sorrow made you
from the bottom of the dark, dark sea
勇気のパブリックジャーナル
YUUKI'S PUBLIC JOURNAL
Under Construction. Please do not post if you are not Yuuki of the Strata.
PUBLIC DOES NOT MEAN OPEN POSTING.
Sorry gaiz, but public means that it is open for others to read. You can like the posts as you please. Got some comments? You can convo me. =w= b I won't bite, I swear. TALK TO YUUKI HERE
Sorry gaiz, but public means that it is open for others to read. You can like the posts as you please. Got some comments? You can convo me. =w= b I won't bite, I swear. TALK TO YUUKI HERE
ABOUT YUUKI
At some point I'll edit this part and tell you guys about myself. I keep forgetting about it. >____<;;
PURPOSE OF THIS JOURNAL
Sometimes people need to vent or word vomit. Maybe not something in particular, but minor stresses and/or concerns. Some people also like to be acknowledged in one way or another, but may not necessarily want to read the comments. Is it just me? Maybe its just me. >___<;; Pretty much this is where I'll throw down ideas, daily events, good things frustrating things, silly things... Well... Pretty much this is just my doodle pad. I ran out of notebook paper. So I'll just use this instead. e^e;; Yes, my doodle pad has random little rants. Shh, shhh. Its okay. Shhh. They're illustrated.
At some point I'll edit this part and tell you guys about myself. I keep forgetting about it. >____<;;
PURPOSE OF THIS JOURNAL
Sometimes people need to vent or word vomit. Maybe not something in particular, but minor stresses and/or concerns. Some people also like to be acknowledged in one way or another, but may not necessarily want to read the comments. Is it just me? Maybe its just me. >___<;; Pretty much this is where I'll throw down ideas, daily events, good things frustrating things, silly things... Well... Pretty much this is just my doodle pad. I ran out of notebook paper. So I'll just use this instead. e^e;; Yes, my doodle pad has random little rants. Shh, shhh. Its okay. Shhh. They're illustrated.
DROP-DOWNS
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ROLEPLAYS
•
https://www.rpnation.com/threads/sᴏᴍᴇᴛʜɪɴɢstrange.126710/sᴏᴍᴇᴛʜɪɴɢSTRANGE.
https://www.rpnation.com/threads/sᴏᴍᴇᴛʜɪɴɢstrange.126710/
#SliceOfLife #Betwixed #Paranormal
Status: Active + Accepting
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TESTING & WIPS
https://www.rpnation.com/threads/yuus-coding-testing.124961/
Yuu's coding test
https://www.rpnation.com/threads/yuus-coding-testing.124961/
Yuuki's personal bbcode test thread + open commentary
https://www.rpnation.com/threads/something-something-dark-side.131916/
WIP: SOMETHING SOMETHING DARK SIDE
https://www.rpnation.com/threads/something-something-dark-side.131916/
WIP with Yuuki + Suzuki Mine
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RESOURCES & MISC
- Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Vivamus nec faucibus massa. Nunc posuere condimentum purus, a varius nibh egestas luctus. Vestibulum eget urna a justo sagittis eleifend nec eu risus. Maecenas ante nunc, accumsan eu laoreet vehicula, efficitur ut sem. Pellentesque vitae maximus orci. Morbi ac congue sem. Aenean vitae consectetur mi, imperdiet cursus nisl. Donec mollis aliquam augue, in scelerisque erat commodo non. Quisque suscipit leo in mi dictum malesuada. Pellentesque habitant morbi tristique senectus et netus et malesuada fames ac turpis egestas. Curabitur non justo vel quam ullamcorper varius.
Last edited by a moderator:
sorrow made you
from the bottom of the dark, dark sea
JULY 4TH, 12:28AM
I haven't enjoyed the 4th of July in years. Its another year that my bf and I have to skip out on Anime Expo--our only real time to enjoy each other's company and relax from the stresses of life. It's fine, really. Since we both know we're got a lot of things to take care of, but... I think I'm getting worn down. Mentally, physically. Definitely physically.
