Experiences Why do people ghost so easily on RPN?

[Jannah]

I totally feel you on that one! It's so weird! I seem like I have really good chemistry with a person, we get a real nice story going, then boom! Bye bye for a month, turns into two months, turns into three months and well- you probably know the story. Ghosted!

I feel this. My partner and I spent awhile planning out a story and we seemed to have good chemistry, but then the partner abruptly left our PM's after only the third or fourth post. Maybe I said something in the RP post that offended them? Idk, but it was super weird.

 

[Edric Blight]

I feel this. My partner and I spent awhile planning out a story and we seemed to have good chemistry, but then the partner abruptly left our PM's after only the second post. Maybe I said something in the RP post that offended them? Idk, but it was super weird.

Happens to me a lot. I totally feel ya. I always make sure I know my partner's boundaries so I highly doubt I ever offend them with any of my posts. But like after the second or fourth post, I get real into it and invest my time in typing up a response, and them boom- ghosted. Really sucks and honestly really hurts.

 

[nerdy tangents]

If I may offer some advice?

1. Once again ghosting is not a personal attack against you. I think that’s the biggest thing you have to let go of.

You aren’t being excluded because the popular kids don’t like you. This isn’t a teen movie and you aren’t the nerdy protagonist.

That might sound harsh but it’s by far the most toxic mentality people have about ghosting. That they are getting left out because people don’t like them. That is NEVER true. It is a lie your anxiety and insecurity is telling you. Period.

2. Being online doesn’t mean you are available. I roleplay entirely with adults (not due to a particular rule but because adults are who happen to be interested in my plots). So if you see someone is physically online but isn’t talking to you specifically. You aren’t being ignored maybe they just want to decompress without talking to about/posting in a roleplay.

2b. Before you assume you have been ghosted also maybe check to see if the person is online at all. Cuz sometimes IRL happens. I have had partners get COVID, be hospitalized, have a death in the family, lose their jobs, get different jobs, have their computer break, etc. stuff that means they don’t get online for weeks to months at a time. Or if they are it’s usually just shit posting.

And that’s my final bit of advice rather then have the internal monologue be “you abandoned me because I’m not good enough,”

Change it to “oh hey I hope my partner is okay.”

Cuz even if the actual ghosting doesn’t change your outlook will and you will be happier for it.

 

[Syntra]

If I may offer some advice?

1. Once again ghosting is not a personal attack against you. I think that’s the biggest thing you have to let go of.

You aren’t being excluded because the popular kids don’t like you. This isn’t a teen movie and you aren’t the nerdy protagonist.

That might sound harsh but it’s by far the most toxic mentality people have about ghosting. That they are getting left out because people don’t like them. That is NEVER true. It is a lie your anxiety and insecurity is telling you. Period.

2. Being online doesn’t mean you are available. I roleplay entirely with adults (not due to a particular rule but because adults are who happen to be interested in my plots). So if you see someone is physically online but isn’t talking to you specifically. You aren’t being ignored maybe they just want to decompress without talking to about/posting in a roleplay.

2b. Before you assume you have been ghosted also maybe check to see if the person is online at all. Cuz sometimes IRL happens. I have had partners get COVID, be hospitalized, have a death in the family, lose their jobs, get different jobs, have their computer break, etc. stuff that means they don’t get online for weeks to months at a time. Or if they are it’s usually just shit posting.

And that’s my final bit of advice rather then have the internal monologue be “you abandoned me because I’m not good enough,”

Change it to “oh hey I hope my partner is okay.”

Cuz even if the actual ghosting doesn’t change your outlook will and you will be happier for it.

A lot of great points here. To add to this, I personally don't get serious about a roleplay until I've written with that person for a while. Statistically, you're going to be ghosted, so it's best to start with the assumption that it's going to happen. No, it usually isn't personal, and in case it is... well, worrying about it will improve nothing for you, anyway. You can only change your mindset, not other people.

 

[nerdy tangents]

Syntra thats also a good point. Even in the worst case scenario (your partner hates you and thinks your dumb) then worrying about it doesn’t change anything.

If someone doesn’t like you then they don’t like you. Telling them your feelings are hurt isn’t gonna change that because they don’t care about your feelings in the first place.

So that’s why people always say “don’t take it personally” because nothing is ever changed when you do. It just means your miserable for no reason because you convince yourself everyone else is having fun without you.

