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Other "Why won't anyone roleplay with me?"

DisneyGirl

mermaid princess ♡
Or, "Why do I keep getting ghosted? Should I quit roleplaying? Is it just not for me? Is there something wrong with me?" Etc.

I keep seeing a lot of ya'll getting discouraged and, heck, a lot of times I get discouraged while RP partner searching too. It's frustrating to plan out a roleplay, get all excited for it, maybe even finally start writing with somebody...and then have it not work out. I get it. I feel your pain.

Now, I know this is not what you want to hear, but here's the truth: finding a good roleplay partner (or even just a good roleplay) takes time. For everyone. I can only speak from my experience. I've been roleplaying for 14 years. I've been an active member of RPN since January 2015. In that time, I've planned roleplays with just slightly over 200 people here. 211 if I counted correctly. Do you want to know how many of those 1x1 roleplay partners I ended up writing with for more than just a few posts before one of us or both of us dropped out? Around 20ish. How many of them lasted longer than a month or so? Exactly 7. In my 4 years of roleplaying on RPN, I have had 7 RP partners that ended up sticking with me longer than a couple of months. I only have two active roleplays with two of them right now.

"Dang, that sounds depressing," you might think. But if you think about it, that's how it is with everything in life. How many people have you met in your lifetime that ended up being your friends? How many jobs do people apply to before they end up working at a handful of places during their lifetime?

Now here's the good news: you only really need a handful or less of people to roleplay with. The cool thing about the roleplay partners that I've met through RPN is that we share the same 1x1 interests and we've become really good friends. Some of them are my best friends. That means that we can have multiple roleplays together, without having to go through the search again.

"But I just want to roleplay now!"

So do I. Finding someone who's willing to reply to your search thread and do a little bit of plotting and maybe posting is usually easy but finding a quality roleplay partner is a totally different thing altogether. It's like dating in that way. Thanks to dating apps, you can find any cute person to go on a date with you, but finding someone really special is gonna take work and it's not realistic to expect to find them on the first couple of dates. But, you will find them eventually and it'll be worth it. Trust me.

Now. There are some important things to consider that might be hurting your chances of finding partners:


- If you're mean/controlling/intimidating, or something similar to that, then that might be why you're having problems. If you're not good at collaborating or too demanding, that's definitely going to destroy any potential roleplays you have.

- It's important to be able to express yourself clearly. English may not be your first language and/or maybe you struggle with grammar and spelling, and that's okay. Nobody's perfect. But it is important that others are able to understand you, otherwise they can't write with you.

- Pursue and only pursue those with the same interests/style as you. If you're into anime roleplays with quick daily replies, then contact other people who like anime roleplays with quick daily replies. Most likely someone who likes anime but detailed writing or someone who likes quick replies but not anime isn't going to be interested in roleplaying with you. It doesn't make you a bad person or them a bad person. You're just not compatible. I write detailed and romantic modern roleplays. If I tried to roleplay with the medieval fantasy crowd or the daily replies crowd, I would never find a roleplay partner. You gotta find your tribe.

- Last but not least, be patient. Assume people are gonna ghost you and be ready to move on. Grieve and rant about it for sure, but the show must go on. If it gets to be too much, try sticking with the few partners you have. If having the luck of finding 7 roleplay partners out of 200 sounds like too much for you, maybe roleplaying is not for you and that's okay.

I went through a lot of roleplay partners in these past four years. I got ghosted. I lost friends. I got my heart broken and I got angry. Roleplaying really is time-consuming and can take a lot out of you. Writing a story with somebody is a bond like no other. But going through 200 was worth it all to find those 7.

Keep searching guys <3
 
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Onmyoji

HanGuang-Jun
Moderator
Supporter
Well said.
And the statistics of finding rp partners will hopefully help people who get discouraged by ghosting. It does take time and sometimes a lot of time. But it's totally worth it when you find those "7 rp partners".
 

