Story Writings of the Anonymous

[Fate.]

As it reads from the thread title, these are writings from anonymous writer(s).
Now open to writings. If you wish to have a piece here, please feel free to message me.

#1​

It's hard to stay strong when you are the support for others. At the bottom, no one can hold you up. So what happens when the bottom begins to fall? Will there be a net? Perhaps another support can come in from the sidelines? But if there's no one around then do they fall?

I often am the shoulder to cry on or the audience eager to listen. Words usually don't come out of my mouth for they come out awkwardly, incorrectly, or simply weak. My attention is what makes my worth. People confide in me their secrets, worries, and griefs yet only a few ever really ask how I feel. But even those few only ever ask the question and if I respond with the surface lie of, "I'm okay." then they do not proceed to dig deeper. No one does. And perhaps nobody ever will.

But that's okay. I'm used to it.

Cause after all. I'm just the support.​

 

[Fate.]

#2​

Once again IT appeared. I am exasperated at this point wanting to understand why.

Why oh why will IT not leave my heart or mind. I don't even think about IT anymore. I don't even need IT anymore. I don't want IT anymore. Yet, IT seems to think not.

At this point it is considerable that perhaps it is my conscience that is going insane. Some part of me, perhaps the true part of me, is signalling something.

But what?

That IT thinks about me? Perhaps remembers about me? Or even mentions my name in a sudden conversation? The answer does not seem to be coming anytime soon and it frustrates me because I need a reason to anything my mind throws at me. This being the only thing that has been bothering me for years now. This being the longest ever question in running for my life. This being the long brooding struggle in my heart. There are many things that have come and go but this one has come to stay. And it is vigorous.

I don't want it to fight hard. I don't know why it is pursuing such an unfavorable chase. I don't understand this feeling at this point. Nothing concerning IT at this point makes any sense. To think that much was going on inside my deep conscience, unknown to me.

Now I have no clue as to what my mind is trying to comprehend or say at this moment but that I probably love IT. What kind of love? I wish I knew myself.​

 

[Fate.]

#3​

I'm so restless. I'm so restless. I'm so restless. I'm so restless. I'm so restless. I'm so restless. I'm so restless. I don't know what to do.

Why am I feeling so anxious?
What do I want?

Every day I proceed through a series of activities yet feel complacent in the end.

What more can I do?

What am I supposed to do with this life?
I desire many things but never act on them. Why? This brings about so much inhibition.
​

 

[Fate.]

#4​

Observe, retain, then test. Observe, retain, then test. Observe, retain, then test. It's a routine that I have grown familiar with. Repeating it for over 12 years now. And now I am reaching my endpoint.

Despite nearly fulfilling the requirements, a major flaw is evident. Forgotten.

The material is memorized for a certain amount of time till a benchmark comes. Then it comes spilling out in the forms of circles and letters. Afterwards a number dictates your ability and incompetence to broadcast what? That you are excellent in remembering facts or incapable of memorizing information?

Shame.

And it is due to this pattern that now I seek freedom. Unfortunately it will not be for another year which adds on to my lack of motivation. I have no desire to start onto the continuous pattern. But I must if I wish to be free.​

 

[Fate.]

#5​

Do I help you?
Is our friendship one that benefits you?

But, I don't think I could stand being a hindrance in any regaurd
I don't know why
But it's a compulsion at this point to question myself at every turn

It's so infuriating

I'm dependent on others to explain our relationship to me
Because I got it in my head that I'm annoying and a bother. I'm childish and shitty and my only good qualities can be found in spades in others.
I forget my virtues and remember vices I don't even have
How is it that I'm aware of this problem yet lack the wherewithal to subvert it

It's infuriating

I enter these chats second guessing everything I say, as if I'm skating on an ocean of thin ice
I talk to my friends in fear that I'll always say the wrong thing
Or that I need to justify why I'm worth spending time with

Why,
I don't know
I just do

It's infuriating

But I hate talking about this right
I hate forcing the role of therapist on another
I'm afraid they'll think less of me
I don't want you to think less of me
I want you to see me as an equal
But how can I do that when I can't even function properly

It's infuriating

I dunno

It's hard

It's hard to keep up appearances
I don't want people to think I'm weak, or that I'm undependable
I want to be useful to someone because I can't be useful to myself
But I feel like crumbling sometimes
The tower of Babel falls

It's so hard

It's so infuriating that I just can't solve this problem myself
It's so infuriating to have to wonder what others think
It's infuriating to have to watch my step at any moment
And it's infuriating that I lock myself away
I close out the world by choice

It's infuriating.

Did my mad ramblings drive you away?
I wouldn't be surprised if it did​

 

[Fate.]

