Journal Whispers in the Void

[bastion]

You are welcome to reply and interact with me through this thread or PM.​

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I've done this whole public journaling thing before, hell I'm technically doing it on Twitter currently, but it never seems to really help me. I think that's because I'm seeking some interaction out of it. I don't know if I just want to feel seen or find people who relate or what. Anyway, here I am trying it out once again to see if I find any catharsis in this new forum.

Now on to the actual journal...​

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Right now I'm feeling unmoored from time. Makes sense, given I've been taking clonazepam daily for a few months now, just to run out due to me not staying on top of my appointments and meds. So now I've been without it for about a week, and apparently a symptom of withdrawal from it is short-term memory fuckery. Also headaches. Nausea. Chills.

Anyway, just had therapy and finally brought up the long list of things I'm struggling with. Most of it was just getting it on the record, honestly, but did get some help with the meds situation and advice on handling appointments. My therapist sent an email to the scheduling person asking her to call me to make an appointment with my prescriber. Hopefully that will happen tomorrow, because if not I'll have to make the call and initiating it is the hardest part. My therapist also suggested I sign release forms for all my doctors allowing my partner access to my medical information, and more importantly, the ability to schedule appointments for me. Now I just need to get myself to actually do it...

There's more I planned to talk about but I'm just... so tired. Gonna go chill with my partner.

 

[bastion]

Wanna hear some real bullshit?

Had an appointment yesterday with my obgyn for a regular checkup as well as to touch base on the irregular bleeding I've been having for years now. (Actually, basically since I got my first period, thinking about it.) Birth control used to be enough to regulate it when I was young, but that hasn't been working. I'm now taking thyroid medication as well and it's still not enough.

So I've been on the birth control and thyroid medication for at least a year now and it hasn't worked, so she asks me what I want to try next. I answer her honestly. I want my uterus removed.

And this bitch? She has the gall to say no one will take me seriously. She's supposed to be taking me seriously!

I tell her I don't care, I want it out. I'm transgender and besides I don't want kids. That gets her actually listening, a little I guess. She explains the can be health risks with removing the uterus, which okay, why didn't you say that instead of telling me no one will take me seriously?

Worse yet, while trying to talk me around to other options, she says "even transgender people want kids"! After I already said I don't want kids!

So I have to explain to her that no, I won't be having bio kids. I've got too much stuff I could pass on. I don't see why I should do that, when I could just adopt or foster if I do decide I want to raise a child.

I'm just so frustrated. My ability to beat children should not be the big factor in this decision. Yes, it's something to address to confirm I understand I won't be able to. But do not decide that I'll want to beat a come some day! That is not the goal for every person with a fucking uterus!

I already feel like my body doesn't belong to me. Now I'm being told that my ability to bear children is more important than my desires?

Anyway, gonna take my therapist's advice and find a new obgyn because if I don't I won't be seeing one ever again. Like hell I'm gonna continue letting someone who dismisses my decisions to keep overseeing my health.

 

[Out Of Words]

find a new obgyn

This. A thousand times, this. I sufffered for a couple of years when my periods began to be heavier with clumping, painful, and they started to last 2 weeks! The obgyn I had just kept changing my birth control prescription. I had enough and went to someone else. Turns out I had fibroids in the uterine wall that were growing and causing these issues. They actually gave me a choice. Could try and cut them down, but with a strong possibility they'd just regrow, or have a hysterectomy. So at 31, I had the hysterectomy and good golly has it been freeing. They left the ovaries in, and I picture them as little tourists in shirts, hats and cameras, just touring around.

With any professional, if you are not feeling listened to, find someone who actually does their job and listens. It can be a long search, but they're out there.

 

[bastion]

With any professional, if you are not feeling listened to, find someone who actually does their job and listens. It can be a long search, but they're out there.

Thank you for sharing your experience and the encouragement! It's definitely giving me more motivation to pursue changing doctors!

 

[bastion]

Got my meds filled, now just have to wait for my body to actually process them. Hoping I feel the effects soon. My brain has been so scattered and my heart had been racing a lot. I just want to feel stable.

 

[bastion]

Also, before I got my meds filled I made the brilliant decision to try replying to a thread for sharing fears. Problem is, it made me think about the fear I'm currently living with right now.

My short term memory has been fucked due to withdrawal, and it's honestly terrifying to think of the possibility that I could be in this state permanently. It's not even necessarily the fear that this withdrawal has caused permanent damage, I don't think that's his it works. Fuck I hope it's not.