I'm such a baby. I'm weak. I'm oversensitive, and I know this. But I do know that I'm incredibly strong as well. Since moving back with my family for the summer, I've learned some mind blowing things. All the people I looked up to in my life... they're crumbling before my eyes. Its strange to think that now, they may be looking at me for strength. All those days filled with crippling panic attacks, begging for help. Now I understand why I could only stare at their backs when they told me to figure it out myself. They weren't giving me a cold shoulder. They were hiding their own weakness from me.
Sorry guys, if this doesn't really make any sense. I can take a few steps back.
For more than half of my life, I have been suffering with anxiety and panic attacks. For a good ten years, I was misdiagnosed as Bipolar, mood swings, manic depression and ADD. Since age 12, I had pills shoved down my throat to "make me better," and was pretty much told that there was nothing else I could do about it. Me being a person that's already very self-critical, I felt like I was absolutely worthless and that I was completely insane. Nobody could understand me. Nobody understood why I slept so much, why I couldn't take public transportation. Why I would freak out and have to leave places. Getting up every day was a struggle. Even today, its an incredible amount of will power--especially when I'm nervous or anticipating something. I've broken down countless times, even hid myself in closets and in the tight corner of my old apartment's balcony on cold nights because I was so out of my mind. I've never hurt myself. I've never attempted suicide, but I had thought about it. And that terrified me more than anything.
It's been a little more than a year since I emitted myself into a mental institution for a 72-hour holding. I had had enough of being terrified out of my mind and relying on the sample prescriptions my "therapist" would give me. He wasn't a doctor... Not by the way he would give out samples to his patients that couldn't afford the medications he was prescribing. He was a drug dealer with a prescription pad. I was so addicted to anti-psychotics that I didn't even need, that I would start to panic if I was even remotely close to being out of them. It was painful. I wasn't living. I was barely existing. So one day at school (a community college I transferred to), I went to the disability office and had them call an ambulance for me. My blood pressure was so high, that the paramedics couldn't even get a reading. They said I shouldn't have even been conscious. The 72-hour holding was the most humbling experience. And it made me realize that if I kept going the way I was... I would stay there forever. Needless to say, I got out easily. And I broke my prescription drug addiction. I swore to myself that I would never take long-term prescription medications again. That included sleeping pills for my insomnia. Which I still have frequently.
My bf had dropped school so he could work to support me going to school. We moved to where my university is and have been in a non-stop struggle. We've fought through so much and I had promised myself that I would never be that weak and terrified person I was back at the other place. And I'm not. I've become so much more. For a year now, I've lived at my most recent apartment and... I've watched my bf crumble before me. And my dad too. The two men in my life that gave me incredible strength. Then suddenly, I became their strength. I laughed, exasperated, and told my bf that everything that he's feeling, I've already been there. And that now he understands that "Helping yourself" is not as easy as it sounds. I am strong.
But I'm still incredibly weak. I've never been physically strong. I'm a baby to pain. And yes, I'll admit I've been pampered a bit with the school to work ratio. Now that I'm in the working force, I understand exactly how hard and how shitty jobs are. I understand the cost of living compared to minimum wage, and how its ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY impossible to live off of it.
I'm dreading today. I really am. A nine hour shift at the job I just started, and I'm already looking for another job. It was meant to be temporary; I'm going back to school in September. But... There are people there that I know from high school. And to get in the shitty almost-management jobs that they have now, its been SEVEN YEARS. I don't have seven years to get to a fucking cashier position. I don't even have two years. And these grocery carts? Pushing them in 110 degree F weather? Not the business. Especially if you're, say.. 5'2", 115lbs and three of those carts weight more than you. I was never a physical person. Pushing those carts... just doing this grunt-work of a job.. It looks like I got in a fight and lost. I'm terrible. I should be grateful that I even have a job right now. But, man. This is a really shitty one. And this nine hour shift really doesn't sound pleasing to me.
I need sleep. Or at least try to sleep. The insomnia is strong with this one. Wish me luck, guys. I'll try and return in one piece.
Yuuki signing out.
JULY 4TH, 11:11AM
I feel like I'm suffocating.
This is why I moved away from my family.
This is why I moved away from my family.
sorrow made you
from the bottom of the dark, dark sea
JULY 5TH, 6:56PM
Oh man, I have so many rp ideas. I'm rather disappointed DOMINATION kinda fell through. But that won't stop me. I've got new and inventive ideas. So long with the giant gaps and holes. I've got new ideas, and I hope a linear plotline will entice people more.
