bonesbo
certified corrupt circus creature
Below is the "first chapter" of my story where two friends are stowaways into an enemy city. It's a fantasy world of advanced magics and relationships. The main characters live in the "magic" empire, and Hugo is a student while Maca was a student.
the limit for the contest im entering is 1,500-7,500 words and mine is currently 1,970. Is there anything more I could add? Is there anything I should change? Please give constructive criticism!
A young man sat at a long table within the Jaako City athenaeum, a large collection of books spread before him akin to a feast of knowledge. His oversized golden rimmed glasses sat up in a mess of his tightly curled and unkempt hair as he hunched over a book and moved his fingers along with his eyes along a text. There were several other students in the library, either spread out at the table similar to him, or shifting through stacks on the floor or shelves. Hugo Arnon had exams approaching; chiefly the presentation and demonstration of his recent Alchemic works, and portions of that presentation included correctly transmuting some ingredients through verbal spell-work; which was, to say the least, not his cuppa.
Hugo was bent forward to an extent where the phrase ‘nose in the books’ could correctly be applied. Hugo only relieved his back for a moment when he sat up to flip a large delicate page, not noticing his blue Lizard-Folk friend, adorned in a rustic leather vest and a large mischievous grin, across the table from him with her arms propped in an authoritative triangle.
When Hugo failed to notice her, Macashjek scrunched her nose, pounded the table with both fists, and yelled, “HUGO!”, earning her a chorus of shushes from the students and staff of the book reserve. Hugo jumped out of his seat and squeaked from surprise, scrambling to collect his book and hold it to his chest as he leaned back in the chair.
“Hey nerd,” Maca jumped effortlessly over the table to Hugo’s side, and collected his glasses from his head, putting them on her face, “Whatcha studyin’?” She leaned over his shoulder and examined his book through his lenses.
Hugo sighed and set the book back on the table, “Mac, don’t break my glasses again. I’m studying for my exams next fortnight.” He watched his friend sit back on the table and start to pick through her teeth with the talon of her pinkie.
“Sounds dull. Glad I don’t have examens no more.” Maca ran her tongue over the face of her teeth.
A small grin spread on Hugo’s face, “However, it sounds like you still require some speech lessons. Anyhow you’re a natural born at your element! I can’t help it if I…” Hugo gestured in disdain to the book, “am garbage.”
“Well that’s where I found you.”
Hugo rolled his eyes, “No, that’s where I found you.”
Maca hesitated and looked up in thought, “Oh right. Perhaps more of your ability lies within the regions of the Isa Impi-”
“Mm-HRM.” A stern voice interrupted.
Hugo hastened from his chair and stood up to perform a small bow; Maca stood off the table to do the same. To their right stood Elder Notuum Mavris, decorated in more of his official robes of soft blue and bright crimson lining, his neck and ears covered with jewelry, the type only a High Elf Elder wears.
“Be careful about how loosely you throw around those topics, Miss Hochshê.” Mavris gave Maca a side eye.
Maca nodded and returned Hugo’s glasses, turning to the side to hide a small blush.
Hugo was bounding on his toes with excitement, and still shorter than Maca as he did so. Mavris turned with a smile to Hugo as Hugo spoke, “Good morning Sir! I’ve been highly anticipating your arrival for our studies. I’ve been studying for hours and practicing for my demonstrations as thoroughly as you explained.”
Mavris chuckled softly and put his nimble hand on the student’s shoulders, “Calm down, young lad. You don’t have to use that formal honorifics each time I arrive for your tutoring. Be still, your bounding is making me tired.”
Hugo stood still, but grabbed his book from the table and held it out for Mavris, “Do you suppose we could start past noon? I’ve been longing to finish this fascinating chapter on Jacorli’s Runes.”
Maca rolled her eyes.
Mavris sighed and pulled his hand back; he folded it into the sleeves of his robe with the other, “I actually came early to tell you that an important diplomatic meeting slipped my mind. I am required to go with the other Elders to an Out-City, Wellstum, within the Dwarven Territory, to discuss our treaty with the Isa Impire High-Council Members.”
