Viewpoint What makes you nope out of a search thread?

[just_patches]

I wouldn't call it picky, it's one of the first things we see when we meet new people. We're allowed to make presumptions because it's what we do best Folk that use a certain game/series character as their avatar and are only interested in Fandoms related to that character are instant red-flags for me. xD I seem to only come across the cringy fanatics than enthusiastic fans!

The Fluttershy one in particular has some story behind it. Back in my brony days I knew 3 people who used her as her avatar on roleplay forums. They would always acts kind and nervous, one even trying to talk like her
But everytime when you'd get to know them they'd turn out to be on of the most vindictive and toxic members of the fandom

 

[norway]

I’ve probably posted here before, but it always inspires me with more commentary. I’d say definitely number one is the new term “ghosting friendly” which, I personally, think is absurd. I’m all for someone leaving at any point and time for any reason, or no reason at all, but letting me know is a mannerism, it’s courteous, and it teaches accountability. That’s kind of like saying you’re “drop out” “breakup” or “abandonment” friendly, all three of which I have dealt with as a receiver and a cause and neither is pleasurable.

second would have to be I only play on gender thing, I respect it as a preference but I typically I would assume you’re looking to satisfy a personal fantasy instead of actually write. Who am I to judge that? It’s a right and a huge inspiration for most publications. i personally however won’t stick around just to be saving your damsel. Even today I get stuck in them by sneaky wording and it’s miserable.

Another thing and this isn’t so much right in the thread but a deception that is revealed post thread during brainstorming. “Please help me plot” they say, but then they actually end up being both... completely unhelpful AND overly controlling? Everything you offer is a no, or worse what you write is judged post post because they will not tell you what they want, but they will craftily word their preferences without wording them later, and also continuously say “whatever works best for you!” And offer nothing else.

 

[ashwynne]

I’ve probably posted here before, but it always inspires me with more commentary. I’d say definitely number one is the new term “ghosting friendly” which, I personally, think is absurd. I’m all for someone leaving at any point and time for any reason, or no reason at all, but letting me know is a mannerism, it’s courteous, and it teaches accountability. That’s kind of like saying you’re “drop out” “breakup” or “abandonment” friendly, all three of which I have dealt with as a receiver and a cause and neither is pleasurable.

Found this really interesting! I think there's a balance to be struck here. The people who ghost generally (in my experience) do so either because of sudden upheaval IRL or because of mental health challenges that make admitting the roleplay is no longer interesting/they don't want to carry on with it anymore extremely difficult. If it's for IRL reasons then, obviously, they can't really be faulted. But people who do it out of fear/anxiety are a complicated case.

I used to be one of those anxious types, and seeing someone say they were "ghost friendly" would make me more likely to feel I could approach them about it if I did lose interest. People who take a hardline stance against ghosting tend to trigger the panic more easily when it comes down to wanting to leave, I think. Probably because it makes them seem more "intense" than someone who is cool with a person just vanishing.

I don't think ghosting is acceptable or polite behaviour from a purely black and white standpoint, but I do understand it and would consider myself "ghost friendly." As far as I can tell there's really no point in being ghost unfriendly. It's not going to stop the people who ghost, but being tolerant of those that do might lead to them being more comfortable about actually saying they want to leave. Accountability is really important, but I think being sympathetic to the cause behind people feeling their only option is to drop off the face of the planet is important too.

 

[norway]

Yeah. Your entire point is absolutely valid And thank you for bringing up those always important and very real circumstances people face irl and here. However, I was not pointing to the exceptional cases of which they are many. (:

I’m only worried about the growing acceptance of “oh you’re bailing? It’s okay I don’t mind losing all my hard work”. Further more, these people lose all of their hard work, which saddens me because they are worth more than they know. I’m not at all saying they owe anyone or need to stay; never ever be uncomfortable, never ever force yourself to participate. You don’t have to. Life’s too big especially on the internet.

all of those circumstances are entirely valid. Honestly I wouldn’t even say you have to have any kind of situation or illness to be justified in losing interest, some people are just like, I’m over it. It was a phase. It was a minute thing.Honesty with yourself is vital. That’s legitimate and fine.

my issue is please have the mannerisms to let your partner know. It stems from a much bigger issue, from dating to attendance in the workplace and Family life and so forth, people just drop and don’t tell you. These are not just my personal experiences but seems to be an echo I’ve watched for a while. I too have done This the entirety of my early writing life, ditching and dipping cause of any of my many medical diagnosis’s, severe anxiety being the biggest reason or when depression hits and you can’t figure out if you want to even wake up let alone write for someone. of course, it’s a tough life.