Idea

The Pun Tyrant The Gif Hydra
Helper
First of all

Captura de Ecrã (217).png

(Generally I recommend only coloring the text if you are also coloring the background)

Second

umaru crying.gif

This was beautiful. Thank you for sharing this simple truth so many miss, and doing so in such a moving way!
 

DisneyGirl

mermaid princess ♡
First of all

View attachment 535766

(Generally I recommend only coloring the text if you are also coloring the background)

Second

View attachment 535767

This was beautiful. Thank you for sharing this simple truth so many miss, and doing so in such a moving way!
Lol oops. Thanks for alerting me, friend. I'll fix it.

And to everyone one else, thank you. I'm glad my post is able to help someone relax and realize they're not alone <3
 

FoolsErin

Gee, it's swell to finally meet her OTHER FRIENDS!
I mainly do group roleplays where this is less of a problem, but I do love me a good inspirational speech, and you certainly hit it out of the park!
 

rae2nerdy

Ultra Nerdy
"I am planning for this to be a short term roleplay that would run for about half year or so."
Has someone actually said that to you? Because I would be curious on what they thought a normal roleplay consisted of. The kind that lasts maybe a week or two max.
 
Has someone actually said that to you? Because I would be curious on what they thought a normal roleplay consisted of. The kind that lasts maybe a week or two max.
Yep. To be fair, they were simply asking for an rp with an ending. Sadly we never got there and to this day I have never seen an online rp conclude.
 

Aerorah

Voidwalker
Everything in this post is so true. I've only ever had like 2 roleplays that lasted a long while. The first one of those, I started in 2015 with someone. Went on for most of that year until life got in the way and I had to stop. Then like a year or so later, I came back and picked it back up. Then the person just drifted away. That's how it is.
The second one just lasted for about a year. Then poof
 

silvercharizard

New Member
I needed this right now to be honest. I've been looking for a partner for 2 months now and while I've definitely found a few they've all left via ghosting me. Its honestly really discouraging but I'm going to keep looking every now and then because...well you never know. I have one person where I wonder why they ghosted because we seemed to get along so well I could see us being best friends pretty easily....I haven't heard from them in a month and a half. They just vanished off the face of the earth and honestly I'm still bummed about it.
 

ashwynne

|aquatic authority | ✎ art: peritwinkle
Supporter
This, this, this! I've been roleplaying about 10-11 years and this has been my experience too. For mental health reasons I used to ghost occasionally, but having found a small amount of people that I trusted and loved writing with, it was never for very long. Even when life got too busy or stressful for us to be actively roleplaying, a lot of the friends I made would still stay in contact and we'd just act as friends instead of writing partners. Finding people you're compatible with to write alongside is such a treasure... it's worth all the missed shots.

Being frustrated at being ghosted is also totally understandable, but for people who get frustrated I think it's important to remember that sometimes ghosting is the only option that feels available to people. In my case at least, when my anxiety would get really severe I'd feel like I had no choice but to retreat from absolutely everything. Even if I loved my partners and the stories we were writing, it would feel like the only way out. It wasn't rational but that is the nature of mental illness. Writing is an escape and I'd be willing to bet that a lot of the time when a partner abandons ship further along in a roleplay it has to do with mental health challenges (or sudden difficulties of some nature IRL) both of which deserve a bit of grace, imo.

And I mean... really, at the end of the day, it's always helped me (because I get ghosted alllll the time) to just think of it as an easy way to weed out people who aren't going to be compatible partners for me. Regardless of their reasons, if they feel the need to ghost me then I'd prefer that over them feeling obligated to stick around when they aren't enjoying what we're doing or don't feel able to continue.
 

JadeGreen17

Chimeric Spirit
As somebody who is both sick and tired of putting a defibrillator to dying RPs but has recently finished an RP with a good partner which took place over the past 14 months, involved over 250,000 words and 1500 messages between us, I can say this is all very true. It's all about finding someone you resonate with. Considering when we started off said RP I had every expectation it was going to sputter and die very quickly.
 

scorpiodragon

Four Thousand Club
To be honest I do not role play anymore. Not a lot of people want to play with someone in their 30s I have found. I find people prefer those teenagers which I am not comfortable with or 18-20 something year olds. So I think I might just be too old and got too late into the game, but even when I was RPing in my late 20s, I never had much luck with RPing.

