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Critique please? Story Prologue~

Ren_93

Consistent Randomness



“Tyron and Selia Herin, please open the door. This is the Authority,” The words echoed throughout the couple’s small house. Two adults, one thirty and the other twenty-five, exchanged looks and then turned to look at their daughter. Her wavy, dark brown hair was pulled back into a loose ponytail and she sat on the floor, playing with a new toy she’d received. Selia buried her face into Tyron’s shoulder, shaking her head as she did so.



“I don’t want to let her go, Tyron. She’s only five!” Being her first child, Tyron understood her want to keep their daughter with them as long as possible. Yet, it was state mandate that at the age of five, the child was sent to The Center to be tested for their Sector. Selia and Tyron both had high hopes that their daughter would be in their Sector. It was typical that the child remained in the parents Sector until the age of five, but after that, it was all determined by The Center’s tests.



Tyron smoothed Selia’s brown, red tinted hair down and pushed some out of her face, kissing her briefly before giving her a reassuring smile. She gave him one back, one he could tell was forced through the tears that were beginning to well up in her eyes.



"Selia, we aren't the only ones that have to do this. You
know that," He said as she wiped her eyes, pulling away slightly. "She won't be gone that long. She'll go and get tested, and then come back to us."


Selia jerked away from him, giving him a hurt expression, "Come back to us?
Come back to us? Tyron, they don't always come back!"


Tyron sighed, "Well... no," he admitted, "They don't always." Selia began to look as though she'd cry, causing Tyron to add quickly, "But that's only in rare cases, Selia. Alaz is just fine. She'll be in our Sector and everything will be perfect, you'll see." Selia didn't respond, telling Tyron loud and clear that she doubted what he said.



He sighed and released her, heading to the door just as another series of knocks began. Selia, meanwhile, went and sat down next to their daughter, brushing some cake crumbs from the small child’s white dress, orange flowers designs decorating the edges of it.



Selia listened as Tyron spoke with the Authority at the door, taking in a staggering breath as she heard them speaking of how long Alazarin would be gone. Two weeks to complete the entire test and then another week before they would be called to The Center to receive the results. Selia ignored them after that, turning her full attention to Alaz, who was staring in awe at the stuffed bear she’d gotten for her birthday only hours earlier. A song that the five-year-old- frequently heard her mother sing to her was flowing from the white furred stuffed animal.


Alaz looked up at her mother, back at the bear and then back to her mother. “Momma,” She said breathlessly, “how’s it know your song?” Selia gave Alaz a half smile, reaching over to pull the green-eyed child into her lap. She toyed with Alaz’s hair for a moment, straightening the bow that was attached to the ponytail.



“It’s a magic bear, Alaz. Anytime you feel scared or alone, just squeeze it’s paw like this,” She placed her daughters hand on the right paw of the bear, giving it a light squeeze as a different song began to play from the toy. Alaz giggled and clapped gleefully upon hearing this new song. She paused and Selia couldn’t help but grin at the expression Alaz had on her face. It was as though the five-year-old girl was thinking deeply on something and the wide-eyed look that lit up her face told Selia something had dawned on her young daughter.



“What is it, Alaz?” Selia prompted and watched Alaz slowly reach for the bears right hind paw. She squeezed it and gasped as yet another stream of words emanated from the white ball of fur. Alaz smiled and then did the same to the other hind paw, grabbed the bear and scrambling from her mother’s lap.



“Daddy, Daddy!” Alaz shouted, running to her father who still stood at the open front door, speaking to the Authority. He looked down, scooping Alaz up as she began to tug on his pant leg, “What is it, honey?”



Alaz pointed to the bear, “It talks! It talks like you and Momma! See,” Alaz said with a very serious expression as she squeezed one of the paws. Tyron gave a small gasp, “It does! Why don’t you go and show Momma? Daddy needs to finish talking to the other adults.”



Alaz frowned, turning in her father’s arms to look at the two people standing in the doorway. Both were clothed in a full black outfit, some sort of vest covering their chests and a gun strapped around their left thighs. Alaz noticed the Daylight band that clung tightly to their right biceps and stuck her thumb in her mouth with a little grunt. She knew that band; it was the same one that her parents wore on their arms. Tyron removed her thumb and with a sigh set Alaz down. She stood there next to him for a moment, regarding both Authority before walking back over to Selia.



