Experiences Why do people ghost so easily on RPN?

[Edric Blight]

Hi there. I'm assuming this is the right place to post this, so if it isn't please tell me and direct me to the appropriate place to post something like this. With that out of the way, let me get to the main point of this post which you may have already guessed by the title.

So, I'm pretty new to roleplaying in general (I've been doing it for about 2 years) and very new to RPN the site (joined in early February of 2022). I'd like to think I have enough experience though, and I know for a fact my grammar is good (I've been around the top of my class when it came to English back in high school) so it's not a matter of me being unbearable or hard to talk to. Are people turned off by inexperience? I often find myself getting super into the plotting process with someone, and it seems like we are both totally down to start something, and then boom, I'm ghosted out of nowhere. Sometimes it happens even before we actually start the roleplay itself, and sometimes it happens like right in the beginning of the rp. Also another disclaimer, I NEVER do one-liners, so that couldn't be a reason for the sudden ghosting. So, why is it when it seems both parties (me and my partner) are both clearly hyped to get started and clearly invested in the roleplay do I get ghosted out of nowhere? Does this happen to any of you or do I just have bad luck? Do people think they're like superior to me because they have more experience and don't feel I deserve their time just because I'm a relative newbie? I don't know what it is to be honest. I'm always polite and I love plotting, brainstorming, and helping out my partner so we can have an enjoyable experience. But sadly I find that I have a hard time finding a stable roleplaying partner. Sometimes a partner will go as far as to leave the Private Message unannounced and I'll only later discover that their name is crossed out and they left, sometimes in the middle of plotting! Listen, I get ghosting, but for the love of God, why don't people let you know when they are going to totally ghost you? I'd much rather have you tell me that you aren't into what ever we are doing than just leaving me ignored and ghosting me for eternity. I know this has now turned into a rant, but I was hoping to get some of your guy’s input on the matter. Does this happen to anyone else or am I just unlucky or doing something wrong? And yes, I understand people being busy, but I have definitely ran into people who straight up ghosted me yet continue to be active on the site and such.

I also want to stress that I have met a few great people who I have some good roleplays going on with, so if they somehow see this post, then know this isn't directed at you guys haha. In fact, this post isn't direct towards anyone or a group of people specifically. I'm just hoping that maybe I could get some answers from the community. Well if you actually read all of this, thank you for doing so haha.

 

[Malphaestus]

There are no rhymes, no reasons for most ghosts. It is merely circumstances fluttering, their consequence being their vanishing. The simple answer, is that it is easy to vanish, and hard to confront. Simpler to avoid, than to interact. And though, no doubt, there be hundreds of reasons as for why, they do not matter: what matters is that ghosting will never stop, and it is a majority of what will happen. We endure it, because we adore to write.

 

[Edric Blight]

There are no rhymes, no reasons for most ghosts. It is merely circumstances fluttering, their consequence being their vanishing. The simple answer, is that it is easy to vanish, and hard to confront. Simpler to avoid, than to interact. And though, no doubt, there be hundreds of reasons as for why, they do not matter: what matters is that ghosting will never stop, and it is a majority of what will happen. We endure it, because we adore to write.

Honestly, beautifully worded and philosophical haha. But yea I guess you're right, it is much easier to avoid confrontation especially when given anonymity over the internet and being able to hide behind a screen. It's unfortunate but I guess I'm learning the hard way how things work on this site. And your last statement is totally true, haha, I wouldn't still be here if I didn't love to write and roleplay.

 

[Malphaestus]

Honestly, beautifully worded and philosophical haha. But yea I guess you're right, it is much easier to avoid confrontation especially when given anonymity over the internet and being able to hide behind a screen. It's unfortunate but I guess I'm learning the hard way how things work on this site. And your last statement is totally true, haha, I wouldn't still be here if I didn't love to write and roleplay.

You will find that ghosting is not exclusive to any one place.

 

[Edric Blight]

You will find that ghosting is not exclusive to any one place.

Good point, but I do notice it happens quite a lot specifically here, at least for me.

