Poetry A little piece of the heart

[AliceNWeb]

The waves wash to shore soundlessly
In and out they go, no particular rhythM
And at the bottom I rest, blissfully
There is no other place like mY place
Except only where life began
The silence breaks and I awake
Flung up to the surface I teeter and toil
Like a boat thrasHing against the sEa
Suddenly I feel the weight of my heAd
The hull cracking beneath my feet
In the great entropy of energy I'm plungeD once again
My head filled by the commotion within
As the final particle settles
It is silent once again
​

This poem is brought to you by long nights of drinking and morning hangovers. Thank you. *Takes an erratic bow*

 

[AliceNWeb]

The endless sky, on and on
I meet its gaze and move against the gravity
So long does it reach until my interest is gone
I can feel the weight, its pull
I break free time and time again
This question of mine comes to all of us in the end
Do we push on and on never a doubt?
Do we break the monotony with a single thought or a shout?
It's more than likely something between.
So I'll treasure my frays
Whip pen and spout
At the end of the day - we're just human beings.​

 

[AliceNWeb]

Dear Art,
I love you and I always will
You treat me right and leave me fulfilled
I think I'm beginning to understand
Why an artist must love misery
From the farthest shores of sand
To the highest forces of ministry
Art will never leave
Art will never hurt me
I am never alone
When I have art
For art - I wear my heart on my sleeve
Muses and geniuses to be
I cast the first and last stone
I feel it in my bones and my heart

Because you see
Unlike people, who attack
Art is a piece of the soul looking back​

 

[AliceNWeb]

Carbon Monoxide and Silence

I think one of the loneliest experiences is that of absolute silence
I think more than anything Carbon Monoxide and Silence have the most in common
You can't see, taste, or smell Carbon Monoxide
So when you ask the question, what is silence?
And attempt to answer it - to someone who's never heard it...
it's a lot like carbon monoxide...
You can't see it...
You can't smell it...
You can't taste it...
But you can definitely feel it

When you're alone it's like dropping a pebble into a hole that goes to the center of the earth
When you're alone silence plays a tune you could never replicate;
no tool,
no instrument,
no thing can ever replicate the sound of silence
But silence isn't just a sound.

It's the feeling you get at 2am when you can't sleep
It's the vibration of your core that screams for attention
It's the melancholy walk home from work
It's the soul sucking sensation you know you'll face when you're left alone with yourself
It's the life leeching lesion when all of your friends go home for the night

Most of all...

Silence is the invisible killer
of dreams
of ideas
of love​

 

[AliceNWeb]

I walk through the old broken down house that lies there until time takes it completely. Overgrowth made itself comfortable on the inside away from the harsh weather outside. The once vibrant walls are cracked and peeling with spots of mud from the days of rain that trickled down. The floorboards bent and broken, splintered and twisted.

"It's been a long time..."

Even though the house was in such poor condition I knew my way safely up the stairs, I knew where every step creaked, and knew every board that was worn long before it reached its sorry state.

Some of the greenery hung down through holes in the ceiling calling out to embrace me but I brush them aside and keep ascending the broken staircase.

I reached the top.

It felt like an eternity I stood there, almost frozen in fear and anxiety; staring at it.

Then I was reminded that it had already been 6 years that this house had stolen from me, 6 years I hadn't had the courage to face what was inside.

I bit my lip to remind me of my body and reground me, the pain helped.

It wasn't too late I could turn around and leave, and never come back.

"Do this first..."

I said to myself, reaching for the old weathered string that opened the attic's hatch.

I grasped the rope and gave it a hard tug, surprisingly it came open with little resistance - I pulled the foldable stairs down and made my way up.

With each step I could feel myself getting heavier and when I was almost inside I felt I could hardly move, could hardly breathe.

Again, to give me pain and snap me out of it, grounding myself.

I stepped into the attic it felt like the walls were all talking to me at the same time, the entire way up and now things were dead silent.

I now understood what people meant when they said that silence is deafening.

I peered down the attic towards the back - the only light from the partially overgrown window.

My body moved on its own now that the hard part was over.

The 20 foot walk seemed like a mile but I was there now, it was there with me too.

I knelt down with shaking hands and pulled an old cardboard box out from under a stack of weathered furniture.

I stared at it for a long time - so many thoughts ran through my head like why didn't anyone prepare me for this? Why didn't anyone tell me it was going to be this hard? Why was I the one that got to suffer, and why was it me that had to repair myself?

I finally opened the box.

My fingers danced along the edge of an old photo - it was me back when I was living with my grandparents. One of my best memories and that damned stuffed Tigger.

I laughed with tears streaming down my face. That went on for a long time as I looked at all the things I made the people that I thought were my parents, but they had boxed up all of my macaroni plates and art projects I made special for them and left it on the front porch without so much as a goodbye.

I still don't remember the last time I saw my real dad.

Which brought me back to the present - I wiped my eyes and took a deep breath with a strength I had been building for as long as I had avoided this house.

"Hey Jess... wow, you know it's really funny hearing that name come out of my own mouth. Everyone I know calls me Luci, or Alice now... a lot has changed and I promise it's gotten a lot better. Things are so much harder now, but we are SO much stronger now. There are days where you don't know if you're going to literally fall apart and turn to dust. There are going to be days where you're going to want to runaway and you have to fight, you have to fight with EVERYTHING you've got just to see another sunrise. Just to see her smile again. That's right... it's been a decade since we met her and we're still together; so at least one of your dreams came true."