Hugo nodded in understanding and tucked his book under his arm, “Will you be back in the morrow?”
Mavris nodded in return, “Yes, we will be back in the dusk sun a couple days from now. We will still have plenty of time to study together. In the meantime, you could meet with your other Professors or fellow student tutors. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to prepare my belongings.” The three exchanged courteous bows before the Elder walked away.
Hugo released a sigh and sat back down and Maca resumed her position on the table.
“Do you have anyone else to study with?” Maca asked a few seconds of examining her friend’s disgruntlement. Pulling his glasses back into his hair, Hugo shrugged and flipped back open to the page he was on. He was once in the world of Runes.
Maca snorted and looked around the library while her talons clicked in rhythm on the large table, “I’m hungry. If you’re still here when I get back we’re going for a walk through the botanical. You’re paling up and need some Sunstone energy in ya.” Maca ruffled Hugo’s hair as she hopped off the table and strolled out as well.
Near an hour later, Hugo was up on a library ladder and pulling more armfuls of books off. Maca approached the bottom of the ladder and looked up the 15 or so feet to where Hugo stood on a rung. She hummed to herself in thought. Before clambering up the shelves, Maca proceeded to wander around the back of the case. She perched herself on top akin a cat about to pounce down.
Maca whispered down with a fiendish grin like always, “Hugo…” Even at the low volume, it caught Hugo off guard to have his friend on top of the shelf grinning down at him. He near lost his balance on the ladder, but Maca was able to reach down the couple feet and grab his shoulder before anything devastating happened.
Hugo sighed in exasperation and looked up at Maca, “What is it, Mac?” He pushed his glasses up his nose.
Mac glanced side to side before leaning down, “I found the jackpot! I found a professor’s cache of books for your Alchemic studyin and stuff! Some of them had a couple chapters on the transmutation stuff too!” She whispered excitedly.
Hugo bit his lip with hesitation, “And what do you suppose should happen to those books?” He whispered back as she climbed over the top.
Maca pushed a few books out with her feet by accident along the way to be on the same side as Hugo “Perhaps… You can look through a few quickly and take some notes. It’s not cheating, just resource using,” she shrugged. Mac certainly had a way of phrasing things that made them sound not-as-bad-as-it-is.
Hugo climbed down the ladder with one arm full of books. “Okay… maybe for a few minutes. I do need a walking break anyways. My back is cramping up.” He set his books on the table with the rest of his pile and followed his grinning friend out to the main square.
The main square was beautiful. It reflected the whole of Raebone with its multitude of food, textiles, knowledge, tools, and spell-components shops around the perimeter, as well as the large fountain in the center of the square. Created from a beautiful hand-crafted white granite, the fountain was nearly as big as a modern one-story housing unit, flowing with beautiful blue crystalline waters and showcasing the eight main races within the kingdom with life-sized creatures: High-Elf, Human, Half-Elf, Centaur, Dragon-Folk, Woodlen-Elf, Wolf-Folk, Thunder-Elf. The fountain had a deep, blue pool that citizens could toss coin into and a stone bench encasing the entire structure for a place where citizens could sit or protect youngers from wading into the blessed water; little lanterns lit up near dusk along the bench, giving the pools an ethereal shimmer.
Along the east perimeter of the square, a brilliant white stone path lead up to the grandiose Meeting-House, sitting atop a striking green and hilled lawn. Parked before that road: a large covered carriage, drawn by two manicured, black steeds; the back canvas flap was open, exposing the storage unit, which was blocked off with a hide sheet to the lush seating area.
Maca and Hugo entered the square on the Northern side. Maca pointed to the carriage when they approached it, “There,” she said, “All the books I saw in there was probably superfluous with your dumb al-chemmy.”
Hugo cocked his head, “I- don’t think you stated that sentence right. First, you used the incorrect ver-”
“Oh look the back is still open, good.” Mac clambered in before Hugo could finished his sentence or sigh his discontent with the situation. “Here, look,” Mac began to untie some twine that bound a stack of books together. She held up a leather book, “See? Fathom this info…”
Hugo shook his head, “That’s not- the correct u- stop handling those books like that!” Hugo rushed over as Mac was holding the ancient texts loosely with a couple claws, “You’ll rip them with your beastly claws!”
