Advice/Help Does this read like a horror?

[cheeseburger90210]

Planet Black Post 7++

Lillis and Freecell stand in the center of a big white room. The walls are made of white brick, the floor is made of white Vinyl Sheet Flooring products: and there are bright, eight inch long, white neon lights along the edges of the room next to the bottom of the walls. Behind them in a windowless white metal door with a copper white handle on it. In front of them is another door looking like the one behind them. Lillis walks over to the other door in front of them, and slowly opens it, and looks back at Freecell, who was still wondering if someone is after her for being with Lillis? Was Lillis wanted dead by some unknown paranormal violent active force? If so, what was it?

'What is after you,' Freecell asked?

'I thought, maybe whatever it is, you would know? I thought this was your doing? Something wants us...' (small pause) 'Dead, or so it appears,' Lillis said.

Freecell walks to the doorway slowly wondering if she should just run away, almost afraid of Lillis? The floor and the stairwell is cemented up nine floors, all painted white, with white neon lights along the white cement walls. Stair, steps, are typically eight (7) inches high. Ten feet is a good estimate for the height of a white underground tunnel building apartment flooring. So going up one floor requires about 21 white cement steps.

'Nine floors, apartment one hundred fourteen. Do you think, you can do that,' Lillis asked looking upwards throughout the center of the white stairwell?

Freecell starts walking up the steps, and Lillis follows up the stairs with her, just a few steps behind Freecell. They stop on the third floor, and Freecell takes the Nintendo VR box from Lillis, taking a turn to hold the red and white box. Freecell leads again, walking up to the fourth floor, with Lillis right behind her as they go upward. As they start to make it to the fourth floor: Freecell vanishes right in front of Lillis. Lillis is afraid that something took Freecell. Freecell looks back to see Lillis gone, and she looks around, and then down the center of the stairwell to discover she is on another floor. Lillis looks up and spots Freecell on the sixth floor: Freecell is looking down in shock wondering what happened to her. Lillis starts to run up the steps, and suddenly appears behind Freecell. As Freecell is now with Lillis, suddenly, there is a white glowing light at the bottom of the stairwell. Just then, a loud roar of a lion can be heard inside the stairwell.

'What the (deleted content) was that,' Lillis asked?

Lillis and Freecell look downwards to spot a white glowing lion at the bottom of the white steps. The lion glows white, and is white too with black eyes, with a white tail with white bone spikes on the end, and each foot has long white claws. The lion has long white sharp teeth, and along the back of the lion, there are massive white wings, with long white features.

'Look, a white glowing lion,' Lillis said shocked at what she has spotted.

Lillis points downward, wondering how they had traveled from the fourth floor stairwell, to the sixth floor stairwell. Freecell is filled with fear, her face turns white, and her body starts to shiver as if it was cold. Freecell knows if they do not escape, and if this lion catches them, they would both be killed.

'Run, go now, get to the apartment,' Freecell said.

Lillis takes Freecell by the hand as the glowing white lion starts running up the stairwell, and they run together upwards on the steps. As they run together the lion gains on them, faster and faster, upwards and onwords, faster and faster: breathing heavier and heavier as they run. On the nineth floor, the lion reaches the bottom of the nineth floor steps. Lillis places her hand on the big blue pad along the white wall, and unlocks the big white windowless metal door with a white handle as the the lion is almost there. The white lion jumps forward, and is now very close to them. Freecell tosses the Nintendo VR box into the face of the lion, who stops to investigate the red and white cardboard box, and claws at it. Lillis grabs Freecell, and pulls her into the dark cold apartment quickly, and within a few seconds, the lion stops glowing and vanished away as the door shuts closed, and locks.

 

[nerdy tangents]

So there are two major problems I see right off the bat.

1. Your over explaining action which kills the momentum of the scene. Imagine it like a scene in a TV show where they just zoom in on random parts of the room for several seconds at a time. Is it really important that we know how many cement steps it takes to go up one floor? No it's not.

2. If the lion is white and everything around it is also white. You do not see the lion.


I would shorten it to something like this :

Lillis and Freecell are trapped in abandoned building. Everywhere they look is white, not a speck of dust or a hint of color to be found. It makes something inside them shiver in unease. They start moving up the stairs, desperate to find an escape. As they move the sense of unease grows until one of them disappears. Lillis freaks out, desperately trying to see where Freecell has gone.

She eventually finds her friend several stories above her. She tries to run to greet her but her body vanishes. She finds herself next to her friend, stumbling a bit at the abrupt change in location. Now both girls are freaking out. Something unnatural is going on. Something is taking over their bodies, moving them around like puppets. Suddenly they hear a roar at the bottom of the stairwell. They look down and see nothing at first, although they get the feeling of some unseen force staring them down. They panic, grabbing each others hands and racing towards the stop of the stairwell.