Tyron watched Alaz head back over to his wife before running a hand through his short, black hair, letting out another sigh. “So, she needs a week’s worth of clothes and she can take one toy with her? Is there anything else she needs?” he asked, crossing his arms. The female Authority shook her head, “No. You can, if you want, give us one recipe that she’s likely to eat on an upset stomach. The tests could upset her and not everything at The Center is sure to keep on her stomach. It differs from child to child,” She said with a small shrug.



His brow furrowed as Tyron thought for a moment, glancing at either Authority before holding up one finger. “Selia, can you come over here for a minute?” She looked up with an obvious expression of nervousness and slight anger, but got up regardless and walked over to him. “Yes, what is it?” Tyron motioned to the Authority and she explained again what Alaz would need. Selia only nodded as she listened and without a word turned around, heading down the hallway to their daughter’s bedroom.



Alaz continued to play with the bear and eventually beginning to yawn and rub her eyes. She got up, wavering for a moment on unsteady legs and yet again walked to her father’s side, tugging on Tyron’s pant leg. “Daddy, I’m tired,” She said with a yawn. The bear was held securely in both arms, snug against her chest before she leaned against her father’s leg, yawning again. Tyron picked her up, her head resting on his shoulder as she started to nod off.



The male Authority glimpsed Selia walking back up the hallway with a small, dark orange and black backpack, slightly bulging. “Here,” She muttered, handing it over to the male Authority as the other reached for Alaz. Tyron hesitated for a moment, waiting as Selia gave Alaz a kiss on the cheek and he did the same, brushing some loose strands of hair from his daughters face. “See you soon kiddo. Be good for them, okay?”



He didn’t expect much more than the grumble and slight whine Alaz gave as she was taken by the female Authority. As they both turned to head back down the path to the car, Selia spoke up, her voice shaking slightly, “The recipe is in the front pocket,” She said, taking a few steps out the door. “She doesn’t like the dark either.”



She started to walk off the front porch but Tyron wrapped his arms around her waist from behind, kissing her neck lightly. “Selia, calm down, she’ll be fine, I promise.” He said softly, tugging his wife back inside as he began to feel her shiver in the cold, November wind. He couldn’t say he didn’t feel the same, being dressed in a pair of black slacks, a thin, white button down, long-sleeved shirt, and dress shoes.



He didn’t know how Selia could stand outside in the sleeveless, burnt orange dress she’d worn for their daughter’s birthday party. It was hardly past her knees, but Tyron didn’t say anything of it. She’d long since taken off the black high heeled shoes, so when he shut the door and she slid down to the floor, crying, he merely picked her up and retreated back to their bedroom. He knew she wouldn’t sleep well tonight.





-----------------------------------





Alaz blinked a few times, blurry images beginning to sharpen as she rubbed her eyes. She looked out the car window to her right, noticing buildings passing by in a blur of colors and the cars driving steadily next to them. She craned her neck, trying to see her mother and father in front seat but could only make out the faint outlines of two people she didn't recognize. Her grip tightened around the stuffed bear as she held him close, "Where's my Momma?" She ventured to ask in the eerie silence. The female Authority sitting in the front passenger seat turned around, giving Alaz a smile, "They're back home, Alaz. We're taking you to The Center, remember? Your parents told you about this earlier today."



Frowning, the five-year-old looked at her bear and squeezed it's left paw. "
I love you Alaz, forever and always," she squeezed it again, listening to her mother’s voice. She remembered the conversation, of course. Her parents had sat her down and spoke to her after breakfast earlier this morning. She'd been eating waffles with strawberries and oranges when they'd said she was going to be staying somewhere else for a little while for some tests. She didn’t like the idea of leaving home, but when Daddy had said she'd get a small, glowing arm band like them, she'd immediately lightened up about the whole ordeal. Getting to take the bear made her feel a bit better. She could still hear her parents voices and even the song Momma sang to help her get to sleep at night.


"We're almost to The Center, Alaz. When we get there, the nice doctors there are going to take care of you, alright? We'll have to leave." Alaz looked at the female Authority and didn't say anything. Why would she care if these two Authority left? She didn't know them anyways. The lady was nice but the guy hadn't said a word the entire time and turned the air conditioning on, making Alaz cold in the back seat. It was then she decided she didn't like him and resorted to ignoring both adults the rest of the way to The Center. It wasn't much longer though before they stopped at a gate where someone looked in the window and then two large, metal doors slid away to let them in.



Alaz stared up at the tall building. It was shaped like a circle, she thought, since the entire front of the building that she could see was rounded. It took her about three tries, but she eventually counted six floors to it. In the dark, the walls looked dark blue in the moonlight, but windows of light were spread evenly throughout the entire building. She could see the area that they were driving up to had a huge glass wall instead of solid concrete like most buildings she saw. There were colorful shapes painted on the walls inside and large, brightly colored objects were hanging from the ceiling. She stared at it until the door to her right opened; she hadn't even realized the car had stopped, let alone that anyone had gotten out.