 

[Onmyoji]

And it's not just "this site", the same happens in every single roleplaying community in every language.
That's just some kind of default feature of this hobby and the sooner you accept that no matter what you do it will happen, the happier you'll feel when it actually doesn't happen

 

[Edric Blight]

And it's not just "this site", the same happens in every single roleplaying community in every language.
That's just some kind of default feature of this hobby and the sooner you accept that no matter what you do it will happen, the happier you'll feel when it actually doesn't happen

Sorry, I should have reworded. My apologies I didn't mean to insult this site or anything, as obviously its not the fault of the site or the people who manage it that people ghost. I did not mean to offend with my words, so I really am sorry if I did haha.

But yea, you're right it does make it all the more satisfying when you finally do find that partner and that special roleplay.

 

[Malphaestus]

An apology speaks most for yourself, than it does unto others.

 

[Onmyoji]

Sorry, I should have reworded. My apologies I didn't mean to insult this site or anything, as obviously its not the fault of the site or the people who manage it that people ghost. I did not mean to offend with my words, so I really am sorry if I did haha.

But yea, you're right it does make it all the more satisfying when you finally do find that partner and that special roleplay.

Oh no, there is no need to apologize! I didn't mean to word it that harsh either ^^ I was mostly trying to say that it's a very common thing, doesn't matter where you are and what you're doing.
And in most cases you're not even the issue why people leave. Usually it's just lack of time, lack of motivation, some other idea taking priority... you know, all these external factors you can't really control.
And that's something that you just have to accept and move on. Do what you do best, have fun when you can, but if a rp suddenly is ghosted, it's just how it happens, no need to beat yourself up for it!

 

[Edric Blight]

Oh no, there is no need to apologize! I didn't mean to word it that harsh either ^^ I was mostly trying to say that it's a very common thing, doesn't matter where you are and what you're doing.
And in most cases you're not even the issue why people leave. Usually it's just lack of time, lack of motivation, some other idea taking priority... you know, all these external factors you can't really control.
And that's something that you just have to accept and move on. Do what you do best, have fun when you can, but if a rp suddenly is ghosted, it's just how it happens, no need to beat yourself up for it!

Ok good hah! Thank you so much for your input and response too! Yea you're right, just for a new guy like me who isn't used to this kinda stuff, sometimes it hurts a bit being ghosted unexpectedly when you think everything is all set and in place to go really well. I appreciate your kind words, they've definitely helped me to deal with this kind of stuff.

 

[Onmyoji]

Ok good hah! Thank you so much for your input and response too! Yea you're right, just for a new guy like me who isn't used to this kinda stuff, sometimes it hurts a bit being ghosted unexpectedly when you think everything is all set and in place to go really well. I appreciate your kind words, they've definitely helped me to deal with this kind of stuff.

I'm glad it helped!

Sometimes it may feel that long-lasting roleplays are like unicorns. People claim they exist but you've never seen one. And when you think you found it then turns into a ghost.
But they exist Just keep looking!

 

[nerdy tangents]

I think part of it is that the majority of roleplayers are in their late teens to early thirties. So most people who roleplay have extremely busy schedules that vary a lot.

I can’t tell you how many roleplays get put on hiatus because someone got sick, someone lost a job, someone had to go back to school, etc.

So the point is it’s not personal. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with this is a hobby populated by adults with busy schedules.

 

[Luscinioide]

Ghosting is sort of just part of the process. Think of it in terms of job applications: employers will leave you hanging all the time and we've come to accept that's normal. Annoying, yes. But personal or otherwise meant to harm, no. Things come up, people forget, or are just shy.

The further you get in your RP career, the less of a shit you'll give. I'm ten years in and I don't care at all if it happens. My brain probably doesn't even acknowledge it anymore LOL. Just don't invest heavily into a new RP until you're a good bit in and you'll be okay. If you don't put all your eggs in one basket, you can shrug ghosting off like it's nothing. Always try to be understanding of what the other person might be going through, because it's almost never malicious.

 

[Jannah]

Ghosting is sort of just part of the process. Think of it in terms of job applications: employers will leave you hanging all the time and we've come to accept that's normal. Annoying, yes. But personal or otherwise meant to harm, no. Things come up, people forget, or are just shy.