At the top of the stairs they see their first bit of color, a big blue pad in the wall near a door. Lillis places her hand on the pad as they hear some invisible creature racing up the stairs behind them. They finally get the door open, desperately throwing a Nintendo VR Box behind them to hopefully distract the creature. They slam the door shut behind them and watch as it locks.

** You can add bits of dialogue as appropriate since I don't really know the context for the scene. **

 

[cheeseburger90210]

Planet Black Post 9++

Freecell and Locks stand next to eachother in the center of, this well lighted, place called Yellow Square. There are five different subway trains that stop here at this large dirty over populated station. The big pink trash cans are full, and there is trash all over the floor. There are always about three thousand people inside this large subway station at any given time, coming and going, getting off and on trains all hours of the 95 hour periods they call a day: in this underground reality. There is alot of different kinds trash along the yellow tile floor, with its yellow marble walls. There are two Japanese food places to eat on each end of the station, and there are vending machines along the yellow western wall. Locks stands there eating an oatmeal cookie with white chocolate chips watching as passengers pass her by.

'I need to catch the next train after this, then take that train north, then get off, and switch trains,' Freecell said while looking at Locks as she finished eating the oatmeal cookie.

They stand there until, the train they need pulls up and stops. The train they need is covered in an almost kelly paint (sometimes called, leaf green) with different gang tages spray painted over that green paint in different colors and languages. They quickly run over and step inside the cart with the doors closing behind them. The cart itself had its chairs along its inner walls removed, and there is a silver poll in the center of the kelly green cart that is filled with many passengers, and it is hard to move around freely inside the packed cart. Suddenly there is a bright light at one end of the cart, and the light is almost blinding.

'This is not the train we was on, and this is not the time? I do not understand? Do we not need to get on the train, I was on with Lillis,' Freecell asked loud enough for Locks to hear, over the other passengers, who have started yelling in a panic?

'I can not make it out, whatever it is. I am recording to review later,' Locks said while recording on her new red and white I-NintendoWeb 33, (smart phone) and in a few seconds, she is just able to see other passenger in the cart are taking pictures and recording too.

The yelling quickly becomes loud screaming sounds: Freecell can hear what sounds like fast and quick chopping sound between the different people screaming, and calling out for help. Within a few minutes the sound of screaming becomes less and less high volume screams as the people next to them get tighter and tighter: passengers trying to move as a collective away from the light. Freecell's face turns blue, and her heart races as she becomes filled with fear. Freecell looks at Locks for a second and spots she is shivering with fear while standing next to her. A few seconds later the light goes away, but the people are still in a panic inside the cart. Finaly, Locks can see what is happnening over the shoulders of the people pressed in front of her with her camera feature. There is what looks like a strange mans body, tall and strong looking, wearing a red cotton milk man uniform, with the head of some kindof pig-man, who swings a massive chopping machete. The pig-man and the machete are covered in blood, as it chops and kills everyone next to it.

The pig-man slices the heads of the passengers as it moves along leaving a wake of murder, and death as it moves toward the other end of the now bloody cart. A few seconds later there is what sounds like, three shots, of a Smith & Wesson Classics Model 25 45 (Long) Colt 6.5in Blued Revolver. Three seconds later the pig-man falls over backwards, onto the blood covered floor of the cart, as the train pulls into the next station. As the train comes to a stop: Freecell and Locks are pushed out onto the platform of the next station, as the other passengers still alive, all run out the doorways of the cart. Locks pulls Freecell over to the window as they move outwards, and as she is still filming: records the dead shot up laying on the floor pig-man, and all the headless dead people still bleeding out on the floor of the cart. People do not get on the train but record the inside of the cart from its doors with their cell devices.

'Well, that was new,' Freecell said, with a look of shock, her face still blue looking, as her heart still races, as Locks posts her video to Blackbook. (Blackbook is a video social media service, like Youtube or Tiktok, but only on the Planet Black that has a 20 bucks a month membership)

'We are still no closer to understanding what is happening and why this is happening. THIS IS REALY (content deleted) UP,' Locks said still shivering looking while into Freecell's eyes!

 

[nerdy tangents]

So I think it might help you to read some horror books to get a feel for how to set up suspense. As that is what your posts lack, partially do to over explaining.

You don’t need to take the time to explain the type of gun, the type of camera, etc. It feels like product placement in the middle of an action scene.

If I am watching a horror movie and they take the time to center the label of a Pepsi can that kills the suspense. Because I don’t need to know that the characters are drinking Pepsi when they are running for their lives or whatever.

Now I personally don’t write horror which is why I would recommend checking out a horror book from the library.

As I can only give you basic pacing help, I can’t really help you increase tension or help you write a horror scene.

I would say having some examples to look at and trying to replicate them will go a long way to improve your writing overall.

It’s how I improved my own writing, by reading a lot of books (or even fanfic, if ya want a free option). It lets you get a feel for how to construction things to illicit a specific feeling from your audience.