So many ideaaaaasssss.
We'll see if I can orchestrate it all.
#FeelingDetermined
So many ideaaaaasssss.
We'll see if I can orchestrate it all.
#FeelingDetermined
sorrow made you
from the bottom of the dark, dark sea
JULY 7TH, 10:49AM
>mfw I let my hair dry naturally and it look like Kotomine Kirei hair.
That bastard... I have a love-hate relationship with him. I love to hate him. >8U
I am very pleased with Fate/SN [ub] version of justice coming to Kirei. I won't expand any further because SPOILERS.
Anyways, omfg. I can't wait to get these four hours of grunt work over with. I'd rather be a grunt for Team Rocket or even TEAM MOTHERFUCKING FLARE than a grunt at a discount supermarket. I mean... Have you SEEN their uniforms? Sexy a.f. And They get paid in POKEMON. Well, maybe money too, but I'm not sure. I haven't checked out their benefit plan. But anyways, I totally agree that grocery workers should get more than $9/hr. We have soooo much work to do for soooo little pay. Manual labor, mang. Manual labor. I come home every day with at least three new bruises.
In other news, I can't wait for the four hours of work to be over with is because I'm spending my days off with my bf that I haven't seen in about a month. Now normally, I would be like "wtf, its not that long, who cares?" But its very different when you live with someone, seem them every single day, sleep in the same bed every single night, and then suddenly have limited contact with them. I can't even call him because my phone is trash. Yep, no smartphone for me for right now. I'm on a dinky temp number pad-to-text phone with limited minutes. OTL
We're gonna go look at puppies. That always makes me feel better.
And we might go to the bay area. Omg, I miss that area.
And I have to go apartment hunting.
And... I want my Azn food. And my bowls. I'm bringing some of my DAISO bowls back with me.
Its weird eating on plates again...
Needless to say, I'll be a tad busy, but still around. At some point... DON'T GIVE UP ON ME. ;;A;;
Need to get ready for work.
Yuuki out. =w=7
That bastard... I have a love-hate relationship with him. I love to hate him. >8U
I am very pleased with Fate/SN [ub] version of justice coming to Kirei. I won't expand any further because SPOILERS.
Anyways, omfg. I can't wait to get these four hours of grunt work over with. I'd rather be a grunt for Team Rocket or even TEAM MOTHERFUCKING FLARE than a grunt at a discount supermarket. I mean... Have you SEEN their uniforms? Sexy a.f. And They get paid in POKEMON. Well, maybe money too, but I'm not sure. I haven't checked out their benefit plan. But anyways, I totally agree that grocery workers should get more than $9/hr. We have soooo much work to do for soooo little pay. Manual labor, mang. Manual labor. I come home every day with at least three new bruises.
In other news, I can't wait for the four hours of work to be over with is because I'm spending my days off with my bf that I haven't seen in about a month. Now normally, I would be like "wtf, its not that long, who cares?" But its very different when you live with someone, seem them every single day, sleep in the same bed every single night, and then suddenly have limited contact with them. I can't even call him because my phone is trash. Yep, no smartphone for me for right now. I'm on a dinky temp number pad-to-text phone with limited minutes. OTL
We're gonna go look at puppies. That always makes me feel better.
And we might go to the bay area. Omg, I miss that area.
And I have to go apartment hunting.
And... I want my Azn food. And my bowls. I'm bringing some of my DAISO bowls back with me.
Its weird eating on plates again...
Needless to say, I'll be a tad busy, but still around. At some point... DON'T GIVE UP ON ME. ;;A;;
Need to get ready for work.
Yuuki out. =w=7
sorrow made you
from the bottom of the dark, dark sea
JULY 12TH, 12:55PM
I AM EXCITE.
sorrow made you
from the bottom of the dark, dark sea
JULY 13TH, 12:25PM
Oh man, this is so sexy. I need to thank @infamous H4V0C for making this for me.
I'd love to open up a commission shop for productions. I love this branding. =w= b
The kanji says souzouryoku, (power of) Imagination. I think its incredibly fitting.
