Realistic or Modern Anchored by Love: Draft Three

[Lexus]

“Not dressed in that outfit you don’t. I don’t know many Texas men who cuff their jeans, but I know a notherner who does,” continuing to converse with Jayden I finished my food, setting the wrapper aside. “So where are you from?” I asked intrigued. “You can’t be from the south if you’re asking me about Florida beaches. Most people from the south visit occasionally and if you are from the north, why the hell did you decide to move to Texas, the diehard southern state. They make fun of people like you for being a Yankee. That’s gotta be rough, “ By then I heard my phone go off and knew it was Isabel. At first, I didn’t want to grab it because it was probably just her taking her anger out on me for being direct but then I had the same thought I always did when it got like this. What if she needs something? You can’t ignore her when she’s really hurt. Swallow your pride, Amelia. Taking the phone out of my purse, I apologized for the action interrupting the conversation and was once again, quick to reply to my best friend. “Okay, I’ll see you later then. Have a good day.” Putting the phone away, I watched Jayden take off the lip from his coffee, probably to take bigger sips out of it than the lid let him, another thing grandpa does. The reminder made me smile. I missed him. I would have to visit everyone soon. I noticed Jayden drank his coffee black, which turned my stomach, not because I found it revolting but because it physically made me sick if I tried to do the same. I hadn’t noticed what he ordered when he did because I was too lost in my thoughts about Isabel and what she was going through.

 

[isax]

“What’s wrong with cuffing your jeans? It wouldn’t look right if they weren’t cuffed with these shoes,” chuckling at myself I enjoyed how talkative Amelia got. In the beginning it was rather awkward but now it wasn’t a problem. She was right about many of the Texans here picking on my Yankee self. I hadn’t given much thought as to why I moved here in awhile. I missed my city, Chicago, but Dallas was also nice. It wasn’t as busy as Chicago but moving here was the right choice. I needed to get away from my city. “It’s not too rough. I can handle my own battles when they happen. The force doesn’t really care that I’m a Yankee. If we’re being honest, they actually enjoy having me around. I think it’s the accent they make fun of the most and I can’t blame them.” It was always about the accent for me. No one seemed to mind how I dressed. What they always found intriguing was my accents, just like I found theirs intriguing. Southern accents were warmer and much friendlier. “I’m from Chicago. It’s a beautiful city. You should visit sometime. I came to Texas to get away from it all, if we’re being honest. The drama with my family wasn’t what I wanted to be around anymore so I left.” I shrugged my shoulders to show Amelia I really didn’t care about leaving. I just needed to get as far away as possible from my family. Especially my mother who I wouldn’t dare consider family at this point.

 

[Lexus]

Jayden's unhappiness with his family struck a chord with me because I left Florida for the same reason. My relatives were too controlling even though they had good intentions most of the time. "Ahh the land of the deep dish pizza. I'm not much of a fan. I prefer thin crust. I'm sure it's nice there, though, I haven't had the opportunity to visit but I'm sure I will eventually. I'll let you know how it goes. Finishing off my drink I got up to throw away my trash to clear the table, growing up in a family of people who worked service jobs, I always did my best to make it easier for others who also worked them. When I was walking back to the table, I watched curiously as a little girl caught my attention when she asked her mother for a muffin and her mother silently rejected the request, as she handed the cashier the last few ones from her purse. I knew why the girl's mother told her no and it was like looking back in time at myself when I was the girl's age. Watching the girl just sigh and nod in understanding as her mother took her hand and they sat at a table where they shared a hot chocolate between them, I stepped back towards the booth for my wallet without looking at Jayden and got back in the line where I ordered another hot chocolate and the last two blueberry muffins the little girl was eyeing. Walking over to their table, I smiled friendly at the two. "Hi, I hope I'm not intruding," I said sweetly. I knew from first glance, I looked intimidating because of my attire and my fair colored skin, it gave away the stigma of power and privilege. Turning to the little girl I set the muffin and her own hot chocolate in front of her. "I saw you eyeing this. They're good huh?" I asked in a smile, giggling at her nod. "I brought your mom one too. Does she like them?" I asked, hoping Jayden didn't mind my spontaneous interjection. I couldn't not do anything. When the girl nodded, I held out my hand. "My name's Amelia, what's yours, cutie?" I asked turning to her mother to offer a smile to put her at ease but I knew she wasn't bothered when I saw the shocked smile on her face.