But even with our challenges, I think it’s very healthy and reasonable that we start small, so small as to just work in ourselves and know we have a right to say “no”. Which is hard. But if I could let anyone other than myself start to know you have the right to just respect another and yourself and just end something with closure, that’s so important. Closure is important. No matter what.

that’s all. This was not meant to be a trigger for anyone as I was given a chance to state an issue, but I’m sorry to anyone who felt personally attacked. I simply advocate for better communication and acceptance from all sides.

i just recently told two partners I was absolutely miserable writing with I simply could not do it anymore. They both cut me off immediately, and blocked me from everything, and I had a good panic and a lot of guilt. But now? I don’t have that obligation; and, I didn’t avoid it. At least they know and it wasn’t so far in that they lost so much work. (:

it hurts but it’s at least good to try. Anxiety or just an inability to commit, baby steps help.

I will go ahead and leave the threadnow cause I feel like I’m about to be absolutely verbally destroyed for responding, Lol. *shrug* but I just wanted to explain myself.

 

[ashwynne]

norway
I do agree with you for the most part, just wanted to offer a counterpoint.

I really don't think ghosting for reasons of mental illness or IRL crisis are the exception though. I'd be willing to bet that people without mental health issues don't have the same difficulty in giving notice about a lack of interest, and are not the ones primarily ghosting. They are the exception, if anything, when they abandon a partner without a word.

Frankly, I agree that it's a common courtesy that should be observed regardless of mental health challenges, but sadly life is never so simple. I've learned to say 'no' and be open and honest with my partners now, but there was a time even a few years back that the thought was utterly ghastly to me. I'd work myself up until I was certain everyone would hate me for taking a week or two to reply/come online and in my panic I delayed and delayed until months had passed and I felt there was no option but to cut myself off from that medium entirely. I no longer struggle the way I did, but I do try and be empathetic to the fact that I know there are people in the same boat I was in.

It's a difficult balance. People shouldn't ghost, but I can understand why they do it and can't really fault it without making myself a hypocrite. I imagine most of us have ghosted at one time or another so it only seems fair to extend the understanding and kindness I would like to experience to the writing partners in my life. And, for me, that means being "friendly" to ghosting. It doesn't necessarily mean I condone it, but it does mean that I won't judge or have hard feelings if someone just vanishes.

But you know... I do completely understand what you're saying. I have a very slightly different viewpoint but I 100% get where you're coming from and your stance is completely valid. This is an opinion thread after all, so what I think about your opinion ultimately doesn't matter at all xP I just thought it was interesting since I don't think I've seen anyone say that an interest thread being 'ghost friendly' would turn them off from that person as a partner.

 

[norway]

norway
I do agree with you for the most part, just wanted to offer a counterpoint.

I really don't think ghosting for reasons of mental illness or IRL crisis are the exception though. I'd be willing to bet that people without mental health issues don't have the same difficulty in giving notice about a lack of interest, and are not the ones primarily ghosting. They are the exception, if anything, when they abandon a partner without a word.

Frankly, I agree that it's a common courtesy that should be observed regardless of mental health challenges, but sadly life is never so simple. I've learned to say 'no' and be open and honest with my partners now, but there was a time even a few years back that the thought was utterly ghastly to me. I'd work myself up until I was certain everyone would hate me for taking a week or two to reply/come online and in my panic I delayed and delayed until months had passed and I felt there was no option but to cut myself off from that medium entirely. I no longer struggle the way I did, but I do try and be empathetic to the fact that I know there are people in the same boat I was in.

It's a difficult balance. People shouldn't ghost, but I can understand why they do it and can't really fault it without making myself a hypocrite. I imagine most of us have ghosted at one time or another so it only seems fair to extend the understanding and kindness I would like to experience to the writing partners in my life. And, for me, that means being "friendly" to ghosting. It doesn't necessarily mean I condone it, but it does mean that I won't judge or have hard feelings if someone just vanishes.

