Other Vent

[Walliver]

TW for (possible triggering content????)

Can you just leave me be?
Please leave me alone
I just want to go home
I just want to go home
Stop being so clingy
Stop calling me that name
Stop saying these things about me

Why can’t I exist?
Stop pushing your opinions on me
I don’t have to agree with you
I don’t have to play by your rules
Get out of my life!
I can’t stand you!

Why am I never allowed to be angry?
If I start to crumble, you’ll all fall apart
You’re a faulty safety net; you will collapse the second I fall
I’m bottling up so much
I can’t take this anymore
Just leave, please leave

Why can’t I forgive you?
You broke someone’s heart
You’re breaking my heart
You won’t even support me
You’re just here to support yourself
Leave me alone
Leave me alone
LEAVE ME ALONE

...I’m sorry
I’m always so sorry
I feel like I have to apologize for everything I do
I’m so sorry
For living, for breathing
Maybe you’d all be better off without me

I’ll stop talking to you
I’ll fade into the background
I need a break
I need a break
Please....
I just need a break
A few months

 

[Walliver]

(TW, once again, for possible triggering content)

Today has not been great
Today hasn’t even been good
Today’s been awful
Terrible, even
And I don’t know what to do

The person I thought I could trust
The person I thought would listen
Didn’t care when I started to explain my depression
He didn’t care at all.
And I’m messed up
I’m messed up really bad
And I don’t know how to fix it

 

[Walliver]

“To live and love and die at once, that’s the human goal.”
Such brave words for someone who was still so naïve. Still so trusting.
Such bold words for the child who was scared to face their cousin, scared to face the person who had loved them and yet hurt them.
Such deep words for the child who knew nothing of the world, who knew nothing of true heartbreak, the one who barely new betrayal.
Such hopeful words for the person who would soon be betrayed and abandoned by the friends they knew, the “friends” who still claimed to love and support them.
I know the lies. I know the hatred and betrayal. I know the darkness of humankind and I have witnessed it consume those I hold dear. I have watched my family cry, I have watched as they’ve fought over petty things.
I know.
I know.
I know.
So why am I still hiding?
What is so wrong with me that I cannot face them?
I am older, I am stronger
And yet I am small
I am misjudged
I am dismissed as if my opinion is nothing
I have so many opinions
And yet, unlike many, I ask if they are needed before expressing them
That will stop.
I will no longer hide
It is my turn
It is my turn to be happy
It is my turn to be selfish
I will do as I please
As I have held back from doing so long
And if you don’t love this version of me
Then you never loved me at all

 

[Walliver]

I have watched the person in the mirror
They are angry
They are old
And they are tired beyond all imagination
They are ignored
They are anxious
And they just want relief
They put on a mask to hide what they believe
They put up barriers to keep people from worrying
They do not love anything, for fear that it will be taken away from them

They are the person everyone else sees
The person in the mirror is who I'm supposed to be
The person on the inside is happier
But they've been kept inside for so long
It's not safe for them to be happy yet
Just a little longer, Me
Just a little longer

Every day, it's getting better
Every day
Just a little longer, true self
I'm sorry for hiding you under my skin all this time
But you'll be free soon
Soon, you'll be happy
And I'll be happy
And finally
The person in the mirror will not be a mask
The person in the mirror will smile and fade away

Same haircut, same skin
Same clothes, same eyes
Same name, same words
Just happier
Just a little while longer.....

 

[Walliver]

I find I lack the energy to cry
I find I lack the energy to tell myself any more lies
I find I lack the faith and will to hope for a better day
I only find the energy to tell my loved ones: "I'm okay"
I'm just so tired
So tired of everything
So tired of feeling so empty and lost
So tired of feeling like no one cares about me
I try to talk to my friends
I pass it off as a joke
But their words weigh heavily
"I already have too many people to worry about"
Forgive me, I didn't mean to express my emotions
I'll just fade into the background
Like I normally do
I'll laugh at a joke, crack one of my own
Talk to you like your words never hurt me
I'm sorry that I feel this way
It's not like I want to be this way
It's not like I can control this stupid emptiness inside me
Forgive me for speaking about how I feel
I don't think you'd even blink if I died