"It's okay, you can talk to her," the mother replied in permission to her daughter. "Tell her your name, she did something nice for you, use your manners please."

 

[isax]

"My name's Lindsey! Thank you for the hot chocolate and the yummy muffins!" I replied to the nice lady standing by the table mommy and I were sitting at. I took her hand in my own, giggling happily when she moved them up and down. This was a handshake. Mommy had taught me it was the polite thing to do when you met someone for the first time. Amelia was so pretty in her red outfit. Many people who dressed like her were always rude to mom and I but she was the nicest one I've ever met. I was thankful she bought me the blueberry muffin. I really wanted it but I always knew when mommy said no it was because we couldn't get it right now. "You're really pretty!" I told Amelia before she had the chance to leave, reaching for the cup of hot chocolate she bought me that I drank happily. Mommy and I always shared but I was happy to have my own for once.

Amelia never ceased to amaze me. One moment she was telling me about her her pizza preference, which I would remember from now on, to noticing a little girl walk in with her mother. We both noticed the same thing, the little girl asking her mother for a muffin only to be told not right now. I knew what that meant. I knew what it was like to be in the little girls shoes except instead of being with my mother, I was with my father. I made a mental note to call him sometime later in the day. I watched Amelia come back to the table and grab her wallet, knowing fully well what she was planning on doing. I watched everything happen, Amelia purchasing the hot chocolate and muffins and her giving it to the mother and child. It warmed my heart as I watched the little girl, who's name was Lindsey, interact with Amelia like she was the nicest person in the world. Amelia had a gentle and caring heart. It melted my heart knowing that. As I watched the three converse happily, I sat back and sipped on my coffee before getting up to throw my trash away, smiling as I noticed the little girl wave at me. I waved back with a genuine smile before I sat back down, the smile never fading when Amelia joined me again. "She's a cutie. You have such a gentle soul, Amelia. I'm sure that little girl will never forget the kind action you just did." I said softly. "When do you have to go to work?"

 

[Lexus]

“We’re just so full of compliments today, Officer Acciolli, if I didn’t know any better I would think you were trying to flirt with me,” I teased, putting my wallet neatly back into my purse. For me it wasn’t a question of whether or not to step in and buy the muffin. I didn’t do it for the praise, I did it because I wished so many times someone would do the same for me and it was part of my calling to remind as many people as I could, that even though si looked superior to so many, all I wanted was for all of us to be equal in our quality of life. No mother should have to ration her resources of tell her daughter no simply because she couldn’t afford it. That wasn’t okay to me. Looking at the watch on my wrist, I sighed contently. “I have to be there in an hour. Why? Did you want to boost my ego some more to get me to like you? Or did you have something else planned? If you’re in a hurry to go, I don’t want to keep you. But I appreciated the breakfast and latte, thank you.”

 

[isax]

Flirting huh? Did it seem like I was flirting? There was a chance I was in fact flirting but I wasn't going to admit that to her. I refused to admit it. I hadn't flirted with anyone since Eve. Since she wrecked my entire life. Smiling gently at the woman before me, I was relieved she didn't have to go to work for another hour. I just wanted at least thirty more minutes with her, plus the Associated Press was close by to where we were. I chose this cafe for that reason. "Now now, are you trying to push me off?" I asked teasingly, smiling at her before I released a content sigh. "I was asking because you caught me. I want to spend just a little more time boosting your ego but I want to take you somewhere. Something tells me you don't explore downtown Dallas enough." I took her hand gently in mine, ignoring the feeling I got from it. It was like a shock of electricity that start at our fingers and move up my arm, spreading out through the rest of my body. It was exhilarating. I lead her out of the cafe and down the street, right to the park in the middle of downtown. There were several morning joggers running with their dogs, plenty of dog handlers letting their owners dogs run around. I walked us over to a bench, smiling gently as the sun cast a glow on the woman beside me. "Just take in the morning sun before the storm comes in and you have to spend the rest of your day in a building." You also look stunning.