I'd love to open up a commission shop for productions. I love this branding. =w= b
The kanji says souzouryoku, (power of) Imagination. I think its incredibly fitting.
sorrow made you
from the bottom of the dark, dark sea
JULY 14TH, 3:35PM
This is the weirdest feeling I've had in my roleplaying career...
I don't feel like going back to gaia. Now some of you may know that I came from a different site, and might have heard about it before. Gaia had been my first and only rping site for 10 years. I never took a hiatus, and barely took semi-hiatuses. But now... I have barely logged on for weeks since becoming active on RPN. I have a long love-hate relationship with gaia, and... I think after all the years I'm just tired of the muddled down feeling I get from it. Its all the same. The community I once knew is dying out.
At least RPN gives me a new breath. Its still fresh, being molded. And for the most part, opinions actually matter.
Its weird for me to think that I just want to quit gaia and never go back. I could literally log out and never log back in and I'd be okay.
I was a gaia addict, okay? So this is weird. xD
Tides are changing. So feel special, RPN. Feel special.
I don't feel like going back to gaia. Now some of you may know that I came from a different site, and might have heard about it before. Gaia had been my first and only rping site for 10 years. I never took a hiatus, and barely took semi-hiatuses. But now... I have barely logged on for weeks since becoming active on RPN. I have a long love-hate relationship with gaia, and... I think after all the years I'm just tired of the muddled down feeling I get from it. Its all the same. The community I once knew is dying out.
At least RPN gives me a new breath. Its still fresh, being molded. And for the most part, opinions actually matter.
Its weird for me to think that I just want to quit gaia and never go back. I could literally log out and never log back in and I'd be okay.
I was a gaia addict, okay? So this is weird. xD
Tides are changing. So feel special, RPN. Feel special.
sorrow made you
from the bottom of the dark, dark sea
JULY 15TH, 5:12PM
omg.... omfg....
Look.
Look at this.
This is my screen. And that is my Photoshop window.
Yes. My photoshop is back for now.
Time to make some sexy things. Unf. I am excite.
Sooooooo excite.
Look.
Look at this.
This is my screen. And that is my Photoshop window.
Yes. My photoshop is back for now.
Time to make some sexy things. Unf. I am excite.
Sooooooo excite.
JULY 16TH, 12:03AM
Hhhhh
I made this~
I made this~
sorrow made you
from the bottom of the dark, dark sea
JULY 19TH, 12:22PM
So I'm pretty pissed off that I have to work today. I'm half tempted to just call out. xD
Its incredibly hard to want to work for a place that just doesn't give a shit about you or the other workers, and keeps fucking up your knees. e^e;;
This isn't meant to be a long term job, gaiz. They're trying to drag me into that god forsaken shithole. Nope. Not gonna happen. I've got school coming up at the end of August. I'm preparing my epic 2 week notice speech.
In other news, my grandma came in and gave me this article of a recipe for a Miso Broth Ramen. I'm just gonna put it up here~
JAPANESE-STYLE MISO BROTH RAMEN
? 2 tsp grated fresh ginger
? 3 garlic cloves, minced
? 4 cups low-sodium vegetable broth
? 1 cup water
? 5 dried sliced shiitake mushrooms
? 3 Tbsp white miso
? 1 Tbsp soy sauce, plus more for garnish
? 2 large carrots, cut in matchsticks
? 8 large mushrooms, thinly sliced
? 1/2 cup frozen peas, thawed (Probably won't be using this XP)
? 4 medium-cooked eggs, halved
? 2 thinly sliced green onions for garnish (green and light green parts)
? Sriracha hot sauce (optional)
1. Heat oil in a large saucepan over medium heat. Add ginger and garlic; cook, stirring, for 1 minute. Slowly add broth and water; bring to a simmer. Add dried Shiitake mushrooms; simmer 5 minutes. Whisk together miso and soy sauce. Gradually whisk into broth; simmer 2 minutes.
2. Cook noodles according to package directions. Drain and keep warm.
3. Add carrots and fresh mushrooms to broth; simmer 8 minutes or until vegetables soften slightly. Stir in peas. Ladle into 4 bowls. Divide noodles evenly among bowls. Top each serving with 2 egg halves. Garnish with green onions, Sriracha and soy sauce, as desired. Serves 4.