Any role plays I join die quickly or if I do manage to get an RP going, people drop out after a while without warning which pisses me off and discourages me.

I rarely come on here anymore, unless it is to comment on Wert's drawings or post my own sucky improvement of drawings in my drawing thread...occasionally the general section.

I either get ghosted, nobody responds after asking if they wish to RP/someone 'accepts me' and then never gets back with a link to the RP itself (especially if it is offline through email) or I get involved somehow with freaks and have to drop out due to being uncomfortable. Heh or nobody likes how I RP...I RP gore, violence and am very detailed in what I write about, that is how I write and I don't know any other way to write.
 

DisneyGirl

mermaid princess ♡
@scorpiodragon

Have people told you they don't prefer you because of your age? While I admit the RPN demographic---and a lot of the roleplaying community in general is on the younger side---there's still a good amount of folks in their 30s and even 40s out there who roleplay often. It may be harder to find people, but not totally impossible.
 

silvercharizard

New Member
To be honest I do not role play anymore. Not a lot of people want to play with someone in their 30s I have found. I find people prefer those teenagers which I am not comfortable with or 18-20 something year olds. So I think I might just be too old and got too late into the game, but even when I was RPing in my late 20s, I never had much luck with RPing.

Any role plays I join die quickly or if I do manage to get an RP going, people drop out after a while without warning which pisses me off and discourages me.

I rarely come on here anymore, unless it is to comment on Wert's drawings or post my own sucky improvement of drawings in my drawing thread...occasionally the general section.

I either get ghosted, nobody responds after asking if they wish to RP/someone 'accepts me' and then never gets back with a link to the RP itself (especially if it is offline through email) or I get involved somehow with freaks and have to drop out due to being uncomfortable. Heh or nobody likes how I RP...I RP gore, violence and am very detailed in what I write about, that is how I write and I don't know any other way to write.
Really? Huh. I wouldn't think age really matters. I mean i guess it depends on the person I suppose but I guess I'm one of the weird ones that doesnt really care about age. I write slightly darker themes (with the exception of smut which I won't touch with a 10 foot pole lol) myself so I really ask that my partner be mentally mature more then anything lol
 

rae2nerdy

Ultra Nerdy
To be honest I do not role play anymore. Not a lot of people want to play with someone in their 30s I have found. I find people prefer those teenagers which I am not comfortable with or 18-20 something year olds. So I think I might just be too old and got too late into the game, but even when I was RPing in my late 20s, I never had much luck with RPing.

Any role plays I join die quickly or if I do manage to get an RP going, people drop out after a while without warning which pisses me off and discourages me.

I rarely come on here anymore, unless it is to comment on Wert's drawings or post my own sucky improvement of drawings in my drawing thread...occasionally the general section.

I either get ghosted, nobody responds after asking if they wish to RP/someone 'accepts me' and then never gets back with a link to the RP itself (especially if it is offline through email) or I get involved somehow with freaks and have to drop out due to being uncomfortable. Heh or nobody likes how I RP...I RP gore, violence and am very detailed in what I write about, that is how I write and I don't know any other way to write.
I don’t think your problem is age to be honest. Most of those issues are things all every ages face. We all get ghosted. We all have run ins with people who like to push boundaries. And most people have a niche that other people don’t like in some way.

It’s the grass is always greener mentality that kills people. They think everyone else must have it so much better than them because of XYX that they give up trying. But roleplaying is a hobby that requires you to be patient and internally motivated.
 