The thing is, my uncle has schizophrenia. There might be more cases of it and other memory affecting disorders in my family on top of it, since I don't know much of my family's medical history on my mom's side and know nothing of my dad's side. I'm basically past the point where schizophrenia would start manifesting, but it can manifest late so I can't escape the fear...

I don't know what I would do if I did develop something that permanently damaged my short term memory. It's been so hard to navigate my life these last few days, I'm so scattered and get lost. It's even worse to imagine the possibility of it getting as bad as when I had too much of an edible for the first time. I felt like I was constantly waking from a dream. There's no way I could live like that.

 

[Malphaestus]

Embrace life: the goodness and the badness which it contains. That is the advice I was given, and that is the advice I have lived. It is no easy task, living with any semblance of mental incumberance: whether major, or minor. Whether memory, or behavioural. It will remain, sadly, and will have to become something which we will have to live with. But, think of the brightness which your life encompass. The people who one can rely on, and the people one can confide in; so long as there is someone, what is dark becomes lighter.

As someone who wears what your uncle does, it is certainly no easy issue to deal with. But do not fear, your likelihood is minimal, if even that. There is no reason to fret over the impossible, and even less to fret about the unlikely: take things in stride; "the mind is a wonderful servant, but a terrible master." Fears unrealized, are no fears to fear; focus on the present primarily, elsewise we all delve into places we never otherwise would have. It is difficult to accomplish, and impossible to achieve in the immediate, but as advice it is placed in good faith.

Take care.

 

[bastion]

I managed to get some chores done today. Washed the dishes and swept the floors. Still need to mop, but at least my feet won't be quite so filthy all the time.

Oh, we also got the curtains up! I even hung up the coat rack and my s.o.'s shelf by the door! All in all, pretty good.

I'm hoping tomorrow I'll be able to mop the floors. Might actually attempt it tonight when I inevitably wake up at like midnight or something.

I was really overwhelmed by the thought of doing the chores, but once I pushed through, it wasn't so bad. It was still tiring, but not even as exhausting as showering, so need to remember that for the future. Hopefully I can keep this up and start taking a more active role in maintaining my environment.

 

[bastion]

Tonight is a bad night... My s.o. isn't up for feeding me and they were only awake for like 3 hours today so I'm just feeling really neglected. They're disabled and working a full-time job, so I can't blame them, but it still hurts.

I can't take care of myself and I have no one to turn to. I feel so helpless and alone. I don't know what to do.

 

[bastion]

Well, I'm feeling emotionally compromised tonight. Starting feeling anxious and like crying around noon when I sat down at my comp to work on things. Eventually went back out to the main room to interact with my s.o. and had lunch but it didn't help much. Had to miss D&D tonight because the feeling was not going away and I feared it would just get worse during the session.

Talked with my s.o. some and they helped me acknowledge that I have way too many projects on my plate. I keep creating servers for various things in an attempt to build a small community but they always die quickly. I finally accepted it was time to cut back and eliminate the ones I don't want to interact in anymore, so posted a message announcing I'd be leaving and asking if anyone wanted to take over or if I should just delete. It does kinda feel nice to not have to deal with the guilt of not interacting in them anymore, so here's hoping it will help me find the energy for the projects I'm keeping.

On that note, I should probably go through my projects and figure out which ones I should move to my project graveyard. Maybe if I cut out the ones I'm not invested in anymore, I'll be able to actually work on something. Yeah, I think I'll go do that now.

 

[bastion]

Yay, got that feeling of neglect creeping back in since my s.o. isn't up for coming out picking up dinner tonight, so I'm left having cereal while they sleep from 5pm till they need to get ready for work at 10:30pm.

It might not be so hard to accept if they hadn't had the last two nights off, meaning they slept most of Sunday, including that night, got a nap yesterday, and got a full night's sleep last night. They sleep so much.

I know I'm being unfair to judge them for how much they sleep. They're disabled and working full-time, at a physically demanding job. But it hurts how little time we get together, especially when I have no one else to depend on.

Of course, that's kinda my own fault. I don't really reach out to others in meaningful ways. It's just, so hard to interact with people. Even harder to make connections offline.

I just... I don't know.

I don't know.

 

[bastion]

Talking with my s.o. about needing more interaction and feeling just like an utterly selfish piece of shit. Not because of anything they've said, but because of realizing I'm seeking out all my social fulfillment from one person and that by asking them to give me even more of their time I'm just fueling their insecurities about how they care for me.

The talk was important. It was important to explain my feelings and express my pain. It was important to hear their feelings and struggles. It was important to get a clearer understanding of the situation. But fuck did it hurt.