Now this is a little too "Americanized" for Yuuki. YUUKI GON' AZN IT UP A LI'L BIT.
So instead of using spaghetti noodles, Yuuki will most likely use something like Soba, Udon or Japanese Ramen (not the instant noodle ones. >___<;; ) noodles. You can usually find one or all of them in your local grocery store, but if you can't, there's always a chance to adventure into an Asian market! I may even attempt Vermicelli noodles, since I have a lot left over.
I personally hate peas. Or at least, the frozen peas. I can deal with snow peas or snap peas, but our standard American peas? Nope. I would probably add a few snow or snap peas if I did decide to add them, but I would most likely keep them out.
I would probably add Firm Tofu instead of the peas. I have actually seen a similar recipe where they added Hoisen Glazed Tofu to the ramen. It sounds sooo yummy. >w<
I would probably also add bamboo shoots and maybe some baby corn, thinly sliced into mini medallions. Bok Choy would also be a good veggie addition for garnish. I was contemplating on cilantro, but I would have to test it out myself before saying the miso flavor with the cilantro tastes alright. xD
Personally, because I'm a meat eater as well, I would probably add in some very thinly sliced beef--like what you would use for bulgogi. Its a quality cut of beef that's cut paper thin. I've found the best meat at Korean markets.
Yuuki loves the taste of white miso, so I would probably add a little more depending on how strong the flavour is. And I would probably leave out the egg. Instead.
Honestly this sounds less of a Ramen to me and more of a Sukiyaki. xD ;;
Minus the hotpot part....
omfg, I want hotpot right about now.
Its incredibly hard to want to work for a place that just doesn't give a shit about you or the other workers, and keeps fucking up your knees. e^e;;
This isn't meant to be a long term job, gaiz. They're trying to drag me into that god forsaken shithole. Nope. Not gonna happen. I've got school coming up at the end of August. I'm preparing my epic 2 week notice speech.
In other news, my grandma came in and gave me this article of a recipe for a Miso Broth Ramen. I'm just gonna put it up here~
JAPANESE-STYLE MISO BROTH RAMEN
? 1 Tbsp canola oil
? 2 tsp grated fresh ginger
? 3 garlic cloves, minced
? 4 cups low-sodium vegetable broth
? 1 cup water
? 5 dried sliced shiitake mushrooms
? 3 Tbsp white miso
? 1 Tbsp soy sauce, plus more for garnish
? 1/2 lb thin whole wheat spaghetti, broken in half (I would probably use better noodles for this)
? 2 large carrots, cut in matchsticks
? 8 large mushrooms, thinly sliced
? 1/2 cup frozen peas, thawed (Probably won't be using this XP)
? 4 medium-cooked eggs, halved
? 2 thinly sliced green onions for garnish (green and light green parts)
? Sriracha hot sauce (optional)
1. Heat oil in a large saucepan over medium heat. Add ginger and garlic; cook, stirring, for 1 minute. Slowly add broth and water; bring to a simmer. Add dried Shiitake mushrooms; simmer 5 minutes. Whisk together miso and soy sauce. Gradually whisk into broth; simmer 2 minutes.
2. Cook noodles according to package directions. Drain and keep warm.
3. Add carrots and fresh mushrooms to broth; simmer 8 minutes or until vegetables soften slightly. Stir in peas. Ladle into 4 bowls. Divide noodles evenly among bowls. Top each serving with 2 egg halves. Garnish with green onions, Sriracha and soy sauce, as desired. Serves 4.
Now this is a little too "Americanized" for Yuuki. YUUKI GON' AZN IT UP A LI'L BIT.
So instead of using spaghetti noodles, Yuuki will most likely use something like Soba, Udon or Japanese Ramen (not the instant noodle ones. >___<;; ) noodles. You can usually find one or all of them in your local grocery store, but if you can't, there's always a chance to adventure into an Asian market!
I may even attempt Vermicelli noodles, since I have a lot left over.I personally hate peas. Or at least, the frozen peas. I can deal with snow peas or snap peas, but our standard American peas? Nope. I would probably add a few snow or snap peas if I did decide to add them, but I would most likely keep them out.
