lowest recorded crime-rate. Only the best of the best soldiers are stationed here, receiving the most pay." Consider changing all of this to something like, "one of the most peaceful," "one of the lowest crime rates," and "soldiers strive to be the best of the best and receive highly competitive pay."

When a character has no weaknesses they have no story to tell, because their story is in their growth as people.

When a location has no weaknesses it becomes an unbelievable utopia and nobody will take it seriously.

I advise a light reworking of the language/phrasing used to describe your characters and locations. If ever there's mention of "mastery," it better exist only in older characters (talking 40+). If there's any locations which are currently mentioned as being "the most" or "the best" at something, pull it back and say "among the best" or "one of the most" instead.

Weakness is essential to good worldbuilding and storytelling. Don't run from it or try to stamp it out. Embrace it.


2) Strive to be accurate/believable with your character/race designs, and ask "Why?"

Now, to be fair this is fantasy. So technically anything goes.

Still, it would be to your benefit to think realistically about when and how your races and characters mature, what "maturity" means, life expectancies, when you consider their height-weight ratios, etc.

For example, "Humans reach maturity at the age of 16 and on average live to be 80." They reach "maturity" in what respect? Physical maturity? Sexual maturity? Mental/emotional maturity? All of the above? Two of the above?

If you're talking about becoming physically mature, human beings don't mature until their early 20's. They're barely halfway through puberty by age 16.

Back in our caveman days when our life expectancy was 30 or below, then yes. We matured much faster because we lived much shorter lives. We HAD to mature faster biologically if we wanted to continue the species. But with a life expectancy of 80+, indicating more modern health/longevity, physical/sexual maturity would be in the early 20's. There's no biological reason to mature earlier than that. And evolution always favors the needs of the species.

Similarly with the Elves, you state they mature by age 100 and live to be around 750. Why mature so late? I mean yeah, they have longer life spans. But 100 is the age of "maturity?" Do they grow and mature at a slower rate than humans? For example, do they still look like they're 12-15 years of age even though they're in their 60's and 70's? If so, it would be wise to bring this comparison to the forefront of your Elven lore so that it's understood why, biologically, the Elves mature so slowly. Is there also an elemental factor such as where/how they live in nature compared to other races which contributes to their longevity and their incredibly slowed maturation process? Try to consider elements and facets of existence, and then answer the question "Why?"

One last example here is the giants. They're between 8'-12' in height and only weigh around 280-380 pounds. That's really light for that height range. Especially if you want the provided image to be accurate to the "average" Giant in terms of build. For human comparison, take Brian Shaw. He's a 4x World's Strongest Man competition winner and is 6' 8". At his peak during competition years before his recent retirement he weighed an average of around 440-460 pounds. Yes, he was very bulky for the competition. He had to be. However, if you were to stretch him up to 8 feet while not changing his weight he'd look far more lean. At 12', and 440-460 pounds, he'd look quite lanky. If the "average" giant is supposed to be gangly, then a weight range of between 280-380 is fine for the 8' range. But if you want Giants to be a bit bulkier as a species and look more fit/muscular like in the image provided, I'd bump up their average weights to anywhere between 380-600 pounds. The taller they are, the more their weight must increase to accommodate their musculature and skeletal structure.

When in doubt about your character/race designs, ask "Why did I add this element?" and consider the reasons for why evolution would favor the outcome you've provided.

Again, evolution favors the needs of a species before anything else.

If a species doesn't need something, it won't evolve anymore.


3) The intricacies of a magical system.

Again, this is fantasy so anything goes. Not everything needs to be fully logical or dummy proof. But if you can make your magic system dummy proof (aka easy enough for a dummy like me to understand, lol) then you'll be in good shape moving forward.

For example, you state that mana is stored in one's bones. If so, how do tattooed runes help them concentrate the mana in their bodies? Tattoos are surface/skin level. The tattoos themselves have no direct contact with the bones, so how do the two connect? Are the tattoos made of some kind of special ink/material which attracts the mana like a magnet to help bring it out? If not, how is the connection established? And why does it work that way?

Additionally, do the runes change depending on how much mana is stored within someone? And is there a way to tell before the runes are applied? What if the mana level in someone's body is misread and they get runes meant for someone with weaker magic? Are they screwed and doomed to only use as much as the runes allow for? Or are there even more serious consequences which could arise from the mis-application of runes?

