Other Essay

[Scattered Ambitions]

Could someone read my essay and tell me if it makes sense?


[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]High Schools Must Start Later[/SIZE]


[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]My after school schedule is fairly average for a teenager. I get home. I take some me time, practice my instruments and then work on my homework. It usually takes around 2 ½ hours to finish it all. Usually at around 7, half way into the homework, I take a break for dinner. By the time I've finished, it’s around 9:00. Then I have to get ready for bed, which will take another 10 minutes. Then, even if I get in bed, I won't fall asleep for a while longer. In the morning, I have to get up at 6:00 to make it to school on time. All in all, I get about 7 hours of sleep a night. Now, teens need around 9 ½ hours of sleep nightly. So I'm tired. I drink coffee, but it starts to wear off by second period. I end of falling asleep, missing information, which results in longer homework times, meaning I get to sleep later. Etc, etc. [/SIZE][SIZE=14.666666666666666px]This is why an ideal high school would start later, if only by an hour, to kill the painful cycle off completely.[/SIZE]


[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]Currently the majority of schools across America start early in the morning, 8:30 am or even earlier. In an article published by The Atlantic, the CDC, (Center for Disease Control) states, “Researchers analyzed data from more than 9,000 students at eight high schools in Minnesota, Colorado, and Wyoming and found that shifting the school day later in the morning resulted in a boost in attendance, test scores, and grades in math, English, science, and social studies. Schools also saw a decrease in tardiness, substance abuse, and symptoms of depression. Some even had a dramatic drop in teen car crashes.” This clearly shows what positive effects getting enough sleep has on teenagers.[/SIZE]


[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]For a high school to become ideal, it has to start later. In Suli Break’s peice, “Why I Hate School but Love Education, he writes “I often found myself running to class, just so I could find a spot on which I could rest my head and just sleep without making a scene, ironic because that's the only time I ever spent in university chasing my dreams.” This shows that students don't get enough sleep, and it affects them during school. If we want to fix this problem and make an ideal high school, schools need to start later.[/SIZE]


[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]The individuals that have some concern with starting schools later are parents and administers. In the NPR article “Many parents aren't sold on later start times teens” one of these concerns are is expressed. “But 22 percent of the 636 parents surveyed said they thought the later start would not allow enough time for after school activities.” This shows that parents think that the health benefits don't override the need for extracurriculars. While having extracurriculars is obviously good, having healthy children is more so.[/SIZE]


[SIZE=14.666666666666666px]The benefits of accepting my idea are many. Students would be awake during school, so their classes wouldn't be wasted. Many more students would get to school on time. Test scores go up, as do grades in general. So, if you want to create the ideal high school, one that cares about its students and their health, High schools [/SIZE][SIZE=14.666666666666666px]must[/SIZE][SIZE=14.666666666666666px] start later.[/SIZE]

 

[jinkx]

I'd say the first quote needs to be shorter. Writing a long quote to flesh out a paragraph generally isn't a good idea and a quote really shouldn't be longer then about ten words maximum. You also need to analyse the quote more in depth.


The point about more sleep meaning less car crashes could be an entire paragraph on its on, provided you gave statistics about how many young people are involved in car crashes and how many lives could potentially be saved. 


Your third paragraph needs again a shorter quote and more of an analysis of said quote. You need to talk more about how the average student is affected by lack of sleep, as well as quoting an individual. This part might work a little better if you manage to link it with the second paragraph. 


I don't know how grades work where you live but you need to vary your writing a little. Using "this shows that" every time wouldn't slide in my English class. You need to work your quotes into it. Like this:


'On the other hand, 22 percent of the 636 parents surveyed said they thought "the later start would not allow enough time for after school activities", showing that parents do care for the health of their children but also greatly value the importance of extracurricular activities.'


Your conclusion needs to mention another point of view, not just your own, and why you disagree with that point of view. For example: while many may think that [opinion], I disagree because [point]. Shows you've considered other opinions. 


I guess it entirely depends on how things are marked wherever you live though. I'm merely an English GSCE student, so please feel free to seek another opinion. 


TLDR: shorten your quotes, vary your vocab, analyse in depth. Good luck! 

 

[Zombocalypse]

I think your essay needed more words coming from you and less quotations.


You are a good writer with a lot to say. I think you should use that to your advantage.