Mac stopped and looked at Hugo with a stunned expression, “What did you just say to me?” She asked, insulted.
Hugo’s cheeks turned a shade darker as he blushed, “I didn’t mean-” His throat closed up when he saw her lips curl up in a snarl, exposing her teeth.
“I’ve told you an infinitesimal amount of times-”
“That’s not the correct usage of that wor-” Hugo managed to squeak out his interruption before Maca grabbed the collar of his shirt and yanked him towards her storming countenance.
“I don’t. Like. Being. Called. A beast. You know.” She growled to his face.
Hugo opened his mouth to cheap out an apology before she suddenly pulled him all the way into the baggage unit and placed her hand over his mouth. “Somuh are comin’,” She whispered. Sure enough, a group of four unseen voices approached the carriage. Maca dashed to grab a trunk and gave it to Hugo to cover his body; she did the same. The voices approached the rear of the carriage and some hands plopped in a few more suitcases while continuing in conversation. So engaged in conversation, the hidden two went unnoticed. Hugo’s heart was lodged in his throat, pounding in his eardrums while the men exchanged meaningful words. One of them grabbed the canvas flap and closed up the back of the unit and tied it, encasing the two inside.
They stayed deathly still. The four voices travelled around the carriage to the side they climbed into the seating accommodations. As the carriage lurched into motion, the two student’s eyes gave worried glances in the stuffy dark, and they began to fumble around the unit to breathe and sit properly. The tie of the canvas was on the outside, and tied taut enough that Maca’s curved talon couldn’t reach.
“Where are we going?! What did you get me into?!” Hugo mouthed viciously to Maca.
Maca stared at the other and shrugged. Her fluorescent blue eyes outlined her unperturbed expression, “I dunno,” she mouthed back with a flick of her eyebrow.
“Didn’t Elder Mavris claim that he was journeying to Isa Impire for diplomatic purposes?” Hugo came across the unnerving realization mere seconds later.
That roguish grin of hers spread across her leathery lips, “Indeed he did. Time to enter the Iron City as stowaways.”
the limit for the contest im entering is 1,500-7,500 words and mine is currently 1,970. Is there anything more I could add? Is there anything I should change? Please give constructive criticism!
A young man sat at a long table within the Jaako City athenaeum, a large collection of books spread before him akin to a feast of knowledge. His oversized golden rimmed glasses sat up in a mess of his tightly curled and unkempt hair as he hunched over a book and moved his fingers along with his eyes along a text. There were several other students in the library, either spread out at the table similar to him, or shifting through stacks on the floor or shelves. Hugo Arnon had exams approaching; chiefly the presentation and demonstration of his recent Alchemic works, and portions of that presentation included correctly transmuting some ingredients through verbal spell-work; which was, to say the least, not his cuppa.
Hugo was bent forward to an extent where the phrase ‘nose in the books’ could correctly be applied. Hugo only relieved his back for a moment when he sat up to flip a large delicate page, not noticing his blue Lizard-Folk friend, adorned in a rustic leather vest and a large mischievous grin, across the table from him with her arms propped in an authoritative triangle.
When Hugo failed to notice her, Macashjek scrunched her nose, pounded the table with both fists, and yelled, “HUGO!”, earning her a chorus of shushes from the students and staff of the book reserve. Hugo jumped out of his seat and squeaked from surprise, scrambling to collect his book and hold it to his chest as he leaned back in the chair.
“Hey nerd,” Maca jumped effortlessly over the table to Hugo’s side, and collected his glasses from his head, putting them on her face, “Whatcha studyin’?” She leaned over his shoulder and examined his book through his lenses.
Hugo sighed and set the book back on the table, “Mac, don’t break my glasses again. I’m studying for my exams next fortnight.” He watched his friend sit back on the table and start to pick through her teeth with the talon of her pinkie.
“Sounds dull. Glad I don’t have examens no more.” Maca ran her tongue over the face of her teeth.
