• When posting, please be aware that artistic nudity is still nudity and not allowed under RpNation rules. Please edit your pictures accordingly!

    Remember to credit artists when using work not your own.

Doors

Ozmic

Whiskered Writer
DOORS - ROOM 1

You've always hated doors.


There's been a feeling in the back of your mind about them. Something a little off each time you open one.



It's a silly thought, isn't it?



...Isn't it?



You were in the shower as usual, standing in the hot water, long finished with washing, just thinking about the day to come and what it would bring.



You exited like normal, drying and dressing quickly and smirking at the knock and calming voice from outside that told you "You'd better hurry, or you'll be late!"



The first bright smile of the day crosses your face. You ignore the silly thoughts sleeping had brought and wrap your fingers around the metal knob.



Turning it, you feel the rush of cold as it swings open.



Your smile fades. This isn't your bedroom. In fact, your bed is gone. In place of a bedroom is a long hallway that you don't recognize. The carpet is the yellowish white of coffee-stained teeth and the calendar hanging on the wall to your left lists names and dates that you don't recognize in bright, taunting red marker.



Your breath catches in your throat. A shadow twists onto the carpet and a sing-song voice calls out to you.



Panic. This wasn't the same voice that playfully chided you earlier for taking your time in the steamy embrace of your shower.



You run, darting past the form and not even stopping to look at their face. A scream sounds behind you. Glass clatters onto tile and shatters. The sound is almost as loud as the thumping of your heartbeat in your ears.



You burst through the front screen door in a run, tumbling down a set of stone steps and not letting that stop you. Onward and outward.



When you finally stop, blocks away, your breathing is ragged and comes roughly. You kneel and gasp for breath, eyes darting this way and that as you try to find one landmark you recognize and coming up empty.



Tears, hot and heavy, trace wet lines down your face and blur your vision. "Where am I?" you ask yourself, voice sounding husky from all the running.



Slowly, you push yourself foward toward taller buildings. You move into a town you don't know.



You quickly make your way to a line of stores, ignoring the angry sounding horns as you step right through a crosswalk without looking. Someone even shouts something, but you're too set on the buildings in front of you to notice.



A department store. A small feeling of relief washes over you. It may not be one you've seen before, but they're sure to have a phone, right? You can call for help.



When you reach the door handle and pull, however, you find it bolted shut. Looking at the sign, you read the hours. 10:00am - 8:00pm, Monday thru Friday.



Sighing in frustration, you turn away and move to the side of the building. You'll just have to wait.



You pace back and forth for a moment, but something catches your eye. Movement inside. You snap your face to the shiny glass windows and a figure stares back at you in shock.



"Hey can I come in an---" you start, then trail off as the figure mouths those very words.



There's no one inside. You're staring at a reflection. However, the person staring back... ISN'T YOU.



You try to scream, but all the moisture in your mouth is gone. Shaking, you raise your fists and bring them down on the window, again and again.



For the second time that day, the sound of glass silences everything else.



Then come the alarms. Another sound too. You're finally screaming.



The sounds get farther and farther away as you turn and slump onto the pavement.



Everything stretches, pulls back.



And then... there's nothing.
 
DOORS - ROOM 1 [P2]

You awake in an ambulance.


Someone is talking to you, but everything is fuzzy. "Something for the pain," someone says, and it's you manage to make out in all the fuzzy voices and noise of the road. You try to move, but you're strapped down. Were they afraid you'd hurt yourself?



Images come into view. There are people hovering over you, at least four of them. They're blurry and out of focus and you begin to dry heave. Spittle decorates your face and someone cleans it away. A woman, middle age. She leans in closer and becomes clear for a second, then blurs again. Another heave. "Quiet honey, we're almost there," she says.



More blackness.



Gasping back to reality, you sit up. A bleak hospital room comes into focus. The walls are the same off-white as the carpet from earlier and you feel sick. You clear your head and breathe deep, then look around. There's a cop in the corner. He calls you by another name and you cringe away from him for a second.



"That isn't me," you hear yourself blurt out as your eyes blur hot with tears. Going to wipe it away, you find your arms bandaged. "From the glass," he explains with a stern look. "I don't know what came over me," you admit sheepishly as you compose yourself. "I know it has to sound crazy, but something happened to me."



Surprisingly though, the look in his eyes isn't one of blame. "Something
did happen," he says with a sigh. "You're a long way from home, Andrews." You feel your face go hot in sudden anger.


"Why does everyone keep calling me that, god damn it!" you snap, showing your teeth at him. He pulls back in his chair in surprise. "Look... I get that you're confused, but you're over 200 miles away from where I saw you last ni--" he starts, but is cut off when you spring from your hospital bed.



Your hands close around the older man's throat as he tries to let out a shriek. You silence it and keep squeezing, feeling your face warp into a Cheshire grin. The life leaves his eyes just as two more police burst into the room with guns drawn. You run towards them, and impossibly loud sounds ring out in the small room and throw you off your feet.