But you know... I do completely understand what you're saying. I have a very slightly different viewpoint but I 100% get where you're coming from and your stance is completely valid. This is an opinion thread after all, so what I think about your opinion ultimately doesn't matter at all xP I just thought it was interesting since I don't think I've seen anyone say that an interest thread being 'ghost friendly' would turn them off from that person as a partner.

maybe I should reword it as I am “leaving whenever you want” friendly which is actually in my search threads? All I add is let me know, lol. Like. Literally “bye felicia” would make me laugh and I’d let it go. Just don’t ghost me and the departure haunts me for a period of time later.
We could also agree I’d assume this could be considered largely a personal problem of my own, as I am the only one in the party at that point that is bothered. Some people probably just do this for fun and aren’t as disappointed by the sudden abandonment. Me however, I put thought into my characters and due to the resounding abandonment from partners without say I have lessened quality substantially until I have a hope they’ll stick around and even then they just vanish. It’s not even about the story at that point I often post every few months asking if they’re alive no humor included. And I’m still wondering about some partners from years ago and where they ended up.

but yeah. I get it. Again, thanks for the addition perspective.

 

[ashwynne]

norway
I suppose it just comes down to the fact that in the back of my mind I've resigned myself to the possibility of people just vanishing one day. Ultimately, whether they give me notice or not, the story is not going to continue if they go and the heart I've put into my characters is going to amount to nothing so the method of leaving has stopped mattering hugely to me. I'm not sure whether that's healthy or unhealthy, but it does take some of the heartbreak out of it. It's probably the other biggest reason why I consider myself "ghost friendly." To me there's no real closure without the story ending properly.

We're two sides of the same coin, I think.

It's been an interesting discussion!! I won't keep cluttering up the thread with it, but I enjoyed seeing your perspective on the matter and I wish you all the best in finding some good partners who will stick around

 

[Crayons]

norway and ashwynne This has been such a nice and courteous discussion and it's been a pleasure to read both of your opinions. Honestly this should be the model for all internet discussions. You are both

 

[rae2nerdy]

Adding onto ashwynne 's point about being ghost friendly I think a lot of times it does come down to different expectations too. When I start a roleplay I don't treat it like entering a longterm relationship. I treat it like starting a collaborative project. I go into with the expectations that I'm going to work with multiple people over the course of weeks/months/etc. to see my idea come to fruition.

In my case my main focus is worldbuilding so it's a little easier to go into a roleplay with that mentality than someone with a story focus. As it's hardly like I have to remake my world every time someone leaves. I just put out the request again and wait for another partner to help me flesh out new and interesting aspects of the world.

Now when I used to do roleplays on Gaia I think one of the best features they had was that they wouldn't automatically restart a roleplay if it died. Instead they would basically time skip or build on a previous iteration until the story was complete (or just to keep it ongoing if there wasn't an end)

As an example there was one roleplay where the basic plot was a scientist experimenting on animals at the San Diego Zoo. The first roleplay fell apart to ghosting and the GM just made a new one with an updated plot. The previous roleplay plot happened which forced the scientist to move to Yellowstone to continue his experiments. So it gave an option for new players to start without prior experience but also gave the players that remained a chance to keep previous character development

I think this is a good way to preserve the work you've done with a dead roleplay but also work towards ultimately ending the story you started. You can do this in 1x1s too just each time you get a new partner find a way for them to work into the plot as it stands the last time you started working.

 

[BackSet]

Ghosting is good,

At least, to me it is.

I accept a lot of people, knowing half of them will ghost, and eventually it all boils down to the purely dedicated roleplayers, like myself.

Besides, I can always reboot my roleplays.

 

[NotPoisonousIvy]

I just realized two more things so I had to come back to this thread- I apologize in advance if these have been debate before.

1)“Convince me”
I think we all know what I’m talking about. A person will say something along the lines of: “I can RP (insert pairing/fandom/etc. of choice here) but I am extremely picky about it and I will most likely not RP it but you can try and convince me otherwise.”

... what do you want me to do, dress in drag and do the hula?

No, but seriously now- if you don’t want to RP something, maybe it’s better not to bother listing it? I shouldn’t have to use my ‘persuasive skills’ to drag you into something you are against. If the fandom/plot/etc. I’m interested in has this kind of message attached, I will not “try and change your mind”, I will simply leave the thread.

2)Too many threads
Having, let’s say, one thread for original RPs and one for fandom RPs it’s alright- it’s neat and organized. But having 5+ threads at the same time (or posting a new thread every few days) I find redundant- and it makes you look kinda desperate. So yeah, if I see a lot of threads, started by the same person, on the first page, chances are I will not click.

(Waiting patiently for people to get mad at me now?)

 

[BackSet]

what do you want me to do, dress in drag and do the hula?

Yes.

...kidding.

 

[Daisie]

2)Too many threads
Having, let’s say, one thread for original RPs and one for fandom RPs it’s alright- it’s neat and organized. But having 5+ threads at the same time (or posting a new thread every few days) I find redundant- and it makes you look kinda desperate. So yeah, if I see a lot of threads, started by the same person, on the first page, chances are I will not click.