The further you get in your RP career, the less of a shit you'll give. I'm ten years in and I don't care at all if it happens. My brain probably doesn't even acknowledge it anymore LOL. Just don't invest heavily into a new RP until you're a good bit in and you'll be okay. If you don't put all your eggs in one basket, you can shrug ghosting off like it's nothing. Always try to be understanding of what the other person might be going through, because it's almost never malicious.

I just really hate when I get super invested in a RP idea, get the first few posts written up, and then my partner just vanishes. This has happened far too many times to count. I mean, it's one thing to have a partner ghost in a RP you were not super invested in anyway, but when they ghost after spending days working out details and things then, yea, it can be an annoyance.

 

[Idea]

As others have been pointing out, yeah, ghosting and more generally speaking RPs just dying very early on is just a part of the hobby. Rather than trying to avoid it, learning to cope with it is more important, I find. Because one way or another, you may be able to reduce the frequency but it's going to happen and keep happening. It's probably not your fault either- But there are a variety of reasons why people will simply be unable to continue. So in the end of the day you have to find a strategy that works for you and makes this worth it anyways, and if one can't... well, that may be a sign it's no the hobby for you. Personally, I strive to make the best I can out of my characters, plots, worlds, individual posts etc... So that I may look back at them with pride and feel they weren't just a waste of time, but something with value in of itself.

I want to touch on something I find important on why ghosting, specifically tends to happen. This is mostly from my experience, but you'll find a large part of RPN suffers from some kind of anxiety or depression, and even if they don't they are likely to not quite be the most prone to socializing IRL. That is to say that a large portion of the site has a huge amount of difficulty confronting other people at all, let alone if they feel they are the ones who are going to do something that may not be taken well or which simply may upset the other person or even just be wrong in some way. More often the not the cause of why the person no longer wants to roleplay may be something IRL, or a loss of motivation, or another such reason but if the person gets trapped mentally about what to say they may end up unable to say anything.

Now this is naturally something I can really only speculate about, but I do believe this is if not the reason then a major part of the reason why ghosting is so common. That a lot of people ae just prone to the kind of behavior where they are too afraid to do something confrontational like telling you they are leaving, and end up doing whatever doesn't involve direct confrontation about it.

 

[Edric Blight]

I just really hate when I get super invested in a RP idea, get the first few posts written up, and then my partner just vanishes. This has happened far too many times to count. I mean, it's one thing to have a partner ghost in a RP you were not super invested in anyway, but when they ghost after spending days working out details and things then, yea, it can be an annoyance.

Exactly! That's what I'm saying! Very frustrating that they just leave you hanging and don't even tell you.

 

[Luscinioide]

I just really hate when I get super invested in a RP idea, get the first few posts written up, and then my partner just vanishes. This has happened far too many times to count. I mean, it's one thing to have a partner ghost in a RP you were not super invested in anyway, but when they ghost after spending days working out details and things then, yea, it can be an annoyance

I won't do anything more than basic world building and plotting necessary for the introduction part for this reason. I don't invest at all until I have a solid month or two of commitment. Sometimes I'll make exceptions if the OOC vibe are good and we move to discord, but otherwise the new partner gets the bare minimum until the chances of them ghosting are basically null. Can't get burned if you haven't put much in. It sounds cold buuuut it's efficient

 

[Jannah]

I won't do anything more than basic world building and plotting necessary for the introduction part for this reason. I don't invest at all until I have a solid month or two of commitment. Sometimes I'll make exceptions if the OOC vibe are good and we move to discord, but otherwise the new partner gets the bare minimum until the chances of them ghosting are basically null. Can't get burned if you haven't put much in. It sounds cold buuuut it's efficient

Yep, I'm the same. This is one reason why I often stick to realistic settings too. Less need for worldbuilding.

 

[Edric Blight]

Yep, I'm the same. This is one reason why I often stick to realistic settings too. Less need for worldbuilding.

Same here, I find that I'm more of a fan of realistic settings.

 

[Edric Blight]

I think part of it is that the majority of roleplayers are in their late teens to early thirties. So most people who roleplay have extremely busy schedules that vary a lot.