I would probably add Firm Tofu instead of the peas. I have actually seen a similar recipe where they added Hoisen Glazed Tofu to the ramen. It sounds sooo yummy. >w<
I would probably also add bamboo shoots and maybe some baby corn, thinly sliced into mini medallions. Bok Choy would also be a good veggie addition for garnish. I was contemplating on cilantro, but I would have to test it out myself before saying the miso flavor with the cilantro tastes alright. xD
Personally, because I'm a meat eater as well, I would probably add in some very thinly sliced beef--like what you would use for bulgogi. Its a quality cut of beef that's cut paper thin. I've found the best meat at Korean markets.
Yuuki loves the taste of white miso, so I would probably add a little more depending on how strong the flavour is. And I would probably leave out the egg. Instead.
Honestly this sounds less of a Ramen to me and more of a Sukiyaki. xD ;;
Minus the hotpot part....
omfg, I want hotpot right about now.
sorrow made you
from the bottom of the dark, dark sea
AUGUST 5TH, 1:01PM
A lot of big changes are coming up and I'm feeling all of the panic and pressure RIGHT. NOW.
For the last few days, I've been having silent anxiety attacks. It sucks, because half the time I don't know they're anxiety attacks until I'm physically sick and shaking like a 8.0 earthquake. Its hard to breathe. My chest hurts. It all makes me feel physically exhausted.
I start the new semester August 31st. I'm really really excited. I actually miss school. I miss the atmosphere, my ability to get away and focus there. My campus always has something going on. So school really isn't part of the my stress and worries. Minus the fact that if I can't make it this semester, all of my debts are due immediately. That's about 16k that I don't have.
I'm currently at my family's house with no car, no driver's license. Commuting to school every day (I live about an hour away from the city where my univeristy is located) is practically impossible. Especially since I'll be at school Mon-Thu 9am-7pm. There's just no way. I did live in the city before I moved here for the summer, but under certain circumstances, my boyfriend pretty much gave the place up. The idea wasn't too settling to me when he first brought it up about a month ago, but he convinced me it was a way to get out of a place we both wanted to get out of anyways. I agreed, and so I am no longer really living there. Which kind of puts more strain on me. Now I have to find my own place.
Money has never really been mine and my bf's friend. And luck apparently really really hates him. Whenever we come into some money, something happens and it sucks our funds dry. So, again, all the money I had attempted to save is gone. Its incredibly frustrating and I'm tired of it. I just want to slap my bf's hands every time he wants to do something that has to do with money. Let me take care of the financials. I know I can manage better than he can.
My stress is all in the fact that I literally have $2 to my name, a week and a half of work left, and about 3 weeks till classes start. I have no security in where I will be living. I haven't had the time or the means to get out to the city to even look for an apartment, let alone save enough to afford one. I always plan out and make backup plans, but somehow they always get fucked up. I know life is full of random variables but.. How the FUCK is it that ABSOLUTELY NOTHING goes right EVER? What kind of karma trap is this bullshit?!
I really appreciate people trying to give me advice, giving me encouraging words, but... when my anxiety is high, its really not helpful. Its even more so not helpful when I know what I have to do but I just don't have the physical ability to do it when I want to. It kills me. But I'm literally just playing a waiting game right now. Its not something I can do anything about. People tell me to relax, but... Its hard for me to explain that I just can't. It is physically impossible for me to relax.
I don't sleep.
Not because I choose not to.
Its because my mind will not. stop. running.
I lay down, try to clear my head or think as little as possible, and then everything just flows through my mind, flooding it to the point where I just want to cry. If I do end up falling asleep, I jump awake anywhere from 30 mins to an hour later. It feels like I've stopped breathing. And then if I do sleep for an hour or more, its because I'm so physically exhausted from activity and insomnia that I just pass out. I never get good sleep, and I always wake up just as tired.
No meditating has helped. No breathing exercise has helped. No physical exercise, or doing things that I love to do has helped either. I just feel like I'm going crazy.
I know I just have to ride through all of the stress and anxiety, and there's no comfort for it. I refuse to take medications. I'm even more hesitant to use pain killers after I accidentally overdosed and went to work. That was hell... for a good hour, I didn't even really know where I was. Sleep pills knock me out for days at a time, so those are out. I just... have to endure.