I get it I have anxiety (very generalized thank god) and sometimes I get those intrusive thoughts myself. I will have those moments where I think “oh no what if they’re talking about me behind my back, what if they think I’m rude/dumb/whatever.”

But I have learned that those thoughts aren’t helpful and I let them go. I replace them with different thoughts until the anxiety fades.

 

[Edric Blight]

Lol my awful social anxiety makes it hard to take that advice.

 

[nerdy tangents]

Lol my awful social anxiety makes it hard to take that advice.

Lol I personally found mantras to be helpful in therapy. Especially in non physical situations (make me talk to someone face to face and I still kinda shut down unless I do a bit of scripting in my head.)

So just whenever you start to have intrusive thoughts just tell yourself ::

“My partner is not mad at me, it’s all in my head.” Or ya know whatever words to that affect that are helpful to you.

 

[Edric Blight]

Lol I personally found mantras to be helpful in therapy. Especially in non physical situations (make me talk to someone face to face and I still kinda shut down unless I do a bit of scripting in my head.)

So just whenever you start to have intrusive thoughts just tell yourself ::

“My partner is not mad at me, it’s all in my head.” Or ya know whatever words to that affect that are helpful to you.

Thank you

It's just weird for me coming on to here and seeing ghosting kinda be the norm and the culture on RPN. I'm someone who takes stuff very personal so it certainly helps.

 

[nerdy tangents]

Thank you

It's just weird for me coming on to here and seeing ghosting kinda be the norm and the culture on RPN. I'm someone who takes stuff very personal so it certainly helps.

In fairness this site is skewing older (which makes since as people started as teens are obviously in their twenties or later now)

And if your a busy adult then you have a lot more things taking up your time. Moreover your partners are equally busy. Every one of my roleplay ends because of time constraints.

So it’s easy to look at ghosting differently when you understand “oh hey I get busy and so does my partner” and don’t default to “oh I am new and doing things wrong.”

It’s really an experience thing. But until you get settled the mantras can help.

 

[Edric Blight]

In fairness this site is skewing older (which makes since as people started as teens are obviously in their twenties or later now)

And if your a busy adult then you have a lot more things taking up your time. Moreover your partners are equally busy. Every one of my roleplay ends because of time constraints.

So it’s easy to look at ghosting differently when you understand “oh hey I get busy and so does my partner” and don’t default to “oh I am new and doing things wrong.”

It’s really an experience thing. But until you get settled the mantras can help.

Yea it's definitely an adjustment. As a newbie to the site I always think it's something I'm doing wrong and my awful social anxiety and depression does not help my case at all. I seem to always think the worst.

 

[nerdy tangents]

Yea it's definitely an adjustment. As a newbie to the site I always think it's something I'm doing wrong and my awful social anxiety and depression does not help my case at all. I seem to always think the worst.

I find redirection helps with that, once you find yourself obsessing over replies just take a step back from the site.

I found reading helps a lot for two reasons ;
1. It can help you relax and keep your mind off your worries.
2. It helps improve your writing which will help you feel more confident in your own skills.

If reading isn’t your thing then other distractions work (take a walk, watch a tv show, listen to music, etc).

The key is not to let the intrusive thoughts get a hold of you. Once that happens you will just spiral in negative self talk.

I find even really brief moments of taking a break (maybe just listen to a song or two) can be very helpful, as it gets your mind to redirect out of negativity.

Mind those are just things that work for me, I would obviously talk to a professional if you can about your triggers. Even if it seems silly they are their to help you manage your anxiety and depression.

The most rewarding therapy session I ever had (the one that led to a massive breakthrough) legit started with me just recapping the plot of a romance novel I had read where a character had a panic attack. It was a silly thing but it really helped me to talk it out with someone and find healthy coping mechanism that I use over a decade later.

 

[Jannah]

If I may offer some advice?

1. Once again ghosting is not a personal attack against you. I think that’s the biggest thing you have to let go of.

You aren’t being excluded because the popular kids don’t like you. This isn’t a teen movie and you aren’t the nerdy protagonist.

That might sound harsh but it’s by far the most toxic mentality people have about ghosting. That they are getting left out because people don’t like them. That is NEVER true. It is a lie your anxiety and insecurity is telling you. Period.

2. Being online doesn’t mean you are available. I roleplay entirely with adults (not due to a particular rule but because adults are who happen to be interested in my plots). So if you see someone is physically online but isn’t talking to you specifically. You aren’t being ignored maybe they just want to decompress without talking to about/posting in a roleplay.