 

[Lexus]

I wasn't so sure why I felt comfortable enough to let my contradictory bubbly feisty self come out but it was too late to draw back now. Letting him take my hand I grabbed my purse in the midst of his rush, almost falling to one side while he rushed off. "I'm not in the right shoes to keep up with you!" I exclaimed but soon laughed it off when he looked back at me with a playful glare. "I dressed for coffee before work, not coffee and a run through downtown." Once we arrived to the bench I happily occupied it, fixing my heel that became dispositioned from Jayden's excited dash. Looking over to him when he made a comment about the storm and being stuck in the building all day."Hey now, be nice, that building you're hating on is usually very lively and I put my heart and soul in what I do while I'm in it, thank you very much. Also, it's very stereotypical for you to think as a journalist all I do all day is sit at a cubicle because that's not what I do. They're lucky if I'm in that building more than four hours three days a week. Don't assume, Jayden. You sit at a desk more than I do with your reports. How long does it take you to fill out that 32-page injury report, three hours?" I replied, matter-of-factly, brushing my hair behind my ear, getting annoyed that it was sticking to my cheek.

 

[isax]

I released a chuckle when Amelia replied to my comment matter-of-factly. She was so smart it blew my mind but how she knew the injury report paper was exactly 32 pages made me curious. She knew a lot about what I did for a living. It wasn’t unusual for a crime reporter to know the basics but what she said made me feel as though she knew so much more. “And how did you know it was 32 pages, journalist? I feel like you have some type of CJ background but you just don’t tell anyone you have the extensive knowledge.” Smiling at the journalist, I released a gentle and content sigh, looking out to where the young children not in school yet were playing. “You just keep amazing me. What else is there about you that no one knows?” I asked her curiously, laughing when she refused to tell me more. “Well now, I suppose Ill just have to invite you for coffee again. Maybe dinner will be better.” I noticed Amelia was struggling with a strand of her hair and I couldn’t stop myself from moving my hand to the side of her face, taking the hairs that were sticking to her and putting them behind her ear. With a gentle smile at her, I chuckled. “Thank you for joining me today, Amelia. I really do appreciate it.” Thank you for being you.

 

[Lexus]

Shrugging my shoulder, I looked over them with a smirk. "You're not wrong, I do know more than I'm willing to tell but I'm not going to tell you why it isn' t fun to give all my secrets away so soon, you'll lose interest. Laughing at his continued flattery, I controlled my blushing, not wanting Jayden to know how his tactical compliments were warming me up to him. I couldn't help but shake my head at him asking what else no one knew about me, it gave me the urge to cry but I once again to myself. "More than you realize," I replied in a whisper, looking at me nervous by his persistence, I wanted to make an excuse to leave, but I didn't. I'm not ready to let someone else in. When he touched me, I gently pulled away, "Sorry," I said realizing how off-putting that action would be for him. "Jayden, I really wouldn't mind being a friend, but that's all I can be. Please don't take that the wrong way. I really enjoyed this and you're sweet and I would like to do this more often but Nick and I weren't anything like you think. We weren't in a relationship. He wanted one and I didn't. I never did, but then, well, you know what happened. It was an accident, the baby. I don't want kids but I was ready to own up to the responsibility. There's just too much i want to do for me to expect another person to be okay with me trotting across the world more than I'm home. I was going to change my whole life because I made a mistake, but I wasn't ready to change everything. I'm sorry about Nick though, y'all seemed close, I feel awful for being the one who made you see what he was capable of. I'm here if you ever need anything though, we'll get through this together."

 

[isax]

There is was. I couldn’t be upset knowing Amelia didn’t want to be in a relationship. I understood completely because I was the same way until I met her. After Eve, I never wanted to be with another woman ever again. After she took what would have been my world from me, being with someone was unappealing. I just didn’t understand why there was a pang of hurt when Amelia told me she didn’t want a relationship. I didn’t understand why it hurt as much as it did and when she pulled her hand away is what hurt the most. Nick. There it was. The one thing I didn’t want to think of right now but she brought him up. I listened though, grinning and bearing with a gentle smile. It became genuine when she still put me above herself. When she said we would get through all of this together. “I completely understand, Amelia. Don’t seem so gloomy.” I said gently, smiling at her with a gentle expression. “I would love to be your friend. So, let’s be friends. Don’t worry so much about how I feel about Nick. I promise I’m okay and moving on. Also, if you ever need anything, don’t hesitate to call me.” With that, I changed the subject, asking if she had any siblings. I didn’t want the last little amount of time we had together before she went to work be ruined. When she had to leave, I walked her back to her car, smiling genuinely before I let her leave. “I’ll see ya soon. Let’s grab dinner sometime. Let me know when you’re free.”