A small grin spread on Hugo’s face, “However, it sounds like you still require some speech lessons. Anyhow you’re a natural born at your element! I can’t help it if I…” Hugo gestured in disdain to the book, “am garbage.”
“Well that’s where I found you.”
Hugo rolled his eyes, “No, that’s where I found you.”
Maca hesitated and looked up in thought, “Oh right. Perhaps more of your ability lies within the regions of the Isa Impi-”
“Mm-HRM.” A stern voice interrupted.
Hugo hastened from his chair and stood up to perform a small bow; Maca stood off the table to do the same. To their right stood Elder Notuum Mavris, decorated in more of his official robes of soft blue and bright crimson lining, his neck and ears covered with jewelry, the type only a High Elf Elder wears.
“Be careful about how loosely you throw around those topics, Miss Hochshê.” Mavris gave Maca a side eye.
Maca nodded and returned Hugo’s glasses, turning to the side to hide a small blush.
Hugo was bounding on his toes with excitement, and still shorter than Maca as he did so. Mavris turned with a smile to Hugo as Hugo spoke, “Good morning Sir! I’ve been highly anticipating your arrival for our studies. I’ve been studying for hours and practicing for my demonstrations as thoroughly as you explained.”
Mavris chuckled softly and put his nimble hand on the student’s shoulders, “Calm down, young lad. You don’t have to use that formal honorifics each time I arrive for your tutoring. Be still, your bounding is making me tired.”
Hugo stood still, but grabbed his book from the table and held it out for Mavris, “Do you suppose we could start past noon? I’ve been longing to finish this fascinating chapter on Jacorli’s Runes.”
Maca rolled her eyes.
Mavris sighed and pulled his hand back; he folded it into the sleeves of his robe with the other, “I actually came early to tell you that an important diplomatic meeting slipped my mind. I am required to go with the other Elders to an Out-City, Wellstum, within the Dwarven Territory, to discuss our treaty with the Isa Impire High-Council Members.”
Hugo nodded in understanding and tucked his book under his arm, “Will you be back in the morrow?”
Mavris nodded in return, “Yes, we will be back in the dusk sun a couple days from now. We will still have plenty of time to study together. In the meantime, you could meet with your other Professors or fellow student tutors. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to prepare my belongings.” The three exchanged courteous bows before the Elder walked away.
Hugo released a sigh and sat back down and Maca resumed her position on the table.
“Do you have anyone else to study with?” Maca asked a few seconds of examining her friend’s disgruntlement. Pulling his glasses back into his hair, Hugo shrugged and flipped back open to the page he was on. He was once in the world of Runes.
Maca snorted and looked around the library while her talons clicked in rhythm on the large table, “I’m hungry. If you’re still here when I get back we’re going for a walk through the botanical. You’re paling up and need some Sunstone energy in ya.” Maca ruffled Hugo’s hair as she hopped off the table and strolled out as well.
Near an hour later, Hugo was up on a library ladder and pulling more armfuls of books off. Maca approached the bottom of the ladder and looked up the 15 or so feet to where Hugo stood on a rung. She hummed to herself in thought. Before clambering up the shelves, Maca proceeded to wander around the back of the case. She perched herself on top akin a cat about to pounce down.
Maca whispered down with a fiendish grin like always, “Hugo…” Even at the low volume, it caught Hugo off guard to have his friend on top of the shelf grinning down at him. He near lost his balance on the ladder, but Maca was able to reach down the couple feet and grab his shoulder before anything devastating happened.
Hugo sighed in exasperation and looked up at Maca, “What is it, Mac?” He pushed his glasses up his nose.
Mac glanced side to side before leaning down, “I found the jackpot! I found a professor’s cache of books for your Alchemic studyin and stuff! Some of them had a couple chapters on the transmutation stuff too!” She whispered excitedly.
Hugo bit his lip with hesitation, “And what do you suppose should happen to those books?” He whispered back as she climbed over the top.
Maca pushed a few books out with her feet by accident along the way to be on the same side as Hugo “Perhaps… You can look through a few quickly and take some notes. It’s not cheating, just resource using,” she shrugged. Mac certainly had a way of phrasing things that made them sound not-as-bad-as-it-is.