The male Authority with them began to unbuckle Alaz but she whined and pushed his hands away, "I'll do it! I'm a big girl," She said in a whiny tone of voice as she struggled with the buckle for a moment. As soon as it clicked and gave way, she reached for her bear and scooted out of the car, the female Authority taking hold of her hand as soon as she set foot outside. Alaz looked around for a moment, staring at the water fountains that lined the walkway to the entrance. She tried to pull away from the Authority but her grip tightened and Alaz looked up, watching the Authority shake her head. Alaz pouted, sticking her tongue out as they entered the building.



The glass doors slid apart and cold air blasted them for a moment before they crossed the threshold and the male Authority began to speak to someone at a desk to their right. Alaz wasn’t paying any attention to them, looking at the fountains still until a grey shape moved in a chair that sat in a wide open area full of couches, chairs and tables. It took her a moment to realize the shape was in fact a grey cat, stretching.



“A kitty! Can I go pet it, please,” Alaz asked, jumping up and down with wide eyes. The female Authority glanced at the cat and then at her partner, who was still busy talking to the woman at the desk. She shrugged in the end and walked with Alaz over to the chair. While Alaz crawled up into the seat with the cat and set it in her lap, the Authority sat down on a couch across from her. She removed the gun holster from her leg and set it next to her, removing the vest in quick succession. She tugged loose the bun she’d had up all day since she started work nearly eleven hours earlier, sighing in relief as dark, blonde hair fell nearly halfway down her back.



She had a feeling that Bryan, her partner in every sense of the word, would snap at her for being out of uniform before they got off, but they had twenty minutes left before their shift ended and they both headed home. She’d deal with that later though, as she grinned faintly, watching Alaz snuggle the cat that hardly seemed to mind being smothered by the five-year-old. She’d have to talk to Bryan again about kids. He’d been avoiding the subject and making up reasons why they couldn’t try but Casia knew otherwise. He was scared about becoming a father and rightfully so, but Casia couldn’t deny that the possibility of becoming a mother was just as daunting to her.



She shook her head of the thought, turning her focus to more important tasks as she heard Bryan whistle. She glanced at him and his aggravated expression as he saw she’d taken her down her hair and removed her gun and vest. She just gave him a grin and he shook his head, mildly irritated but motioned for her to come over, with Alaz no doubt. Casia stood up, leaving her gun and vest on the couch as she held a hand out to Alaz. “C’mon, time to get checked in.”



Alaz didn’t move from her position on the chair, the cat purring contentedly in her lap as she stroked its fur. She looked up at Casia and then at the cat, “His name is Mr. Snuggles,” she declared, “and we have agreed that he’s going to stay with me,” she added, scratching the fat, grey cat behind its’ ears. He tilted his head either way, letting out a meow as Alaz shifted him from her lap to the chair. His claws dug in and Alaz yelped, angrily prying the cat loose. Had it not been for Casia, she might have hit him instead of having him removed by the adult.



“Let’s get going, I’m sure they’ve got a full day planned for you tomorrow,” Casia said as she took hold of Alaz’s hand and walked over to Bryan. He was still slightly irritated as he spoke to the receptionist and Casia scowled a little. She hated it when he was in this mood. He turned to them and handed Casia the backpack, motioning for Alaz to come closer to him. She refused to move but a gentle nudge from Casia and noticing that all Bryan had in hand was an wrist band like the doctors gave her eased her worries. He kneeled down on one knee and secured the band around her left wrist.



“Don’t take this off, alright? It’s important that you always keep it on while you’re here,” he said as he tugged on it lightly to make sure it wouldn’t fall off. Alaz gave a nod before realizing she didn’t have her bear. She turned around quickly, pulling away from Bryan before he could grab her. She ran back over to the chair that she’d been sitting on, making a face at the cat before she snatched her bear from the seat and ran back over to Bryan and Casia.



Bryan looked at her with a clearly aggravated expression but didn’t say anything. Casia was speaking to a woman in a long, white coat. Alaz saw the thing hanging around her neck that doctors used during her checkups and decided the woman was a doctor to. She held on tight to her bear, walking over next to Casia. The doctor looked down at her with a gentle smile, kneeling down to be eye level with the five-year-old.