 

[Lexus]

I felt guilty for hurting Jayden, even if only for a moment, but I just wasn’t ready to throw myself at another man. Especially not Nick’s best friend, it felt like a dirty thing to do even though he turned out to be a monster. It still felt wrong. I needed time of it was even going to turn into anything at all. I was relieved when Jayden respected that wish. “I have two sisters, they’re both younger than me, but we aren’t really as close as we used to be,” I replied while we walked back to my car together, my hands in my pockets to keep them warm from the cool breeze that was starting to turn a slight bit ridged I could tell he didn’t want to talk about his family the way he grimaced when he mentioned them the first time, so I didn’t reciprocate the question. Instead I just smiled at his offer for dinner. “We’ll see. You’re busier than I am. Remember?”

 

[isax]

“You’re right. When I have my next day off I’ll let you know. If you’re not busy or out of the city, we can grab dinner.” I left Amelia with a smile after I made sure she was in her car and safe, driving away from the parking lot. She was such an amazing woman but I completely understood why she didn’t want a relationship. Sighing I got into my car and drove back home, making a mental note to call my dad when I get there. We hadn’t talked in awhile and I wanted to check in. I drove home in silence, thinking about Amelia while feeling the same pain I felt. Nick. I was Nicks best friend, of course she didn’t want to date me. I was branded because of the man and I became frustrated knowing that. Nothing would change. Her perception of me wouldn’t but that was fine. As long as I had her in my life, that’s all that matters. Even if we would only be friends for the rest of our lives.

The day was busier than I anticipated it to be. Right now I was sitting outside the GAB, happily eating a grilled cheese from Kush Roti. I was finished with classes but that didn’t mean I could leave campus just yet. I still needed to drop by the Hatch room and meet with all the exec staff, go drop off the hard copy of my essay with my professor, stop by eagle images to pick up my business cards then I could go back home. At this point, I wanted the day to be over so I could nap before going to get dinner with Amelia in the Denton area.

 

[Lexus]

The morning was peaceful but it couldn't last. I had a newsroom to get to and if the newsroom was peaceful, that was never a good thing. It was concerning. As I suspected though, it was far from peaceful, we were still suffering from lack of staff but no one complained. We knew we had no right to, we were the lucky ones who walked away with our lives.

The hectic day only continued, before I made the trip to Denton, I ran home to take care of Jade and change into something more casual but still appropriate for dinner. Looking back at myself in the mirror, I sighed heavily. I usually looked forward to dinner with Isabel but when I had to pry her concerns out of her to reveal how much she was keeping from me, was never easy. I knew she never intentionally kept things from me, or at least I hoped not, but it hurt me when she thought it was better to keep me out of her troubles than to vent to me. She was never a burden and I wished she understood that. Wrapping my scarf around my neck, I changed purses to match my outfit and closed the door to my bedroom so Jade couldn't destroy anything in it during my absence. "I'll be back girl, behave."

Arriving where me and Isabel agreed to meet, I sighed again. "Lord help me," I whispered to myself grabbing my things walking inside. I was the first to arrive so I grabbed the two of us a table and ordered a water. I didn't want to drink tonight. All I ate today was the breakfast sandwich I had with Jayden but I wasn't that hungry. I contributed it to stress but knew better than to eat nothing at all when I'm the one who insisted on this dinner in the first place, Playing with the silver necklace around my neck, I looked up to Isabel when she made her way to the table, I offered a smile. "Hi, how are you?" I asked gently, sipping my water while she sat down.

 

[isax]

After I was finally able to leave campus, I made it to my apartment in a matter of ten minutes. I had three hours to kill before I had to met Amelia. I decided to nap for an hour and a half. The day had been really rough but when I woke up I got ready for dinner with Amelia, picking out a better outfit to wear than what I wore to my classes. I was looking forward to this dinner with my best friend. I really missed her and I knew I shouldn't have kept her put of the loop in regards to what I'm going through. My classes we just stressful and keeping up with all my extracurricular activities was a pain in the neck. NTDaily was not something I wanted to continue being apart of but I loved writing the cultural pieces, especially because no one else would. I just needed a nice dinner with someone who full understood stood me, aka Amelia.

After getting dressed, I glanced at the clock and sigh. I was running late. I quickly grabbed my purse, looking at my complete outfit before I dashed out of my room, closing the door so Apollo couldn't get inside. Filling up his food bowl, I smiled when he ran over excitedly. I still hadn't told Amelia about Apollo but I would. I was lonely by myself in the apartment and wanted company that Apollo just so happened to provide. "Don't make too much of a mess. I'll be back."