I can’t tell you how many roleplays get put on hiatus because someone got sick, someone lost a job, someone had to go back to school, etc.

So the point is it’s not personal. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with this is a hobby populated by adults with busy schedules.

I appreciate your input here. I want to say you're right but sometimes it just sucks when it happens. I tend to take things personally (which is a personality flaw of mine) so it's nice to know that it's often not personal and a result of people just getting plain busy.

 

[nerdy tangents]

I appreciate your input here. I want to say you're right but sometimes it just sucks when it happens. I tend to take things personally (which is a personality flaw of mine) so it's nice to know that it's often not personal and a result of people just getting plain busy.

So I used to work at a library for fifteen years, I ended up getting fired because my manager didn’t like me.

But one of the best things I ever learned in my time as a librarian was to not take things personally. It’s a job where you have to deal a lot with the public and people can be real assholes to service professionals.

I vividly remember sitting at my desk and crying because some lady was screaming at me about print job she had gotten wrong. She felt like she shouldn’t have to pay for it but that wasn’t our policy. So here I am being screamed at for something that isn’t my fault and I can’t change.

And yeah at the moment it sucked. I was embarrassed and stressed and just wanted the lady to leave.

But the next day my boss was like, you did the best you could. You stuck to policy and if it happens again just get one of the managers to talk to them.

I tell you this because I think sometimes when we first start out doing something it’s easy to assume it’s all our fault when things go wrong. But in the end it’s usually nothing to do with you personally and everything to do with chance.

The woman in the story did not scream at me for an hour just because she had to pay like five dollars for some colored papers. She was obviously in a shitty mood already and I was just the unlucky person who had to deal with it.

Now I hope your roleplay partners are never that aggressive (I would block them if they are) but the core idea is just recognize you did your best and people leaving isn’t your fault.

There is nothing you can do differently that is gonna stop them from catching COVID or their computer from breaking or them from losing their job. All those things are entirely outside your control (hell it’s outside your partners control some of the time as well).


Also related to my story I would set up a “ghost policy”. In my case I usually wait three days for a reply. If I don’t get one I send out a check in :

“hey are you feeling okay?”

I then wait another three days before putting the roleplay on hiatus. This is because most of my partners fully admit their schedules are all over the place and they might disappear for a bit.

I usually start looking for a new roleplay once the current one goes on hiatus. With the idea that I might need to adjust my schedule if one of the hiatus roleplays comes back.

I usually leave roleplays on hiatus for about a month then delete them to clean up my inbox.

But that part is up to you.

I find that having this policy helps me keep from getting too bored or upset when things don’t work out. Because I know what to do and I have taken steps to address the problem from my end.

 

[Edric Blight]

So I used to work at a library for fifteen years, I ended up getting fired because my manager didn’t like me.

But one of the best things I ever learned in my time as a librarian was to not take things personally. It’s a job where you have to deal a lot with the public and people can be real assholes to service professionals.

I vividly remember sitting at my desk and crying because some lady was screaming at me about print job she had gotten wrong. She felt like she shouldn’t have to pay for it but that wasn’t our policy. So here I am being screamed at for something that isn’t my fault and I can’t change.

And yeah at the moment it sucked. I was embarrassed and stressed and just wanted the lady to leave.

But the next day my boss was like, you did the best you could. You stuck to policy and if it happens again just get one of the managers to talk to them.

I tell you this because I think sometimes when we first start out doing something it’s easy to assume it’s all our fault when things go wrong. But in the end it’s usually nothing to do with you personally and everything to do with chance.

The woman in the story did not scream at me for an hour just because she had to pay like five dollars for some colored papers. She was obviously in a shitty mood already and I was just the unlucky person who had to deal with it.

Now I hope your roleplay partners are never that aggressive (I would block them if they are) but the core idea is just recognize you did your best and people leaving isn’t your fault.

There is nothing you can do differently that is gonna stop them from catching COVID or their computer from breaking or them from losing their job. All those things are entirely outside your control (hell it’s outside your partners control some of the time as well).


Also related to my story I would set up a “ghost policy”. In my case I usually wait three days for a reply. If I don’t get one I send out a check in :

“hey are you feeling okay?”

