You can only hold your breath
For a certain amount of time.
Before you drown.
I have told you before.
I am drowning.
Why is it that you don't understand?
He draws near.
He comes closer.
I can feel his breath.
On my neck.
It's unnerving.
I think...
I'm drowning...
In a liquid that is not water...
I see...
Up in the oak tree.
A little bluebird.
Singing to me.
I wonder.
Why doesn't she sing a different song?
Over and over again, the same words.
I wonder.
Why doesn't she perch on a different branch?
Over and over, flying to that branch.
I wonder.
If those words define her.
If that branch...
Please...
It's a word we don't use often.
Only when we want something.
Maybe even need something.
We say 'please?' when we ask for something.
Something.
We don't say please when we want nothing.
But I do.
I want nothing.
I don't want anything.
I want there to be nothing.
And I beg him.
Please...
I had a dream.
About a dream.
An unconscious thought
about my greatest wish.
I dreamt.
Dad woke me up.
I wanted to kill him.
For disturbing the dream.
In my dream...
I was being....
held.
I was being....
loved.
I was being....
cared about.
and I was....
home.
The thing is...
I was dreaming...
If I struggle...
Against my restraints...
Would my warden come?
Would there be a sly smile...
on his face?
I had this impossible thought.
Would he set me free?
I'm a marionette.
A puppet.
He can make dance.
He pulls the strings,
I have to dance.
He can't pull the strings and make me sing.
I...
I try to write poetry.
All that comes out.
Of my dirty mouth.
Is pain.
The rain.
Coming from my eyes.
Every single night.
I want to fall in love.
And rise high above.
In peace.
I've fallen.
In love?
I don't think so.
I'm falling.
Drowning.
Somehow always going down.
Why can't I go up... I just...
I can't run to the place.
I can't get up on the stage.
Most actors...
They put on a mask on the stage, taking it off in real life.
I always have a mask on.
One that hides my problems, struggles, dreams.
I take it off only to sing.
Only to dance.
Only while I'm on the stage.
There is, however...
You tried to control me, you tried to defy me, you won’t get away with it this time.
To many lies, too many tries, to get away from the life I once knew.
That life was too peaceful, uneventful and happy.
It’s all romance, love. Sappy.
Nothing.
To something.
This life is chaotic, full of...
I got up onto the stage silently, looking out on all the faces, the eyes locked on me. I looked down on the printed passage my dad had given me. I lifted the piece of paper he had given me, and looked at the messy handwriting on the page behind it. I took the printed one, wadded it up in a ball...
I was looking at him in a weird way. He stared back at me, but confusion was the only thing I saw in his eyes. I looked away, disappointed.
“J-A-N-I-C-E?” He signed. I shot him a ‘Please forgive me’ look. Even though he was mute and couldn’t say the three words, I still considered him a...