What I need from them isn't more time. I just need to be able to rely on them for meals because without them I can't feed myself. A few hours of interaction each day is enough.

I need to find interaction from other sources as well. I need to find a community I feel comfortable in where I talk with people everyday. I need to have more people in my life than just my partner.

I've known this for a while, but it's so difficult to find that community. I try, over and over again, but never find the place I fit. Or if I do, it's rarely active and just gets less active over time. I don't know what to do.

 

[bastion]

*pterodactyl screeching*

I've been fussing with a very basic profile code all day, just making since very basic things like putting the image to the side of the tabs and adding scrollboxes. Well, I just looked at the final from my phone just to realize it's cutting of one or two letters at the right side. I'm so exhausted! I thought I had it

It doesn't even really look pretty, it's so basic and yet here I am suffering!

*collapses*

 

[bastion]

I should probably pay something positive for once. I had a nice relaxing day with my partner! We had some good burgs for lunch and made Andes mint fudge! It's so yummy and I've been wanting it since December!

 

[bastion]

I'm just a burden...

I know that's not true, and yet... My partner is constantly struggling because they are overwhelmed by supporting me. I'm unable to help with chores or cooking. I can't even manage my own hygiene. I barely even stay on top of the litter box.

I fear my relationship may be reaching a breaking point. Cohabiting might not be possible for us. I'm terrified we'll need to live separately for my partner's mental health.

I don't know what will happen to me if it comes to that. I guess I could ask if my friend / ex would be willing to support me but living together wasn't great for me, and tri's thriving now that tri's living alone. My sister would probably agree to let me move in with her in an instance, but living with her in the past destroyed me mentally. Maybe I'd do better now that I'm on meds and have therapy, but I'd have to move states and I don't even know how well that would be covered back there...

I just... Don't even know why I exist at this point. All I'm doing is causing stress. What reason is there for me to be here anymore?

 

[Lorsh]

My partner is constantly struggling because they are overwhelmed by supporting me. I'm unable to help with chores or cooking. I can't even manage my own hygiene. I barely even stay on top of the litter box.

I fear my relationship may be reaching a breaking point. Cohabiting might not be possible for us.

I don't know what will happen to me if it comes to that

ruh roh

if you don't mind me asking, how come you can't wash/feed yourself/do chores?

 

[bastion]

ruh roh

if you don't mind me asking, how come you can't wash/feed yourself/do chores?

Short answer: Depression

Long answer: I have very little energy and it's very hard to move. Most days it's difficult to get out of bed. I also tend to get overwhelmed by three thought of doing these tasks to the point that I just can't move and may end up crying.

This is with medication and therapy.

 

[Lorsh]

Short answer: Depression

Long answer: I have very little energy and it's very hard to move. Most days it's difficult to get out of bed. I also tend to get overwhelmed by three thought of doing these tasks to the point that I just can't move and may end up crying.

This is with medication and therapy.

well, that sucks a bunch.

have you basically just given up on your relationship then? it sounds like something should be done before the worst case scenario happens.

 

[bastion]

well, that sucks a bunch.

have you basically just given up on your relationship then? it sounds like something should be done before the worst case scenario happens.

No we're trying to work through things. The main thing that needs to happen is I need to get to a place where I'm able to be more independent. Finding the way to reach that point hasn't been easy though.

 

[Lorsh]

No we're trying to work through things. The main thing that needs to happen is I need to get to a place where I'm able to be more independent. Finding the way to reach that point hasn't been easy though.

very good, just start small!

 

[bastion]

Time passes and yet the same aches keep coming...

I feel like I'm constantly distressing Cotton, causing them pain. Simple jokes cause them stress and I just don't notice until it's too late. It happens so often. Add to it the ache I feel when I realize what I caused, but the need to hold that in to avoid relating their expressing of distress to causing me pain. I just don't know what to do.

Today's incident was me reading off the top songs of the year I was born with no warning. They asked why several times but I just kept reading for a bit longer even though they started saying things like they were going to leave. Honestly, the only reason I didn't explain right away was because I was in that autistic mode where I had to keep going until I reached the correct stopping point. Either way, I didn't realize just how upsetting it was for them until they came back from getting food and just crashed, finally telling me that the song bit had triggered it.

They're so stressed all the time, and I'm just adding to it. They're constantly sleeping to recover. We barely get any time together and shit like this makes that time even less. I just... feel like such a fuck up. Like it would be better if we just didn't interact.

I know this is just depression getting to me. We have a lot of fun together. We're really good for each other. These stressful moments are rare.

It just... gets hard.