Advice/Help What's a good rule of thumb for inactivity/leaving the RP?

[MistaLuna]

Hello hello everyone! I'd like to ask for some advice regarding inactivity and whatnot.

For some context:
I'd just requested a RP from someone, and they'd accepted.
They had mentioned that they would be happy to roleplay as long as I could wait for a couple of days for replies. (This was around 1 week ago.) I told them it was all fine as long as they were able to communicate to me that it would take a bit longer otherwise.
A couple days later with no response and I decided to revive the chat to ask about the specifics of the roleplay and if they were still interested--to which they answered within the same day.
We were both excited to write when they asked who would start first. Their character was to be planned approaching the area before mine, so I asked if they were alright writing the starter.
Their last reply had been that they would try to write their starter in the next 24 hours, but it's been around 3 days. ^^ And well, they have been rather active since.

Being a nag is the last thing I would like to do, but when is it alright to give your partner a nudge? What kinds of rules for inactivity do you guys have?

Personally, I'm a bit distraught as to whether I should give up this roleplay before I get my hopes up too much; I was really excited to write with this person, but I enjoy communication and mutual interest above all else. I may sound a bit nippy after only 3 days, but it's bothered me how they never followed up after 24 hours to let me know if it would take longer. Are they no longer interested? Am I being too picky? Are they busy? I start to think I need to send them another message asking about their interest and availability, which leads me to believe I am being a nagger. I honestly would not mind waiting longer, but I dislike being ghosted or left on read.

What should I do?

Thanks,
MistaLuna

 

[Chordling]

Your request is not unreasonable. You can think of the situation as if you were the person taking longer to respond. How would you like your partner to treat you under those circumstances? I like to gauge some of my actions with that principle in mind.

 

[nerdy tangents]

I find focusing less on posts and more on health helps.

So if your partner isn’t responding just ask - “hey are you still busy?” OR “are you feeling okay? do you need more time?“

This lets them know that you aren’t mad and doesn’t feel like your rushing them to post out a response. also if you ask about how they’re doing they are more likely to tell you why they aren’t posting.

In addition for the low self esteem (what if it’s me, what if I’m bad, etc.) just start to break it down logically.

1. Did my partner express concern with my ideas? My writing? My personality? etc.

2. Was this concern expressed directly (ie they mentioned it outright) or is it something I am creating in my mind?

3. And finally just make a mantra every time your self esteem gets low.

“This is all in my head. It’s not real. No one hates me. No one hates my writing. etc.”

 

[Idea]

Imagine something happens to you. Are you in the state of mind, in the same day, to face the shame of telling someone you can't keep your promise to them?
Are you able to generally resolve those problems within the same day?

To my understanding, most people would answer no to both of those questions. Now, I might be a very bad example since I'm fine if my partners need a month or even a couple of months between roleplay posts, and just ask they occasionally talk to me OOC, but I believe that at the very least about 10 days is a minimum before someone ought to get worried. Any less depending on the issue it might not be physically possible- let alone psychologically viable- to offer that reply.

Time mismanagement and a lack of self-awareness when it comes to one's schedule is also unfortunately a common factor.

Now, that said I think at any time attempting to reach to your partner is a good thing, if you approach it from the right angle. Like nerdy tangents mentioned, rather than insisting on a post, checking up on them would be received better by a partner interested in working with you, and would generally be more polite and cause less friction.

The thing you shouldn't do, is so quickly assume the RP is dead or you were ghosted.

 

[MistaLuna]

Your request is not unreasonable. You can think of the situation as if you were the person taking longer to respond. How would you like your partner to treat you under those circumstances? I like to gauge some of my actions with that principle in mind.

Thank you for the insight! Though, I guess, I wouldn't know where to start in such varied circumstances! Either way, I'll definitely take that into account!

 

[MistaLuna]

I find focusing less on posts and more on health helps.

So if your partner isn’t responding just ask - “hey are you still busy?” OR “are you feeling okay? do you need more time?“

This lets them know that you aren’t mad and doesn’t feel like your rushing them to post out a response. also if you ask about how they’re doing they are more likely to tell you why they aren’t posting.

In addition for the low self esteem (what if it’s me, what if I’m bad, etc.) just start to break it down logically.

1. Did my partner express concern with my ideas? My writing? My personality? etc.

2. Was this concern expressed directly (ie they mentioned it outright) or is it something I am creating in my mind?

3. And finally just make a mantra every time your self esteem gets low.

“This is all in my head. It’s not real. No one hates me. No one hates my writing. etc.”

Ahh, that makes sense! I definitely don't want to sound pushy, or seem like I'm nagging them for a reply. If anything, perhaps I should focus on health! And, thank you for the self esteem suggestion, I'll definitely be using that process for any possible situations in the future!

 

[MistaLuna]

Imagine something happens to you. Are you in the state of mind, in the same day, to face the shame of telling someone you can't keep your promise to them?
Are you able to generally resolve those problems within the same day?

To my understanding, most people would answer no to both of those questions. Now, I might be a very bad example since I'm fine if my partners need a month or even a couple of months between roleplay posts, and just ask they occasionally talk to me OOC, but I believe that at the very least about 10 days is a minimum before someone ought to get worried. Any less depending on the issue it might not be physically possible- let alone psychologically viable- to offer that reply.