I took a long pause, another breath, the tears wouldn't stop.

"But you are going to go through some truly tough shit... you're not going to want to get out of bed for an entire year, and you'll wonder every day why you're still here; until one day you'll realize the reason was staring you in the face all along. God... if-"

I pursed my lips and looked down clenching my fists trying to loosen the imaginary vice around my vocal cords that choked the words from my breath; attempting to silence me.

"If you could see her now... she has become so strong and she is like a beacon of light in our darkness. But she's losing strength and she needs us... but... that's a conversation for another time..."

I looked at the dirtied and weathered window that let the sun filter through.

"Another place... You don't talk to any of your old high school friends anymore, except Josh. But you guys fight like cats and dogs."

A laugh escapes me.

"He's the best friend you've got, and you've ever had. Watch yourself with him but make sure he knows you're there. He's gone through some tough shit too recently. The craziest thing though..."

I turn the photo to face me and hold it to be silhouetted by the light

"We found a family."

I smile and close my eyes before I begin to cry, slamming my fist on the floor and screaming allowing the scream to dwindle into a shaky sob. It takes me a while to collect myself again.

"Her parents, and Jen of all the random people... they really care about you and they really want the best for you. They believe in you. I know... they used to hate us but... weird how things change when people get to know us."

A moment passes and i fold the photo in half

"but that's why I'm here. Because they need us, and I need them. And I can't take the weight of our burden and our anxiety anymore. I can't feel guilty about not being here anymore. I can't go down with you and this god damn house that we built. The house we built to keep people out..."

I let out a sigh, I feel like the tears have stopped for the moment.

"So... I came here to say goodbye. I can't carry you anymore, but just know that I love you. I have to move on to a new chapter in my life and you will always be where a piece of me used to be. But I'm not you anymore. We've got people who count on us now. I have to do this for both of us so that we can be better. We'll blossom and we'll cherish the ashes we walk on but we won't be a victim anymore. We're better than this."

I pulled the small folded cardboard matchbook from my pocket, struck a match and watched it glow.

"This is goodbye, I won't let you rot here anymore. If you still need me then I'll be here. I'm your armor now and you don't need this house anymore."

After tracing the edge of the photo with the tip of the flame I let it grow before placing it in the cardboard box full of old memorabilia.

"Goodbye"

Spoiler

 

[AliceNWeb]

This is for the writers here

Your pen lights a flame across the pages you ink
You've got the ability to make busy minds stop and think
Your inner beauty fills the virtual spaces
Enough to make us read a description and see the character faces

Your continuity of spontaneity ignites all that is gold
It sparkles and shines to remind us we're never too old
To enjoy the journey of another mind
Another mind's adventure is one a kind
So keep pressing on with that novel you're putting off
Know that it's good enough to forge another page
So take a sip of your Smirnoff
And let it hemorrhage

What you don't do today, just know it's okay
Because you're all on your way - to much better days
When that voice inside you tries to take your spark away
Just know your persistence and writing is like a fine wine
Given some time, It gets better with age

Spoiler: music

 

[AliceNWeb]

I gotta get all this outta my system
My brain is just blisterin
I cannot contain all of this pain
I just turn into a plastic surgeon
Cut out my dreams I cut out my fight
but i'll be damned if i let you cut out my light
you know that it's not right
all of the guilt
all that you feel
I'm just lookin for reasons to kill
Every pill I had to take, I cannot erase
How did it come to this?
I got a life full of support, man this is shit!
When will I learn, when I learn to let it unturn
I tell you somethin real, I'm on top of this hill
I don't know if I've reached the top
and it never feels like it'll ever stop

All of my pain in
All of my pages
I'm getting impatient
Just lemme change it!
Just lemme change it!

I bite my tongue for your sake
But when will I get the chance to address
your mistake?
For my sake?
When can I let it out so I can let it go
Probably never, not till you go
I'm feelin so guilty
but you're not my fealty

...

Feel like I'm in shackles
Feel like the day I was young
Feelin so baffled
Like why did this happen to me, huh?
Why did this happen to me?
Try to explain it, tryna explain it
Why did this happen to me?

...

My depression
My depression
My depressions like a loaded gun
Watch it cock back, while I'm tryna to run
But it's useless

You can't outrun what you can't see
All you can do is stand there and let it bleed
I'm standin there leakin fluids
But it's not my blood
It's my tears gotta let the water do it
Can't talk tough so I let em do it
Watch it pierce my flesh as I fall down
Glad you're safe but what am I now?

...

Why did this happen to me, yeah
Why did this happen to me?

All the shit that I've seen
All the shit I could be
But I'm overtaken and I wish I could say I'm hella fakin

But this isn't a plug I'm tryna get up
just let me get up
just let me get up
just let me get up!​

 

[Ahmbrun]

The waves wash to shore soundlessly
In and out they go, no particular rhythM
And at the bottom I rest, blissfully
There is no other place like mY place
Except only where life began
The silence breaks and I awake
Flung up to the surface I teeter and toil
Like a boat thrasHing against the sEa
Suddenly I feel the weight of my heAd
The hull cracking beneath my feet
In the great entropy of energy I'm plungeD once again
My head filled by the commotion within
As the final particle settles
It is silent once again
​

This poem is brought to you by long nights of drinking and morning hangovers. Thank you. *Takes an erratic bow*

I liked how the capitals spell 'my head' in that.

 

[AliceNWeb]

I liked how the capitals spell 'my head' in that.

thank you