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Realistic or Modern Vices and Virtues
awriternamedian
Not made of lies and deceit
AI10100
Expert Lurker
myrkwise
Despite everything, I'm still here.
Entry #391
I’ve decided to try writing in my diary again. What an odd thing to write, now that I am doing so - but no matter. Eight years ago, my therapist suggested using this very journal to catalogue all my thoughts and emotions, to keep them from bubbling outward. I wonder why he came up with such a method for me, but none of it matters now. He’s gone, but I’m still here. Funny how that works out?
Anyway, I gave up on this quickly, and then promised myself to only pick it up again if something truly worthwhile happened to me; a promise I never intended to keep.
Recently, something like that has happened.
I’ve met a girl my age - Eloise, I’m nearly certain - and she seems… good. I have nothing else to say. Goodbye and see you tomorrow. Or never.
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Ame woke up clammy and sweaty as always, his bed making creaks and groans as he tossed from side to side in discomfort. His bloodshot and bagged eyes flickered open to envision his bedroom as it had always been. The floor was matted and slathered with clogged plaid fuzz, cuffs of matted hair and indiscrete boxes of takeout food and still unpacked cardboard packages scattered about in a haphazard formation. Besides the debris, the room contained three lone items of note : the aforementioned bed that was in reality more of a sad, half-deflated mattress, the tiny wooden desk and chair near the windowsill still shuttered closed by the blinds, and the comparatively towering mass of disorganized clothes that lingered off the side of the bed. The sickly pale yellow wallpaper surrounding it all made the room feel even darker and smaller than it otherwise would.
In other words, this was home.
Ame turned around in his bed one more time, considering his course of actions for the rest of the day, not that he even knew what time it was at this point. He never did.
He took out his phone, one of the last personal possessions he had left with him that weren’t clothes or the house itself (though the house was barely even his to begin with). He stared at himself against the blacked out screen of the device, his reflection staring right back. His greasy black hair was obvious, but what really stood out to him was his neck. There were bites all over it.
Annoying.
He sighed and sat upward, his back slouched and his long hair flowing against his face, giving off a ghostly visage. He muttered to himself, oddly out of breath with a slight wheeze that could almost be considered a giggle, “I really am a mess, huh?”
Then he heard a noise outside his bedroom. There was only one suspect : Eloise.
I’ve decided to try writing in my diary again. What an odd thing to write, now that I am doing so - but no matter. Eight years ago, my therapist suggested using this very journal to catalogue all my thoughts and emotions, to keep them from bubbling outward. I wonder why he came up with such a method for me, but none of it matters now. He’s gone, but I’m still here. Funny how that works out?
Anyway, I gave up on this quickly, and then promised myself to only pick it up again if something truly worthwhile happened to me; a promise I never intended to keep.
Recently, something like that has happened.
I’ve met a girl my age - Eloise, I’m nearly certain - and she seems… good. I have nothing else to say. Goodbye and see you tomorrow. Or never.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ame woke up clammy and sweaty as always, his bed making creaks and groans as he tossed from side to side in discomfort. His bloodshot and bagged eyes flickered open to envision his bedroom as it had always been. The floor was matted and slathered with clogged plaid fuzz, cuffs of matted hair and indiscrete boxes of takeout food and still unpacked cardboard packages scattered about in a haphazard formation. Besides the debris, the room contained three lone items of note : the aforementioned bed that was in reality more of a sad, half-deflated mattress, the tiny wooden desk and chair near the windowsill still shuttered closed by the blinds, and the comparatively towering mass of disorganized clothes that lingered off the side of the bed. The sickly pale yellow wallpaper surrounding it all made the room feel even darker and smaller than it otherwise would.
In other words, this was home.
Ame turned around in his bed one more time, considering his course of actions for the rest of the day, not that he even knew what time it was at this point. He never did.
He took out his phone, one of the last personal possessions he had left with him that weren’t clothes or the house itself (though the house was barely even his to begin with). He stared at himself against the blacked out screen of the device, his reflection staring right back. His greasy black hair was obvious, but what really stood out to him was his neck. There were bites all over it.
Annoying.
He sighed and sat upward, his back slouched and his long hair flowing against his face, giving off a ghostly visage. He muttered to himself, oddly out of breath with a slight wheeze that could almost be considered a giggle, “I really am a mess, huh?”
Then he heard a noise outside his bedroom. There was only one suspect : Eloise.
LuciaMetelli
New Member
"Ame!" Eloise opened the door without knocking, tiptoed through the mess on the floor without a second look and bounced onto the bed. "You need to get up, it's midday." She waited a moment, then added: "You promised you'd come with. Or at least you didn't say no and that's basically a yes. Come oooon!"