I then wait another three days before putting the roleplay on hiatus. This is because most of my partners fully admit their schedules are all over the place and they might disappear for a bit.

I usually start looking for a new roleplay once the current one goes on hiatus. With the idea that I might need to adjust my schedule if one of the hiatus roleplays comes back.

I usually leave roleplays on hiatus for about a month then delete them to clean up my inbox.

But that part is up to you.

I find that having this policy helps me keep from getting too bored or upset when things don’t work out. Because I know what to do and I have taken steps to address the problem from my end.

Wow, I appreciate your input and personal experience. Honestly, I might go thru and send a little check-in message, since I usually don't because 1, I don't wanna pester them and 2, when I do send check-in messages, I find that they are usually ignored. Anyways, I might go thru and try it, but I appreciate your response. Sorry about everything you had to go through.

 

[Edric Blight]

As others have been pointing out, yeah, ghosting and more generally speaking RPs just dying very early on is just a part of the hobby. Rather than trying to avoid it, learning to cope with it is more important, I find. Because one way or another, you may be able to reduce the frequency but it's going to happen and keep happening. It's probably not your fault either- But there are a variety of reasons why people will simply be unable to continue. So in the end of the day you have to find a strategy that works for you and makes this worth it anyways, and if one can't... well, that may be a sign it's no the hobby for you. Personally, I strive to make the best I can out of my characters, plots, worlds, individual posts etc... So that I may look back at them with pride and feel they weren't just a waste of time, but something with value in of itself.

I want to touch on something I find important on why ghosting, specifically tends to happen. This is mostly from my experience, but you'll find a large part of RPN suffers from some kind of anxiety or depression, and even if they don't they are likely to not quite be the most prone to socializing IRL. That is to say that a large portion of the site has a huge amount of difficulty confronting other people at all, let alone if they feel they are the ones who are going to do something that may not be taken well or which simply may upset the other person or even just be wrong in some way. More often the not the cause of why the person no longer wants to roleplay may be something IRL, or a loss of motivation, or another such reason but if the person gets trapped mentally about what to say they may end up unable to say anything.

Now this is naturally something I can really only speculate about, but I do believe this is if not the reason then a major part of the reason why ghosting is so common. That a lot of people ae just prone to the kind of behavior where they are too afraid to do something confrontational like telling you they are leaving, and end up doing whatever doesn't involve direct confrontation about it.

Yea you bring up a lot of good points. I guess it is all just a part of the game haha.

 

[Jannah]

Same here, I find that I'm more of a fan of realistic settings.

Realistic settings often just work better for the type of stories I like to write anyway. I'm a very character driven writer who enjoys exploring character emotions, growth, etc. I feel it's easier to get down into the nitty gritty of those details in a story with a plot that is not too far removed from anything in real life. Ironically enough, though, I don't like most slice of life stuff. I go for either historical settings or modern settings, but in either of those there needs to be more to the story than just regular every day interactions in order to keep me interested.

To remain on topic, though, I'll say this. When it comes to ghosting I usually wait about a week unless my partner just leaves all threads outright. I think a week is pretty generous for either a IC or OOC interaction.

 

[Edric Blight]

Realistic settings often just work better for the type of stories I like to write anyway. I'm a very character driven writer who enjoys exploring character emotions, growth, etc. I feel it's easier to get down into the nitty gritty of those details in a story with a plot that is not too far removed from anything in real life. Ironically enough, though, I don't like most slice of life stuff. I go for either historical settings or modern settings, but in either of those there needs to be more to the story than just regular every day interactions in order to keep me interested.

To remain on topic, though, I'll say this. When it comes to ghosting I usually wait about a week unless my partner just leaves all threads outright. I think a week is pretty generous for either a IC or OOC interaction.

Totally. I completely agree with that. Love that type of roleplaying. I find it much more easier, and more importantly, more enjoyable to write that way. And don't worry about staying on topic haha, I'm not a stickler for that on my few posts.

Also yea, I've waited up to like 2 weeks for some partners that have ghosted me lol. I may or may not go back and check on them, as a gentle reminder and see if they are still there and possibly still up for the rp.