#6​

I know I'm not living and it frustrates me. So many things around me constantly remind me that I should be doing more with my life. But it's hard to do things alone and unmotivated. Sure I could probably pick myself up and do the activity head-on but then it'd only be something I'd done. And I want much more than that.

Every memory you make usually involves someone other than you. Happy ones, sad ones, angry ones, guilty ones, etc. Even if it may appear that it was a memory by yourself, there was someone there to evoke it. A song that someones sing, an item someone gave, an audience watching your performance. There was always someone there.

Even in the loneliest of memories, no doubt was there someone in the mind.

We humans are social creatures. Some may desire to be alone, but at some point interaction livens us. And through interaction we learn, grow, and cherish.

So with no companion around to move me to take on things I dream of or would never have the courage to take on, I find it hard to live and make memories.

It may be selfish of me to wait until someone comes my way, but after years of trying to find and hold onto someone...I've grown tired and hopeless. All previous friendships wither away faster than I would have liked them to, the other person simply ceases communication as if our previous times together were nothing. I try to say something back but no response. It's broken me to pursue new relationships in fear that they would simply bloom and wither like any beautiful flower does.

This constant cycle drives me to madness, yet I hate myself for not trying to do anything. Will there be someone out there to pull me out? Or what do I need to do to change?​

 

[Fate.]

#7​

What do you want?

One.

One?

Yes, someone.
I want someone who will bring the better half out of me. Constantly I keep thinking of my selfish, dark side. People often call me this or that. But I know who I truly am. I'm not a great friend. I hardly take commitment seriously. And I run away from any opportunity I can take. Yet I want someone to come to me? Without me making the effort? Huh, seems very hypocritical of me. And very selfish.

But then I look back to previous relationships I've had. I've been the one to try and approach people. I was the one who tried being nice. I tried to keep people connected. But for what?

They all simply slipped away.

I looked desperate, hungry for social interaction.

That was all in the past. Now I simply live for myself. Which for some time was fine. But in the background there was always that yearning. Yearning for a friend. It didn't help that friends and group of friends were always hanging around in the background. People smiling, laughing, horsing around. Everyone seemed so alive and happy. While I kept my eyes to the ground and walked on. Forward on my path to advance.

Now I'm reaching that point and I realize when I look down the path how lonely it's been. I could've had some lights or colors along the way. Instead it's emptiness. No memories to share, nor any friends to brag about. It's only been me.

I shouldn't have looked back now when I am so close to reaching my goal. Now I'm feeling desperation. My attention is moving away from the goal to elsewhere. I'm feeling restless.

I.
I.
I.

It's the only thing I can think about because I have nothing else to think about. No one else to think about.

And this is driving me insane.

I want someone else to consider, to share my love with. I want someone to look forward to and who understands me. I want someone who will bring a new, better side of me. One that will nicely surprise everybody. I want someone who will support me when I need it and push me when I can use it.

I just want someone.

That one who everyone claims to be a soulmate.​

 

[Fate.]

#8​

I know what I want in life. I want to bring happiness to people. Why? Perhaps because the world seems to be cruel to others, and I want to show that there can be some brightness to it. That and that is one way I find my happiness.

Whether I have to crack horrible puns or write poorly timed jokes or speak in the weirdest voices. Sometimes all it even takes is to check on someone else. Let them know you are thinking about them. Yet I do this often, and it usually remains one-sided. Do others think of me? If so, why not reach out to me? I want to hear from you just as much as you want to hear from me. Or am I being too optimistic?

It is understandable that there are things that happen in life and we become consumed by it. But enduring it alone is difficult. So reach out. Find those that will want to hear you and you do the same.

Becoming consumed by anxiousness and overwhelming sadness is exhausting. There are times where I find it difficult to even see what is around me. I've become enclosed by this wall of self-doubt and regret. Swimming in dark waters, what if I had been swimming in circles the whole time only to now notice that there is no shore nearby?

For the longest time, I have told myself that I am strong in mind. But with current circumstances, I can truly see now that I have only been covering the cracks. With nothing occupying my attention, I have begun noticing the flaws and they grow bigger the closer I look. Seeing the breaks I have frightened me. My mind's slowly fallen into this abyss.

There are things that distract me from time to time and in those moments I feel the me that I was for the longest time. The one I miss. The one that had its head held high, looking away from the shadow that has flaws.

I know that me will not return. Some part of me will, but I will never entirely be the same. For now, all I can do is struggle and endure. As many of us are probably doing right now.

My thoughts have been flying everywhere, so it is no surprise if this prose has reflected it. The only thing I can say now to not only myself but to others, whether they will ingest it or not, fight on. I know I need to. And I hope you see it too.​