They hadn't been friends for long, but Eloise had rarely felt so relaxed around anyone. There was nothing to calm about Ame, if anything, he needed a push from time to time. That first night at the beach, he'd seemed gloomy. She had just arrived in Blueridge and was looking for a friend, maybe a place to crash. The little money that she had brought would barely last to the end of the week and who knows if that café at the seaside would pay enough. Getting work as a seasonal helper was something at least, but from her experience, pay could vary wildly. The little coastal town seemed safe enough, but she still preferred having a proper bed.
Ame was nice, if a little shy, but he had a house. A house! If she took the edge of his dark mood, he might invite her over sometimes - it had been worth a try. And that's where she started a taking a real interest in him, because for the first time in her life, it hadn't worked. They'd been sitting and chatting for a while, mainly her talking at him, if she was honest, but more and more time passed and he didn't cheer up. That was a first. Maybe it was just that her life story was a little depressing, maybe it was that he already was depressed, but she had never met someone whose bad mood hadn't improved around her.
There was something different about Ame that she couldn't quite put her finger on. The longer they talked, the more it seemed to her that he was trying to get away, as if he was afraid of something. Then - was it something she'd said? - he looked at her strangely and finally, opened up a little. Like he was suddenly less afraid? Eloise didn't quite understand it. Maybe she had imagined it? After he had first invited her over, she'd come by nearly daily to hang out, grab a shower, some free food... he always ordered nice food when she was there. He had never once asked her to pay for anything.
Eloise tugged at his sleeve. "Come on now, we'll miss all the excitement! You can hide out here any day, but not today!" His place was a pigsty, but at least there were no syringes around, no spoons, nothing. At least he didn't use. Eloise doubted he'd have the energy to hide it if he did. She started pulling him up. "Now, we're going."
They hadn't been friends for long, but Eloise had rarely felt so relaxed around anyone. There was nothing to calm about Ame, if anything, he needed a push from time to time. That first night at the beach, he'd seemed gloomy. She had just arrived in Blueridge and was looking for a friend, maybe a place to crash. The little money that she had brought would barely last to the end of the week and who knows if that café at the seaside would pay enough. Getting work as a seasonal helper was something at least, but from her experience, pay could vary wildly. The little coastal town seemed safe enough, but she still preferred having a proper bed.
Ame was nice, if a little shy, but he had a house. A house! If she took the edge of his dark mood, he might invite her over sometimes - it had been worth a try. And that's where she started a taking a real interest in him, because for the first time in her life, it hadn't worked. They'd been sitting and chatting for a while, mainly her talking at him, if she was honest, but more and more time passed and he didn't cheer up. That was a first. Maybe it was just that her life story was a little depressing, maybe it was that he already was depressed, but she had never met someone whose bad mood hadn't improved around her.
There was something different about Ame that she couldn't quite put her finger on. The longer they talked, the more it seemed to her that he was trying to get away, as if he was afraid of something. Then - was it something she'd said? - he looked at her strangely and finally, opened up a little. Like he was suddenly less afraid? Eloise didn't quite understand it. Maybe she had imagined it? After he had first invited her over, she'd come by nearly daily to hang out, grab a shower, some free food... he always ordered nice food when she was there. He had never once asked her to pay for anything.
Eloise tugged at his sleeve. "Come on now, we'll miss all the excitement! You can hide out here any day, but not today!" His place was a pigsty, but at least there were no syringes around, no spoons, nothing. At least he didn't use. Eloise doubted he'd have the energy to hide it if he did. She started pulling him up. "Now, we're going."
wheeler
𝙨𝙩𝙖𝙧 𝙗𝙤𝙮. ★☆
♡coded by uxie♡
salem.
inactive, hiatus
myrkwise
Despite everything, I'm still here.
@
LuciaMetelli
Sometimes, Ame wonders why he’s still around.
He had managed to delude himself nearly a year ago that he had finally reached the great and final revelation to redeem himself in his darkest hour. The discovery of his abilities alongside the unwitting torture he had been inflicting on the only few people in the entire world who cared for him had turned the tentative peace - a lie, in reality - on its very head. A rotten egg splatting on the floor, its putrid guts splaying out for all the world to gawk. The choice he made then was not a choice at all: it was the natural result of both being born the monster he was as well as the many, many terrible mistakes that he had made. He resolved on that day, as he briskly forced himself from the pleas and cries that he would never again make himself a burden to others. He knew then that his very existence was a poison that needed to be purged for the betterment of all.
Ame was a coward. He had always understood this, at the very least. If he wasn’t a coward, he wouldn’t have lurked in the basement for years, a miserable parasite to those above. He had hoped, however, that he would’ve mustered up even a tiny morsel of the bravery that his father had tried to foster in him, at least enough to fix the old man’s mistake. He proved a disappointment on even this front. It had been two months since he had last tried, and he had barely even seriously considered trying again since the last time ended so painfully unsatisfactory.