When I arrived to the restaurant, I brushed aside all my stressors of the day, wanting to be able to enjoy my dinner and have a nice conversation with Amelia. When I walked inside and made my way to the table, I returned the smile that was offered to me. "Hi, I'm not doing the world's best but I'll get through it. How have you been doing?” I asked her, sitting down across from her with a genuine smile on my face. “I’ve missed you. Thank you for coming to see me. I’m sorry for the way I acted at first. I’ve just been stressed and lost. Senior year is by far the hardest year I’ve had during college.” I released a small laugh at that, trying to lighten the mood and release all the negativity I felt lingering within me.

 

[Lexus]

Brushing off Isabel's first reply to my conversation starter, I just smiled and nodded in understanding. Senior year was hard but she should have known how well I understood that. There was only a year between us but sometimes the gap felt almost detrimental. I did my best to not come off as exasperated but her laugh birthed goosebumps up and down my arms. She was pushing her troubles aside again. I wasn't laughing. "I get it," I replied in the same gentle tone I greeted her with. "It'll get easier once you find a routine that works," I reassured her, ordering chips and salsa as an appetizer when the waiter returned to get Isabel's drink order. I knew she has a lot on her plate and I just wanted her to enjoy the night after what I vaguely heard about her week. I didn't come here to argue with her. She knew better than to keep things from me and she knew how upset it made me when she brushed herself off to me, in the very least, i hoped she went to some of her other friends she went to school with. I decided not to tell her about my morning with Jayden because I just wanted to talk to her without bringing anyone else into it. "I have to leave next week to go to Tennesse for a trial. You can stay at the apartment if you need to get away. My neighbor said they would watch Jade if not."

 

[isax]

“Mm, I’ll stay at your apartment. A getaway would be nice right now. Do you mind if I bring Apollo with me, though?” I asked, thanking our waiter when he brought me the sweet tea I had ordered. “You haven’t met Apollo yet. Here,” I handed her my photo with pictures of the newest addition to my family. Apollo was my caramel and white Maltipoo. “I got him this past week. I was getting lonely in my apartment so I got Apollo. He’s a cute little thing and I can’t wait for you to meet him.” How happy the pup made me was evident in my expression. “So, if you wouldn’t mind me bringing him with me, I would love to crash your apartment while you’re away and hang out with our puppers.” I grabbed a chip, dipping it in salsa before I ate it happily. My stomach was growling because I hadn’t eaten since breakfast. “Do you think I should drop NTDaily? I just can’t stand the way Flora is running it. I know that’s rude and all but it’s the truth. Not every pitch is worthy of being in the paper and all mine have been getting rejected,” I didn’t know why my stories were getting rejected. Some reporters for the paper said it was because Flora didn’t like me. Apparently I stole the internship from her but if she would have tried harder there would have been a chance she got it. The newspaper on campus was a mess and I couldn’t wait until I was out of it and at the Dallas Morning News.

 

[Lexus]

"He's cute, I like him," I said handing Isabel back her phone before i began digging into the chips and salsa myself. "You can bring him," I agreed, listening her to her question I was swirling the salsa with a fresh chip. "Only if you feel like you're doing for the right reasons and not just because you're not doing as well as you thought you would. You're not always going to be one of the best journalists on a staff, that hurts your pride, but you have to learn to move past it and learn that you have to earn respect to work your way up. It's not always about the quality of your pitches, a good editor can tell when your heart isn't fully into your commitment to them. If you make it seem like you could care less either way, they're not going to waste their time on you. That's just how deep and cut throat journalism is, Bel. Not everyone you meet is going to be nice to you from the start." Here we go again with your typical speeches. "Just do what your gut tells you to do and go from there, don't spend too much time overthinking it, especially when you already have a promised position after graduation." I always tried to lay everything about a certain situation out as best as possible. I offered both sides and let her make her best decision. By now the waiter politely interrupted us again to take our orders. I decided on a simple garden salad but added chicken for the protein I lacked today. I made Isabel brownies but I left them in my car for now, it was a small gesture, but i knew it would bring a smile to her face.