I know it's a lot of work to have to consider all these kinds of questions. Especially if you keep asking yourself "Why did I add this?" and thinking of the answers to justify them.

However, the more you trouble yourself with asking "Why?" and seek answers for that question, the more fleshed out and fulfilling your worldbuilding will feel.

And in the end, even though this will be a lot of work and a lot of it will never see the page, so to speak, being able to have it all as reference so you can naturally and dynamically introduce it to your story in the form of actions taken and dialogue exchanged, rather than ham fisting it all into narrative exposition text, is a godsend for all story tellers.


4) Consider the believability of your story, and never forget the scale of the goal which lies at the end.

Again, I'll stress asking yourself "Why?" when it comes to the information you've added so far.

For example, you state that Sordem was killed by Synaya. Why? Why Synaya, specifically? Was it because he's the God of Strength and Magic? And those two elements allowed him to prevail? Sordem's miasma of darkness didn't affect Synaya? Was that because he's a God, and the miasma only affects mortals?

You state "All around the world the remaining people have gone mad, except for the ones living or refugeeing inside the empire." Why? People can be driven to madness at any time and for any reason. However, maybe it's just me, but I like giving people of all races the benefit of the doubt and would like to think they're mentally/emotionally stronger than that.

Perhaps it's more that a "majority" of the worldly population which survives outside of the Empire who's fallen to madness? But maybe there are still pockets of sane resistance in hiding and eeking out what meager existence they can from their ravaged lands?

With the Empire being so heavily emphasized as the only standing bastion of life and hope, it reinforces the issue I brought up earlier about how your language/phrasing about "the best" and "mastery" negatively affected your characters and locations.

The same is true of your story.

The Empire is being hoisted up onto a nearly utopian/godlike pedestal which is actually a disservice to your story more than a help. The world has already fallen. And though the Empire resisted and outlasted Sordem until he was killed by Synaya, the world is already lost. And at this point, for all its utopian qualities, can the Empire really hope to reconquer the entire world when it's overrun and infested by Demons who were strong enough to conquer it in the first place?

That's the other major flaw of the story: There's not enough focus on balancing the powers at play.

The Empire has about 16 million people. But how many of them are soldiers/mages? And of those, how many of them are actually strong enough to compete with the Demons who conquered the world? They're not exactly pushovers if they were able to accomplish that feat, after all. Not to mention they can use all the humanoids they've conquered against the Empire as well so as not to lose their own in battle. So, how many from the Empire can realistically stand against the Demons? A few hundred? A few thousand? A million?

When considering the scale of your world how can a force so small, even if it's in the 1 million range, hope to reconquer the entire world on its own? It's not as if they're so strong they'll never lose anyone in the battles that lie ahead, after all. Not to mention that food, water, shelter, fatigue, age, the elements, hostile wildlife, infighting, and other variables are going to whittle down your forces until there's far too few to even attempt a minor raid, let alone a world re-conquering effort.

Realistically, one Empire of only 16 million people, only a fraction of which would actually be capable of taking up this fight in the first place, has no hope of reconquering the entire planet. It's just not feasible. Even with "the best and strongest" (and again, I'll caution against using that kind of phrasing) , there just aren't enough people, nor are there enough resources or variables working in their favor to accomplish the task which lies ahead.

This is why I suggested allowing for pockets of resistance to still exist and eek out an existence in hiding. Saying that there are ten thousand here, thirty thousand there, etc, might seem like "too many." But in the grand scheme of things it's perfect for small armies of people who could work alongside the empire to reconquer their own homeland with the Empire's assistance.

This dynamic would ensure the Empire's forces would be able to preserve as many of its own people and resources as possible instead of holding the burden solely on its own shoulders, as that burden and all the variables working against them would wipe them out before the Demons ever did.

If it's just the Empire, the fight is impossible.

And when a fight is impossible, you have no chance to tell a believable or interesting story.


Phew!

That about wraps up my analysis of your work!

Again, you have a lot of wonderful ideas. It just needs some re-tuning and fleshing out in some places to really start getting to the point where it can reach its full potential.

Cheers!

~ GojiBean