Hugo climbed down the ladder with one arm full of books. “Okay… maybe for a few minutes. I do need a walking break anyways. My back is cramping up.” He set his books on the table with the rest of his pile and followed his grinning friend out to the main square.
The main square was beautiful. It reflected the whole of Raebone with its multitude of food, textiles, knowledge, tools, and spell-components shops around the perimeter, as well as the large fountain in the center of the square. Created from a beautiful hand-crafted white granite, the fountain was nearly as big as a modern one-story housing unit, flowing with beautiful blue crystalline waters and showcasing the eight main races within the kingdom with life-sized creatures: High-Elf, Human, Half-Elf, Centaur, Dragon-Folk, Woodlen-Elf, Wolf-Folk, Thunder-Elf. The fountain had a deep, blue pool that citizens could toss coin into and a stone bench encasing the entire structure for a place where citizens could sit or protect youngers from wading into the blessed water; little lanterns lit up near dusk along the bench, giving the pools an ethereal shimmer.
Along the east perimeter of the square, a brilliant white stone path lead up to the grandiose Meeting-House, sitting atop a striking green and hilled lawn. Parked before that road: a large covered carriage, drawn by two manicured, black steeds; the back canvas flap was open, exposing the storage unit, which was blocked off with a hide sheet to the lush seating area.
Maca and Hugo entered the square on the Northern side. Maca pointed to the carriage when they approached it, “There,” she said, “All the books I saw in there was probably superfluous with your dumb al-chemmy.”
Hugo cocked his head, “I- don’t think you stated that sentence right. First, you used the incorrect ver-”
“Oh look the back is still open, good.” Mac clambered in before Hugo could finished his sentence or sigh his discontent with the situation. “Here, look,” Mac began to untie some twine that bound a stack of books together. She held up a leather book, “See? Fathom this info…”
Hugo shook his head, “That’s not- the correct u- stop handling those books like that!” Hugo rushed over as Mac was holding the ancient texts loosely with a couple claws, “You’ll rip them with your beastly claws!”
Mac stopped and looked at Hugo with a stunned expression, “What did you just say to me?” She asked, insulted.
Hugo’s cheeks turned a shade darker as he blushed, “I didn’t mean-” His throat closed up when he saw her lips curl up in a snarl, exposing her teeth.
“I’ve told you an infinitesimal amount of times-”
“That’s not the correct usage of that wor-” Hugo managed to squeak out his interruption before Maca grabbed the collar of his shirt and yanked him towards her storming countenance.
“I don’t. Like. Being. Called. A beast. You know.” She growled to his face.
Hugo opened his mouth to cheap out an apology before she suddenly pulled him all the way into the baggage unit and placed her hand over his mouth. “Somuh are comin’,” She whispered. Sure enough, a group of four unseen voices approached the carriage. Maca dashed to grab a trunk and gave it to Hugo to cover his body; she did the same. The voices approached the rear of the carriage and some hands plopped in a few more suitcases while continuing in conversation. So engaged in conversation, the hidden two went unnoticed. Hugo’s heart was lodged in his throat, pounding in his eardrums while the men exchanged meaningful words. One of them grabbed the canvas flap and closed up the back of the unit and tied it, encasing the two inside.
They stayed deathly still. The four voices travelled around the carriage to the side they climbed into the seating accommodations. As the carriage lurched into motion, the two student’s eyes gave worried glances in the stuffy dark, and they began to fumble around the unit to breathe and sit properly. The tie of the canvas was on the outside, and tied taut enough that Maca’s curved talon couldn’t reach.
“Where are we going?! What did you get me into?!” Hugo mouthed viciously to Maca.
Maca stared at the other and shrugged. Her fluorescent blue eyes outlined her unperturbed expression, “I dunno,” she mouthed back with a flick of her eyebrow.
“Didn’t Elder Mavris claim that he was journeying to Isa Impire for diplomatic purposes?” Hugo came across the unnerving realization mere seconds later.
That roguish grin of hers spread across her leathery lips, “Indeed he did. Time to enter the Iron City as stowaways.”