Living like this is just... very painful.
So to not say something I don't mean, or do something I don't mean to do, I usually withdraw away from people. I don't want to lash and hurt others on accident. So if I start to just kinda... fade off for a bit... don't worry too much. Ill get better. I always do. Just... buh. I hate my life sometimes. xD
For the last few days, I've been having silent anxiety attacks. It sucks, because half the time I don't know they're anxiety attacks until I'm physically sick and shaking like a 8.0 earthquake. Its hard to breathe. My chest hurts. It all makes me feel physically exhausted.
I start the new semester August 31st. I'm really really excited. I actually miss school. I miss the atmosphere, my ability to get away and focus there. My campus always has something going on. So school really isn't part of the my stress and worries. Minus the fact that if I can't make it this semester, all of my debts are due immediately. That's about 16k that I don't have.
I'm currently at my family's house with no car, no driver's license. Commuting to school every day (I live about an hour away from the city where my univeristy is located) is practically impossible. Especially since I'll be at school Mon-Thu 9am-7pm. There's just no way. I did live in the city before I moved here for the summer, but under certain circumstances, my boyfriend pretty much gave the place up. The idea wasn't too settling to me when he first brought it up about a month ago, but he convinced me it was a way to get out of a place we both wanted to get out of anyways. I agreed, and so I am no longer really living there. Which kind of puts more strain on me. Now I have to find my own place.
Money has never really been mine and my bf's friend. And luck apparently really really hates him. Whenever we come into some money, something happens and it sucks our funds dry. So, again, all the money I had attempted to save is gone. Its incredibly frustrating and I'm tired of it. I just want to slap my bf's hands every time he wants to do something that has to do with money. Let me take care of the financials. I know I can manage better than he can.
My stress is all in the fact that I literally have $2 to my name, a week and a half of work left, and about 3 weeks till classes start. I have no security in where I will be living. I haven't had the time or the means to get out to the city to even look for an apartment, let alone save enough to afford one. I always plan out and make backup plans, but somehow they always get fucked up. I know life is full of random variables but.. How the FUCK is it that ABSOLUTELY NOTHING goes right EVER? What kind of karma trap is this bullshit?!
I really appreciate people trying to give me advice, giving me encouraging words, but... when my anxiety is high, its really not helpful. Its even more so not helpful when I know what I have to do but I just don't have the physical ability to do it when I want to. It kills me. But I'm literally just playing a waiting game right now. Its not something I can do anything about. People tell me to relax, but... Its hard for me to explain that I just can't. It is physically impossible for me to relax.
I don't sleep.
Not because I choose not to.
Its because my mind will not. stop. running.
I lay down, try to clear my head or think as little as possible, and then everything just flows through my mind, flooding it to the point where I just want to cry. If I do end up falling asleep, I jump awake anywhere from 30 mins to an hour later. It feels like I've stopped breathing. And then if I do sleep for an hour or more, its because I'm so physically exhausted from activity and insomnia that I just pass out. I never get good sleep, and I always wake up just as tired.
No meditating has helped. No breathing exercise has helped. No physical exercise, or doing things that I love to do has helped either. I just feel like I'm going crazy.
I know I just have to ride through all of the stress and anxiety, and there's no comfort for it. I refuse to take medications. I'm even more hesitant to use pain killers after I accidentally overdosed and went to work. That was hell... for a good hour, I didn't even really know where I was. Sleep pills knock me out for days at a time, so those are out. I just... have to endure.
Living like this is just... very painful.
So to not say something I don't mean, or do something I don't mean to do, I usually withdraw away from people. I don't want to lash and hurt others on accident. So if I start to just kinda... fade off for a bit... don't worry too much. Ill get better. I always do. Just... buh. I hate my life sometimes. xD
sorrow made you
from the bottom of the dark, dark sea
AUGUST 18TH, 10:22AM
Oh man. I've got a couple things to address.