You lie there for a second before the pain comes. And heat. White hot heat rips through you. You scream through gritted teeth and pull yourself up. More noises. Gunshots. You keep advancing through the pain until you look up into the small round barrel of a handgun. You don't hear the shot, but it comes anyway and everything turns white.



"Ahhh!" you cry, waking up just in time to fall on your ass. Hot water rains down into your eyes and a pounding comes from the bathroom door. "Christ, are you okay in there?" comes the voice from earlier. That same familiar voice, this time twisted up in concern. You breath a heavy sigh of relief and laugh. "Yeah, yeah. S-sorry, there was a spider in here..." you say in your own voice. Cracked as it sounds, the person on the other end of the door sounds relived. "Okay! Well you'd better hurry, or you'll be late!"



Exiting the shower you dry quickly and wipe the mirror down as best you can. Tears, joyful ones this time, fall down a face that you recognize immediately. One you've been watching change and grow your whole life. You compose yourself and finish getting ready.



Just a dream, just a scary fucking nightmare.



You've never felt so happy to be in your own skin.



Exiting the bathroom, you dress and gather your things, taking time to grab breakfast to go and plant a longing kiss on the owner of that beautiful voice you know and love. "Gotta' run!" you say with a wink and turn around to get a quick slap on the bum as you head toward the door.



As your fingers grip the handle though, a voice from the television makes you freeze in place, the blood in your veins turning to ice.



"...edy struck when Detective Anderson of the San Antonio Police Department awoke in a hospital room this morning and took the life of another officer, one Alexander O'Malley of Seguin, Texas. Anderson was then confronted by two more officers, the names of which have not been released, and was taken down in an act of self-defense. The cause of Anderson's sudden violent outbursts is yet unknown, but the families of both officers are left grieving and asking one simple question.... 'Why?'"
 
Conceptually compelling, Grin. I'm not sure about the second-person thing, but it's interesting.


Certainly gives it a nice pace. No confusion, no slowdown, consistent tone.


Reckon it'd benefit from a pass in editing to catch some repetition and there's always something that can be replaced (and I personally have an aversion to inserting 'Ahhs' for screams and the like), but good stuff - looking forward to more.
 
Finally, I have time to critique this as promised! (#blamecoursework)


Firstly, I agree with Grey. The second person stuff is interesting and has a certain positive effect but I'm not entirely sure of it. I also reckon it could do with another edit; there's a fair few lines that seem a little clunky. The clunkiness actually kind of works though in some places; matches the voice you're trying to portray quite well. But overall, interesting stuff; I've done a little critique in further depth down below!

Grin said:
DOORS - ROOM 1You've always hated doors. Quality opening!


There's been a feeling in the back of your mind about them. Something a little off each time you open one.
Something in me feels there could be a little more power in this; it is, after all, the explanation of the piece's concept. Perhaps making the second sentence slightly more elaborate would emphasise the feeling more - the informatity and vagueness of 'something' and 'one' in the second is maybe what undoes it.


...



You exited like normal, drying and dressing quickly and smirking at the knock and calming voice from outside that told you "You'd better hurry, or you'll be late!"
Seems a little clunky in the middle to me.


The first bright smile of the day crosses your face.
Love this description! Personification like this always has a brilliant affect of making the piece seem fluid and lively - reminds me of David Mitchell (if you've read him). Nice stuff!


Turning it, you feel the rush of cold as it swings open.
Repetition of 'it' could possibly need changing to make it more succinct.


Your smile fades. This isn't your bedroom. In fact, your bed is gone. In place of a bedroom is a long hallway that you don't recognize. The carpet is the yellowish white of coffee-stained teeth and the calendar hanging on the wall to your left lists names and dates that you don't recognize in bright, taunting red marker.
More great description :D


Your breath catches in your throat. A shadow twists onto the carpet and a sing-song voice calls out to you.



Panic. This wasn't the same voice that playfully chided you earlier for taking your time in the steamy embrace of your shower.
'lavishing your time' might be a better alternative as it continues the sensual connotations of 'steamy embrace'.


You run, darting past the form and not even stopping to look at their face.
This is the only bit where I got a bit confused as to what was going on - what form, where, huh? So perhaps make it more clear before that the shadow is becoming a 'form'. I personally interpretted just as more interesting description.


A scream sounds behind you.
This 'sounds' is perhaps unneccesary; I reckon you could use the same effect as you did with 'Panic' above here.


Tears, hot and heavy, trace wet lines down your face and blur your vision.
I love the first part here, another bit of quality description. The second bit seems like a missed opertunity for a good metaphor to me though.


You quickly make your way to a line of stores, ignoring the angry sounding horns as you step right through a crosswalk without looking. Someone even shouts something, but you're too set on the buildings in front of you to notice.
There's no need for 'sounding' in 'angry sounding horns', as without it you get more nice personification that adds to the surrealness quite nicely.


There's no one inside. You're staring at a reflection. However, the person staring back... ISN'T YOU.
Short sentences used to great affect here; lovely stuff. Not much of a fan of the capitalisation here though; makes it seem a little more primative than it actually is.


.
[/quote]
 

Users who are viewing this thread

Back
Top