By the way! If you see folks who have multiple threads like this, that is considered spam and should be reported. c:

 

[ashwynne]

rae2nerdy
Ah yes, I was thinking in terms of a 1x1. I don't personally feel much of anything in a group RP when ghosting occurs, it's basically an expected part of it imo. It's why I don't really do them anymore--the sense of obligation to the group tends to be extremely low as compared to in a 1x1 where it's more of a working relationship. Now I'll only do group RP's with people I know and trust.

I can definitely see how in a world-building focused environment it wouldn't be a problem either. I'm here to write stories so for me to have them left hanging is quite tragic (and I can't/won't just carry them on with someone else) but in the situation you describe I think that's a totally valid point.

1)“Convince me”
I think we all know what I’m talking about. A person will say something along the lines of: “I can RP (insert pairing/fandom/etc. of choice here) but I am extremely picky about it and I will most likely not RP it but you can try and convince me otherwise.”

... what do you want me to do, dress in drag and do the hula?

No, but seriously now- if you don’t want to RP something, maybe it’s better not to bother listing it? I shouldn’t have to use my ‘persuasive skills’ to drag you into something you are against. If the fandom/plot/etc. I’m interested in has this kind of message attached, I will not “try and change your mind”, I will simply leave the thread.

THIS!!
It's so bizarre to me... why put an idea up that you don't really want to do?
Multiple times I've come across a plot concept I loved that had this caveat attached and so I had to abandon it.
I'm not interested in stressing myself over getting someone else to become invested in their own idea.
It's really weird to me xD Like, listing which plot you have a preference for out of the ones listed makes sense... but if one of the concepts is so boring/undesirable to you compared to the rest of them then why the heck is it even included? Save it in a document somewhere for a rainy day if your muse for it comes back, don't try and make me write you a persuasive essay on why you should write YOUR idea with me.

 

[rae2nerdy]

rae2nerdy
Ah yes, I was thinking in terms of a 1x1. I don't personally feel much of anything in a group RP when ghosting occurs, it's basically an expected part of it imo. It's why I don't really do them anymore--the sense of obligation to the group tends to be extremely low as compared to in a 1x1 where it's more of a working relationship. Now I'll only do group RP's with people I know and trust.

I can definitely see how in a world-building focused environment it wouldn't be a problem either. I'm here to write stories so for me to have them left hanging is quite tragic (and I can't/won't just carry them on with someone else) but in the situation you describe I think that's a totally valid point.

To be clear I was talking about 1x1s. My main point is that a lot of people seem to view roleplays like trying to play a computer game. In that if you don't complete the entire thing in one setting you have to start over from scratch. Whereas I tend to view it like reading a chapter book. If you are reading a book you don't start over from scratch if you get interrupted. You just put a bookmark to mark your space and come back whenever you have free time.

And on the site I was talking about that's how roleplays where treated. Like books that were broken into chapters. Each chapter ending whenever someone had to ghost (or multiple people in the case of a group). It was also a site where people had a fairly laidback approach to ghosting in general. People had more or less your view on ghosting in general and so rather than let a roleplay die because of it they prepared for it and just kept moving on.

EXAMPLE
Pairing Prompt : Dragon x Princess ( I play Dragon ) | The Plot is Dragon and Princess are in an arranged marriage to bring their kingdoms together.

So the idea is that I break the over all roleplay into chapters based on my partners availability. We'll say Partner 1 ghosts before we even start posting, that's easy I just keep the character I created and post the request again. Partner 2 stays until after the two characters are introduced then ghosts. Now most people in at this stage would go "Well that's that time to start over again." Instead I would say you just keep moving forward while writing the Princess character out of the roleplay.

Say she was taken ill and had to return to her kingdom. Say she was caught making out with a stable hand and returned home in disgrace and her desperate parents sent a replacement. However you choose to write her out just make it a continuation of the story. If it helps think of it like the story of the 12 dancing princesses. They were under a curse and so their father sent out a message to all the eligible princes in the land to try to break it. However one by one the Princes where killed by tragic accidents due to the curse. So it's pretty easy to do something similar (minus the magic if necessary) with a pairing based roleplay. Just say the previous love interests didn't work out.

- Now you can use this basic idea in any type of story, pairings are just the most common story in 1x1 genre. The key idea to remember is to just write the ghost's character out of the narrative and keep moving forward. You don't have to throw away weeks/months of work just because your first partner doesn't work out. You can absolutely tell the story with someone else. You just got to be willing to be a little flexible with your story telling.