Dutch

Ta Reine
Not a lot of people want to play with someone in their 30s I have found.
I'm in my thirties too and my age isn't much of a factor. I will admit I am like you and I want to RP with people who are closer to my age, because lets face it sometimes it gets awkward RP with someone who is 10 - 13 years younger than you, and not so much the RPing as the OOC chatting where you start to feel your age! Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut there are places, maybe not RPN so much, where the members are older making it easier to find a partner your own age.

but even when I was RPing in my late 20s, I never had much luck with RPing.
I can admit I sometimes look back 10 years with real thick rose colored glasses. I've actually gone back to my old stomping grounds and I realize the frequency in which I RP'd verse spent time searching for an RP is exactly the same as now. It basically I spend almost all my time looking for just the right kinda partner, than I do actually RPing.

It's been 3 years since I had the best RP partner of the last decade . . . and I have spent 3 years since searching. Most of my RP's are short lived, partners come and go, and nothings really been all that grand . . . but that is pretty par for what my old experiences were too, I can recall every successful RP (1/1 and group) I've ever done and between most of them are years of mediocre roleplaying that all blends together!

But I feel ya it can ware on you specially when you're REALLY in the mood to roleplay and no one is really hitting all your high points. It's frustrating thinking what you really want is so simple, but somehow NO ONE seems to be able to have it all. Yet you know deep down you've had it all, you've had great partners, it is possible . . . but like never when you want it most! >D

Someone said grass is greener, and I agree it really is.
 

Flowiest-D

The Flowiest on site
Cough, someone Also said all you need to do is shower before you look for a rp partner and dammit I think I’m right.
I have at least... one roleplay active and I shower somewhat regularly

Facts.
 

M.J. Saulnier

Dark Lord of the Gif
I have been role playing almost as long, and I can tell you all that it is the people, not the story, or the GM.

People lack any form of professionalism when it comes to writing and story telling. That's not what you wanted to hear, but it is very much an absolute fact. People treat commitments, well, like they aren't commitments at all. I understand that things will happen, and it's just RP; Lives come first. But people will get excited, join your RP, and then ghost out like a phantom because interest dwindled, or their character wasn't the center of the universe. Most players have absolutely no professionalism or capacity to work as part of a team. Being in a team doesn't always mean you get full say over every aspect of what your characters gets to do, where they go, how they die. I miss the days when Game Masters knew what they were doing, had a plan, and enforced, because it is their story and no one forced you to join. We used to trust that person to oversee the telling of the story they created. Now everyone wants a crack at the wheel.

I love controlling GMs, because I know this is going to be a real, cohesive story. It won't be several people aimlessly splashing around shallow water until it burns out within a few weeks. Give me material, give me options, challenge me, force my hand now and then. That's the essence of rpg gaming, and what makes us grow as writers and creators. And honestly, 6-8 randos floating around a sandbox is not something I find appealing or fun at my age, and given how my creative tastes have grown over the years. There is nothing worse than floater RPs where every meaningless moment is dragged out by directionless over-posting. This is why you get ghosted, rofl. I'm so sorry, but it's so true.

I've always made my own RPs, joined very few that were created by others. I think I joined 2 RPs in my lifetime. The only time I ever had problems with recruitment is since arriving here, a rusty, beat up old shell of a writer. Few of my pitches had a good response, but they were the kinds of stories that contained a certain amount of structure. I knew where they were going, and that turns people off. Because if they can't do whatever they want, whenever they want, they throw an internal hissy fit over their expressive and artistic rights. "How dare that tyrannical scumbag tell me what's going to happen now and then in their own story! I don't have to stand for this. I quit!" It's like please, you whiny primadonna, save the theatrics for your career in Hollywood.

Can you imagine playing a DnD campaign and stopping the Master mid-introduction. "No no! Snow doesn't suit my character. We're going to be in a dry, hot desert region."

You'd end up playing at home, by yourself, because no one would tolerate that level of self-centered shenanigans. Writing isn't always about total freedom and control. That's the lazy, cheap way out in terms of RP. No one is suggesting voices can't be heard and impact the process, that's been going on since the dawn of play by post. I swear society began subscribing to one extreme or the other, giving no consideration to middle ground.
 
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