2b. Before you assume you have been ghosted also maybe check to see if the person is online at all. Cuz sometimes IRL happens. I have had partners get COVID, be hospitalized, have a death in the family, lose their jobs, get different jobs, have their computer break, etc. stuff that means they don’t get online for weeks to months at a time. Or if they are it’s usually just shit posting.

And that’s my final bit of advice rather then have the internal monologue be “you abandoned me because I’m not good enough,”

Change it to “oh hey I hope my partner is okay.”

Cuz even if the actual ghosting doesn’t change your outlook will and you will be happier for it.

While, yes, this is true anxiety can often convince a person otherwise; our own brains are our worst enemies.

Also, in my particular case the person was online so I get the impression that for whatever reason they just didn't want to write with me specifically.

 

[Edric Blight]

While, yes, this is true anxiety can often convince a person otherwise; our own brains are our worst enemies.

Also, in my particular case the person was online so I get the impression that for whatever reason they just didn't want to write with me specifically.

Same here. While yea my brain certainly doesn't do much to help me in that aspect, I do sometimes check in on my partner to see if they like left any little message on their profile announcing they might be a little bit busy (because I know some people on here do that, myself included) but then I see them online all the time. Gives me the impression they just don't wanna write with me. I totally agree with you there Jannah

 

[Jannah]

Same here. While yea my brain certainly doesn't do much to help me in that aspect, I do sometimes check in on my partner to see if they like left any little message on their profile announcing they might be a little bit busy (because I know some people on here do that, myself included) but then I see them online all the time. Gives me the impression they just don't wanna write with me. I totally agree with you there Jannah

Exactly. You understand. Oftentimes they will even go seeking new partners after ghosting you.

 

[Edric Blight]

Exactly. You understand. Oftentimes they will even go seeking new partners after ghosting you.

Exactly! Like listen, I get if you don't wanna RP with me, but TELL ME. Don't abandon me, I'm a human not your toy, ya know? And I don't wanna be clingy as hell so I sometimes only send them one polite message wondering if the still wanna continue the RP, then get ignored. It hurts.

 

[Jannah]

Exactly! Like listen, I get if you don't wanna RP with me, but TELL ME. Don't abandon me, I'm a human not your toy, ya know? And I don't wanna be clingy as hell so I sometimes only send them one polite message wondering if the still wanna continue the RP, then get ignored. It hurts.

Hell, even if they were brutally honest about not liking my writing style or something I'd still like to know rather than simply being left in the dark.

 

[Edric Blight]

Hell, even if they were brutally honest about not liking my writing style or something I'd still like to know rather than simply being left in the dark.

Yea I'd literally rather be cursed out and insulted than abandoned. It hurts more to be abandoned. I 10000% agree with you so much. Plus, if it's something wrong with my writing style: TELL ME so I can LEARN from this! Doesn't mean we have to continue the RP.

 

[nerdy tangents]

While, yes, this is true anxiety can often convince a person otherwise; our own brains are our worst enemies.

Also, in my particular case the person was online so I get the impression that for whatever reason they just didn't want to write with me specifically.

Once again that is an assumption you are making without any evidence outside your own insecurities. My mom does this constantly. God forbid her coworkers talk to each other because they must be bad mouthing her.

Unless the persons entire conversation is public and they flat out call you an annoying bitch then chances are it really isn’t personal.

You will get “abandoned”. Not out of malice or because your a bad person. But because literally every single person on this site does. It’s like maybe 1 out of every 7 requests that last more then a post or two.

And we can’t all be unlikable bad writers because then why would anyone be on this site?

 

[Syntra]

Yea I'd literally rather be cursed out and insulted than abandoned. It hurts more to be abandoned. I 10000% agree with you so much. Plus, if it's something wrong with my writing style: TELL ME so I can LEARN from this! Doesn't mean we have to continue the RP.

Tbh, this is a very dramatic language. "Abandoned"? By a random internet person who found out you weren't so compatible after all? Unless you've been friends for months at least, this isn't an appropriate reaction to have. I am not insulting you, either; I'm just pointing out it's unhealthy to obsess over something like that to such an extent. If I were you, I'd do some soul-searching as to why this bothers you so much.