 

[Crayons]

If there is a section addressed to "you" (as in your character). For example: "You walk into the town of Dragonsedge on a Thursday morning and see a notice on the board for a missing person...."

I'm sure part of this is the implicit suggestion that it's going to be a 1st person roleplay. The other implicit suggestion is that it will be heavily GMed, possibly railroaded. The third implicit suggestion is that OP doesn't know the difference between IC and OOC or thinks that I consider my character to be myself. All of those are assumptions on my part, but whatever the reality... this is a big immediate nope out from me.

 

[ashwynne]

rae2nerdy
Oh yeah, I understood what you meant. Your initial example sounded like a group RP which I think would work better in general for this system.

It's probably just a difference in perspective on storytelling. Everything is very character driven for me and I work hard to make complicated and realistic characters. I also don't like re-using characters as I always make them from scratch for a roleplay. I feel like constantly re-booting and adding this long list of failed loves/random scenarios breaks the realism of a character. No one really goes through that much drama... especially not a straight-laced, loyal, character who was reluctant to give love a chance in the first place xD

Honestly? I'd sooner just carry on the story on my own. After that much time you normally have a good handle on both characters anyways. I tend to link characters/plots very tightly with the people I write with, so separating that and just carrying on as though they died/never existed in the first place feels wrong to me. Plus I don't like recycling characters/plots anyways so I don't think that would work for me.

BUT! I appreciate that you've found a method that helps you to handle ghosting. Maybe someone else will read this and feel better about it too I'm very blessed with phenomenal current partners... most I've been writing with for 2+ months already with no signs of stopping!

If there is a section addressed to "you" (as in your character). For example: "You walk into the town of Dragonsedge on a Thursday morning and see a notice on the board for a missing person...."

I'm sure part of this is the implicit suggestion that it's going to be a 1st person roleplay. The other implicit suggestion is that it will be heavily GMed, possibly railroaded. The third implicit suggestion is that OP doesn't know the difference between IC and OOC or that I consider my character to be myself. All of those are assumptions on my part, but whatever the reality... this is a big immediate nope out from me.

Oh yes, THIS.
There's just something creepy about having an interest check/plot synopsis written like a self-insert fanfiction xD
I usually can't get through them completely, it makes me feel a bit panicky to read. I don't want to walk through Dragonsedge, and I certainly don't want to interact with another self-insert xD

The worst by far are romance-based interest checks written like that, though. Those just make me want to crawl into a hole somewhere.

 

[Ayama]

... what do you want me to do, dress in drag and do the hula?

That Lion King reference though xD ​

 

[NotPoisonousIvy]

That Lion King reference though xD ​

I was waiting for someone to point it out XD

 

[Ayama]

I was waiting for someone to point it out XD

I had to- it made me really happy ^^ ​

 

[BackSet]

I swe it but I opted for a different joke.

 

[SP3CT3R]

By the way! If you see folks who have multiple threads like this, that is considered spam and should be reported. c:

I literally was just about to post here about people posting new threads every three days. The knowledge that I can report people for it added a year to my lifespan.

 

[Cassie Lang]

I literally was just about to post here about people posting new threads every three days. The knowlegde that I can report people for it added a year to my lifespan.

Even worse if they're bumping the threads at or roughly the same time. I know someone who has five or so interest checks in the 1x1 section on another site, which they used to bump all at once until people complained. Now they bump them at least an hour apart to make it seem like it isn't spam, but even then they could still at least condense the threads, especially given that some of them overlap.

But yeah, I don't really understand why people think they need so many threads. You really don't need more than, like, two at most, but even then I don't really see the point of having two.

 

[rae2nerdy]

Even worse if they're bumping the threads at or roughly the same time. I know someone who has five or so interest checks in the 1x1 section on another site, which they used to bump all at once until people complained. Now they bump them at least an hour apart to make it seem like it isn't spam, but even then they could still at least condense the threads, especially given that some of them overlap.

But yeah, I don't really understand why people think they need so many threads. You really don't need more than, like, two at most, but even then I don't really see the point of having two.

If one is offsite and one is onsite. Otherwise yeah I can’t think why you need more than one. Although I’m fine with like making a new one for each new idea. As long as you make the old thread closed.

 

[NesyCelvestian]

The 18+ part just sets me down.

I don't care about age honestly. But I do care about literacy and such.
I am semi-literate which requires me to bump up the requirements for literacy to be close to semi-literate or above. I'm not aggressive about literacy or anything like that but it'd be a bit nice if some literacy was added.