Time mismanagement and a lack of self-awareness when it comes to one's schedule is also unfortunately a common factor.

Now, that said I think at any time attempting to reach to your partner is a good thing, if you approach it from the right angle. Like nerdy tangents mentioned, rather than insisting on a post, checking up on them would be received better by a partner interested in working with you, and would generally be more polite and cause less friction.

The thing you shouldn't do, is so quickly assume the RP is dead or you were ghosted.

Yeah, I would say no to both as well. That's a logical way of looking at it! Hmm, I see! Thank you for the estimate, I'll take that into account when asking about their situation/health! Yes, I've definitely assumed wrongly of being ghosted in the past--to which this very partner has corrected me and informed me on their situation. I am constantly telling myself not to jump to conclusions. ^^ One thing I can say though, is that my messages tend to graze over without much of a notification--in which multiple partners have told me that they no longer are available for roleplay due to late realizations. I suppose past experiences like these really gets me on edge! Which--doesn't exactly help my 'trying not to jump to conclusions case'. XD I will ask on their health in perhaps a few more days then, thank you for your advice!

 

[Idea]

Yeah, I would say no to both as well. That's a logical way of looking at it! Hmm, I see! Thank you for the estimate, I'll take that into account when asking about their situation/health! Yes, I've definitely assumed wrongly of being ghosted in the past--to which this very partner has corrected me and informed me on their situation. I am constantly telling myself not to jump to conclusions. ^^ One thing I can say though, is that my messages tend to graze over without much of a notification--in which multiple partners have told me that they no longer are available for roleplay due to late realizations. I suppose past experiences like these really gets me on edge! Which--doesn't exactly help my 'trying not to jump to conclusions case'. XD I will ask on their health in perhaps a few more days then, thank you for your advice!

I wish you the best of luck and happy roleplaying!

 

[Crayons]

To add on to what others have said: Them being active elsewhere doesn't necessarily mean they don't want to RP with you. I'm pretty active in the discussions but right now I can't write any posts/characters and am behind on everything including posting in one RP, making a CS for another, and talking to a partner about an RP we were going to start but haven't because I've been too busy/unhealthy to start it. Creative writing is a high energy activity for me, but bumming around on the internet/talking about writing is not.

If they are active IC then maybe they have had a similar backlog for all their RPs and are doing them in an order that makes sense to them. Maybe they feel like it's better to catch up with existing RPs than start a new one (which would also be my priority).

 

[Minako]

Oh gosh.

I'm going to try to be as helpful as I possibly can, but honestly it may not be very useful or helpful at all (much as I'd like it to be). I know this seems a bit silly to disclaim, but, please keep in mind this is just from my (albeit limited) experience in this community.

My general rule is a few days to a week, two weeks if their last post was particularly long or difficult to write/post, but... Well...

The blunt truth is that people are gonna post when they're good and ready to and not a second sooner. You can ping, nag, poke, prod, and plead all you want (If you even want) but I doubt any decent person is going to want to go beyond that, and most can't even IF they wanted to since 9 times out of 10 they're most likely half-way across the country or even around the world from their partner(s).

The best you can do is check-up on them regularly, hope they're alright (and of course, still interested!) and make sure you understand if "life" got in their way. Role-playing isn't, or, well... shouldn't... be so important it takes priority over real life. Sometimes the delays come from serious real life issues like illness or injury to themselves or their family (and it truly is up to fortune to dictate whether or not they keep you updated on that or not) or work or school, and sometimes they DO appreciate the ping and a gentle tap was all they needed to sit down and type.

Now, of course, there is a rather appreciable difference between "taking forever to post" and still (eventually) delivering a good, decent post and taking weeks for less than a paragraph. If they are the latter then they aren't interested in the RP and most likely are stringing you along with behavior like that and you should bail. There's having legitimate issues and then there's lacking effort, I truly hope you don't get strung along or are able to spot when you are to save you from future hassles and that this current partner isn't stringing you along either

 

[M.J. Saulnier]

I tend to take words with a grain of salt. People will - more times than not - be overly polite and superficial, telling you what they think you want to hear. If you say, "Oh god! I'm so excited for this." You're bound to receive the obligatory "I know. Me too. This is going to be awesome."

It's not that the person is fake, deceitful or unsavory, it's just what people do. When you went three days without receiving a message, that told you everything you needed to know about their excitement level.

I can't speak for this person and nor would I try to. But I can try to understand and relate to them for a moment. Only that person knows what happened and what the reasons are. But one thing that plagues present day RP is erratic/uncontrolled creative muse. People watch a WWII movie and want to do a WWII RP, for about forty-eight hours before they get their next blast of muse from Netflix.

Similarly, people will stumble upon an RP, get super into it, then they hit that wall where you actually have to do the character and plot work. Sometimes they just find another RP they are into more for whatever reason - maybe it was a new hot-looking fandom project.


Often it's better to get this out of the way before you break ground In Character. It's not too late to find a new partner to work with.


A good rule of thumb is always making that initial contact, go through the usual motions, then leave the ball in their court to get their ducks in a row and get back to you. This is when you see who was actually interested, and who found a good Fandom that night and wrote you off.