 

[isax]

I knew everything Amelia said was right. I understood where she was coming from and why she said what she did. I was hurt none of my pitches were being heard but I don’t want to drop NTDaily because of that. It’s more along the lines of not having time. I have so much to do with Hatch and a lot of my other organizations fall to the back burner. It was sad but true and I just wanted to find all the serenity for the semester already. Adjusting was always hard but I wanted that balance I found in all my previous semesters. When our waiter came to ask for our order, I bit my lip as I looked at my options. I settled on a turkey burger with fries, smiling as he walked away. I grabbed another chip and swirled it in the salsa before I finally told Amelia what I wanted to. “I’m scared.” I said rather quickly, biting my lip before I ate the chip. “This is my last year living in a bubble. I’m ready to get out into the world already but I’m also scared for the change. I get anxiety just thinking about how close graduation is and I wouldn’t say it’s a bad thing. I’m anticipating it and getting my degree but it’s the closing chapter of part my life. Now the new chapter begins.”

 

[Lexus]

I knew this was coming. “The bubble isn’t as worth missing as you think it is, you’re going to be okay. You just have to get through it, but you can’t do it alone.” Sighing I pushed the plate I was using for the chips and salsa away from me, sipping the remainder of my water until there was nothing left. “I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong, Isabel. You know that. This isn’t the first time we’ve had a conversation. You can try to push me away because you think it’s better for me, but it only makes me worry about you more. You can try to go to other people when you feel like a burden coming to me, but you know they aren’t always going to tell you what you need to hear, and honestly, if you’re going to stay in your bubble with your friends rather than come to me when you know you need to, why am I even here?” I knew the last thing I said would hurt her but it was something that needed to be said to put things in perspective for her. This arrangement, though it wasn’t all for her, was supposed to bring us together and instead it still felt like I loves state’s away and not minutes. Did I make a mistake in coming here? Was I invading a part of her life she really didn’t want me to be a part of? Does she find comfort in the distance? All these thoughts rushed my mind as the silence lingered between us, but I needed to know what this all meant. “If you want me to stay out of everything that’s fine but I need to know.”

 

[isax]

Why am I even here? That hurt more than anyone thought it would. I knew I was one of the reasons Amelia came here. The last thing I wanted was her to feel as though I didn't want her here. That was far from the truth. Being so far away from my family never made this easy, especially with the stress of Senior year. Having Amelia minutes away was what I needed in such a trying time like now. "I want you here, Amelia. I really do. I'll always need you here and I'm sorry for pushing you away. The stress from this year is unlike any I've dealt with before. I just want to find that balance and pushing you away wasn't intentional. I just know you've been busy with work but it won't happen anymore. I'll come to you the moment I need you." I said softly, sipping my sweet tea afterwards before I let out a sigh and stared at the table. "I promise things will get better once I find my balance again. What are you doing this weekend? Can I drop by?"

 

[Lexus]

Promise was always a heavy word I always tried to stay her away from using because I hated how much disappointment it brought me when people used it as an empty word when it should be anything but. "I don't know what I'm doing yet but the door is always open." Once our food was brought to us and the tension between us was severed the two of us made amends as usual and enjoyed our meal together. All I wanted was the best for my best friend and I wanted to be a part of whatever her "best" was going to be.

The rest of the week was a blur to me, I spent most of it working and getting some errands done for my upcoming work trip. It was Thursday before I had a moment to myself to breath. Isabel would be coming tomorrow to stay at the apartment for the week so I spent the morning making sure she had everything she would need during her stay, clean sheets and food for a must. I even picked up some toys for Apollo since Jade had since destroyed most of hers since I brought her home. I hoped she got along with Apollo, I took her to the park a few times and she didn't seem to mind other pups, but I never brought another into her territory.

After setting everything up I took my laptop and headed to the cafe Jayden and I met earlier in the week. He didn't know this but I came here often when I needed a place to write and both the office and the apartment made me too restless. A change of scenery and dose of caffeine was vital. For once, I wasn't writing for AP. I was writing a proposal for a grant. I was attempting my first freelance assignment and I hoped, it would pan out how I hoped it would, but I had to write this first. I knew there was a chance there would be another journalist out in the world who had a better idea than me and I wouldn't be considered, but for now, all I could do was try, If it worked out, it would be the first major step in my career and would be a stepping stone to bigger and better opportunities. I didn't want to just write crime briefings and reports the rest of my life. Only you would work on your day off, Amelia. You don't even give yourself a moment to breathe. Picking up my already half empty plastic cup I sipped yet another latte while I typed away furiously, transfixed in my own world of words, only stopping for a second to answer Isabel's text about tomorrow. "Everything's ready you can come whenever is best for you. Let me know what you want to do for dinner."