“You must be miss Alazarin, am I right?” she asked and Alaz held the bear up, covering the bottom portion of her face as she gave the faintest of nods. Still being tired and confronted with a person so wide awake was odd for her. She was used to waking up with her parents, all of them being groggy and not quite fully aware quite yet.



“Well, it’s certainly nice to meet you, Alazarin. I’m Dr. Centren and I’ll be taking care of you while you’re here. How’s that sound?”



Alaz had no reply as she looked the doctor over. She had black hair pulled back into a high ponytail, a strand of hair falling down on either side of her face. Dr. Centren had a pair of sleek, dark blue glasses on and seemed to be a little shorter than Casia. Alaz caught sight of a bright blue band on her right bicep and frowned. She didn’t see that band very often and as such, pointed to it with a questionable expression.



Dr. Centren stood up before motioning to her band and Alaz nodded, “I’m a Darklight, Alaz. It’s another Sector, kind of like your parents Daylight Sector. We just sleep differently than you,” She explained and when Alaz made no movement to ask another question or seemingly run off, her backpack was handed over by Casia.



“Her mother said that there’s a recipe in the front pocket,” Casia stated as she pulled her hair back and tied it in a loose bun. Dr. Centren checked the pocket before nodding, watching Bryan walk up behind Casia. She noted how the two Authority stood in relationship to each other and the expression Bryan was giving Casia. She didn’t question their bond, however against the rules she knew it to be. Right as they were turning to leave, Casia pointed to the chair that the grey cat was sleeping in and started to ask about him but Dr. Centren waved her question away.



“His name is Ash. He’s been here since he was a kitten and the kids seem to like him. We use him to calm them down when they’re upset, sometimes,” Dr. Centren said dismissively, shrugging. Casia seemed content with the answer and turned, heading towards the door. Just as they got outside, Dr. Centren watched an arm snake around her back and pull her close. She smirked slightly, watching both Authority climb into their car and then turned to Alaz, “Well, ready to get started?” Judging by Alaz’s sleepy expression and yawning, Dr. Centren guessed not and that what the young girl needed was sleep. She was used to being on a Daylights schedule, after all.



“I’ll show you to your room. Do you like the color purple?” The question seemed random, but Alaz stifled a yawn as she nodded, clutching her bear tightly with her left arm as Dr. Centren took hold of her right hand and began leading her to an elevator. Alaz looked at the buttons in the brightly lit elevator and reached up to push one of them. Dr. Centren didn’t stop her, instead merely stating which floor they needed to go to. After thinking for a moment, Alaz pressed the correct button and the elevator doors closed before the metal box shuttered and started its slow ascent.



The doors opened on the fifth floor, the lights slightly dim in the hallways. Alaz made no question of it and instead resorted to trying to remain on both feet. She wanted to go back to sleep and could care less where she slept, as long as it was in a bed somewhere. Dr. Centren led her down two different hallways, stopping at one room. There was a glass window to the right of the door, crisscrossed with wire inside of the glass that would let someone look into the room. After sliding a card through a reader, the door clicked open and Dr. Centren motioned for Alaz to go inside.



The walls were painted a dark purple, a lighter color overlapping it with flowers and swirly designs. As a night light, vines of tiny lights crossed each other along the tops of the walls and at the head of the bed. Alaz stared at it, noticing the window that was on the far wall was low enough she could climb up and sit there to look out, pillows resting against either side of the small, inset area.



“This is my room,” Dr. Centren couldn’t help but notice the statement sounded more like a question but ignored it as she pulled back the bed sheets and opened a drawer on the small nightstand next to the bed. She removed a pair of grey sweat pants and a matching sweat shirt for Alaz, laying them on the bed. “This is the outfit you’ll need to wear tomorrow when you’re woken up, alright? When you aren’t having tests done, you can stay in here in your regular clothes,” She added, motioning to the backpack full of clothes that she’d set in a chair next to the nightstand.



Alaz was hardly listening as she climbed up in bed. She began to nod off but Dr. Centren shook her, “Alaz, you need to change out of your dress and shoes,” In response, Alaz scooted away and curled into a small ball, wrapping the bear up in her arms as she started to go to sleep. Dr. Centren sighed, looking through the backpack, discovering a few different sets of night clothes that Selia had packed.



“She’s a good mother,” she murmured with a faint smile as she worked to change Alaz out of her dress and into the set of cotton shorts and t-shirt. The design on the pants and shirt made Dr. Centren grin in the darkness. It seemed a very old children’s cartoon was making a comeback if the characters on the shirt told her anything.



