Poetry water - a monolouge

[honeykimchi]

cold. thats all i felt. shrouding my body in a tight grasp, not letting me go. if i fight back, i cant get anywhere. in the end, i couldnt fight. i know i shouldnt have jumped. i thought it would have made everything so much better. better for my friends. better for the little family i had. better for myself. but thanks to my damn mistake, i cant come back. im stuck as a lost dead body that nobody ever has given a shit about and never will. everyone is mad at me. Furious!....... but i dont want to see my mother cry as she places supermarket flowers on a table, dusting it off like the dried mud on my shoes after playing in the sweet rain. i dont want to see my friends struggle as they all search my room and bring up the memories of me. talking about the time i would smile whenever someone frowned, or when i snorted in the middle of my laughs, watching them talk about how i was a ray of sunshine. i dont want to have to watch my dad sit on the church pews and fantasize about walking me down the isle at least once, knowing that he never will. watching him recall when he would let me steal moms lipstick and draw all over his face with it. when i would make burnt toast for him on fathers day and him acting like he enjoyed it just to make me happy.
but i cant remember any of that. all i feel is the darkness sinking with me. following me so i can never escape it.

and i never will.

-honeykimchi