 

[isax]

“Do you think it’s possible for us to grab Italian? Preferably at the restaurant downtown? Love ya.” Hitting send I released a gentle sigh. Thursday I had no classes and I enjoyed it. They were typically my Day for self-care and sleep but today I needed to work on my projects. I was sitting on my balcony typing away at my computer for what felt like hours now. I needed a change in scenery so I opted to go to the Starbucks in Denton. While there, I continued working on my projects. I was transitioning scenes from my videography project then selecting and culling photos to make my final portfolio, all while listening to the Hamilton soundtrack. I hadn’t noticed I began humming the songs softly to myself since all my focus was on my projects. I was honestly ready for this project to be over and done with. Releasing a frustrated sigh, I put my head down against my keyboard and stared at the empty cup of coffee beside me. I needed more caffeine. Grabbing my phone, I texted Amelia before getting back in line. “It’s always acceptable to get another venti coffee from Starbucks, right? Perhaps one with two shots of espresso lmao.”

 

[Lexus]

“ITS DEFINITELY NOT OKAY. Skip the shots.” I texted back before finishing my own drink turning back to what I was doing. I needed to finish this before I could let myself leave. The next time I looked up to check the time it was two hours later and I was nearly finished, just had to make final edits. Being satisfied, I closed the laptop and packed it up, sliding out of the booth. I needed to leave here and go to the store to cook substantial food. The amount of times I ate out this week was embarrassing. I hadn’t had the chance to leave the cafe before I got a notification from the stupid baby development app I forgot to delete. It reminded me today would have been the first day of the second trimester. My heart sank. As much as I did my best to grieve the loss and move on, It was still a sensitive subject and always brought tears to my eyes at the thought. I had gotten these notifications before obviously, but this one punched me in the gut because making it to the second trimester meant the baby was no longer at much of a risk of being miscarried. Gaining my footing again, I went to run out of the building to my car to work through the usual cry before I could compose myself, but I ran into someone in the process. Picking my head up, I tried to hold back the tears, not looking back at whoever I ran into in the eye, not wanting them to know I was crying. “I’m sorry, excuse me,” I whispered almost helplessly, trying to politely push my way past them to the door.

 

[isax]

I was on my way to the same cafe I brought Amelia to. The reason I did wasn’t because this cafe happened to be my usual spot for a caffeine boost. I never saw Amelia come here but I hoped she enjoyed it as much as I did. It was truly the best in all of Dallas. Walking into the cafe, I was a little distraught when a woman ran into me. I knew who it was the moment she did but she didn’t recognize me. She only said she was sorry and excused herself. I was going to let her be but I didn’t like the thought of her crying. I didn’t like the thought of Amelia being so upset. “Amelia, wait!” I called out to her, walking at a rapid pace to catch up to her, gently grabbing her arm so she knew it was me. “Hey, what’s wrong?” I asked her as soft as possible, biting my lip at her tears. “We said we would help each other through this. What’s wrong? I just finished work. We can go somewhere and talk about it if you want.” I didn’t want her to be alone like this. I wasn’t sure what caused her to cry but I couldn’t let her by herself. If she was crying because of the miscarriage I wanted to help as much as I could.

 

[Lexus]

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I said in a gasping breath Feeling Jayden’s hand on my arm, I wanted to pull away in my emotional distress but I didn’t. I knew he was only trying to help. Biting my lip, I sighed when he continued to look to me in concern. I never imagined I would have a child, let alone lose one and the sorrow I felt was something unimaginable unless it was something you went through, and even though Jayden watched me go through it, it wasn’t quite the same. “It’s a stupid reason to cry now and I don’t want to take up your day. I’m fine, I promise,” I whispered, doing my best to compose myself but my face was already hot and sticky and I felt out of breath. I didn’t mean to be so dramatic but the reality of it all overwhelmed me, clenching at my gut. I still regretted going to Nick’s that day and I still regret ever telling him about the baby. Maybe it was a sign that the my thought of never being good enough to be a mother wasn’t far from the truth. I just wish this feeling would go away, I wish I could bury it and never have to feel it again, but something told me it would be awhile before I got over it.