Instead of making things better for himself and everyone else, he now lay in a middle ground, the worst of all possible worlds. Incapable of living and unwilling to die, Ame wondered if he would stay like this forever, or at least until his rapidly shrinking funds depleted completely.
That voice rang again. That sickeningly optimistic, charming voice that threatened to destroy everything he had so poorly constructed. It was only what he deserved, ultimately, for failing so many times until now, when such a quick and simple prospect was a thing of the past. For a few sweet, silver months there was not a single living soul that Ame believed would genuinely have cared if he had disappeared for good. Now, though, yet another chain had been forged, forcing him from passing on from the mortal world despite the full force of his higher will. His greatest and oldest enemy proved as traitorous as ever - the instinctuous, animalistic, callous, lazy, and worthless rot inside him had happily drank up all of the woman’s sweet words like necter.
He had tried to right the course. He continued to try. For nearly six minutes, he tried to force himself to stay put, despite every demon lurking in the cells of his heart and soul clawing at the bars and screaming to be let free.
His humanity had the upper hand. He didn’t even like festivals.
As he was about to let out a terse refusal, an ugly, nasty little image burst out from within the dark annals of his inner : her face, so far hidden from view, recoiling faintly in disappointment, but maddeningly enough not surprise, only a resigned expectation.
This is what you are. What you will always be.
In the end, he didn’t even think about it. He simply opened the door and allowed his dusky eyes to meet her directly. As he opened his mouth to speak, he couldn’t help but notice the gingerly rasp that encoiled his voice.
“I’ve nothing better to do. Let’s go.”
LuciaMetelli
New Member
"I've nothing better to do, Let's go." Eloise nodded once in satisfaction and jumped up, all but dragging Ame out of the house. It would do him good to be around people, no matter what he said, she was sure of it. The sounds of the festival filled the summery streets of Blueridge, getting louder and clearer as the duo approached the edges of the crowd. "What do you want to do first? Rides? Grab some food?" Without waiting for an answer, she pulled him onwards. "I think we grab something to eat first. We have to try as much as we can, right?" Eloise seemed excited, looking around with interest, but as much as she tried to let herself be swept up by the buzz around her, as much as she wanted to, she couldn't quite get through that wall inside. It was as if the feelings were there, but just out of reach. Maybe one of those rides will fix it. I've always wanted to try one.
As they walked towards the first cluster of rides, Eloise thought about how much they may cost. Probably not more than she had on her, but she couldn't let Ame pay for all the food again after she made him come here in the first place. I should probably look around and pick one ride, or two... Standing a little to the side of the throng of people moving through, she spotted a girl about her age. The pretty blonde might not have stood out to most, but to Eloise, she telegraphed one thing: Wealth. Her handbag hung lazily on her arm, as if she didn't worry about pickpockets in a place like this. Or maybe she just doesn't care about parting with a few notes. She looks like she could spare them. Without giving it too much though, Eloise elbowed Ame and declared: "Let's ask her, she looks like she'd know what stall sells the best snacks!"
"Hi!" The girl seemed almost as surprised as Ame by Eloise's sudden greeting. "We've come to see the festival. You're a local, right? What food is good around here? Could you give us some directions? There's just so much to try, we can't decide!" She put on her friendliest smile and pointed towards the centre of the festival. Directing attention with her outstretched arm and stepping back a little as if to not obstruct the view, she tried to discreetly snake her other arm behind Ame and into the girl's open handbag.
As they walked towards the first cluster of rides, Eloise thought about how much they may cost. Probably not more than she had on her, but she couldn't let Ame pay for all the food again after she made him come here in the first place. I should probably look around and pick one ride, or two... Standing a little to the side of the throng of people moving through, she spotted a girl about her age. The pretty blonde might not have stood out to most, but to Eloise, she telegraphed one thing: Wealth. Her handbag hung lazily on her arm, as if she didn't worry about pickpockets in a place like this. Or maybe she just doesn't care about parting with a few notes. She looks like she could spare them. Without giving it too much though, Eloise elbowed Ame and declared: "Let's ask her, she looks like she'd know what stall sells the best snacks!"
"Hi!" The girl seemed almost as surprised as Ame by Eloise's sudden greeting. "We've come to see the festival. You're a local, right? What food is good around here? Could you give us some directions? There's just so much to try, we can't decide!" She put on her friendliest smile and pointed towards the centre of the festival. Directing attention with her outstretched arm and stepping back a little as if to not obstruct the view, she tried to discreetly snake her other arm behind Ame and into the girl's open handbag.
x_Tasia_X
𝙻𝚘𝚌𝚊𝚕 𝚏-𝚋𝚘𝚢
awriternamedian
Not made of lies and deceit
AI10100
Expert Lurker