Trying not to wake Alaz up, Dr. Cetren covered her up and turned all but the lights on the far wall off. She began to shut the door before shaking her head, thoughts running rampant through her head. She knew what the tests were going to say, but she couldn’t change them, no matter how much she wanted to save this little girl.



------------------END-------------------



 
You set up an interesting story here. I wonder what is going to happen next and what the big picture is.


For the opening line, instead of them say "This is the Authority", introduce Casia and Bryan by name seeing as how Alaz's parents and them have a relationship. Make it more personal. Or you could start with the party where the parents have the conversation with Alaz.


Describe what the Daylight badge looks like.


Scenery would be nice, too.


I got the feeling that Alaz was very intelligent for a five year old. Maybe that was intentional but she seems very understanding and not very frightened to be separated from her parents. Appeared very one-dimensional. I don't remember her crying.


I like the bit where the parents talk about her stuffed bear. Very emotional and engaging.


You have a lot of moving pieces and introduce many characters and concepts. If they're not necessary, I would remove the Authority couple out right and have them be nameless figures. One can still be caring and the other cold, but there were a lot of names and they seemed very involved for a couple that you may or may not see again. If they are important to the story, I would trim back some of the information provided and add is slowly to the story as they become move involved. Same goes for the Doctor. It was hard to tell who was the main character, if there was a main character, or if the story is mainly story driven instead of character driven.


I like the dystopia/1984 feel you have for the story. Feels gritty and dark.


Your writing style is engaging but I was distracted by some of your word choice. You use words like "mildly" or "slightly" or the like frequently. Be firm. People are either angry or annoyed, rarely "slightly annoyed". Your characters also sigh a lot.


You put work into this story so I think it only fair I give you my honest opinion and notes. Again, I am intrigued and want to know more about this place and setting. What is going on with the Center? What is the Authority's role? Why did they take Alaz and many before her? It is good you can generate such a response. Minor tweaks and revisions can only help the story improve.


Thank you.


P.S. also, what is the title?
 
Circus, thank you very much for your feedback! :)


Honestly, the detailed bits about Casia and Bryan could probably be removed now that you mention it. They play no big role later on. I was just rambling I think -.-"


Describing the Daylight badge is kinda hard for me... <.<" I have a drawing of it but... yeah.


7arejyta.jpg



I could definitely do better in scenery...I usually lack details when I write so I might have gone overboard in areas and seriously lacked in others.


Might I ask what you mean by one-dimentional?


The bear plays a bigger part later on :) As does the Doctor, but I can probably work her in later. I think I know how as well ^^ Thank you!


Oops O.o I'm sorry. I didn't even realize I did that very much. Reading back on it though, I see what you mean.


The Center is going to be a huge plot scene for Alaz and a few others for awhile. The testing for their groups go on here, as well as it being a place where State Wards reside. The Authority are basically their police but they have a few extra jobs (like picking the kids up for their tests). They take them to test for their group (Daylight, Darklight, or Midnight), or so parents are told.


The name for it is Half Alive.
 
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By one-dimensional I mean that Alaz seems to be the center of the story, but detached from it as well. I don't get the feeling that she is main focus but more of the center which the story revolves around. For instance, while Alaz is moved around, you describe the other characters and how they feel rather than Alaz's feelings. She feels more like the object of the story rather than the main character.


I didn't get the feeling that she was a child, but more of a baby genius with a detached emotional setting. Children cry, get confused easily, and make mistakes. She can be a smart child, but a child is still a child. Maybe it is the age that is throwing me off but I didn't buy it. It could work if she were older.


I like your character description and involvement. Scenery is a good way to tie it all together. You can add depth and emotion to the story without involving characters. For example, "The clouds appeared heavy, as if full of tears" or "the shadows stretched like hands - grasping and clawing." It can help set up how a character is feeling without explicitly saying so.


I would like to read your work further if you make any revisions. Keep me posted.
 
Hm. Word choice is indeed questionable, in places. Many sentences are clunky, longer than they need to be. Any time I see a character's hair described before anything else, I take it as a red flag.


It's good that you start with a reasonably dramatic scene, but it could use framing - with no idea what the environment looks like, I just picture the apartments from Equilibrium.


Circus is correct that Alaz comes across as a passive observer, at best.


I do like that you've humanized the Authority, to some extent - as generic as their title is, it's nice to see the totalitarian police state run by actual people. Implies this'll have depth going forward.


Pacing feels odd. Between that and the format it's not a comfortable read.


Incidentally, good effort to show rather than tell - most early efforts resort to expository infodumps and 'your father, the king...' ploys. The early conversation feels like one of the most natural in the whole excerpt.
 

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