 

[InnerlichTot]

Exactly! Like listen, I get if you don't wanna RP with me, but TELL ME. Don't abandon me, I'm a human not your toy, ya know? And I don't wanna be clingy as hell so I sometimes only send them one polite message wondering if the still wanna continue the RP, then get ignored. It hurts.

As Syntra mentioned, "abandoned" is too strong of a term. As they mentioned, you can't really be "abandoned" by a person you don't know much about other than a few similar interests, which must've sparked the roleplay.

Regardless, ghosting happens to everyone, and while it may sound cliché, you'll learn to get used to it eventually. Aside from happening to everyone, it can happen anywhere. Even offsite, such as on Discord, the planning phase can be concluded, and once a single response was sent, it seems like the person lost interest. You can consider yourself lucky if it goes more than a response or a simple greeting before they poof.

 

[Gary Sue]

While there isn't a specific post on here I want to quote or reply to after having read the entire discussion, I just want to say that ghosting is... a nuisance? But it's omni-present. Even if you find the most niche of niche things to talk about, hang out for and roleplay over, that literally once in a lifetime chance, people will ghost for whatever reason. Most of the time, it's either because they requested on a whim and don't want to mention it, or something serious might have actually happened. Ghosting wore me out of looking for partners in the past and I hope it doesn't now, cause I need my 'venting space' to escape and just kick back, relax and roleplay instead.

If it gets too much for you though, there's not much positive I can say other than; change your outlook, as nerdy tangents said. I also love it when somebody, rather than ghosting me, tells me they lost interest and if anything, ghosting made me appreciate people communicating properly and being straightforward with me as a trait in general. Few people are really going to do that though. On the topic of invasive and negative thoughts in general, best thing you can do is learn the pattern of such thoughts and when you realize you're going through them, take a step back mentally and pause. You don't need to torment yourself any, and you will definitely help yourself out by not stressing over something your own brain has blown out of proportion. The negative thoughts are always the strongest ones, and the most memorable ones. That doesn't have to mean you need to give in to them though.

Keep your chins up and power through it, if I could do it, you definitely can!

 

[Natasha4E]

I just read a bit through the topic about what makes you angry in a role play. And now I understand a bit better why people ghost.
Some people get upset over nothing. Over little stuff. Over every single thing that is not to their liking. Over things that have nothing to do with them.
If I'd had partners, blow up over nothing a few times, I'd not take the chance anymore, and I'd just ghost when something felt wrong, instead of trying to communicate about it. This is a hobby after all. Why make things difficult for yourself?

 

[nerdy tangents]

Also it’s okay to get your feelings hurt by people leaving as long as you don’t take it personally.

My mom has anger management issues (not to an abusive extent but she struggles with regulating her emotions). And it can get exhausting when she is overly emotional and shouting at everything from Hulu to me.

I know logically that it’s not personal (she literally screamed at the television for fifteen minutes for not playing her favorite television show) but it doesn’t mean being yelled at is fun. It definitely hurts my feelings.

But you have to learn to deal with it in a way that doesn’t take away your own quality of life. My mom has a mental disorder that means she will never be able to regulate her emotions. She is just not capable of it.

So much like ghosting this is just a part of my life I have to learn to deal with. And yes it’s hard, and I won’t lie I spent plenty an evening crying in my room due to stress.

But I just learn to tell myself this isn’t personal, she isn’t angry at me she is just emotional and she can’t help lashing out.

And I know it can sound dismissive (especially when your in the cry alone in your room stage of a situation) but it truly does get better when you learn to stop taking it personally.

And hey if you sometimes need to cry alone in your room in frustration or stress that’s okay too. As long as it’s not a daily thing (you should probably talk to a professional in that case) it’s okay to be upset about things that hurt your feelings.

 

[Natasha4E]

Nerdy Tangents that sounds difficult. I know from experience that parents with anger management issues can cause life long damage in the children. I admire your ability to deal with it. I hope you have nice people to support you.

 

[nerdy tangents]

Nerdy Tangents that sounds difficult. I know from experience that parents with anger management issues can cause life long damage in the children. I admire your ability to deal with it. I hope you have nice people to support you.

It’s not a targeted thing really. Like I said she will scream at the television for buffering just as easily as scream at me. It’s usually “whatever is in my direct line of sight” so I just spend my time in my room and only really hang out with her during meal times. It means we don’t have much in the way of quality time together but we manage to co-exist peacefully. It’s kinda lonely at times but I am an introvert by nature so I can amuse myself in my own space and she hangs out with the dogs.