First,
I like how my hair is either like Kotomine Kirei or like Aikuro Mikisugi
Now I don't know if this is just swag badassery that my hair just automatically does the NUDISTO BEEACH style and the style of a demon spawn priest, but... Man. I feel pretty swag. //pulls shirt back to the wearing position >8U
Second thing,
I've been kind of scatterbrained lately. Roleplaying has been near impossible for me to maintain, and so I've been diving into a lot of brainstorming.
somethingSTRANGE. has been on my mind a lot, and I'm actively working on making it a very interactive story. Hard part is, I need the cast in order to make it completely interactive.
But all that is besides the point of my scatterbrained-ness. I've got some big changes.
1. I quit my job. It was necessary for school, and I' not really stressing about that. There's always some fast food joint that wants to hire a desperate student to man their counters.
2. School is starting really really soon. I'm excited to say that I'm going back to my university for my second year. I'm almost done. But I need to get my butt into gear. I've still got a lot of extra things to get done on my academic checklist.
3. I got my apartment. Some of you know that I have been apartment searching, and that I had actually found one. This morning, I got a wake-up call by the apartment people saying they have approved me and I am now a happy renter of my own studio apartment. I move in September 19th. OMFG. I DON'T THINK WORDS CAN EXPRESS HOW EXCITED I AM. I JUST. I CAN'T. WORDS ARE HARD. I CAN'T WAIT TO HAVE MY FREEDOM AGAIN.
First,
I like how my hair is either like Kotomine Kirei or like Aikuro Mikisugi
Now I don't know if this is just swag badassery that my hair just automatically does the NUDISTO BEEACH style and the style of a demon spawn priest, but... Man. I feel pretty swag. //pulls shirt back to the wearing position >8U
Second thing,
I've been kind of scatterbrained lately. Roleplaying has been near impossible for me to maintain, and so I've been diving into a lot of brainstorming.
somethingSTRANGE. has been on my mind a lot, and I'm actively working on making it a very interactive story. Hard part is, I need the cast in order to make it completely interactive.
But all that is besides the point of my scatterbrained-ness. I've got some big changes.
1. I quit my job. It was necessary for school, and I' not really stressing about that. There's always some fast food joint that wants to hire a desperate student to man their counters.
2. School is starting really really soon. I'm excited to say that I'm going back to my university for my second year. I'm almost done. But I need to get my butt into gear. I've still got a lot of extra things to get done on my academic checklist.
3. I got my apartment. Some of you know that I have been apartment searching, and that I had actually found one. This morning, I got a wake-up call by the apartment people saying they have approved me and I am now a happy renter of my own studio apartment. I move in September 19th. OMFG. I DON'T THINK WORDS CAN EXPRESS HOW EXCITED I AM. I JUST. I CAN'T. WORDS ARE HARD. I CAN'T WAIT TO HAVE MY FREEDOM AGAIN.
sorrow made you
from the bottom of the dark, dark sea
SEPT 12TH, 9:33PM
Ugh life has been hectic. I have been forced to adult.
At least things are going well, so that's a plus. Unfortunately some of my good decisions costs me more money than I would have liked. Not sure what curse my boyfriend has on him, but there's something that always comes up with him. Whether it has something to do with a job, a car, school, or even just losing his keys. Something always comes up. We neded up spending over a grand to fix up a car that he got recently. But I think it'll go a long way.
I'm starting to feel tired, worn down. I'm trying to brush off all negativity though. I think I'm doing good.
Well, that was until friends of my past sprung up. Didn't even talk to me, and conversations about them weren't directed at me. Actually... nothing involving them really has anything to do with me. But I think that's what pisses me off. Its like I don't exist anymore. Everything we had worked on in collaboration... is pretty much disposable to said friends. And that annoys me.
At least things are going well, so that's a plus. Unfortunately some of my good decisions costs me more money than I would have liked. Not sure what curse my boyfriend has on him, but there's something that always comes up with him. Whether it has something to do with a job, a car, school, or even just losing his keys. Something always comes up. We neded up spending over a grand to fix up a car that he got recently. But I think it'll go a long way.
I'm starting to feel tired, worn down. I'm trying to brush off all negativity though. I think I'm doing good.
Well, that was until friends of my past sprung up. Didn't even talk to me, and conversations about them weren't directed at me. Actually... nothing involving them really has anything to do with me. But I think that's what pisses me off. Its like I don't exist anymore. Everything we had worked on in collaboration... is pretty much disposable to said friends. And that annoys me.
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